‘I’m glad too,’ Gabriel smiled at her shyly. He was glad, very glad. That Marianne had come into his life. That she was here now. He still didn’t know quite where this was leading, but he was enjoying the newness, the uncertainty, and the sheer joy of getting to know someone as uncomplicated as Marianne appeared to be. Yes, after Eve, she was definitely a breath of fresh air.
Marianne was enjoying herself too. After her initial anxiety that Gabriel might not want her here, he had put her so much at her ease, she was relaxing into their normal cosy friendship again. She had never been this relaxed with Luke. Never. The whole time she’d been with him, Marianne realised with a jolt, she’d been on tenterhooks in case she said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, or generally didn’t live up to expectations. That was no way to live your life.
‘Penny for ’em?’ Gabriel’s voice intruded into her thoughts.
‘Just thinking about Luke, and realising I had a lucky escape,’ said Marianne. ‘Oh dear, does that mean I’m no longer a member of the Lonely Hearts Club?’
‘You can be an honorary member,’said Gabriel.‘So what’s changed your mind about Luke?’
‘It’s taken me a while,’ said Marianne, ‘but it’s recently dawned on me that I was never ever going to fit in in his world. I can’t believe I was so stupid as to think I could.’
‘Yes, well, we all make mistakes,’ said Gabriel. He looked incredibly sad when he said this, and Marianne noticed the quick glance towards the photo on the mantelpiece.
‘Is that your wife?’ she asked. She was treading carefully, but this seemed the moment for confidences somehow.
Gabriel walked slowly to the fireplace and picked up the picture.
‘That’s me, Eve and Stephen when Stephen was first born,’ he said.
Marianne looked at the smiling couple, a small baby between them. It was hard to imagine that things could have gone so wrong.
‘You look really happy there,’ said Marianne. ‘She’s very beautiful.’
‘Eve was high as a kite on diazepam when that picture was taken,’ said Gabriel. ‘And two weeks later she was in hospital, having taken an overdose.’
‘What on earth happened?’ Marianne asked, shocked. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. You don’t have to say if you don’t want to.’
‘No, it’s probably good for me to talk,’ said Gabriel. He rubbed his stubble with his hands and put the picture back on the shelf. ‘She was—is—lovely, Eve. But she’s fragile. Very fragile. Her home life wasn’t exactly stable and I knew she was prone to getting a bit down about things before I married her. I thought I could help her, you see.’
‘And you couldn’t?’ Marianne prompted.
‘It’s like dealing with an alcoholic. You can’t solve their problems, only they can do that.’ Gabriel sighed, and looked as if he was in some very far-off, dark place. ‘It was different when we met, of course. I was in London, earning good money in marketing. Eve was a secretary in the same company, and we just seemed to hit it off. She was so lively and vivacious and fun. It never dawned on me that anything was wrong.’
‘What changed?’ prompted Marianne.
‘It was a while after we married when I realised she had a problem sticking at anything. I’d stayed with the same firm for five years during which time Eve had had six jobs. Then it was her mood swings. One minute she’d be on top of the world and then she’d be down in the dumps. I thought it was my fault, of course. I did everything I could to make her happy, but eventually she came clean and told me how bad her depression actually was. So we went to the doctor and she got some happy pills and she seemed all right for a while…’
‘And then?’
‘And then we had Stephen. I discovered afterwards that an event like that can trigger a psychotic episode in someone like Eve, but I didn’t know that at the time. Eve seemed morbidly depressed that something would go wrong with the baby and was crying all the time. I couldn’t leave her alone with him for a minute as I didn’t know what she would do. One day I came into the room and she was holding a pillow over his face. She kept crying and saying it was all for the best, this world was too cruel, that it would have been better if he hadn’t been born. I took her back to the doctor, got her on stronger medication, and then a week later she tricked me into taking Stephen for a walk. When I got back I found her unconscious next to a suicide note.’
‘That’s terrible, oh, Gabriel, I’m so sorry,’ said Marianne.
‘It was,’ said Gabriel. ‘Eve was in hospital for months after that. Without my parents, who came down to stay with me, I don’t know what I’d have done. Eventually she came home, and over time things got better. After a while I thought about coming back here. Mum and Dad were finding the farm too much and Eve had always raved about how wonderful it was up here. I thought she’d like it. I went back to agricultural college, sold our house and we moved back.’
‘And did she like it?’
Gabriel sighed.
‘At first Eve seemed better here, but she never settled to being a proper mother to Stephen. And I couldn’t trust her with him…’
Marianne could see Gabriel was close to tears. Instinctively, she moved towards him and held his hand. He closed his own around hers and continued, ‘We staggered along like that for years. Never going out because Eve didn’t like difficult social situations. Never having people round because Eve couldn’t cope. I was constantly on edge in case she did something dangerous, either to herself or Stephen. Of late, I had thought she was getting better. But last winter, she lost the little job she’d had in the village shop and suddenly she hit a downward spiral. I was on the verge of suggesting she go back to the doctor when she walked out.’
‘Where is she now?’ Marianne asked.
‘I have no idea,’ said Gabriel. ‘She was with her mother at Easter, but she wouldn’t talk to me then.’
‘What a terrible story,’ said Marianne. ‘So sad for all of you.’
‘Worse for Stephen than me,’ said Gabriel. ‘At least I can understand Eve’s ill, even if I hate it, but Stephen still doesn’t get why his mother is so different from other mums. For a long time he didn’t want to go to school because he was being picked on. In a way, it’s been better for him since she left.’
‘At least he’s got you and Pippa,’ said Marianne. ‘That will stand him in good stead.’
‘Do you think?’ said Gabriel. ‘I have to be both mother and father to him. And sometimes it’s really hard.’
Marianne squeezed his hand tightly.
‘Well, I think you’re doing a fantastic job. He’s lucky to have you.’ She smiled at Gabriel, and suddenly he gave her the most dazzling smile back.
‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I can’t tell you how much it’s helping having you in my life.’
Marianne’s heart did a sudden lurch. Did he—was it possible that he could—feel the same way as she did?
For a moment they sat looking at each other as if someone had pressed the pause button, then Gabriel moved as if to…
‘Daddy!’ A small voice was shouting from the top of the stairs. Oh my God. Marianne had forgotten for a moment about Stephen.
‘I’d better go,’ said Gabriel. Was it her imagination, or was he tearing himself away reluctantly?
‘Me too,’ said Marianne in some confusion. ‘I’ll let myself out.’
‘Thanks for the chat,’ said Gabriel. ‘It really helped.’
He bounded up the stairs shouting to Stephen, ‘What is it, you little rascal? You were supposed to be asleep hours ago.’ Halfway up he paused, turned those deep brown eyes on her, and said, ‘Call me.’
‘Okay,’ said Marianne as casually as she could muster but, as she walked down the garden path, her heart was singing.
Noel let himself into a house that seemed worryingly quiet. Since Magda had gone the noise levels had halved, it was true. (When she had been there, if she wasn’t on the phone arguing with Sergei in excited Russian, she was playing her 1980s thrash
metal music way too loud.) But he was still used to so much noise all the time the silence was slightly unnerving. The lights were all turned off so he switched on the hall light and poked his head in the lounge. No sign of Cat there. Nor in the family room. As he left it, he heard the familiar sound of books sliding off the shelf. That damned bookshelf. It seemed to sum up his life somehow. In his fantasy farmhouse the shelves were always intact, and everything he made fitted perfectly. How he wished he was there and not in this draughty London house with its poky little garden: it was a financial millstone around his neck.
Cat wasn’t in the kitchen either. Noel went to the fridge and got out a can of lager. He looked around to see if Cat had left him something to eat. He’d planned to eat on the train, but the buffet car had been shut, and, while he would have liked to have had a beer, he and Matt had instead been trying to thrash out a solution to their mud problem, without much luck. If he thought there was any chance of getting a job somewhere, anywhere, else, Noel would hand in his notice tomorrow, before he finally got pushed.
Cat must be working. He went upstairs, pausing to look at the little ones, who were fast asleep. A light swiftly went off in James’ room as Noel entered. He ruffled his son’s hair and said, ‘I saw you, you monkey. Sleep. Now.’
‘Night, night, Daddy,’ said James, looking sleepy. Hard to remember he was a nine-year-old, testosterone-filled boy during the day. James always looked angelic at bedtime.
Mel was definitely still awake, lying in bed listening to her iPod and immersed in a Darren Shan book.
‘Sleep,’ said Noel, ‘otherwise you’ll never get up in the morning. Where’s your mother?’
‘On the computer,’said Mel.‘She’s been there all evening.’
‘Right,’ said Noel. ‘I’d better go and chase her off then.’
He climbed up the stairs to the top of the house. Cat was crouched in the dark over a computer screen—the only light in the room coming from that and her desklamp.
‘Oh, hello,’ she said. ‘I didn’t hear you come in. I was just finishing this off.’
Cat barely looked at him when she said this, she was so deep in concentration. Sometimes he felt like she hardly noticed him.
‘Right, I’ll just go downstairs and get myself something to eat then,’ said Noel.
Cat looked up, frowning.
‘Haven’t you eaten?’ she said. ‘I thought you were going to eat on the train.’
‘I was,’ said Noel, ‘but the buffet car on the train was shut. What have you had?’
‘I only fancied beans on toast,’ said Cat.
No wonder Cat was so skinny, she ate like a bird these days.
‘Oh, right,’ said Noel. ‘I’ll just sort myself out something then.’
‘I won’t be long,’ said Cat.
Noel went downstairs with a heavy heart. He’d been planning to tell Cat about his work situation tonight but she seemed so distracted, and he felt so shattered, now probably wasn’t the best moment.
And when Cat did eventually come downstairs, she sat next to him for all of ten minutes on the sofa, before declaring herself too tired to stay up a moment longer and going to bed.
Noel cracked open another can of lager, and switched to ITV3 where an old Sly Stallone film was showing. When Noel was young, he’d imagined that hitting middle age would be a point in his life when he had all the answers. So how was it he was sitting here alone, worrying about the future and feeling more uncertain about life than ever?
Chapter Nineteen
Call me.
Marianne was on one of her periodic yomps through the hills. Now that spring was here she was enjoying these walks more than ever. The sight of lambs gambolling in the fresh green fields couldn’t help but lighten the spirits and the blustery breezes when, after a determined scramble, she’d finally reached the top of the hill, made her feel gloriously, wonderfully alive. She looked back down the valley towards Hope Christmas. The houses looked like miniature dolls’ houses nestling in the hills, which brimmed with purple and pink heathers. It was so beautiful. She was so happy here now, but perhaps she could be even happier.
Marianne knew she hadn’t mistaken the look in Gabriel’s eyes the other night. She knew that she hadn’t imagined it, that he was feeling the way she was feeling. But, and it was a big but, should she, could she, take things further? Marianne would have liked to have been bold enough to proposition a man like Lisa and Carly would—their ability to pick up men never failed to astonish her. They had frequently admonished her in the past to live like a twenty-first-century woman, not like a nineteenth-century heroine, waiting ‘like a lapdog’, as Carly always put it, for some handsome swain to turn up. But Marianne couldn’t help it. She liked the sensation of being courted. She wanted the romance of it. It wasn’t her fault that nineteenth-century fictional heroes always seemed so much better than the real thing. No wonder she’d been such a soft touch for Luke. What a sap.
But now, here was Gabriel putting her off her stride, asking her to take the initiative. There was certainly a bit—what was she talking about, a lot—of her wanting to do so, but she was conscious that he wasn’t free and that the situation with Stephen was delicate to say the least. She wasn’t entirely sure that she wanted the responsibility of children just yet. Particularly that of a child with so many issues. As a teacher, Marianne had seen enough of the stresses caused by family break-up to know that taking on Stephen was not something she should do lightly. But all that aside, maybe she didn’t have the courage to take that first step anyway. And then again, suppose she was wrong and he was only after friendship? She’d feel a total fool if that were the case.
‘You won’t know if you don’t try,’ she declared loudly, as she came over a ridge of the hill and started her descent into the next valley.
‘That you won’t.’ Ralph Nicholas, who was coming up over the other side of the hill with his dog. For someone apparently so old, he was remarkably not out of breath. ‘Which is precisely what I think about stopping that monstrosity my grandson seems intent on inflicting on us.’
He waved his hand behind him and Marianne saw for the very first time what her erstwhile fiancé had been up to over the last few months. She didn’t normally walk out this way. The excavation work for the eco town was clearly under way. It was a scene of utter devastation. The ground was all churned up, trees had been torn down, and it looked like something from The Lord of the Rings.
‘I had no idea it would be so destructive,’ said Marianne. ‘I thought eco towns were all about preservation, not destruction.’
‘My thoughts exactly,’ said Ralph.
‘You know the Post Office Committee was planning to talk to Luke about encouraging prospective buyers of eco town property to support us, don’t you?’ Marianne said.
‘Sadly, I fear, they’ll be wasting their time,’ said Ralph. ‘Luke hasn’t a sentimental bone in his body. He must take after his father.’
‘They neither of them take after you, that’s for sure,’ said Marianne.
‘Ah, well, that’s because I adopted Luke’s father,’ said Ralph. ‘I live in hope that it will turn out well in the end.’
‘It may yet,’ said Marianne. ‘You never know. Luke might realise the error of his ways.’
‘He might,’ said Ralph, ‘but I doubt it.’ He whistled to his dog, who came bounding up covered in mud. ‘I think you may find a friend of yours in the valley. There are an awful lot of sheep to keep track of on the hills this time of year, don’t you know?’
He walked off whistling to himself with what Marianne could only describe as a twinkle in his eye. How could he possibly know what she was thinking?
Noel was sitting at home, working on the kids’ computer in the playroom. He’d given Cat some guff about the pressures of an office move (depressingly he was going to end his days at GRB hot-desking) making it impossible to work in the office. Really it was that there wasn’t enough work to keep him there. Although there was a second
computer in Cat’s office, she’d made it clear that she hadn’t welcomed his intrusion into her workspace, so he’d come downstairs to the kids’ computer, ostensibly to draw up the plans for the heating system for the proposed community centre, which was apparently going to be the hub of the eco town.
Having spent a very happy morning mooching about Hope Christmas on his last visit, Noel was now convinced that the designers of the town had utterly missed the point. There was a living, breathing community already there. People had begun to recognise him. The man who ran the antiques shop had taken to joking that Noel always came in yet never bought, and the woman in the estate agents’, having seen him mooching outside looking at the pictures, had dragged him in and shown him a whole variety of properties, all of which he coveted. When Noel was in Hope Christmas he bought organic meat at the butcher’s (he told Cat he’d got it in Smithfield Market), Shropshire honey that he pretended he’d picked up in Oxford Street, far too many books from the tiny bookshop with its informative and friendly booksellers, and used the internet facilities in Aunty Betty’s Coffee Shop, where he had met an ancient crone who had got him to show her how to surf.
Noel had fallen in love with Hope Christmas, and yet he had barely mentioned it to Cat. He couldn’t even explain to himself why he didn’t want to talk to her about it, but it was like he was having a fantasy life, far removed from his normal stresses and strains. And, for now, he just wanted to keep it secret.
From what he had seen of the place, it seemed like the perfect place to live already, so who needed to create a new town so close by? The prices were going to be out of the range of most of the young people in the surrounding villages, even in these uncertain times. Noel wished more than ever that someone at GRB had listened to his suggestions about utilising existing buildings to create sustainable and affordable housing. Every time he visited the building site, he felt sick. A perfectly beautiful valley was being destroyed. And for what? Just so that Luke Nicholas and his cronies could line their pockets.
Last Christmas Page 20
