The kids shifted and nudged, dropped their hymnbooks and whispered loudly. Jared tried his best to control them but breathed a big sigh of relief when they finally left with a group of other children for junior worship. Once they were gone Jared relaxed and was able to concentrate on the sermon.
At times he found it difficult to believe that he looked forward to attending church. There had been a time when darkening the door of a church meant a funeral or a wedding was taking place. Seeing the change in Jen and Steve last summer had really started him thinking. Jared was pretty sure that even if he’d not ended up meeting those missionaries he would have become a Christian through Steve and Jen’s witness.
He still struggled with the day to day realities of being a Christian but starting each day with Kate for their devotions helped a lot. Jared was very glad that it was something he shared with Kate. They had a lot more in common than he had ever realized.
The pastor’s preaching broke through his thoughts, and Jared quickly turned his attention to the pulpit.
"Mother’s Day is next Sunday," Pastor Gregson reminded them. "I’d like to take some time today and next Sunday to talk about the ways we should be honoring the women in our lives. I’m going to be talking a lot to the men today, but don’t relax too much, ladies. Your turn will come next month."
A light ripple of laughter swept through the congregation.
Mother’s Day. Jared wondered exactly how he was to celebrate that with Kate this year. Kate wasn’t really a mother any more than he was a father. The kids still called them both aunt and uncle and probably always would.
"I’d like for you all to turn to Ephesians five and we’ll start to read at verse twenty-five."
Jared found the passage and followed along as the pastor read. He couldn’t help squirming a bit at the very first phrase. Husbands, love your wives. It was repeated not once, but three times in the passage the pastor read.
The pastor went on to talk about giving children a loving home in which to grow. A home where love flowed freely, not just from parent to child, but from husband to wife. "Let your children see what a loving relationship is. In a world that has skewed the word love to fit their purposes, show your children what true love is. Show respect for your wives so that your children will also respect her, and not just her but others they come in contact with throughout their lives. Your children are forming a picture of what a marriage should be by looking at you. What sort of example are you giving them?"
Jared looked down at the Bible in his lap. What did the kids think when they looked at him and Kate? He knew that Steve and Jen had never been reluctant to show their love for each other around others. Not that they had been overt with the physical side of things, but it had been there in the way they looked at each other. The affection and the caring. The love.
"Maybe some of you men are sitting there thinking, but Pastor Gregson, you just don’t know my wife. Or maybe you think you’re not in love with her any more. This may be true in particular for those of you who have been married for many years now. But don’t give up. You may not see that blaze of first love, but the ember is still there. Or if it’s not, ask the Lord to light the fire of love for you. Sometimes it goes beyond falling in love—to learning to love. It’s a choice to love someone. Make that choice today. Decide that you are going to love the wife you stood before God with and vowed to keep until death do you part.
"Take your Bible and read first Corinthians thirteen, focusing particularly on verses four to seven. Ask the Lord to give you that kind of love for your wife. Ask Him to give you that spark of love in your heart once again. Husbands, love your wives. It’s not an option. It’s a command."
Jared sat, stunned. He had never realized he was being disobedient in not loving Kate. He had just accepted that love between them probably wasn’t ever going to happen. Affection, caring, yes, but probably not love. Jared had never even thought of asking God to give him love for Kate. But as the pastor closed his sermon and asked the men whose love for their wives had faded to join him in prayer, Jared was praying right along with them. Asking God to give him love for Kate.
Once the service ended, Jared collected the children and went through a nearby drive-through for some takeout before heading home. The kids didn’t appear to notice their uncle’s silence as they talked about their morning. They scrambled out of the van once they got to the house. Jared followed more slowly, his mind filled with all the pastor had said.
He set the bag of side dishes and the bucket of chicken on the counter and stared out the kitchen window. Did Kate know about the command for husbands to love their wives? Was she thinking him disobedient because he didn’t? And was there no command for wives to love their husbands? Could he ever take the risk of telling Kate he loved her without knowing if she felt the same way about him?
"How was the service?" Kate’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts. Jared took a moment to compose himself before turning around.
She stood in the doorway, her light cotton dress flowing around her ankles. Dani lay sound asleep on one shoulder.
"It went pretty good. Better once the junior worship crew was dismissed."
Kate laughed softly. "Yes, it seems to settle right down after they all leave."
"How’s Dani?" Jared reached into the bag and began to pull out the French fries and gravy.
"She’s doing okay. I think she’s just teething. The medicine seems to have helped her fever and probably helped to dull the pain a bit. She didn’t want to go down in her crib though, so I’ve just been rocking her."
"Never realized sprouting teeth was so painful."
"And she’s not finished yet," Kate said wryly as she stroked a hand up and down Dani’s back. She had a natural sway that went into motion whenever she held Dani. She was a good mother. "I’m going to see if I can put her down and then I’ll come back and help you get dinner on the table."
Jared nodded and watched Kate leave the room. He stared for a few seconds at the empty doorway before turning back to the food. He wasn’t alone long as the kids had changed and joined him in the kitchen. By the time Kate came back downstairs the food was on the table along with the paper plates and plastic cutlery the restaurant had generously provided.
"This is my kind of meal," Kate said with a grin as she sat down in her chair.
All through the rest of the afternoon and evening Jared tried to push aside thoughts of the pastor’s sermon but later that night, as Kate lay sleeping in his arms, he let them fill his mind again. She lay on her side, her cheek resting on his chest. Jared couldn’t see her clearly in the darkness of the room but all his other senses registered her presence in his arms. In his life.
Jared stroked her cheek feeling the softness of her skin beneath his fingertips. He could hear her steady breathing and felt the warmth of each breath on his skin. The scents that were uniquely Kate surrounded him. She never wore an overwhelming perfume, but he could smell the strawberry shampoo she used. Then there was the light powder scent from holding Dani. He knew she used lotion after each shower and its light scent mingled with the others.
He knew so much about Kate, and yet so little. She was a part of his life in a way no other woman ever had been. And as Jared lay there, he realized that if she ever left him—if anything ever happened to her—there would be a void in his life that no one could ever fill. Was that love? Jared didn’t know, but he wished he’d read that other passage the pastor had mentioned. He’d written the reference down on a scrap of paper and tomorrow he would read it.
As sleep drew near, Jared prayed once again God to give him love for Kate. And selfishly, he also asked God to give Kate love for him. Suddenly it had become very important to Jared that Kate also love him.
Sometime a little later in the night Jared woke to hear Dani crying. Jared felt Kate slip out of his arms and the bed. He dozed off and on waiting until she was back in bed with him before falling back asleep. She got up several more times during the night. He had tried
to get her to stay in bed while he got up but she had insisted that he needed to rest since he had work the next day.
Jared woke before the alarm the next morning and shut it off so it wouldn’t wake Kate. She lay sound asleep even after he climbed out of bed and got ready for the day. A quick check on Dani showed she was still slumbering on as well. He got the other three up and after they managed to get dressed quietly, Jared fed them breakfast.
"Why didn’t you wake me?" They all glanced up to see Kate come into the kitchen, a sleepy Dani propped on one hip. Her braid had loosened and wisps of hair floated around her sleep-flushed face.
"You were up so much in the night I figured you and Dani could use the extra sleep." Jared stood and took Dani from her. He strapped the little girl into her high chair. "You go on and sit down. I’ve got breakfast all under control."
Kate slumped down in the chair next to Dani. Jared held out a steaming cup of coffee which she eagerly took. He smiled as she closed her eyes and took a sip.
"Absolute heaven," she proclaimed.
There was no time for a leisurely breakfast with Kate and Dani. The kids barely finished their breakfast before they had to head out the door to the bus. After saying good-bye to Kate and Dani, Jared was also out the door.
He stopped to talk to the guard who was there to keep watch over Kate and Dani, then headed for the office. As he drove down the road, Jared promised himself that he would look up I Corinthians thirteen when he got home that night. With the way the sun was shining and the lightness in his heart, Jared hoped for a problem-free day.
And basically that was what he got. Oh, there were the usual snags in his day but nothing major. Until the envelope arrived just as he was getting ready to go home. Jared opened it without hesitation even though he’d seen that it was from the National Transportation Safety Board. But what he read froze his blood and filled him with pain.
*****
Kate stared at the angry boy in front of her. She’d never seen Bry like this before, but if he had picked a day to showcase the full range of his negative emotions he may as well have chosen the day when everything else had already gone wrong.
"I’m sorry, Bry, but this game is not acceptable." Kate gestured to the video game that lay on the counter, its violent content fully visible on the front cover. "You’ll have to return it tomorrow. You shouldn’t have spent your allowance on something like that before talking to me or your uncle."
Bry’s fists clenched and his face was fiery as he glared at her. The anger in his eyes frightened Kate a bit.
"You are not my mother. You can’t tell me what to do."
Pain burst in Kate’s heart. "I know that, Bry. I’m not trying to replace your mother but I do have the right to tell you what to do. Both your uncle and I do. If you prefer, we can discuss this with him when he gets home." Whenever that was. Jared was already three hours late and hadn’t answered any of Kate’s calls.
"He can’t tell me what to do either. None of you can!" Bry flung his arm out. It caught the glass sitting on the counter and sent it flying to the floor. Stunned silence fell between them as it shattered on the floor, the fruit juice splattering across the white floor and cupboards like blood.
Kate took a deep breath. She wished that Jared was there to help her deal with this. Bry needed a firm hand and Kate wasn’t sure she had it. She was so tired. Dani had fussed throughout the day and refused to take her nap. Thankfully she had gone to bed early but Kate anticipated another interrupted night. Candy had whined from the moment she’d gotten home until Kate had sent her upstairs for a bath. And then there was Jared and his conspicuous absence. Amelia was the only one who hadn’t caused any problems. But the day wasn’t over yet…
"Clean it up," Kate spoke firmly as she pointed to the mess on the floor.
Bry didn’t say anything but crossed his arms over his chest and lifted his chin.
"I’m not kidding here, Bryan. You clean that up right now." Kate’s own temper was fraying quickly but she held on to it, just barely.
They glared at each other for several long seconds, fiery green eyes meeting cool gray ones. Bry dropped his gaze first and with jerky steps skirted the glass to get the mop from the cupboard. Once Kate saw he was going to clean it up, she got a dishcloth from the sink and began to wipe the red juice from the cupboards. They worked in tense silence until the kitchen was clean.
"I’ll talk to your uncle about the game, Bry, and we’ll let you know in the morning if you can keep it."
Bry glared at her before hurling one final arrow. "You’ll never be my mother. You can never be as good as she was. I wish you weren’t here."
Kate’s shoulders slumped as he stalked out of the kitchen. Today she was feeling the full weight of responsibility for the four children. And it hurt to be reminded that she wasn’t their mother. She was no one’s mother.
Wearily Kate left the kitchen and went upstairs. She ignored Bry’s closed door as she got Candy and Amelia ready for bed. Once they were settled she checked on Dani and then went to Bry’s room. She opened his door a crack, relieved to see the light was off. She opened it a bit more, just enough to see the lump under his covers. Kate couldn’t keep from going to stand next to his bed.
Bry’s eyes were closed. Kate didn’t know if he was really sleeping, but she bent and pressed a kiss to his tousled curls. Her heart ached with the angry words that stood between them. With a final caress of his head, Kate left the room silently closing the door behind her and headed back downstairs.
Now that the kids no longer demanded her attention, Kate’s thoughts turned to Jared. As she stepped on the last step she heard a door close from the other end of the house. Heart pounding Kate went into the kitchen and through the short hallway to the garage door. She opened it a crack and felt relief spill through her when she saw Jared’s car parked in its usual spot.
Puzzled as to why he had gone right to the library without searching out her or the kids, Kate grabbed the game from the counter and headed there to find him. She needed to talk to him about Bry and what he’d chosen to spend his allowance on.
The door was closed so she knocked lightly. There was no answer so Kate cautiously opened the door. The only light in the room came from the lamp on the desk. Jared sat staring down a folder on his desk, emotion etched starkly on his face.
"Jared?" Kate took another step into the room but paused when he looked up, his eyes and face hard with grief. "What’s wrong?"
"What’s wrong?" Jared repeated, his voice harsh and tense. "Nothing except for the fact that I’m the reason my brother, Jen and her parents are dead."
"What?" Kate froze in shock.
"You heard me." There was no tenderness, no caring in his voice now. "The report I got today from the NTSB found evidence that certain parts of the airplane had been tampered with. It doesn’t take much to figure out it was an attempt to lure me back here where they could stage an accident and get rid of me. If the person you’d talked to had passed on your message like they were supposed to, there’s no doubt they would have succeeded. They probably had to call in a ton of favors to dispose of me in that helicopter crash later on. If it weren’t for me—Steve, Jen, her mom and your dad would still be alive."
"Jared, don’t talk that way." Kate longed to approach him and put her arms around him, to offer comfort, but for some reason she sensed he wouldn’t appreciate that. "It’s not your fault. It’s the fault of the person who killed them."
Jared laughed harshly. "You’re so naive, Kate. Of course it’s my fault. Nothing will ever change that."
Kate’s heart sank. Not so much at what he said, but what he called her. Kate. He rarely called her that any more. It was usually Katie. Kate sounded so harsh coming from him.
"Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. But you can’t go through the rest of your life with this guilt. It won’t change anything either," Kate told him gently.
"Is that what you tell yourself?" Jared asked, his expression hard and angry. "Is
that how you justify finding joy in raising your sister’s children? How you justify living out your dream at the expense of your sister’s life? You wouldn’t be here, in her house, sleeping in her bed, raising her children, if she hadn’t died. I guess you owe me some thanks. If it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t have died in that plane crash and given you your dreams on a silver platter."
Kate gasped with pain as each barb he flung found a mark on her already bruised and battered heart. She looked down at herself sure she’d see blood seeping through her blouse, the pain was so intense. She lifted her eyes and saw Jared’s head drop forward.
The video game slipped from numb fingers, falling noiselessly to the plush carpet. Kate turned, a hand clenched against her aching heart, struggling to draw breath through lungs tight with emotion, and fled the room on silent feet. Outside the room she paused trying to breathe, trying to sort out the emotions raging inside her. She started for the stairs to go to the sanctuary of her room but paused. Jen’s room. Jen’s kitchen. Jen’s family room. Everything here was Jen’s. Not hers. Never hers.
A ragged sob burst past her tightly pursed lips. Where could she go? What place was hers alone? The garden. Kate ran through the kitchen and slipped out the sliding door into the night.
Kate’s feet took her around the garden to the far side, in the shadows, hidden from view of the house. She sank to the thick grass, broken sobs wrenched from her very soul. Kate reached out shaking fingers to the rich soil. Soil she had worked. Soil she had nourished and planted her seedlings in. This was hers. This garden that had symbolized so much to her. But her garden flourished while her marriage and her life fell apart. All she was left with were symbols.
Kate lifted soil stained fingers to cover her face. Tears mingled with dirt, but Kate didn’t care. All she had ever cared about had just been ripped away from her. All her hopes and dreams lay shattered around her. Jared would never love her. Obviously he saw her as a callous, selfish person who took joy at the death of her sister. She would never be a true mother. Not to Bry or the girls and certainly not to a child of her own flesh.
Marrying Kate Page 13
