I could feel the hurt radiating from A.J. I still didn’t say a word.
“Long story painfully short, I was just some douche she thought she could pawn her kid off on. Her words, not mine. She thought I was such a loser that I’d be proud to take care of her kid while she was off making movies and commercials and doing print work. Living her life as she had before she got pregnant.”
“Why didn’t she just have an abortion?”
“Good question. She thought that having a kid, one she would never have to deal with, gave her character more depth. Honest to God, that’s what she said.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too. It took me a long time to get past it. I haven’t really gotten over it. Because of my parents, I had trust issues to begin with. That’s why I was never heavy into dating or anything. I just don’t trust people. But when she pulled that on me, it set me back. Way back. I got into my work. I avoided all personal relationships, with the exception of Suze and Gran, and I tried to bury it in the back of my mind.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Anything.”
“A long time ago, Suzi pointed out that you didn’t move hardly anything into the apartment when you moved in here. She suggested that I ask you about that blue sculpture…”
“Yeah. Right after Amanda told me she was pregnant, I was working on a shoot in this old neighborhood. Beautiful young women and a beat-up area with weathered older people —a total rip-off of the movie ‘Mahogany,’ but they figured that movie was so old nobody would even recognize it. Anyway, I saw that in the window of a little shop, and it just spoke to me. Of the future that I was going to have with my child, and the way I was going to break the cycle of what my parents did to Suze and me. When everything blew up, I kept it. To remind me that I’m just as screwed up as my parents.”
“No, you aren’t. You aren’t screwed up at all. Just because some girl abused you doesn’t mean that it has anything to do with you. She thought you were an honorable guy. That’s what she was saying. If you thought the baby was yours, you would do the right thing and raise the baby well, which shows you are the opposite of your parents.”
“Thanks. It really doesn’t matter. That’s all history. I feel like I don’t even know that guy anymore.”
“Then why do you keep it?”
“Bob Marley said, ‘Don’t forget your history nor your destiny.’” He shrugged. “I keep that as a reminder.”
“I’m sorry she hurt you.”
“I take responsibility for my part in it. I was stupid. I moved too fast. I didn’t know who she was before I got involved with her.”
“We didn’t know each other very well when we got together,” I reminded him.
“Not true.”
“Oh, Suzi? She told you all about me?” My stomach flipped. Did A.J. come looking for some safe and boring girl? Was that why he moved in with his sister’s ex-roommate?
“She talked about you, but that’s not what I’m saying.”
“Okay.” He must have heard the doubt and concern in my voice. I’m not saying I was insecure about some stuff, but mostly I’m not saying it because everybody already knew it anyway.
“I knew you by what you did. The way you treat people. The look on your face when those little ducks in the water retention pond got separated from their mother. You stood guard until she had them all back. The homeless guy that talks to the stop sign. You check the weather to see if you should bring him water.”
“Twice now I’ve found him with those sticky things on his chest that they use to check your heart in the hospital. I worry about him. I’ve tried everything I can to get him off the street, but he just doesn’t want to be helped.”
“Cara, don’t you see? You do help him. The best thing you can do in anyone’s life is to let them know that you’re thinking about them. That you care. That they’re on your mind even if they’re not in front of your face. That old crazy guy knows that somewhere there’s a pretty redhead that cares enough to drive over and bring him bottled water and a sandwich. People are so isolated now. All of our technologies haven’t brought us closer together; they’ve done the opposite. That old guy, he has a connection with you. I’ll bet if you asked him, he would tell you that it means everything to him.”
“Maybe.”
“You take it for granted that people care about you. That you can make a phone call and a dozen people will be anywhere you want them as fast as they can get there. When I got the crap kicked out of me in Old Town, it wasn’t my family that responded — it was yours. Think about that. Your family didn’t come to check on me because they care about me.”
“Yes, they did.”
“No, they didn’t. They came because they care about you.”
“That’s not true. Even if you broke up with me tomorrow, when the cops found your broken and bloodied body in the alley — I’m not saying I would hurt you, but you should be aware that I have a dark side — my family would check on you. Probably before they even went to the jail to bail me out.”
He chuckled. “I’ll remember that.”
“Seriously, A.J. Maybe when we first met it was all about the fact that they cared about me so they cared about you by extension, but that isn’t the case anymore. They care about you because they care about you.”
“I appreciate that. Really. I know Suzi and Gran were worried about me when it happened, but I’m not even sure my parents knew.”
“I’m sorry.”
A.J. took a deep breath. “Okay, that wasn’t true. There’s no way they didn’t know. They watch the news. Friends of theirs had to see it. What’s so messed up about our family that my parents didn’t even call to see if I was okay?”
I had no answer.
After a minute or two, A.J. took a deep breath. “I worry about that.”
“Worry about what?”
“Worry that there’s something in my family’s DNA or something. What happens if I turn out to be like my father?”
“You won’t.”
“How do you know?”
“Because it skips a generation. You’ll be more like your grandfather. I met him, you know. He was a great guy. He was so funny, and he was so gracious. He pinched your grandmother’s butt. She actually blushed. Suzi and I about fell out laughing. I only met him two or three times, but, A.J., you’re like your grandfather, not your father.”
He pinched my butt and made me laugh.
I allowed myself one moment of panic. If it really did skip a generation — all the ugliness and bad habits - then I would be more like my grandmother than my mother. When people say you’re like your mother, you cringe inside, no matter how wonderful your mother is. But if I was actually like my grandmother… Not good. Not good at all.
A.J. was able to take my mind off of it.
Evidently, sunrise heart-to-hearts wake him up in all the right ways.
TWO
TEAGAN CALLED AT about seven thirty. A.J. had just left for work, and I was sitting at the desk in the office trying to get some stuff done for Adeline.
“Hi. Are you okay?” I asked.
“Not really, but I will be.” Teagan sounded exhausted.
“You want to talk about it?”
“Yeah. That’s why I’m standing outside your door.”
I ran for the door, looked out the peephole — which had become a habit — and there was Teagan. She looked… Well, she looked like she’d been up all night, and it wasn’t for the same reasons I had been.
I pulled the door open, and she all but fell inside.
“Tea?”
“Please.”
“Food.”
“Never again.”
“You don’t look so good.”
“I don’t feel so good.”
“Did you guys come to any decisions?”
“Nope. I’m about ninety-nine percent sure that we’re going to be okay, though.”
“Oh, Teagan, I’m glad. I know this is hard, but I also
know that you and Jessie are right for each other. You want to tell me all about it? Or do you want me to stay out of it?”
“Okay, I lied. Dingleberry, I have no idea if I want to stay or go. I don’t know if we’re going to be okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. I just need… Hell, I don’t know what I need. I just ended up here. I guess I need to talk.”
She followed me to the kitchen where she plunked herself down in a chair and ran her hands through her hair. “I want to tell you all about it. Then I want you to stay out of it. I want you to tell me if I’m being an idiot and the whole ‘love is blind’ thing, or tell me if I love him enough to make it through the ugly.”
“I’ll tell you what I think, but only you know if you want to stick around or call it done, Teagan.”
“I know. I changed my mind. Can I have something to eat? I spent a couple hours last night — make that early this morning — throwing up everything but my spleen.”
I wanted to cry. For her. For everything. Good things always happened to Teagan; she’s one of those fairytale kind of people that good things just happen to. She isn’t normally the one dealing with stuff like this, and it’s harder on her because of it. My sister Troya sailed through difficult times because she’s had so many challenges in her life, but Teagan gets bogged down.
Not that hard times are easy on anybody, but if you’re a person that has lots of negative stuff happen to you, you kind of grow a thicker skin. Teagan’s skin is not only flawless and like porcelain; it’s also really, really thin.
I forced myself back into the moment. “What sounds good?”
“How about some toast to go with my tea?”
“White, wheat, or raisin?”
“See, Cara, this is why I come to you. You have the whole comfort of home thing down. If you came to my house right now and wanted something, I could offer you tea with no milk, a rather extensive offering of condiments and spices, and I think I have a beer and tootsie rolls in the fridge.”
“Tootsie rolls in the fridge? Won’t that break your teeth?”
“They’re left over from Halloween. Don’t judge me.”
“Oh, I get it. If they’re cold enough to break your teeth, you have to warm them up to eat them so they aren’t such a big temptation.”
“You’d think that, but no. I just wanted to make sure that they didn’t attract ants. If I want one, I just shove it in my mouth and don’t chew on it right away.”
“Okay, what toast?”
“Sorry. Raisin. Extra butter. And, Cara?”
“Hmm?”
“Thanks.”
“Thanks for what? I haven’t even gotten it out yet.”
“Thanks for being there for me. For coming over in the middle of the night. For not jumping to a really negative place. For giving Jessie and me a chance to decide what we want to do before you ever said anything. For being my sister.”
Okay, so I didn’t really cry cry, but I leaked a little.
“Teagan, whatever you decide you want to do, I’m there. Agree or disagree doesn’t matter. This isn’t my decision.”
“So mature. When did that happen?”
“I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I think maybe about the time Barry kicked the crap out of me. Things really changed for me. A lot. When Suzi backed him instead of me, my whole world shifted just a little bit. I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t have to. Tea?”
I put her cup on the table. “Sorry.”
I made Teagan her tea and toast. I even softened the butter and warmed up a little bit of jelly, although I couldn’t imagine why anyone would put jelly on raisin toast.
Don’t tell anyone, not a living soul, because it will get back to Mom and she’d kill us all dead, but my mother was known to put mayonnaise on raisin bread, after she butters it, and then that canned cheese stuff. She wasn’t even pregnant at the time. I couldn’t get that one out of my head.
I sat at the table with Teagan and sipped my tea while she got her thoughts together.
“Okay, so you know that Jessie came over last night. Thanks for waiting and making sure that I was okay.”
“You’re welcome. Dingleberries are known to hang around.”
It made her smile. Things couldn’t be too bad.
“Jessie came in, and I was still a mess. I just couldn’t stop crying, and the more I cried, the worse I felt. Worked myself up into quite a little tizzy, as Mom would say.”
“Good. He should see that. He should know that this is hard for you.”
“I’m not sure anyone should see me like that, but you’re right. I was completely open and honest with him. I told him that if we couldn’t be one hundred percent open and honest, then I didn’t think any of this was going to work.”
I nodded. It was really hard for me not to comment, but I was trying.
“I told him that I didn’t want all the gory details, but I did need to know everything. With focus on the reason he didn’t tell me sooner. I can forgive just about anything, Cara. You know me. But all this time, him not telling me, I’m not sure I can forgive that. Wait. I’m getting all out of order. Let me just tell you what he said, then I’ll tell you how I feel about what he said, and then I’ll tell you what I think and you can do whatever it is you do.”
“Okay.”
“He met a girl named Joy. How ironic is that? Anyway he starts dating her, and they get involved really fast. She swears she’s on the pill. He’s too stupid to take normal precautions, like everybody in the universe should do these days. Every single time. Not much use in using precautions if you don’t use them every time. It’s like winning the lottery. It only takes once. And looking around these days, I’d say it’s a whole lot more common than winning the lottery. Anyway, she comes up pregnant. By that point, the whole relationship had pretty much fizzled out, and I had just contacted him through the stupid computer. He really didn’t expect our relationship to go anywhere; he thought I’d contacted him like an old friend. She was so crazy and wild that he had all but convinced himself that the baby wasn’t his — if there really was a baby. She went off on a tangent late one night and admitted to him she had held onto past boyfriends by claiming she was pregnant when she wasn’t.”
I shook my head. “I thought that kind of stuff was over a long time ago, but I guess not. This story isn’t the first time I’ve heard about this approach.”
“Anyway, he and I start dating. She just kind of disappeared. He saw her once. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but he thought it was months, not weeks, and she didn’t look pregnant at all. When he saw her that time, she came up with this whole long thing about how she had brain cancer and was dying and whatever. He was convinced that she was crazy.”
“Sounds like it.”
“So he and I are moving forward with our relationship. He wasn’t trying to keep crazy girl a secret; he just thought that it was a weird little piece of his past that would come up in conversation some day, but it hadn’t yet. As far as he was concerned, he had dated a crazy girl, she had told him a crazy story, and boom, we’re done.”
“Denial is a wonderful thing.”
“Isn’t it, though? So he and I are to the point that we’re basically living together. We’ve talked about marriage, but we aren’t engaged or anything. Crazy girl comes back around, and now she’s really pregnant. Remember all the craziness with Joe?”
“The bouncer?”
“The cop.”
“Oh, that Joe. Yeah. I was actually paying more attention to not getting killed by a crazy cop than I was about what Jessie was doing.”
“Jessie said all that was going on, and that’s why he didn’t say anything when she showed up again. Besides, the story kept changing. She would say the baby was his, then disappear. Then she’d say it wasn’t his, and she would disappear again. Basically, Jessie decided that at some point, if her visits became any more frequent, he would say something to me, just so that I wouldn’t be caught off guard. But
he was still absolutely sure that the child was not his. He’d used protection most of the time, and she got weirder every time he saw her. He figured that he was dealing with a crazy ex, not a baby mama.”
“Joe-the-cop? Really? That long ago?”
“I know! Not once, in all this time, could he say, ‘By the way, Teagan. Let me tell you a story about a little girl, and oh yeah, she’s my daughter.‘”
“Sorry. I said I’d shut up.”
“Considering it’s you, you’re doing very well.”
“Thank you. I think.”
“So anyway, she disappears again. Time passes. She has the baby, doesn’t contact Jessie at all, but does put his name on the birth certificate. First he hears about it is when the courts come knocking asking why he’s a deadbeat dad. He informs them it’s because he has no children, and they show him the paperwork. They did the paternity test and all that. It came back that he was definitely her dad.”
“Why didn’t he tell you then?”
“Remember that night when we decided we would go on the cruise?”
“Yeah.”
“Remember I was in a really bad mood because Jessie couldn’t come with me, and he was going off with some woman? Not crazy woman but a woman from work.”
“Not really.”
“Well, I made sure that he had me on his mind before we left on that cruise, which was unnecessary because all he could think of was me. Turns out, he had finally screwed up enough courage to tell me, and I go over there and seduce him. He could start the whole drama about his daughter, or he could have a good night — potentially his last — with me. He decided to go for the good night.”
The Tea Series Page 60
