by Neeraj Chand
“And you never experienced such a feeling again? While you were on your cycle, for instance? Or perhaps when you passed that particular road again?” Neel shook his head. “ Then I will try to make youunderstand precisely what happened to you that day.” Doctor Fahim said. “When you had the accident, it sent an enormous amount of powerful signals to your mind. You were racked with pain, and you were conscious throughout the whole experience. This very painful, very powerful memory was thus deeply etched into your subconscious. And now whenever your mind recalls that incident, or sees a situation that reminds you of that incident, your mind automatically replays those experiences. These flashbacks remind you of the pain and helplessness you felt that day as if it were happening all over again, triggering extreme fear responses in your body, and prevents your reacting normally to the situation. That is the root of the problem.”
“But then why didn"t it ever happen earlier?” Neel objected. “I was fine for months after the accident. I rode every day on my cycle. I passed that road many times. I never felt anything then.”
“Do you remember your mental state when we met for the first time?” Doctor Fahim asked. “From the moment we explained what had happened to you after the accident, you have spent every waking moment of your life trying to keep your mind under control. It is an unusually intense form of mediation and self discipline that you have had to learn to keep your abilities under control.”
“But without our knowing about it, that practice had another effect on your mind as well. The memories of the accident were suppressed completely by your conscious mind. The exercises you learnt with Arjun, the time you spent studying your powers, and the sheer volume of new and unexpected events that took place in your life occupied your attention so completely that there was no space left for the PTSD. It stayed locked away in your subconscious, perhaps only appearing in your dreams occasionally in the form of nightmares.”
Neel nodded. He could certainly remember those. At the time, he had failed to realize the significance of those dreams. “So what changed?” “A number of factors were at play as you stood in front of the car outside Phlicer complex.” DoctorFahim said. “You were in incredible pain from the noise machine and the bullets. The drug was at work within your body, lowering your mental defenses and rapidly numbing the conscious part of your brain. You were disoriented and scared. You had grown over confident from your past successes,” Neel shifted uncomfortably in chair. “And the defeat at the hands of Mehta had had a crippling effect on your mind. That was the first time since the accident that you were in such a uniquelyvulnerable position.”
“And it was at that psychological moment that you saw a car, similar in design and bu ild to the car that had once very nearly killed you, coming towards you at full speed. The scene triggered a fusillade of memories and emotions, from the sub conscious to the conscious part of your mind, and your condition was brought to the front of your mind with tremendous force in a way that you were completely unprepared for. And that was your first experience with a PTSD attack.”
Neel sat staring at Doctor Fahim as he finished talking. He knew it was all true. As the doctor had been speaking, he had almost been able to see every moment in the chain of events in his mind. He felt amazed now that the attack had come after so many months, and that he had managed to operate normally with the condition inside his mind for so long.
“And now that you know why it happened, how it happened, and exactly what you are up against, we can get to work on solving it.” DoctorFahim said. “We will travel together through your memories and confront your fears. We will help you accept what happened that day, and move on from it. And for that to happened I need your complete trust and cooperation. Do you feel confident enough to make this journey with me?” Neel nodded. “How long will it take for me to get better?” he asked.
“That will depen d upon you.” DoctorFahim. “Every person has different ways of coping with anxiety. The more willing you are to meet this head on, the better your brain will function, and the faster this processwill be. So, I will ask you again. Are you ready?” Neel nodded. Doctor Fahim had helped him see the condition in a clearer light, and understanding it helped lessen some of his fear. Now he was determined to do all he could to get better as soon as possible.
CHAPTER 13: Chasing a lie Doctor Fahim was using psychotherapy to help Neel. Again and again, Neel revisited that fateful day that had changed his life, and saw the car hurtling towards him before the sickening crash occurred. He just could not seem to get over the panic he felt whenever he recalled the accident, and worst still, it almost seemed as if his fear was growing, as if now that it had been released into his conscious mind from his subconscious, it was feeding on his fears and self doubt and expanding. DoctorFahim"s patience was endless as they worked together daily on his cure.
They had long sessions of Neel imagining himself back on that road and on the way to tuitions. He would repeatedly experience the attacks of panic and helplessness that were crippling his ability to respond normally. Doctor Fahim kept telling him to think about the memory logically, and to identify the incident as an event of the past that could no longer hurt him. But the condition persisted. The doctor taught him breathing exercises and stress management techniques. They tried to replace his panic attacks with positive emotions related to the incident by focusing on the good that had come from the accident, such as the powers he had developed, and the exultation he felt at completing the first two missions successfully. But it was no use. After more than two weeks of therapy with not even the slightest bit of improvement, Neel"s worst fears about his illness seemed to be confirmed.
His condition had started to affect his personal life. The over-loud blaring of horns and the howl of car engines on the road that he had managed with immense difficulty to reduce to merely irritating background noise now sent fear shuddering through his entire frame. He found himself unable to fall asleep, and jumpy and nervous all the time. When he did fall asleep, he would have repeated nightmares about a giant shadowy car roaring towards him, and him standing helpless and terrified in front of it, unable to move or call for help.
In those days, Nisha Dervin sensed a change in her son. He had become quieter, more self involved. His body language had also changed. He would often seem listless as he sat with his shoulders slumped and his head bent to the ground. The changes were too small to indicate any definite problem, but it was enough to make her feel anxious. When she tried to talk to him, all he said was that he had a lot to do at school, and that made him tired. She wanted to reach out to him, but he kept pushing her away, brooding all the time. The only change she noticed that seemed to be for the better was that he had started to take an interest in the news. He was reading newspapers almost daily, although it made her uneasy when she noticed he read almost exclusively about crimes taking place in the city.
On Monday, two weeks after the last mission, a couple was found murdered in an alley. They had been mugged and there scooter stolen. No witnesses. Two days later, a bank clerk was shot while on duty. He survived but lost the use of his left arm. Though he knew who the criminals were, he refused to file a complaint due to fear of retaliation. A week later, a child was kidnapped on the way to school. Although his parents paid the ransom, he was never found.
While crimes continued around him, Neel remained helpless. The life he had imagined at the beginning of this whole experience; the life of a hero, of a soldier, was barely even a memory now. Feelings of guilt and uselessness at what he had become plagued him. He kept his problem a secret from his mother and friends, determined not to worry them again like he had after the accident. This was his personal battle to fight. But he was losing steadily. Every day he resolved to work harder on therapy, and yet his condition continued to worsen. Doctor Fahim assured him that the beginning was always the hardest, and that time would show some improvement. It was the small and only ray of hope for Neel to find in those days.
Divya watched Neel trudge out of
Doctor Fahim"s office one day, three weeks after therapy had begun. He was sunk too deeply in his own depressing thoughts to notice her, and made his way down slowly to where Arjun waited to take him home. Divya watched the hunched figure trailing down the corridor and was filled with sadness. He was so young to have developed a condition that broke the spirit of even the most hardened army veterans. She still could not rid herself of guilt at not finding out about his condition sooner. She opened the door to DoctorFahim"s office and looked inside. The doctor was sitting at his desk with his chin resting on his clasped hands, deep in thought.
“Yes, Divya?” he asked, breaking out of his reverie as he saw her face in the doorway.
“I"m sorry for interrupting, sir. Are you busy?” she asked.
“Yes.” Doctor Fahim said with a sigh as he leaned back. “But with thoughts that are unlikely to be of any use. How can I help you?”
“How is Neel doing, sir?” she asked, stepping into the room. “Very bad ly.” DoctorFahim said quietly, and Divya"s heart plummeted. She knew the doctor rarely shared negative opinions outright, only when there was absolutely no other option. “His problem is a curious one, with very curious circumstances surrounding it. And considering who the patient is, and how differently his mind works from normal, the situation is even more convoluted.” He noticed her stricken expression and gave a small, encouraging smile. “But it is still quite early to give a definite prognosis. All hope is not lost yet. We still have several other methods left to try, like hypnotherapy and EMDR. Perhaps they will be more effective.”
“Actually , sir,that"s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Divya said, drawing out a notebook from her pocket. “I was going through some sites on the internet, trying to find something that could help Neel with his problem.”
“And?” “There are some drugs which people suffering from PTSD use.” Divya flipped through the list she had made. “They"re supposed to be helpful. There"s Citalopram, Escitalopram, Fluoxetine, Lamictal”
“And Paroxetine and Sertraline and Depakote” DoctorFahim supplied. “Thank you, Divya, but I am already aware of these drugs, and I have decided not to introduce Neel to them yet.”
“Why not, sir?” “Those drugs are not a guaranteed cure, but rather a last resort.” Doctor Fahim said. “The only cure for PTSD that is assured to produce results is psychotherapy. He already has an immensely powerful serum at work inside him. We have no idea how his enhanced physiology will respond to antidepressants. I would like to explore the option of therapy thoroughly before we begin stuffing pills down the child"s throat.”
Divya nodded. “Then I"ll try to find out some other way to help him with thetherapy.” “And be sure to tell me as well.” DoctorFahim said. “After all these year, my own knowledge may bea trifle rusty.” Divya nodded, and they sat in silence for a moment, looking at each other.
“Do you think it can be done, sir?” she blurted outsuddenly. “Do you think he will be cured one day?” Doctor Fahim was silent for a long time as he stared out the window of the office. He sighed, and suddenly looked very tired when he faced her again, as though her question had aged him several years. Divya had never seen him look so weary, and this sudden transformation frightened her.
“How many cases of PTSD are ever completely cured?” Doctor Fahim asked her quietly.“How many of the patients are able to continue completely normally with their lives? And the illness affects children even worse than adults.” Doctor Fahim looked grim now. “No. After all that Neel has been through, I don"t think he will ever recover completely. But it is our duty to help him deal with it as wellas we can. After that,” Doctor Fahim shrugged. “Who knows? Strange things have happened, and he may surprise us yet.”
Divya nodded soberly. The doctor had confirmed her own fears. And yet she knew he was right. “I"m still going to see if I can find some wayto help him.”
“Good.” Doctor Fahim nodded. “We must not abandon hope. Perhaps he will turn the corner eventually.” But he did not sound very hopeful.
* * * Time moved forward fitfully. There were nights when it seemed to come to stop altogether, as Neel lay in his bed staring up at the ceiling, trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep. There were days when it seemed to fly by in an indifferent haze. Christmas came in a sudden rush. He forgot to get his mother a present. They went to church. The hushed atmosphere of the cathedral was very soothing, and Neel felt peace steal over him as they sang hymns. But then the pastor began the sermon over a microphone for the benefit of the people at the back, and Neel, who was sitting near the speakers, had to spend the rest of the service gritting his teeth and wincing at every deafeningly magnified exclamation of the vigorously delivered sermon. The rest of the day passed quietly. New year came and went. And still there was no improvement in Neel"s condition.
It was easier for Neel to be with his friends those days. Ever since his disastrous failed mission, his life at swan labs had changed completely. He was no longer the secret weapon the government was developing, but the boy with the mental problem who needed help. The discovery of his phobia had destroyed the image of invulnerability that had been forming unconsciously in his mind. All the training and strength and speed he had discovered at swan labs was still there, but now it was buried under the weight of his phobia. Now his time at swan labs was spent trying to master his problem. There was no more training and no more missions. School and hanging out with Aryan and Priyanka was when he could forget his problems, when everything that had happened in the secret part of his life receded. He trusted Doctor Fahim and hoped he would eventually help him overcome his phobia. Until then he had no choice but to be patient and concentrate on his personal life.
On Wednesday, more than a month after the last mission, Neel sat on the wall adjoining his house and Priyanka"s along with his two best friends. These were the few times these days that he could recapture the light heartedness that he had rarely felt since the last mission. The kitten they had found was with them. There had been no report for a missing cat, and after taking care of the kitten for a week, Priyanka had convinced her parents to keep it. Now Aryan and Priyanka were in the middle of an argument that they had had several times before.
“That cat of yours is too fat!” Aryan said accusingly, pointing at the kitten.
“Stop saying that. He is not fat. Heneeds food to grow right now.” Priyanka said defensively. The three stared at the kitten, which Priyanka had named Resham. It had certainly recovered well from its injuries. The patches of bare skin had grown glossy fur which was brushed regularly. Under her attentive care, the kitten had more than bloomed. It was now fed daily on a diet of meat and milk and butter, as well as other assorted canned and dry food products. Its skinny frame had filled out to the point that it bulged at every possible point. The kitten was also averse to exercise and spent what time it wasn"t eating in sleep.
“You know, maybe if you took it for a run sometimes…” Neel offered mildly.
“I"m telling you, it"s just baby fat.” Priyanka protested. “There"s nothing wrong with its health. It"s as fit as any other cat its age.” “Oh ,yeah? Watch this.” Aryan said. He took away the piece of cheese that Priyanka had brought which the kitten had been eating. The kitten immediately let out a protesting whine and waddled after the cheese. Aryan placed it on the ledge on which they were sitting. The kitten managed to hang onto the edge with its front feet but could not get any further. It dangled off the edge, its fat bottom wriggling along with its tail as it tried to climb on.
“See?” Aryan said, grinning, as the kitten continued its efforts, meowing loudly, while Neel shook with laughter.
Priyanka frowned, snatching the piece of cheese from its high perch and giving it back to the kitten. It settled back on its snack, puffing slightly from the exertion.
“It just needs time to get itsstrength back.” she told Aryan coldly.
“It needs exercise.” Aryan said, rolling his eyes. “All food and no play turns kitty into a little fatty. Do you wan
t the other cats to laugh at it?”
“We should get Prince to chase it around a little.” Neel said, grinning, while the frown on Priyanka"s forehead deepened.
“I know, it was scared off by dogs the first time we saw it, it"s probably terrified of them now.” Aryan added. The smile on Neel "s face disappeared. He blushed deeply and averted his face from his friends, staring hard at the kitten. Aryan looked at him in puzzlement. Priyanka also sensed something was wrong, but she could not think what it was. They did not know that Neel"s heart was hammering loudly as he stared at the kitten. He knew the fear it must have felt after being chased by those dogs, and what a deep impression the fear might have left… The fear he himself had felt, and the subsequent feelings of despair, guilt and frustration at his own helplessness so intense he felt like taking his own life rather than continue to live with those feelings...
Neel sat up straighter, determinedly pushing the idea aside. Lately his thoughts had been turning in that direction more and more often, especially on the nights after the nightmares and the feelings of frustration overwhelmed him. And the worst part, when it entered his numbed brain, was how welcome the idea seemed.
Aryan and Priyanka tried to restart the conversation, but the lightly teasing atmosphere was gone. Neel rarely spoke for the rest of the evening. Finally, since it was growing darker, Aryan decided to leave, and Priyanka also had chores to do. The three said goodbye and left, Aryan taking his cycle from Neel"s verandah. Neel went back slowly to his room. Without bothering to turn on the light, he slumped down in a corner of the room, his head buried his hands.
* * * Three days later, Neel entered the main building of Swan Labs to find Negi and Premi standing in the lobby with bags lying on the floor next to them. They turned to greet him and Arjun.
“Well, kid.” Negisaid with a sigh. “I"m afraid this is it for us.”
