“What are you talking about?”
“Jell-o shots. You make them with vodka instead of water. They pack a mean punch.”
I looked back at Ox as he was stuffing another big green blob in his mouth. He gave me another goofy grin.
I had never seen Ox loopy before. He was obviously going to be a silly drunk.
When everyone had polished off their dessert, Jerry took the podium.
He had volunteered to be in charge of entertainment and that could mean anything.
Naturally, being a stand-up comic, he had to begin with a whole succession of marriage jokes.
After a few zingers and one-liners, he handed Ox a little bag.
“Here buddy, this is for you. Keep it as a reminder of a very important principle in married life.”
Ox pulled a pair of lace panties out of the bag.
“Two newly weds were on their honeymoon,” Jerry began. “As they undress for bed, the husband tosses his pants to his bride and says, ‘Here, put these on.’ She puts them on, but the waist is twice the size of her body. ‘I can’t wear your pants,’ she says. ‘That’s right, you can’t, and don’t you ever forget it. I wear the pants in this family!’ The bride grabbed her panties and threw them at the groom. ‘Here, try these on.’ The husband tried but found that only one leg would fit. ‘Hell’, he says, ‘I can’t get into your panties.’ ‘That’s right,’ his bride replied, ‘and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!’”
The crowd roared.
I had heard the old joke a hundred times, but knowing Ox and Judy, it was the perfect fit.
Jerry forged ahead, “Another thing. You have to be really careful what you say. I heard about a guy who told his wife that black underwear turned him on and she didn’t wash his shorts for a month.”
Jerry was on a roll.
“Every married couple have a special story and Ox and Judy are no exception. In fact, I’ve written a little ditty about a special evening in their lives.”
I wasn’t sure where this was going, but I had a pretty good idea.
Last Christmas, Jerry had drawn my name in our ‘Goofy Santa’ gift exchange. He had proudly given me a ‘fart machine’. It was a little box that emitted really gross sounds and could be activated remotely by pushing a button. Maggie forbade me to use the thing, so I put it in my sock drawer right beside my nose hair clipper and lint brush.
Before the party, Jerry had asked if he could borrow it.
Jerry solemnly read from a spiral notebook.
“Tis the season to be jolly
Lots of mistletoe and holly
Christmas tales we love to hear Are shared in families year to year.
Tonight, I’ll share another tale That will make the others pale. It’s a story that will warm your heart The story of the old mare’s fart.”
Ox grabbed me by the arm, “You didn’t! Tell me you didn’t!”
“I did,” I said sheepishly. “It was just too precious not to share.”
Ox buried his head in his hands, “Good Lord!”
“It started in a lovely carriage
Where Ox’s thoughts had turned to marriage.
So carefully he made his plan
This clever, marriage-minded man.
The setting he had planned with care The lights, the fountain and the old gray mare.
When the time was right, he pledged his heart
Just as the horse decided to fart.”
Jerry must have pressed the button, because a loud, ‘PLTTTTTT’ reverberated through the room.
Everyone cheered except poor Ox who slunk farther down in his chair. “In the stillness of that mo ment sweet An odor did their noses greet.
The lady longed to say, ‘I do’
But all that she could smell was poo.”
Judy had tried to hold it in, but finally gave up and cackled with the rest of the crowd. “When at last the breeze had cleared the air ‘I do’ came from the lady fair.
‘The moral’, said the lucky guy
‘Is best laid plans can go awry’.
“But if true love fills their beating hearts It will overcome an old mare’s farts!” Everyone in the audience was on their feet clapping and laughing.
When order was restored, Jerry said, “Ox, you’re a good sport and we all love you. That’s why we chipped in and got you this special gift.”
Jerry pointed to Dad and he flipped the switch on a boom box.
The raunchy notes of David Rose’s, The Stripper, filled the room.
The door swung open and a tall brunette in a tight red dress and those black lace stockings with the seam up the back strolled seductively into the room.
“Oh, crap!” I said. “I thought I told you --no girls!”
Dad looked over and smiled,“You did, sonny, and we listened. That ain’t no girl. That’s Bruce!”
I looked closer, and sure enough, it was a Bruce --a damn good looking Bruce!”
As the music blasted, he wiggled his way through the crowd and headed straight for Ox.
He pushed the table back and when he raised his skirt, it was obvious that he had a goodsized package under those pantyhose.
Ox turned three shades of red and Judy laughed hysterically as Bruce straddled Ox’s lap and gyrated his junk inches from the big guy’s face.
Mercifully, the song came to an end.
Bruce planted a big kiss on Ox’s forehead, waved to the crowd and disappeared into the night.
That pretty much wrapped things up for the evening, but I noticed that right after Bruce’s departure, Ox made another trip to the Jell-o shots.
Most of the crowd had left except Willie, who had volunteered for the massive clean-up detail.
Ox was a bit unsteady on his feet, so it was probably a good thing that I was driving him home.
He was in pretty decent shape by the time we arrived at his apartment, but I walked him in, just in case.
As I was headed back out to my car, I reflected on what a lovely evening it had been.
Good fun --- good food --- good friends. Who could ask for more?
**************************************** An excerpt from Lady Justice and the Book Club Murders
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-the-bookclub-murders_370.html
New Medical Breakthrough
FACT:
More people are getting medical treatment, taking more drugs, having more diagnostic tests and having more surgeries than ever before in history, yet more people are getting sick than ever before.
FACT:
There are over 200,000 nonprescription drugs and 30,000 prescription drugs on the market and doctors write over three billion prescriptions each year.
FACT:
People who laugh actually live longer than those who don't laugh. (Dr. James A. Walsh.)
Laughter research has shown that humor and especially laughter can help keep our bodies strong and disease resistant.
FACT:
Laughter has been shown to relax muscles, increase oxygen flow, promote circulation, and reduce tension as well as lower blood pressure, ease stress and boost your immune system. (Dr. Michael Cutler)
FACT:
Spending an hour with a close friend is as effective as taking a pain reliever in treating headaches. (Willie T. Ong, MD)
The answer to this medical dilemma is now available to everyone!
Three years ago, Robert Thornhill began his research on the first novel in his Lady Justice mystery/comedy series.
After months of research and field study across the country involving thousands of patients (readers), the eleven volume Lady Justice series has been approved by the FDA (Fun-loving Doctors Association) and is available for world-wide distribution.
(Note) This is the only series endorsed by the AMA (American Mystery/Comedy Association)
DOSAGE
This new medical breakthrough is administered in eleven doses: Lady Justice Action Patrol bowel movements. It is an acronym for City
Retiree Action Patrol)
Lady Justice and the Lost Tapes
Lady Justice Gets Lei’d
Lady Justice and the Avenging Angels
Lady Justice and the Sting
Lady Justice and Dr. Death
Lady Justice and the Vigilante
Lady Justice and the Watchers
Lady Justice and the Candidate
Lady Justice and the Book Club Murders Lady Justice and the Cruise Ship Murders Takes a C.R.A.P. City Retiree *This has nothing to do with
OUR GUARANTEE
When taken as directed, we guarantee the following results:
1. You will smile, giggle, chuckle, snort and possibly break into uncontrollable laughter. 2. You will love the characters who will capture your heart and become your personal friends with whom you may spend many wonderful hours.
3. You will have a positive attitude that all is right with the world --- that common folks can be heroes and that life doesn't end at age sixtyfive.
WARNING!
POSSIBLE DANGEROUS SIDE EFFECTS!
Extreme caution should be used when drinking beverages or if your bladder is full, since reading a Lady Justice novel may cause spontaneous outbreaks of uncontrollable laughter that may cause liquids to squirt from bodily orifices.
Lady Justice novels may cause insomnia. Never start a Lady Justice novel just before going to bed. You won't be able to put it down.
Be cautious of reading a Lady Justice novel in a public place. Your outbreaks of giggles and guffaws may disturb those around you.
TESTIMONIALS
"This book marks the first time a mystery story has made me laugh out loud. I laughed until tears were running, and my sides ached! I laughed so hard that my husband came to see if I was OK." Beverly B. Independence, Mo.
"An excellent book. It is hilarious with numerous 'one-liners' that made me laugh aloud and brought tears to my eyes in laughter." Dan, La Porte, Indiana.
"This book is laugh-out-loud funny, on par with today's most popular writers." Marilyn D. Santa Clara, California.
"Very funny and fast-paced. Exactly how I love a mystery. I actually got choked up I laughed so hard yesterday." Rose, Rockton, Illinois.
YOUR CHOICES
If you're feeling down in the dumps, you can spend $265.00 for a prescription of Cymbalta, (If you're lucky and you have insurance, your co-pay would be about $50.00)
OR
You can purchase a Lady Justice mystery/comedy novel for ten bucks!
Buy the prescription, take it once and it's gone, or buy a set of books you can enjoy and laugh with over and over again and share with your family and friends.
Make the healthy choice.
Laughter is indeed the best medicine! To Order
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-combospecial_330.html
LADY JUSTICE TAKES A C.R.A.P. City Retiree Action Patrol
Volume #1
Third Edition
This is where it all began. See how sixty-five year old Walt Williams became a cop and started the City Retiree Action Patrol.
Meet Maggie, Willie, Mary and the Professor, Walt’s sidekicks in all of the Lady Justice novels.
Laugh out loud as Walt and his band of Senior Scrappers capture the Realtor Rapist and take down the Russian mob.
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-takes-acrap_308.html
LADY JUSTICE AND THE LOST TAPES Volume #2
In Lady Justice and the Lost Tapes, Walt and his band of scrappy seniors continue their battle against the forces of evil.
When an entire eastside Kansas City neighborhood is terrorized by the mob, Walt must go undercover to solve the case.
Later, the amazing discovery of a previously unknown recording session of a deceased rock ‘n’ roll idol stuns the music industry.
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-the-losttapes_307.html
LADY JUSTICE GETS LEI’D Volume #3
In Lady Justice Gets Lei’d, Walt and Maggie plan a romantic honeymoon on the beautiful Hawaiian Islands, but ancient artifacts discovered in a cave in a dormant volcano and a surprising revelation about Maggie’s past, lead our lovers into the hands of Hawaiian zealots.
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-getsleid_309.html LADY JUSTICE AND THE AVENGING ANGELS Volume #4
Lady Justice has unwittingly entered a religious war.
Who better to fight for her than Walt Williams?
The Avenging Angels believe that it’s their job to rain fire and brimstone on Kansas City, their Sodom and Gomorrah.
In this compelling addition to the Lady Justice series, Robert Thornhill brings back all the characters readers have come to love for more hilarity and higher stakes.
You’ll laugh and be on the edge of your seat until the big finish.
Don’t miss Lady Justice and the Avenging Angels! http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-theavenging-angels_336.html
LADY JUSTICE AND THE STING Volume #5
BEST NEW MYSTERY NOVEL --- WINTER 2012
National Association of Book Entrepreneurs In Lady Justice and the Sting, a holistic physician is murdered and Walt becomes entangled in the high-powered world of pharmaceutical giants and corrupt politicians.
Maggie, Ox Willie, Mary and all your favorite characters are back to help Walt bring the criminals to justice in the most unorthodox ways.
A dead-serious mystery with hilarious twists! http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-thesting_348.html
LADY JUSTICE AND DR. DEATH Volume #6
BEST NEW MYSTERY NOVEL --- FALL 2011
National Association of Book Entrepreneurs In Lady Justice and Dr. Death, a series of terminally ill patients are found dead under circumstances that point to a new Dr. Death practicing euthanasia in the Kansas City area.
Walt and his entourage of scrappy seniors are dragged into the ‘right-to-die-withdignity’ controversy.
The mystery provides a light-hearted look at this explosive topic and death in general.
You may see end-of-life issues in a whole new light after reading Lady Justice and Dr. Death!
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-dr-death_351.html
LADY JUSTICE AND THE VIGILANTE Volume #7
BEST NEW MYSTERY NOVEL - SUMMER 2012
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF BOOK ENTREPRENEURS A vigilante is stalking the streets of Kansas City administering his own brand of justice when the justice system fails.
Criminals are being executed right under the noses of the police department.
A new recruit to the City Retiree Action Patrol steps up to help Walt and Ox bring an end to his reign of terror.
But not everyone wants the vigilante stopped. His bold reprisals against the criminal element have inspired the average citizen to take up arms and defend themselves.
As the body count mounts, public opinion is split.
Is it justice or is it murder?
A moral dilemma that will leave you laughing and weeping!
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-thevigilante_362.html
LADY JUSTICE AND THE WATCHERS Volume #8
Suzanne Collins wrote The Hunger Games, Aldous Huxley wrote Brave New World and George Orwell wrote 1984.
All three novels were about dystopian societies of the future.
In Lady Justice and the Watchers, Walt sees the world we live in today through the eyes of a group who call themselves ‘The Watchers’.
Oscar Levant said that there’s a fine line between genius and insanity.
After reading Lady Justice and the Watchers, you may realize as Walt did that there’s also a fine line separating the life of freedom that we enjoy today and the totalitarian society envisioned in these classic novels.
Quietly and instituted policies that have eroded our privacy, health and individual freedoms.
Is the dystopian society still a thing of the distant future or is it with us now disguised as a wolf in sheep’s clothing?
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-thewatchers_365.html
without fanfare, powerful interests have
LADY JUSTICE AND THE CANDIDATE Volume #9
BEST NEW MYSTERY NOVEL - Fall 2012
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF BOOK ENTREPRENEURS Will American politics always be dominated by the two major political parties or are voters longing for an Independent candidate to challenge the establishment?
Everyone thought that the slate of candidates for the presidential election had been set until Benjamin Franklin Foster came on the scene capturing the hearts of American voters with his message of change and reform.
Powerful interests intent on preserving the status quo with their bought-and-paid-for politicians were determined to take Ben Foster out of the race.
The Secret Service comes up with a quirky plan to protect the Candidate and strike a blow for Lady Justice.
Join Walt on the campaign trail for an adventure full of surprises, mystery, intrigue and laughs!
http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-thecandidate_367.html
BOOK CLUB MURDERS Volume #10
Members of the Midtown Book Club are found murdered. It is just the beginning of a series of deaths that lead Walt
and Ox into the twisted world of a serial killer.
In the late 1960's, the Zodiac Killer claimed to have
killed 37 people and was never caught --- the perfect crime. Oscar Roach, dreamed of being the next serial killer to
commit the perfect crime.
He left a calling card with each of his victims --- a
mystery novel, resting in their blood-soaked hands.
The media dubbed him 'The Librarian'.
Walt and the Kansas City Police are baffled by the
cunning of this vicious killer and fear that he has indeed committed
the perfect crime.
Or did he?
Walt and his wacky senior cohorts prove, once again, that
life goes on in spite of the carnage around them.
The perfect blend of murder, mayhem and
Short Stories To Tickle Your Funnybone Page 6
