Love or Something Like It

by Laurie Friedman

  No sense in asking her when I’m already asking myself that same question.

  Saturday, May 17, 9:02 p.m.

  Home from States

  I decided

  It’s really weird how I decided. Something Ms. Baumann said helped me.

  When we got to the hotel, she called a team meeting. “The Faraway dance team has won twelve state titles,” she said. “And I want to make it thirteen. This will take all of your dedication and focus tomorrow. You’ve all worked so hard. This is part of who you are. Now let’s go finish what we started!”

  Everyone clapped and cheered. And when they did, I remembered how much I love being part of this team. Like Ms. Baumann said, it’s part of who I am, just like going to camp. I’ve always loved going to Camp Silver Shores. That thought stayed in my head all night last night and today, as we danced.

  When the judges announced the winners, and we found out we’d WON, everyone on the team went crazy hugging and crying. It was one of the best moments of my life. I loved it, and I realized that even though camp is totally different from dancing, I love it just as much. And in that moment, I made my decision.

  I’m going to camp.

  Once I’d decided I felt so relieved, which has to mean I made the right decision.

  Right?

  Sunday, May 18, 10:25 a.m.

  Post pancakes

  When I told my family I’m going to camp, you would have thought I was some kind of hero. Mom put extra chocolate chips in my pancakes. Dad told me he’s proud of “the maturity I’m showing.” And May tried to give me her Mickey Mouse ears. It was all so nice, and it made me hopeful that Matt’s reaction will be good too.

  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m worried. Especially after how he reacted when I told him we won States. He almost didn’t react. When I texted him from the bus ride home that we’d won, all he texted back was congrats, and it took him over an hour to write back.

  I showed Emily his text (not that there was much to show). “He was probably doing something and that’s why he didn’t text back. Or maybe he’s jealous. Didn’t you say his baseball team came in second?” She waved it off like either way it was no big deal.

  But it was kind of a big deal to me. I wasn’t sure why he wasn’t happier for me, especially after he’d been so sweet and supportive when I told him I was scared about not doing well at Regionals.

  I’m also not sure how he’ll react when I tell him about camp. I tried to visualize his response.

  Cool. No big deal. Camp sounds like fun. It’s just four weeks, and when you get back, we’ll hang out and watch movies and stuff.

  There. That won’t be so hard.

  Monday, May 19, 6:05 p.m.

  In my room

  As soon as Dad got home from the diner today, he told me, “April, I sent in your registration and deposit for camp. It’s official!”

  “It’s official!” screamed May.

  “It’s official?” I asked.

  Dad nodded, confirming that everything was set. Maybe it was from his end, but I still had something I needed to take care of.

  6:22 p.m.

  I’m going to text Matt to see if he wants to walk his dog with me.

  6:24 p.m.

  Unfortunately, he does. Oh God. Here goes.

  6:48 p.m.

  Home from dog walking

  This dog walk wasn’t like my last one with Matt. It started fine. Matt was talking about how he’s playing on a travel team this summer. “My team is playing in Birmingham, Mobile, and Atlanta.” He paused and looked down at me like he was apologizing. “So I’ll be gone a lot.”

  It was the perfect opportunity to tell him. I took a deep breath.

  “I’ll be gone some too,” I said. Then I told him about Camp Silver Shores and how, except for last summer, I’d gone every summer since I was nine. “I love going to camp there,” I added.

  I looked at Matt like it was his turn to say something about camp or ask me why I love it, but he didn’t. He just shrugged like he had no comment.

  “I’ll only be gone four weeks,” I said, like it wasn’t that much time. I looked at Matt again. There was no trace of a smile on his face. “Are you mad I’m going?” I asked.

  “Whatever,” mumbled Matt. He barely looked at me after that.

  I wasn’t sure if I should say something else, but the truth is, I had no idea what I’d say. I’d felt so sure of my decision when I made it, but Matt’s response was making me unsure all over again.

  5:15 p.m.

  I just called Sophie to tell her I’d decided to go to camp and how my conversation had gone with Matt, but before I could say anything, Sophie said she had some news for me.

  “I’m coming to Faraway!” Then she told me her parents are going to Europe for the summer and that she’s going to come and stay here, at Gaga and Willy’s house, for six weeks.

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Why do you want to be in Faraway for the summer?”

  Sophie laughed like it was a dumb question. “When you asked me about camp, it made me realize I’ve never done anything in the summer but travel around Europe with my parents. I want to have a real American teenage summer. What better place to do it than Faraway?”

  I could think of a bunch of places, but apparently Sophie couldn’t.

  “When I told my parents that I want to come here, I thought for sure they would say no, but they agreed to it. Pretty quickly, actually. So now I have an opinion on what you should do this summer,” said Sophie. “Stay home! I’ll be there too.”

  I hated telling Sophie just as much as I hated telling Matt I’d decided to go to camp.

  But she was cool. “We’ll still have a week before you leave and a week when you get back to spend together,” she said.

  “That’ll be great,” I told her. And it will be. For me. But I can’t imagine what Sophie is going to do for four weeks in Faraway.

  Friday, May 23, 3:15 p.m.

  Last day of school

  The school year ended.

  All the kids in Faraway are out and happy and free and thinking about things like pools and beaches and bathing suits. I’m thinking about those things too, but I’m also thinking about the choice I made.

  Dear God, please let it be a good one.

  Oh please don’t go—we’ll eat you up—we love you so!

  —The wild things, Where the Wild Things Are

  Monday, May 26

  Memorial Day

  Today Matt asked me if I wanted to go to the beach. He told me a bunch of kids were going and he wanted me to come too. But when I asked Mom and Dad, they said NO! And the reason they wouldn’t let me go was so stupid. They didn’t want me hanging out with a bunch of high school kids!

  “I’m going to be one of those kids in three months!” I told them.

  I shouldn’t have had to remind Mom and Dad that I’m starting high school in August. But no matter what I said, they wouldn’t let me go, which was too bad because this is the first thing Matt has asked me to do since I told him I’m going to camp a week ago.

  Wednesday, May 28, 4:45 p.m.

  In my room

  What I did today: helped May get ready for camp. It was fun. I helped her pick out what she should take and Mom ironed her name labels in as we picked.

  What I didn’t do (today or yesterday or unfortunately, the day before): see Matt.

  After I told him I was going to camp, things were kind of weird between us. Then they got normal again. Then Monday, he asked me to go to the beach and I told him my mom and dad wouldn’t let me go. What if he thought that was just an excuse and that I didn’t want to go? What if he thinks I’m going to camp because I don’t care about being with him?

  I need to make sure he doesn’t think that.

  10:28 p.m.

  Can’t believe what I just did!

  I just texted Matt to see if he wants to come over, and he said yes!

  I would never say, “Do you want to come to my front
porch?” He always just shows up, but I did it because I wanted to make sure he didn’t think I didn’t want to go to the beach on Monday.

  He probably thinks I texted him because I want to make out. It’s not that I don’t want to make out, but I really want to tell him why I didn’t go to the beach.

  11:11 p.m.

  Matt just left. We talked and we made out. We started kissing as soon as he got to my porch, but after a while, I pulled away and asked if he was mad I didn’t go to the beach.

  “Nah,” he said. But he seemed kind of mad. “Are you mad I’m going to camp?”

  “Nah,” he said, then he pulled me back into him and we started kissing again.

  I wasn’t sure if “nah” meant he wasn’t mad or if he just wanted to kiss and not talk. But when he left he said, “See you soon,” which hopefully means he meant what he said when he said, “nah.”

  Monday, June 2, 4:30 p.m.

  My talk with Sophie

  I just spent the last forty-three minutes on the phone. We talked about a lot of things, but mainly we talked about Matt and why I didn’t see him all weekend. I don’t want to be the kind of girlfriend who dissects every little thing her boyfriend says, but the last time I saw him was last Wednesday night when I asked him to come to my front porch. When he left and said, “See you soon,” it made me think I would, but I haven’t.

  I texted with him on Thursday and Friday, but I was the one who texted first. He didn’t text or call all day Saturday, so Sunday, I texted him.

  Me: What’s up?

  Matt: Nothin.

  Me: Where’ve you been?

  Matt: Around.

  Me: Seems like I’m always the one who texts first.

  (No response for 12 minutes.)

  Me: ??

  Matt (after 4 more minutes): Why does it matter who texts first?

  Matt: ??

  Me: (Not sure how to answer.)

  Matt: I don’t really like texting.

  I wasn’t sure if Matt meant in general or with me. When I talked to Sophie, I asked her if she thought he was saying he doesn’t like texting with me.

  “Probably not,” she said. Then she added that guys are weird sometimes and that we could talk about that (and lots of other things) when she gets to Faraway on Friday.

  Friday can’t get here fast enough!

  Friday, June 6, 10:45 p.m.

  Sophie arrived!

  I went with my dad to the airport in Mobile to pick up Sophie. “I can’t believe you’re here!” I screamed when I saw her.

  “I know! Me too!” Sophie was just as excited as I was, which honestly made me feel good because I truly don’t think coming to Faraway is all that exciting. But I’m glad she does.

  My whole family had dinner at Gaga and Willy’s, and Sophie and I planned everything we’re going to do for the next week before I leave for camp. We’re going to have so much fun!

  It’s what I was thinking about as I was going to sleep tonight and heard the knock on my window. I hopped out of bed. This was the third night in a row (not that I’m counting) that Matt had come over. He’s like a magician. Sometimes he’s nowhere to be found, and then he mysteriously appears.

  Whatever. I was excited to tell him about Sophie. “I can’t wait for you to meet her!” I said. “It’s so cool that she’s here.”

  “Yeah,” Matt said, but I could tell by the look on his face that he was kind of indifferent. He might not care that Sophie’s in Faraway, but I’m glad she’s here.

  Monday, June 9, 8:45 p.m.

  Sophie and I had such a fun weekend! We spent the weekend at Gaga’s curled up in our PJs, watching romantic comedies, looking at old photo albums and baking cookies.

  “Did you bring any real clothes?” Sophie’s grandpa teased her. She did, but neither of us put them on. Sophie wanted Gaga to teach us how to knit even though I didn’t want to learn.

  “Try it,” said Sophie. “Knitting is very retro.”

  Gaga gave me a told-you-so wink. But I didn’t want to do it, so Gaga told Sophie she would teach her while I’m gone.

  This morning, we finally got dressed and went on a bike ride with Billy and Brynn. It was the same ride Billy, Brynn, and I have always gone on—to Rock Creek, then on to Mr. Agee’s farm to count cows, and then to 7-Eleven for Slurpees. “This is the closest I’ve ever been to a real cow,” Sophie said as we settled in on Mr. Agee’s fence.

  “I guess they don’t have many cows in New York City,” said Billy.

  Sophie laughed and told him they don’t have any.

  I could tell Billy thought that was funny. He was making jokes about the cows and he was being super friendly to Sophie. He asked her lots of questions about where she lived and her school and her friends. Brynn wasn’t as friendly. She was actually kind of standoffish.

  “I think she was upset that we’re spending so much time together while you’re here,” I told Sophie when we got back to Gaga’s. But Sophie disagreed.

  “I think she didn’t like that Billy was talking to me. I think she likes him. I mean, likes him.” That’s not news to Sophie. We’ve talked about it lots of times before.

  But I reminded Sophie about the pact Brynn and Billy and I made this spring, that no one would be anything more than friends.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “It seems like that’s a pact Brynn might not want to keep.”

  “But Billy wouldn’t break it,” I said.

  Sophie did a half-shrug, like it’s hard to know.

  Billy is a lot of things, but I just don’t think of him as a pact breaker.

  Wednesday, June 11, 4:45 p.m.

  Sophie met Matt

  Ever since Sophie arrived, she’s been asking when she would meet Matt.

  It wasn’t like I wasn’t trying. But every time I asked if he wanted to hang out, he was busy. Tonight was finally the night. Sophie and I were walking Gilligan, and we saw Matt coming home from a game. “He’s even cuter in person!” Sophie whispered as he walked toward us in his uniform.

  I gave Matt a come-over-and-meet-Sophie wave.

  He walked towards us, but slowly, like he wasn’t in a hurry to meet Sophie. And he wasn’t very friendly. She was asking him all about baseball and his team, but he didn’t ask her anything about herself.

  Which seemed kind of weird. Like he didn’t like her or something.

  “What did you think of Matt?” I asked when we walked off.

  Sophie turned and looked at him like she needed a second look before she could give her opinion. When she turned to look, my eyes followed hers, and I saw that Matt had turned to look back over his shoulder too. It was totally embarrassing. We were all looking at each other. Everyone turned around quickly, like no one wanted anyone else to know they’d been looking.

  “So what’d you think?” I asked again.

  “I’m not sure,” said Sophie. She opened her mouth like she was going to add something, but she closed it again. I thought it was odd, because Sophie always says what’s on her mind.

  When I got home, I texted Matt and asked what he thought of Sophie. But he didn’t respond. I don’t know why, but his lack of an answer bothered me even more.

  Friday, June 13, 10:42 p.m.

  Good-byes

  The first good-bye wasn’t so bad.

  We had a family going-away dinner for May and me at Gaga’s. Everyone was there, including Sophie. Gaga had fondue pots set up, so we made beef and chicken fondue for dinner and then we had chocolate fondue for dessert. I don’t know what gave her the idea, but everyone had fun doing it. When it was time to go home, I said bye to all my cousins and saved Sophie for last.

  “I’m going to miss you!” I said as I gave her a hug.

  “How do you think I feel?” said Sophie. “What am I going to do here for four weeks without you?”

  “You’ll have plenty of time to work on knitting your scarf and mittens.”

  Sophie laughed. “Maybe I’ll make a blanket too.”

  “Good
idea,” I told her. Then I leaned closer. “Keep an eye on Matt while I’m gone,” I whispered.

  “Will do,” said Sophie.

  Then we hugged one last time and I left. Saying bye to her wasn’t easy. We’d had so much fun together since she arrived, and part of me didn’t want to go. Plus, I knew I’d have to say good-bye to Matt next. I don’t want to sound like a drama queen, but I was kind of picturing Matt and me kissing and saying it would be hard to be apart for four weeks. But the real good-bye was nothing like that.

  When I got home from Gaga’s, I kept checking my phone to see if he’d called or texted. But he hadn’t. He knew I had to get up early to go on the camp bus, so it kind of sucked that he hadn’t tried to make a plan to say bye. By nine I still I hadn’t heard from him, so I texted him. I told him he should come over sooner vs. later because my parents would think it was weird if we didn’t say good-bye.

  He came over, but it seemed like he only did because he felt like he had to.

  When he walked into the den, I tried to give my family a look like they should excuse themselves, but they didn’t. They just stuck around, so all Matt ended up saying was pretty lame stuff like bye and have fun.

  When he was leaving, I walked him out the door. We were standing on my front porch. Our place. I finally had a minute alone with him.

  “I won’t have my phone at camp,” I told him. “So you won’t be able to text me.”

  Matt shrugged like that wasn’t a problem.

  “But you can write,” I said. “I’ll write to you too.”

  Matt raised his eyebrows like someone just asked him to shave his head. “I’m not much of a letter writer,” he said.

  “I’ll miss you,” I said. And this time I wasn’t even embarrassed to say it.

  But Matt just looked at me like he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. Then he leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. “Yeah, me too,” he said, and he left.

  But I wasn’t convinced. I’m also not convinced that going to camp is a good idea.

  I repeated the prayer I made the last day of school. But this time, I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed like I really meant it.