Alexander kissed her hand, and began to trail kisses down her wrist, to her elbow, and up to her shoulder, before moving to her breast, and placing his head upon her chest.
"I can hear your heart beating in time to mine. We're one heart now, one flesh, Sarah. I'm never going to leave you. I don't care about my old life. I don't want any more questions answered. I belong with you, to you, and you alone. Everything I need to know is right here. Everything I could ever want is here too." He wrapped his arms around her as though he would never let her go.
Her bargain with God popped into her head for a fleeting moment, but it was enough to fill her with alarm. Sarah began to pull away by small degrees. She had no regrets, though she knew there could well be consequences for her and her whole family were she to fall pregnant. But even more alarming was the prospect of loving him too much only to lose him.
But his clever fingers on her sensitized body soon had her thrumming with desire.
When he pulled her to him tightly, she surrendered herself and her worries gladly. There was no such thing as loving too much. At least not with a man like Alexander.
They made love once more under the glowing rays of the sun which, with their lovemaking, warmed their bodies better than any blanket.
Chapter Eighteen
Sarah opened her eyes sleepily, and looked out the window. Another glorious spring day beckoned. She yawned and stretched, and started as she came up against something rock-solid in the bed. Turning her head, she stared at the huge, lithe form of Alexander.
She looked at her own naked body and his, and gaped. He was even more splendid in broad daylight than he had been last night. He was lying prone on his back, one arm tucked under his head, his other hand stretched along the pillow under her head. He was completely bared to her gaze, nothing hidden, all revealed.
Her cheeks grew heated, her breathing ragged. She feasted her eyes on him taking in every inch of his magnificent maleness. His face was boyishly handsome in repose, more gorgeous than ever before. Perhaps it was just because she was looking at him with the eyes of love?
But no, there was more to it than that. For the first time since she had known him, the frown of studied concentration had vanished. He looked happy and carefree. Like a man in love.
She admired him for a few moments, her heart racing at a breakneck pace. Unable to resist his splendor, she leaned over to kiss him. Her hand stroked over his shoulder, across his chest, and down to his hand. She grasped it firmly in her own, and stroked up that arm, pulling herself more closely to him.
He roused slightly, and murmured, "I'm having the most wonderful dream."
"It's no dream. It's all real."
"It must be a dream. I never want to wake up."
She kissed him more warmly, until his arms encircled her. "Not a dream. Real flesh and blood. And all yours."
"Mine," he sighed. He stroked her almost tentatively, and she could sense an odd distance in his response.
"Are you very tired and sore from last night?" she asked.
"No. But I think you might be."
"No, I'm fine. Neither of us will be going out riding for the next couple of days, though."
He gave a short laugh. "No, not unless I want a mud bath."
"What, not even if you get one of my special ones afterwards?" she whispered teasingly.
"Well, when you put it that way." He rolled over onto his side to kiss her long and hard, and slid one knee up the side of her leg from calf to mid thigh. But she noticed he still did not put his hands on her, just held her lightly. Was he just so much of a gentleman, or was something else troubling him?
She stroked his face and chin, and rubbed her cheek against his light bristles. She kissed from his chin to his neck, before planting nibbling kisses down to his nipples. She was delighted to see that they hardened to her touch, and swirled her tongue around them just as he had done to her.
"Nice?" she asked.
"Wonderful," he sighed, stretching the word out lazily like a purr.
She took one of his hands and placed it on her own bosom. He hesitated for a moment, then relaxed and began to stroke her breast. She moved back up to his mouth to kiss him, while her hand dipped ever lower. He held her wrist for a moment, but she continued to wriggle her fingers, and he surrendered with a sigh.
She was not sure why he was holding back, but a little devil inside of her was determined to make whatever barriers he was constructing for himself crumble to dust.
She moved her hand onto him, and let it travel down lower, to the apex between his thighs, before stroking upwards lightly. She knew she had to be careful with some parts of him. She recalled the agony of her brother once when he had been kicked in the groin area.
Alexander groaned now, but it was a sound of raw pleasure. "What are you doing to me?" he gasped.
"Can't you guess?" she whispered huskily.
"Sarah, it's good of you to-"
She giggled. "Good of me? Not quite. Most people would say it was wicked. But I love you, Alexander. I don't want to ever spend another night apart from you."
"You say that now, but what if I discover... We discover..."
She kissed him before moving to straddle him. "This is all I need to know. The way we are now. Past and future don't matter. I love you. I want you. It can't be wrong."
He tried to hold her back, but she slid down him until he groaned and grasped her hips. Still he hesitated.
"Go on, touch me, love me. I won't break, Alexander, I promise." She moved against him, and he was lost.
Holding her tightly with one hand, he flipped her over on her back and drove into her with powerful hot strokes which set her to shuddering. Her sanity splintered, and she could hear herself crying out his name with a desperate urgency as he brought her higher and higher. They climaxed together, long pulsings of delight which seemed to last an eternity.
At that he groaned and pulled away. "Oh, Lord, Sarah, I can't believe I forgot myself like that."
"I did it too." She clung to him fiercely. "Is it so unusual then? From what you can remember, I mean."
He shook his head. "I don't know what to think, what to feel. Part of me is telling me not to. The other part of me is swirling with all sorts of passions and needs, and doubts."
"I trust you," Sarah reassured him. "With my life. Body and soul."
"I know you do. I just don't trust myself." He sighed and turned over onto his back, his head leaning against the board. She moved up with him, and rested her head on his chest. Both still trembled with the aftershocks of their incredible lovemaking.
"Sometimes a person can think too much. Look at my brother, for example. He tried to do the noble thing and give up Pamela, when all the time he loved her. I don't want you to think you have to be noble and give me up. I love you, Alexander. I don't care what you can and can't remember. I don't care if you can't see."
He put one hand on her shoulder and shook her slightly. "You say that now, my love. But you might come to care."
"I didn't care about your, er, problem. We took steps and we solved it. We can do the same with your other ones."
He scowled. "I don't want to be a burden to you, a problem that has to be solved, Sarah. I want to be a husband, a true partner in life, not a millstone around your neck."
"You know you aren't!" she argued, cupping his cheek. "Look how much we've accomplished together in the past few days. We work well as a team, you know we do. You don't have to look after me or protect me. I'm not some silly young girl."
He shook his head. "I never said you were, Sarah. I would marry you tomorrow if I could be sure I wasn't married already. It's been wonderful being like this with you, but we have to think of the consequences. If you should fall pregnant-"
"We'll cope with it together," she said firmly. "I'm an independent woman with my own fortune. And with good friends who would might be shocked, but would never cast me out or judge me."
"The rest of the world will not be so tolerant
," he predicted in a grim tone. "You know how the world works."
"I don't give a fig about the rest of the world," she said bravely, though deep inside she felt torn. All of her principles and scruples were not so easily overset, no matter how much she loved him.
"At least you have no reason to care. You have no family or friends that you know of. I will guess that Jonathan considered you a friend, though, so he wouldn't think less of you now. You're making the best of a very hard set of circumstances, and we're in love. Aren't we?" she added, suddenly wracked with doubts. She had been so sure of her own feelings, but she knew love was different for everyone...
"Yes, yes, we are, I think. It's a new feeling for me. It makes me want to always be with you, protect you. It also makes me fearful, and well, almost sad, and also..."
"Also what?"
"I was going to say angry. But that doesn't sound right," he said in puzzlement.
"Hmm. An interesting word. Jealous, maybe?"
"Maybe," he admitted.
"Why fearful?"
He kissed her. "Fearful of losing you, hurting you, touching you."
Her brows rose as she stared at him. "Why of touching me?" she asked softly.
"Because women don't like to be mauled or pawed. The hair, the gown... Women don't have those desires, not like men, or so they say. But she lied. I've seen her- And the boys-"
He made a choking sound and sat up. She looked at him in alarm as he clutched his head and groaned.
"It's all right, Alexander. I'm here with you. I'm not going to leave you." She held him to her, her arms around his shoulders, her chest pressed against his back until he quieted, soothed by her presence, her open trust in him.
"What is it, what did you see?" she whispered.
"I'm not sure. But they were all dead."
She felt herself go cold all over. "Who was?"
"Two small boys. And I think a woman. I can't be sure if she was dead, or asleep. Just pretending." His voice took on a hard, unreal quality. "It was all pretend. She was in shadow. Beautiful, but sharp, hard. She looked soft. Like a rose, but with huge thorns. She smiled, but she lied. She touched me, but drew away, and left me naked and alone. She went off- And then they came, and the boys-"
He rolled onto his side away from her and sat up at the edge of the bed. "Damn it, Sarah. I told you last night, I don't want to remember!"
He sounded as though he were in agony.
She moved over to him and hugged him hard. "You don't have to. I won't ask any more. I love you, Alexander. You're mine now. Mine and safe. And I'm yours, yours, and safe and happy."
She kissed him, and he groaned and pulled her to him desperately. Despairingly. He ravished her mouth with his own, making love to her all over again as if he was trying to flee the visions he had just experienced.
His embrace was fierce, all encompassing. She should have been frightened, but instead of withdrawing, she opened to him like a flower to the fierce rays of the sun.
She stroked, caressed, and pushed him on, exorcising his demons as he entered her as though worshipping the very breath in her, before his male need took over and he thrust into her with a primitive, possessive rhythm as old as time, and begged her for more.
"It's all right. You can have all of me, Alexander. All of me right now, as hard as you like, as much as you need."
He shook his head, looking almost wild with need and fear. "But I might hurt-"
"No pain, only pleasure, darling. Harder, deeper. Give me all of you."
The rhythm of his hips changed at once, almost pounding into her tightness. "Yes, my love, oh yes."
Finally, just as she was sure she couldn't tolerate another second of the exquisite pleasure, he let out a huge, shuddering groan, and collapsed on top of her.
She cradled his head against her bosom. Exhausted, they both slept.
Chapter Nineteen
When Sarah awoke several hours later, she could tell by the position of the shadows in the room that it had to be well on into the afternoon. She had no idea what Caleb and Jenny were going to say when they eventually descended the stairs. She hoped they would understand and not be too critical of them. She did not fancy trying to lie, but nor could she bear their censorious gazes.
At any rate, she did not have to worry for the moment. Alexander was still sound asleep, and still planted firmly between her thighs. In fact, more than firmly, she thought with an inward giggle of shocked delight.
She had certainly opened the floodgates of his passion, she thought wryly. Of course she would not dream of complaining. What she had learned was worrying, though. He had been married, and had lost his family. The marriage had not been a happy one, with every indication pointing to his former wife having been less than honest with him, perhaps even unfaithful.
How had his sons died? An uneasy suspicion popped into her head. Once it was there, it was not so easy to get rid of. Had he done something in a fit of jealousy, to the boys, his wife, all of them?
But no. Alexander was not that kind of man, she was sure of it. He had been hurt, wounded by his former wife's indifference and her lies. But to resort to violence or cruelty? It didn't seem possible.
Yet he had been a soldier so far as she could tell. Violence and cruelty were all too common in the Army. Had they been killed in the war?
She considered this possibility for a time as she lay reveling in his huge hard body. Dazzling desire coursed through her, rendering her almost incapable of thought.
But she needed to concentrate. Their lovemaking also appeared to have opened the dam of his memory. He had been despairing enough before. She didn't want him to grow even more despondent, for it had been hard enough reaching him then, without him pulling even further away just when she thought they were truly moving forward with their lives.
Had his wife been with him in his regiment? It seemed unlikely. He was too well bred to have had a wife as a mere camp follower, and it was very difficult for married officers to obtain permission for their wives to travel with them. Usually only six were ever officially allowed, and they had to prove willing to fit in with army life, nursing the men, helping with sewing, laundry and so on. The process of gaining permission was an arduous one, based upon seniority and only permissible if the quota were not filled. It would have been even harder to take along two children.
Perhaps that was why he had fled to the Army? To get away from an unhappy marriage?
She had so many questions, and so few answers. But she had promised Alexander she would not pry. That was going to be difficult, however, with her whole future resting on the central point of whether or not his wife was still alive. They could not marry as long as they suspected this to be true. And they would be committing adultery every time they touched.
What would it be like to live with him, have children with him, if she was constantly living in fear of the other woman turning up to claim him? It would blight their entire existence.
Sarah tried to find a way around her difficulties. Having known the joys of sharing his bed, she wasn't willing to give him up without a fight. She knew she was a fallen woman now. In the eyes of many she would be deemed no better than the poor unfortunates she dealt with in the clinic.
But her circumstances were very different, she told herself firmly. She had not been seduced, tricked, betrayed. Alexander would never willingly hurt her. Never deceive or abandon her. She was wealthy in her own right. She could make her way in the world, provide for them both. And if his wife was still alive, a divorce could be arranged. She wasn't sure, but she thought the marriage would be null and void if they were separated for seven years. If she did turn up, well, there were certain conditions that would make it possible and easy. The party deemed at fault any the divorce might not be able to re-marry, though, she reminded herself, worrying her lower lip between her teeth.
His former wife seemed to have been to blame, at any rate. It might not be too hard to secure a divorce if his wife wanted to be free of a man
whom she had never much cared about before he had been injured. She would most likely be even more glad to be rid of a blind and handicapped spouse with no memory.
Sarah pushed these thought aside quickly as he stirred against her in his sleep. She was determined not to think about it. She had told Alexander they would take it one day, and one night at a time. She had to keep her side of the bargain.
All she needed to know was that she loved him, would do anything to be with him. She was not going to let any past troubles, or any potential future ones, spoil the miraculous gift of love they had been given. Many would blame her for sticking her head in the sand, but it was the only way to get through this, this turmoil.
Alexander moved his head to kiss her cheek sleepily. "Good morning, Sarah."
The Rakehell Regency Romance Collection Volume 2 Page 21
