by Neeraj Chand
“Your PTSD condition cost you the mission, Neel.” Doctor Fahim said steadily. “And that was something that was out of your control.” “Yeah, well.” Neel shrugged, looking down again. “But that"s why I wanted to complete this mission. This is the only thing in my life thatI"ve ever taken seriously, and I wanted to see it through to itsend.”
He shook his head slowly . “But now.” He said in a low voice. “Now I can"t hear a car pass by without feelingafraid, even though I know it"s stupid. I"m this complete… mess.” Tears were forming in his eyes again. He fought them back fiercely, butcouldn"t stop the words from pouring out.“This weak little crybaby who"s too scared to do anything but cry and hide in his bedroom.” His fists were clenched tightly as his sides as he struggled to keep the tears at bay.
“Any person who can look at the world and find nothing to c ry about is either blind or a fool.” Doctor Fahim said in a quiet voice.“Neel,look at me.” His voice was gentle, but it felt like an order. Neel raised his headslowly. “Your tears do not make you a coward or a weak person. They show that even after gaining all these powers and witnessing the ugliness of the world, you still feel your emotions just as intensely as before. You still have a conscience, and you still care just as much about your mother and your friends. It hurts you to think that you are failing them. You have great strength of character, Neel. That is what separates you from the criminals you hunted.”
“It"s not enough.” Neel said, barely managingto keep his voice from shaking. “I have all this power, and all you people helping me, and it"s still not enough. I tell myself it"s all in my head, butI can"t… I justcan"t…”
Neel lowered his face into his hands as his shoulders began to shake. Doctor Fahim rose swiftly from his seat and was beside him in an instant, holding onto the thin frame that seemed anything but impervious at the moment. There was a profound sadness in Doctor Fahim"s eyes ashe cradled Neel"s head in his arms.
“I wish I could tell you that one daythis will all pass.” he spoke at last in a low voice filled with grief. “I wish I could tell you that one day you will recover completely, and this incident will be banished forever from your mind. And I wish I could tell you that you nothing will ever hurt you like this again.” Doctor Fahim took a deep breath and spoke slowly. “But I can"t. You will live. And you will fall. And you will hurt and you will cry. We all have to go through it. It is a cycle that repeats itself all through our lives, and it will make you want to give up time and again. Butyou can"t. You do not exist in this world alone, and your pain hurts those who love you. For your mother and your friend"s sake as much as your own, be strong, Neel.” His arms tightened around the young boy. “The older you grow, the more scared of life you become. Because you begin to understand your own limits, your helplessness, and move ever closer to your mortality. But it should be a gradual process. We talk about preventing waste. Of our time, our energies, ourresources. But don"t you see? If you shut yourself off from emotions and experiences, that is the greatest waste of all. The waste of your life! Because what else is life for if not to see it in all its shades? From the darkest to the brightest! If you spend your youth hiding in your house, you will only ever watch life pass you by. And that is as great a waste as taking your own life. You have to have hope, Neel. You have to have hope for a better tomorrow.” Neel sat staring at the ground, the words ringing in his ears. For a long time the two remained motionless, holding onto each other.
CHAPTER 15: Recklessly, Stupidly, Completely On the following Monday night, Neel was sitting on the floor in his room with the lights turned off. It was the one place where he felt completely safe those days, shut away from the rest of the world while he tried to deal with his chaotic thoughts. The very faint light coming from the streetlamp outside was sufficient for his eyes. On his bed lay the Alpha soldier uniform. The mask was on top of his pillow. He had been told to bring it back to Swan Labs tomorrow. While he continued to be worsted by his condition, the project was being wrapped up.
As he sat in the near darkness, he was realizing the full magnitude of how completely and utterly he had failed. He had failed Doctor Fahim. He had failed his trainers. He had failed his country. He had failed everyone who had tried to help him. Even if he continued to go to Swan Labs for therapy, his life as an Alpha soldier was over, mere months after it had begun.
Mehta would walk away free. He had been detained in the country by the government because of some past evidence that they were trying to stall him with, but tomorrow was the last day they could stop him. After that, he would pay the fine for illegal possession of land and then leave the country, and most probably go to some secret location to carry out whatever he had planned.
And Neel could not stop him. Despair gave way to a rising sense of impotent fury. Feelings that he had tried to ignore ever since his last, failed mission came to the front. What was the use of so much power when he could not use it? He was the most powerful human on the planet, and yet was completely useless! All the time and resources the government had invested in training him had been a giant waste. He had met Mehta only once, and had come away from the encounter a broken shell of helplessness.
And why?
Because he couldn"t get over something that had happened almost a year ago. There was no one to blame but himself. They had all been helpful. Even General Bakshi. If he hadn"t told Arjun to watch over him on his missions, Neel would have died that night. Doctor Fahim had worked with him for hours every day. They were all doing what they could. He was the problem. All the opportunities he had been given, and he couldn"t get over a stupid memory.
His thoughts became darker as his mind shifted to the past year, to all that had happened since the accident. That day, that one moment, had been the turning point. As he recalled the moment, which seemed a life time ago, he realized it had changed him in much deeper ways than simply the effects of the serum. In ways that he could not fully comprehend even now.
Perspective. The word suddenly appeared in his head, and he found himself thinking about what Mr. Pratap Dayal had said to them at the guest lecture. He had listened hard then, and his memory ensured he remembered every word. That was the word that Mr. Dayal had used. What was necessary in life was the right perspective. He had told them to look within, and ask themselves honest questions which would show what was truly important in their lives. Serious introspection would help them understand the situations they found themselves in.
Neel gazed at the uniform lying on his bed. He knew what was most important right now. And despite the way he was feeling, he knew that the real problemwasn"t really about him. Stopping Mehta was the top priority. The mission he had been on was wasn"t a practice session the military had set up for him. There had been a good reason why they had sent their most powerful, most secret weapon against Alok Mehta. Whatever he was planning was on a very large and dangerous scale, and meeting him once had been enough to understand why the government took the threat so seriously. Those disturbingly impassive eyes that seemed to know so much more than was possible…
His mind was going in a circle again. What was the use of these thoughts? He could not stop Mehta. He could not do anything in his condition. Useless and futile as he had become, he was not an Alpha soldier anymore. That was why he was hiding here, in what seemed the only safe place left in the world.
But was that the real reason? The question presented itself to him, and Neel suddenly stopped breathing. Was that really why he was avoiding the world?
Or was it because he had accepted his failure, and was now thinking of the next step in his life, and the thought of suicide did not scare him anymore? This was what it had come to. Almost a year after the accident had spared his life, he was thinking about giving it up on his own. And that was the reason for the black depression that consumed him.
But t hen why didn"t he do it? He had thought about it often enough in the past few days. He had contemplated ways and means. It had served as a dark kind of amusement in the twilight hours betwee
n staying awake and depressed before giving in to the nightmares in his sleep.
Then why hadn"t he done it already? Because… Neel buried his face in his hands as he finally admitted what seemed to him the biggest proof of his stupidity. Because he had still not given up hope. Somewhere deep inside him a stubborn grain of optimism remained that refused to admit he had lost. Something inside him persisted in believing he could still somehow win, and so persisted in prolonging the misery. A part of him, beaten and trampled underneath the weight of his disorder, still did not want to give up on life. Doctor Fahim had called it the greatest waste in the world. And he did not want that to be his case. He did not want to go out this way. He still remembered the days when he had been happy. He wanted to see life beyond what he felt at present. He wanted to see it for all that it could one day be.
But what was the use of such futile wishes? It turned out he had been right at the beginning, that first night back home. All those doubts he had had about his abilities. He had questioned whether he was good enough, and now he knew. It was exactly what he had realized that night. Nothing he had done before in his life had prepared him for this experience. He was not equipped to deal with what he was going through now. His training at Swan labs had not prepared him either. All those hours in the hall. On the field. In the control room. All it had done…
…All it had done was to teach him how to fight. His breathing stopped again as he stared at the mask. A seemingly ordinary piece of cloth lying innocently on top of his pillow. It had been a symbol of the government"s trust in him. It had been a symbol of the skilled fighter he had become after much hard work. But what was the use of that skill now? He had been forced into a situation where the fight was taking place in his head. And it was already over. He had lost. Repeatedly.
Suddenly Neel heard an explosion downstairs, breaking him out of his brooding reverie with an abrupt start. He stiffened, and the next moment was racing down the stairs. His mother was in the kitchen making food, and the TV was tuned to a news channel.
The reporter on the screen was hiding behind a police car. The camera showed brief images from behind the car of a scene of the outside of a bank, where several men holding rifles were shouting at a group of police officers.
“…and so the police and the robbers seem to have a standoff.” t he reporter shouted into the shaking camera. “The culprits are said to have highly advanced weapons, and the police force is very small. The fight is becoming more dangerous every second. But as usual, human tragedy is drawing many spectators who can"t seem to understand the danger to their own lives.”
Neel stood staring at the screen. The emotions coursing through him were too deep for words. His thoughts were in turmoil. His mother, his friends, Doctor Fahim. Everyone was telling him to be patient. Everyone was telling him to stay safe.
But he did not want to be patient any longer. He could not take another day of revisiting those memories. Of feeling the crippling fear. Of disappointing everyone around him. He could not take any more of a life that everyday became more of a burden that could not be borne any longer.
If the fight in his head could be given physical form… Something concrete that he could finally take a definitive stand against. Then he would know. Then he could decide once and for all, beyond any personal hopes or doubts, what kind of a grip the phobia had on him.
And Neel was suddenly filled with recklessness. It was a product of months of suppressed emotions, of being held back and self ostracized. He knew none of his well wishers would agree with him. But he was past caring. It was time to decide, one way or another, where his life was going.
“Mom?” Neel called out. “I have to go… get my library book from Aryan.”
His mother appeared in the doorway of the kitchen with a frown. She looked at the clock. “It"s almost 8: 30. Can"t you wait till tomorrow?”
“No, it"s really urgent. Please,mom.” Neel said.“It won"t take more than an hour.” His mother sighed. “Very well. Be as quick as you can.”
Neel had already started walking before she had completed her sentence. “ Neel?” He turned. His mother was staring at him strangely. She had seen something in his expression. A hardness that had never been there before. It frightened her without her knowing why. She pushed the unreasonable feeling aside. Their part of the colony was quiet safe, and they had often gone out visiting even later at night and returned safely. “Be careful.” she said finally.
Neel nodded. Then he turned and strode up to his room.
* * * Doctor Fahim was sitting in his room, sunk in thought. The government finally had enough evidence to search Phlicer lab. But all through this operation, Mehta had been a step ahead of them, and he was afraid Mehta knew exactly what they were planning and was ready. Then there was the matter of the traitor. General Bakshi had admitted that, despite their careful investigations, the sheer magnitude of people Project Alpha involved made rooting out the spy an impossible task. The soldiers who were in charge of the daily maintenance of Swan Labs. The people who supplied them the equipment and built the tunnels. The technicians at secretariat where the project had first evolved. Any one of them could have heard or seen something that Mehta could have found out in exchange for a fee. The Minister of Defense had even suggested Divya be pulled off the case. But Doctor Fahim had refused to consider it. He knew Divya was not the traitor. This whole business was becoming uglier every day, with everyone feeling wary and unable to trust each other completely. Mehta had them all pointing fingers at each other without even leaving his office. If he were to getaway…
But that could not be allowed that to happen at any cost. There was too much at stake for everyone involved.
His reverie was interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone. He picked up the phone and saw it was a call from Neel.
“Good evening, Neel. Is there a problem?” Doctor Fahim asked. “It"s okay. I can handle it.” Neel said. He sounded different. Older. “I just wanted to say… I"m sorry. Icould"ve done so much more that I didn"t. And for so long, I didn"t even understand.I still don"t, not all of it,but I think I"m beginning to get a better idea of it all.”
“What do you mean?” Doctor Fahim asked, his brow furrowed. There was a short pause at the other end. “You know, when you"re a kid, you think the whole world revolves around you.” Neel"s voice was very quiet. “I didn"t even realize it at the time.You don"t try to think fromanyone else"s perspective. You don"t realize everyone else have their own lives to live. That there are things that are important to them, and stuff they have to deal with, too.”
“I"m afraid I don"t understand what you mea n.” Doctor Fahim said gently. “I"ve been trying to fightthis memory for so long.” Neel said. “It changed me so much, just thinking about it. … You know, I thought I had limits. Things that I thought I"d never do because they"re justwrong. But now…I"ve done so many things I"m ashamed of. God, there areso many things I"ve done that I wish I could take back.” His voice had begun to shake. “But I can"t. And now I know what it feels like whenyou don"t have a choice. I know what it"s like to do something you don"t want to, but you do it anyway, because all the choices you have are bad ones. The General made his choices. You made yours. So did Divya, and Arjun, and all the others. And now I have to make my own. And even though I know they"ll end up hurting people, I have to do it anyway. It was stupid of me to think there could have been an ending where everyone was safe and unhurt. That"s not possible.”
“ Neel,you must not give up hope.” Dr Fahim said forcefully.“You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing, you hear me? We all have our Achilles heel no matter how powerful we believe we are. But we have to believe we can overcome our problems someday.”
“It just seems like such a waste, you know… If you look back and see the mistakes you"ve made, it makes you feel like you"ve wasted something important… and it won"t ever come back.”
“It is not a waste if you learn from it.” Doctor Fahim said quietly.
“Yeah
… Well… that"s all I wanted to say... Goodbye.” “Goodbye , Neel. Take care.” Dr Fahim said heavily, ringing off. Vaguely, it occurred to him that Neel had said goodbye instead of goodnight, and he had followed suit. He would not be able to continue like this without finally snapping under the pressure. The doctor sank back into his reverie.
* * * Neel stood atop a building opposite the bank. Police lights flashed and sirens wailed around him, almost drowning out all the shouting. The journey up to that point had been a nightmare. He had not trained for months. The flashbacks had plagued him all through the journey. Every honk of a horn, every squeal of a tire had sent fresh chills up his spine. He had tried to avoid roads as much as possible. The distractions had caused him to stumble several times. He had fallen three times during climbing and once hit his head hard enough on a roof railing to break the concrete. It was insane. Recklessly, stupidly, completely insane.
But still he kept going. And amidst all the panic he was also conscious of relief in finally doing something definite. He felt as though he was running away from everything that had conspired to turn his life into a nightmare, everything that had grown out of control in his life. He did not even know what he would do once he was actually at the bank against so many armed robbers without planning, and without the knowledge of the people at Swan Labs to assist him. Perhaps this was a different form of suicide. But he did not care anymore. The time for secrecy was past. It was time to do what he had wanted to do ever since he had gotten his powers. And if his phobia was going to stop him, well…
Either way, it was time to take back control of his life. No matter how brief that life might be. The determination that had carried him through the training and the earlier missions was still there, buried somewhere deep. And as he ran, memories of all his time at Swan Labs had come rushing back. Slowly, his body had again begun to move with the practiced skill of the past.
Watching the bank now, he saw that the situation had worsened. He counted twelve robbers, four inside the bank keeping everyone hostage, and eight outside keeping the police at bay. The crowd of onlookers had thickened and it was only a matter of time before someone was hurt.
