by Susanna Carr
“He needs to know that you’re going to love him even when you’re not going to be with him,” Melissa said.
Katie leaned her head on the window and crossed her arms. “When you put it that way, it makes me feel horrible and selfish for keeping it all to myself.”
“Which you are not,” Melissa said, “because you’re going to tell him the minute you see him.”
“If we find him,” Katie said. The possibility didn’t look good for her. “How much do you want to bet he’s already left town?”
“I don’t know,” Melissa said. “How much money do you want to put on it?”
Hilary hit the brakes again and swung her car next to the curb, her tires rubbing against the cement. She pointed at the door. “Out of the car now, Melissa.”
“No, no.” She pressed her hands together in the universal sign of begging forgiveness. “I’ll be good. I promise.”
“Maybe we should go back to the café and separate,” Katie said. “Three cars in different directions have to be more efficient than all of us in one car. What do you think?”
Hilary leaned back in her seat. “I think you’re saying that so you’re not stuck in a car with Melissa.”
“That’s one reason.” Hilary’s driving was another reason.
“Hey!” Melissa exclaimed. “Don’t pick on me. I’m here to help.”
“But with all of us in one car, I’m afraid we’re going to miss him,” Katie admitted.
“Forget it,” Hilary said. “I’m nixing the idea because you, Katie Kramer, are in no state to drive.”
“But we’ve been at this for hours and Crystal Bend is not that big,” Katie complained. She didn’t want to give up, but she was running out of time and options.
“We need to think like Ryder,” Melissa suggested. “It’s just like in sports. We have to get into the opponent’s—I mean Ryder’s—head. Come on, you know him better than anyone else.”
“I thought I did,” Katie said.
“No negative thoughts, please. They aren’t helpful. Now think,” Melissa ordered as she stared off into the distance. “Where would Ryder go to hide out and lick his wounds?”
“We tried his apartment,” Katie said. When they had found it empty, the icy dread started trickling down her spine. “And I don’t think he’s going to be back there for a while because he knows I can break in.”
“And we can scratch off the pool hall, the ski slopes and his favorite lookout point.” Melissa ticked the list off on her fingers.
“We tried Jake’s place,” Hilary said, “which was a waste of time. And what was Jake doing there with that slut? What happened to Sasha?”
“Hilary, let’s focus on Katie’s love life for a minute, since hers is real and yours is all in your head.”
“Not funny,” Hilary said. “But I’m focusing, I’m focusing . . . and I’ve got nothing.”
“You guys, I give up,” Katie said as she battled the regret and disappointment pressing against her chest. “Can you just take me home?”
“Now is not the time to give up!” Melissa insisted. “You need to push through the pain and—”
“Melissa, this is not a coaching opportunity,” Hilary declared as she turned the car around to head back to Katie’s home.
Hilary dashed through the maze of streets and Katie was relieved that her friends were finally staying silent. She didn’t think she could hold herself together for much longer. She didn’t care as Hilary made one sharp turn after the other.
The car bounced and swayed when it hit the alley behind Katie’s house. The poor road condition didn’t deter Hilary. She sped down the alley, hitting every pothole.
“Well, I’ll be damned.” Hilary slowed down her car and leaned over the steering wheel to peer through the streaked windshield. “What is Ryder doing here?”
Katie stared at Ryder’s truck where it was parked in the carport.
“It doesn’t make any sense,” Melissa said, pressing her nose against the car window.
“Maybe he’s cooled down and wants to talk to Katie in private,” Hilary said.
Hilary’s words sounded almost too good to be true. Katie had been sure she would never see Ryder again. Now he was here, waiting. She couldn’t blow this opportunity.
“Go on, Katie,” Melissa encouraged her, pushing at her shoulder. “Show him the love.”
Katie slowly stepped out of the car, her eyes on Ryder’s truck. Her legs were shaky and not cooperating. She turned back to her friends. “What if he doesn’t believe me or . . . or what if it’s not enough?” She gasped when she revealed her deepest fear.
Melissa and Hilary looked at each other and back at Katie. “Then he’s an idiot,” Hilary said. “And then you’ll know and move on.”
Melissa smacked Hilary hard on the shoulder. “You are the worst at pep talks. What are you trying to do? Scar her for life?”
“That’s it.” Hilary shoved the car into park. “Out of my car. And, Katie . . . ?”
Katie looked at the house and back at Hilary. “Yeah?”
“Whatever you do, this is not the time to hold back.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Ryder stood by the Christmas tree in the Kramers’ living room. He had turned on the lights, and immediately remembered how Katie had stood before the Christmas tree, blindfolded, almost naked and waiting for his touch.
He closed his eyes, trying to shove the image aside, but it was too late. The memory twisted at him, and not because she had been incredibly sexy, or that she had demonstrated a level of trust no one had given to him before. It was because he screwed up.
Rather than take what she was offering, he had walked out on her. He wasn’t proud of that moment, even though he did it for Katie’s good. He thought he had been strong, making that decision and walking away, but it had been a cowardly move.
Ryder didn’t want to make that same mistake again. He was going to wait for Katie to come home and talk to her. He needed to see her one last time before he left.
He’d been sorely tempted to just throw his suitcases in the truck and leave town. But he couldn’t do that to Katie, even though she’d hurt him badly. They needed to at least have one last discussion. He needed to know why she had made the stupid resolution, and why she had chosen him. He didn’t think he was going to like the answer.
Ryder bunched his hands into fists as he fought the urge to leave. He needed to calm down or he was going to make a mess of things again. In an attempt to steady his nerves, Ryder reached out and touched one of the Christmas tree ornaments he’d given Katie years ago. It was faded and chipped, but well loved. Kind of like him. He was rough around the edges but Katie showered him with affection.
But Katie was generous with herself and her affection to a lot of people. Ryder had forgotten that. Over the years he thought he was important to Katie, but that New Year’s resolution knocked him back into reality. She saw him just like every other woman in Crystal Bend did: someone to guide her through the wild side of sex.
A part of him wished he had never known Katie’s true motivations. He would have liked to think that a good girl would break all the rules because she loved and desired him so much she didn’t care what others thought. But it was probably for the best that he found out the truth. He would have always wondered if he had walked away from the best woman in his life.
He heard the back door open. Ryder tensed and for a moment he wanted to make a run for it. He didn’t want to face the drama, or worse, the disappointment in Katie’s eyes. But she deserved better, and that was the only thing that kept him still.
“Ryder?” Katie called out and waited for a response that didn’t come. She thought she knew Ryder, that she was an expert on him, but today she couldn’t even guess his mood or his next move. She was shocked to see his truck outside when she had convinced herself he must be halfway to Dubai by now.
She hurried through the kitchen and dining room and came to a halt when she saw Ryder standing by the tree,
holding on to one of the ornaments he had given her. A mix of relief and anticipation swirled in Katie’s chest as he turned to face her.
She wanted to run to him and throw herself in his arms, asking for forgiveness before declaring her love. And if she had been the confident, sensual and powerful woman of her dreams, she’d have done it without a second thought.
But she wasn’t anywhere close to being that kind of woman. The sexy clothes weren’t going to help her find the confidence to speak from the heart. Her crazy antics wouldn’t get her any closer to Ryder.
She felt shaky, her mouth dry, her heart going a mile a minute. As she walked into the room, she knew she had reached the moment of truth. She could only hope that she was woman enough to see it through.
“There you are,” she said softly as her blood pumped wildly in her veins. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I didn’t expect to find you here.”
“Why’s that?” he asked as he stroked the ornament with his fingertips.
“Because I live here. And you’re mad at me!” She thought it was obvious. Katie took another step into the room. “I want to explain about the New Year’s resolution. Just hear me out.”
He let go of the ornament and crossed his arms. The closed expression on his face wasn’t encouraging, but she wasn’t going to back down. She needed Ryder to know how important he was to her.
“I made you my New Year’s resolution this year and the year before that.” She paused before adding sheepishly, “And the year before that.”
His expression didn’t change.
“In case you haven’t figured out what the rest of the town knows, I have always liked you. A lot,” she confessed and felt a wave of shyness. Katie looked down at her feet. “It started out as a crush. Maybe an infatuation.”
“I know.”
Okay, his indifferent tone wasn’t making it any easier. She licked her dry lips and forced herself to continue. “But I never went after you because I kept waiting for you to come to your senses. I wanted you to come after me.” She glanced up at him, wondering what he thought.
“Are you finished?”
She frowned and gritted her teeth. Couldn’t he tell how difficult this was for her? “No, I’m not finished.” She took another step closer to him.“When you made it clear that you weren’t going to touch me, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands. I knew you wanted me and I was determined that we would have a chance together.”
He looked at the tree as if the ornaments were more interesting than what she had to say. “You went through all this for an affair?”
“I was kind of aiming low on my resolution,” she said, catching her bottom lip with her teeth.
A dark stillness seemed to invade Ryder. He swung his head and pinned her to the spot with his gaze. The hurt shimmered in his eyes. “Is that right?”
She belatedly realized how he had interpreted that confession. “Not with you. I wasn’t aiming low by going after you. Oh, my God. How can you think that?”
“Because you are such an innocent good girl and most of the women I know see me as just a walk on the wild side before they find someone better. Why would you want me for anything more than an affair?”
“I was aiming low in my resolution to only have an affair with you. I want a lot more. Too much, maybe.” She felt the tears sting in her eyes. “Because the truth is that I love you.”
“What?” He took a lightning-quick step away from her.
She had hoped for a better reaction. She wasn’t expecting an “I love you, too.” That was reaching for the stars, but Ryder’s response was not doing a lot for her confidence. “Come on, Ryder. How can you not see this? I have always loved you.”
He held up both hands, as if to stop her from saying it. “No, you don’t.”
Now she was getting angry. Katie crossed her arms and glared at him. “Who are you to say that?”
“You think you love me because we slept together and—”
“You may think that I’m innocent and naïve”—which was something she planned to disabuse him of at her earliest convenience—“but I know the difference between sexual satisfaction and love.”
“You can’t be in love,” he said angrily. He started to pace, rubbing his hand hard along the back of his neck.
“Why can’t I?” She didn’t understand why her words caused him such agitation. “Because you don’t love me back?”
“I didn’t say that.”
That answer gave her a flash of hope. But he didn’t say he loved her, either. “Because it’s inconvenient for you?”
“No!” He kept pacing.
“Then why?” she asked as she watched him pace back and forth. “Why can’t I love you?”
He stopped in the middle of the room. “Because I’m not lovable!”
She stared at him. Of all the things she had expected him to say, that was not it. He hunched his shoulders and looked down. She had never seen Ryder look so vulnerable. Lost and alone.
“That’s not true.” Her voice was almost a whisper. She wanted to reach out and hold him, but he would not accept that. He would think it was out of sympathy or pity. “You know it’s not true. I love you.”
“Stop saying that!” Ryder closed his eyes and held up his hands, which trembled as he held back the turbulent, painful emotions. “Stop saying that. You think you love me, but just wait. It won’t take long for me to ruin that. In a couple of months you’ll wonder what the hell you were thinking.”
“I’m not the only one who loves you. Jake would take a bullet for you. When we were fighting this morning, Jake was angry at me for going after you, remember? He was protecting you.”
Ryder looked away. “That was wrong of him. He’s your brother and he should look after you.”
“He’s your best friend and he’s loyal to you. And don’t forget my parents,” she added. “They adore you. I swear, you can do no wrong in their eyes.”
“Which would change the instant they found out about us.” He shook his head as he considered what he thought he’d lost. “It’s a good thing I’m leaving before I see their disappointment.”
“They’re not happy that you’re leaving,” she insisted. “And my mom thinks it’s about time I go after you.”
“She does?” Ryder looked stunned. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again. Finally he asked, “And your dad?”
“He knows how I feel about you, and I think he approves,” she said truthfully. “Otherwise he would have said something.”
Ryder leaned against the fireplace. “I don’t get it.”
Katie felt like she finally did. He thought the love the Kramer family showed him was conditional. After being abandoned by his only parent, maybe Ryder thought he would get it right the second time around. He did his best to never make a wrong move with the Kramers. He displayed a fierce loyalty, protected his adopted family with a vengeance, and was there whenever they needed him.
It must have been torture once he started to desire her, Katie realized. And then worse when she reinvented herself and threw herself at him time and time again. She didn’t want to think about how much he had struggled as she kept testing his restraint.
Ryder must have been torn between the affection her family had already demonstrated and the possibility of something more with her. He really took a risk in choosing her with no guarantee that it would work out. Katie was humbled by the knowledge.
“I didn’t fall in love with you because of what you do for me and my family,” Katie wanted him to know. “Love is not something that is earned. I fell for the man you’ve become.”
“I didn’t earn it?” he asked and she saw the fear in his eyes. She hadn’t meant to tap into one of his deepest fears. He had no control over the love he received. If it was given to him without him doing anything, it could just as easily be taken away.
She slowly walked to Ryder, not wanting to crowd him. She stopped right in front of him and she took it as a good
sign that he didn’t step away. “Just accept that I love you.”
“You’re taking a big chance on me.”
“You’re worth it.” She stood on her toes and brushed her mouth against his. She felt the tension coming off him, shimmering in the air.
He reached up and stroked her hair. She felt his hand trembling and continued to kiss him gently. He was nervous. He wasn’t sure if he could trust her love.
And maybe he had good reason. She had gone after him because of a New Year’s resolution. The main goal was sex, not love. Now she was going to have to try to demonstrate her feelings without sex.
