by Mary May
Charlotte laughed at his lost expression. “I was really kidding, but it’s a device that you stick in your ears that plays music.”
He nodded as the girls on the bed squealed in laughter. He could definitely see the appeal in such a thing. The crunch of gravel outside had everyone looking out of the window to see who had arrived. Devon’s truck was sitting in the driveway after the dust had cleared. Charlie jumped up from the bed.
“Devon’s home!” she said with a happy smile. Lakyn followed her downstairs as Devon came through the front door, being greeted by a very happy Sabrina.
“Whoa… Is that your step-dad? He is hot!” Lakyn whispered. Charlie looked at her friend like she had lost her mind.
“Ok, that was just weird and you can never say it again. He isn’t hot; he is just…Devon. I’m sure my mom thinks he is…and…yeah… That was weird, too… Can we change the subject, please?”
Lakyn laughed, but nodded her head. Charlie bounced down the rest of the stairs and beat the twins to their dad by a few steps. He swung her up into his arms, squeezing her tight.
“Hey, Charlie girl! You are getting big! Pretty soon you’re going to be as tall as your mama!” Charlie laughed as he put her down; then he noticed Lakyn.
“Who’s your friend?” Charlie turned and introduced Devon to her best friend, which seemed odd, being they had been friends for so long, but most of the time Devon was gone when Lakyn came over. Devon flashed his dimpled smile at the girl that had her turning three different shades of red. Suddenly the ever-talkative Lakyn couldn’t even say hello. Charlie frowned at her friend’s sudden loss of vocabulary and, shaking her head, she looked back to Devon.
“How long will you be home, Devon?”
He turned and set the boys on the floor, noticing not the first time that Charlie had stopped calling him daddy and was calling him Devon again. He wasn’t sure what had caused the change, but it was something he wanted to address while he was home.
“I’m hoping for the rest of the summer, but you know I can’t promise that.” Something flickered in Charlie’s eyes that bothered him, and even worse that same something flickered in Sabrina’s eyes. The rest of the evening passed with Devon playing with DJ and Luke, who had decided that he made a fine pony, and Lakyn blushing every time he glanced her.
“What is wrong with you?” Charlie whispered furiously after watching her friend’s face once more turn a brilliant shade of pink.
Lakyn fanned her face as she hid it behind a couch pillow. “I can’t help it! He has dimples and…and those blue eyes…and my gosh he is tall!” she whispered back.
Charlie rolled her eyes. “Well try! He is going to think something is seriously wrong with you!”
After Lakyn’s dad had picked her up, Charlie was headed up to bed when she overheard her mom teasing Devon about Lakyn.
“You know, you need to dial back that smile around young girls; they haven’t had a chance to develop a defense against it yet.”
“What are you talking about, woman?” Charlie didn’t have to be able see Devon to imagine his confused look.
“Charlie’s friend Lakyn; I think she may have a crush.”
“They aren’t old enough to have crushes,” he pointed out.
“Did we not have this very conversation about Charlie and Nate not too long ago?” Now it was Charlie’s turn to blush. They thought she had a crush on Nate? Did she?
“That’s different; Nate is close to their age. I must seem ancient,” Devon reasoned.
Sabrina laughed. “Sweetheart, I don’t think ancient is the term that young lady would use to describe you, judging from the way she blushed every time you looked her way.”
“Is Lakyn older than Charlie? Maybe helping her study or something?” Devon asked.
“No, actually, I believe Charlie is a few months older than her. Why?” Devon sat down hard on the couch and looked at Sabrina.
“Because what you’re telling me is that our Charlie…our little Charlie…is old enough to start noticing men, not boys…but grown men.” Devon leaned over and put his head in his hands and sent up a short prayer. “God help me.”
Charlie tiptoed up to her room and shut her door. Lakyn’s crazy behavior tonight and her mom’s comment about her having a crush on Nate had her wanting to lock the door and never come out.
Later that night Devon and Sabrina were out on the porch. Everyone was in bed and the house was quiet. They sat cuddled up in the large swing, enjoying the balmy night. Sabrina had seemed happy that he was home, but he wondered if something was on her mind. She seemed a little withdrawn. Lifting her hand he brushed a soft kiss across her knuckles.
“Is everything alright, darlin’? You seem a million miles away tonight.”
Sabrina smiled then shook her head. “Do I? I’m sorry. I guess I’m already dreading you leaving again. In the back of my mind I know it’s coming. I should be used to it by now, you would think, huh?”
Devon pulled her in a little bit closer, keeping his arms wrapped around her as he rocked the swing gently with his foot. He loved it out here. It was his piece of heaven on earth. When he was home, peace flooded his soul and he felt complete, but within a few days or week or two the phone call would come that took him away. He knew Sabrina hated his being gone, but she never complained. Sometimes he wished she would.
“Have you noticed that Charlie doesn’t call me daddy any more?” he asked.
“I did.”
“Do you know why?”
“I could probably guess at the reason, but for the true answer I would suggest you talk to Charlie about it,” Sabrina answered softly.
Not wanting to go into that conversation unprepared, he asked her what she thought the problem might be. Sabrina sighed deeply then sat up in the swing and faced her husband.
“Are you sure you want to ask me that question? You may not like the answer.”
“If I didn’t want to know, I wouldn’t have asked.”
She studied his face for a moment then nodded her head. “Ok, but understand this is only my opinion. I could be completely wrong.”
“I understand.”
“I think when we first got married you were here…every day and every night. You would take her to school, pick her up, help her with homework, and tuck her into bed each night. You taught her how to ride and how to take care of Dandy and Stormy. You would clean up her scraped knees and hold her when she had nightmares. You took on the role of her daddy and you fulfilled each need.”
“But now?” he prompted.
Sabrina looked at him sadly. “But now you are never home, Devon. I understand your need to help support the family. I get it…I do, but the kids? Not so much. Especially Charlie. She knows that we don’t need the money, so to her you stay away because that’s what you want to do and honestly sometimes…” Sabrina stopped and looked away. Devon reached out and took her chin, turning her back to him.
“Sometimes what, Sabrina?”
“Sometimes I feel that way, too. When you took this job, I thought it was such a blessing. It gave you the fulfillment that you needed without putting you in danger, but it was supposed to be the occasional case. Devon, you are gone more than you are home. I can show you the calendar. When will it slow down?”
“I don’t need you to show me a calendar. I know how much I’m gone because I miss you every second I’m away. I know this has become more frequent than it was supposed to be, Sabrina, but it’s hard for me to say no when they ask for my help.”
Sabrina got to her feet and stood looking down at him. “Tell me, Devon, is it better to save the world and lose your own family? I’m your wife and you have two boys and a daughter who need you as well. Why is it easier to tell us no?”
Devon stood up and took her by the shoulders. “Darlin’, you know better than that! That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Isn’t it? Every time you tell them yes, you tell us no, Devon. Like it or not, that’s truly how it is. Come with me.” She too
k his hand and led him inside the house and up the stairs to the boys’ bedroom. Quietly she opened the door and they walked over to the bed where the twins were snuggled together sleeping.
“Look how big they are getting. You have been gone for most of their lives.”
When Devon opened his mouth to protest, Sabrina silenced him with a look. “A visit for a few days here and there really doesn’t count, Devon. The longest stretch that you have been home with them at once was three weeks. Three weeks out of four years. Let that sink in.” They left the boys’ room and walked down the hall to Charlie’s room. She was sprawled across her bed in purple sleeping shorts and a yellow t-shirt. Long strawberry blonde curls were tied up in a ponytail on top of her head.
“Do you realize that she will be thirteen in September? A teenager? Look at her, Devon! She is as big as I am and I bet by summer’s end she will be taller. Charlie isn’t a little girl any more, and the time when she needs a father isn’t in the past – it’s now. If you want her to call you daddy, then be a daddy to her; earn the right to be called that again.” Sabrina looked up to see tears glistening in his eyes as he looked at Charlie and actually saw her for what she was, not the image that was burned into his mind.
“I’m sorry…I didn’t realize…I didn’t know…can I have a minute alone with her, please?” Sabrina nodded then stepped out of the room.
Devon prayed for forgiveness for allowing his stupid pride to take him away from his family like this. Then he sat down on Charlie’s bed, wiped his eyes and gently shook her awake.
“Charlie girl…wake up, sweetheart.” Charlie mumbled and rolled over, blinking her eyes as she tried to focus.
“Devon? Is something wrong? Are mom and the boys ok?” Charlie sat up, looking at her clock that read 12:34 A.M.
“Everyone is fine. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”
She yawned and nodded. “Ok, what is it?”
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry for being gone so much and for not being here like I needed to be. I love you, Charlie; I don’t even remember the last time I told you that. I love you like you were my own; please understand that.” Charlie looked at him with concern growing in her eyes at his statement.
“I love you too, Devon. Seriously, is everything all right? Where is mom?” Devon smiled at her, realizing where her thoughts were headed.
“She is downstairs, I think. Darlin’, everything is fine with your mom and me. She just helped me to realize what a class A idiot I’ve been for staying away so much and not being the daddy to you and to the boys that I should be. I’m truly sorry, Charlie, and I ask that you forgive me. I will be here from now on. I’m quitting my job.” He told her, surprising himself as much as her. He didn’t even know he had made that decision until he said it. But once it was out, it felt right. Watching Charlie’s smile nearly light up the room, he knew it was the right choice.
“Really? You’re really going to quit and be home with us all the time?”
Devon nodded. “Yes, ma’am, I haven’t even told your mama yet, so don’t go letting my cat out of the bag just yet, ok? Let it be our secret for right now.”
Charlie hugged him tightly then whispered. “I’ll keep your cat in the bag until morning, but then he is coming out!”
“That’s sounds good, Charlie girl, real good, but tell me something. If I’m here like I need to be and start to be the dad that I promised you I would be when I married your mom, do you think you could start calling me daddy again?”
Charlie looked at Devon in confusion, followed swiftly by comprehension when she realized that what he said was true. “I’m sorry… I didn’t realize that I had stopped calling you daddy. I didn’t do it on purpose. I would never hurt you like that; I promise.”
Devon shook his head and reached out to rub her shoulder. “No, don’t apologize, Charlie. No one made you start calling me by that name. You did it on your own because that’s the way you felt about me, and the same applies when you stopped. When I stopped being your dad, you stopped calling me that. I know you didn’t set out to do it. It was something you did subconsciously. It’s different with you than it is with the twins. I’m their daddy by birth, but with you I need to earn the right for you to address me as daddy. I promise you, Charlie, I will earn it again.”
She smiled through her tears as she looked at the only daddy she had ever known. Devon Lane might not be perfect, but sitting there on the side of her bed in the middle of the night with his heart in his eyes begging her forgiveness, she thought he might be pretty close!
“You just did… daddy!”
Gideon leaned against the wall and listened as Devon made a start to heal the heart that he didn’t even know he had wounded. Charlie curled back up and was asleep within minutes after Devon had left. Gideon knew that Charlie missed Devon more than she let on. She tried to be a big girl about it and help Sabrina with the twins, but she missed him. Having Edgar around helped, but after he passed on she was lost without any father figure to really go to. He didn’t think Devon was a bad guy…any more. He may not know how to be a good father or a good husband, for that matter, but he truly did love his family. Gideon thought that maybe this time he knew what he needed to do to be both.
True to his word, Devon resigned from his job the very next morning, earning himself a round of hugs from his children and a nice long kiss from his wife. Walking out to the barn, he saw that Seth had done a fair job of keeping things up, but it needed some repairs. Turning around, he looked back at the cabin and saw that it, too, needed his attention. How had he not noticed these things when he was home?
“The same way you didn’t notice Charlie growing up or your own sons. Because you’re a fool, Devon Lane,” he admonished himself. God had given him everything he had ever wanted and look what he had done with it! He opened the barn door; the dim interior smelled of hay and sweet feed and horses. The horses were all out in the pastures, so the barn was empty except for old Rhett, who climbed slowly to his feet and snuffed his way over to Devon’s feet. The dog had to be fourteen years old if he was a day. Devon wasn’t sure just how long old bloodhounds lived, but he felt sure that Rhett had to be reaching the limits.
“Hey, buddy, how ya doing?” The dog slobbered all over his hand before lying back down with a grunt at his feet. Devon sat down on a bale of hay and closed his eyes.
“Lord, forgive me. Forgive this foolish man of his foolish pride. I see now that my job is to be right here, to be a husband to Sabrina and a daddy to my kids. I got so wrapped up in what the world would think of me not working that I didn’t stop to think about what You wanted me to do. I give it all to You, Father. If staying here and raising this family is what I am supposed to do, then that’s what I’ll do. I lay everything that I am down at Your feet, Lord. I ask that You take me as I am and change me, as You will. Make me into someone that You can use. Help me to be the husband that You would have me be and the dad that I need to be, because left on my own I nearly ruined it all.”
After a few more minutes he got up and left the barn, going back into the house. He went upstairs and grabbed his black leather gear bag then called out for Sabrina and the kids. When they had all gathered around him in the back yard, he threw the bag on the ground and doused it with lighter fluid.
Sabrina gasped. “Devon, what are you doing?” He handed her a box of matches.
“Darlin’, I will let you do the honors because I know that bag represents too many nights alone and too many years of raising this family on your own. Sabrina, it’s over. My job first and foremost is to be right here with you and our kids. I don’t know what the future may hold, but I will be right here with you when it comes -- that much I promise you.”
“Devon, are you sure? Because I’m telling you nothing would give me greater pleasure than to see that bag burning like the fires of hell right now.”
He backed the kids up a few feet; then he gave Sabrina a smile and a nod. “Let her burn, baby!”
Sabrina st
ruck a match and tossed it on the bag, which flamed up red-hot, crackling as the fire consumed it. Suddenly Sabrina started laughing and dancing around the fire. Charlie joined her and they joined hands, circling the burning bag until it burned completely away.
“You know I really, really hated that bag,” Sabrina confessed later that night, as they lay snuggled up in bed. Devon chuckled as he recalled the way she had danced in celebration as it had burned.
“Did you now? I never would have guessed that,” he drawled in a low whisper, earning himself a hard slap on his shoulder.
“So what are you going to do now?” she asked.
“I don’t know, and for once I’m ok with that. I put it in the Lord’s hands.”
“I thought for sure your last job was His answer to my prayers, but after a while I started to doubt that,” Sabrina whispered.
“It was His answer, honey. I messed that up, not God. I was the one who wouldn’t keep it in check. As hard as it is for me to admit that, it’s the truth.”
“Why not, Devon? Why couldn’t you keep it in check? Why was it so hard to stay here with us? Don’t we make you happy?” He rolled her over so she could see his face.
“Don’t you for one second think that this had anything to do with you or the kids not making me happy, Sabrina. I mean it; I know it didn’t look like it from your point of view, but coming home to my family kept me sane. I could tell you a lot of crap about making the world a safer place or protecting someone else’s sister, and that’s partly the truth. But the main reason I loved doing what I did was the ego trip I got from it. All the slaps on the back that I brought in someone that no one else could. Pride is a dangerous thing. It can propel you to do better, but it can turn on you like a rabid dog and tear you apart when you let it take control, and that’s what happened. Sabrina, I let pride take control. When I was an actual agent, I didn’t think about it too much. I just did what I did and I didn’t think about the numbers. But after I became director and had access to the numbers and saw that I was better…a lot better than the other agents out there, I became obsessed with making sure I stayed on top.” He stopped and rolled over to his back, looking up at the ceiling. Sabrina could plainly see the shame and the regret on his face.
