by Hayden Hunt
And just like that, my entire world had fallen apart in forty-eight hours.
How was it that mere days ago I was so happy? I had my life together then. I was finishing up my book, I was starting to feel happy again, I was looking forward to my date day with Noah. Life was good.
Now my entire world was fucking empty.
Was it really not enough that I had my heart broken when I broke up with Noah? But now this? How could I possibly get through one more tragic thing?
Fuck, and I had to sleep in this god damn house now! The house I was avoiding so fiercely by staying at Noah’s every single day.
It hurt my heart to stay here. I had memories of both my mother and my father when we were all happy.
My childhood was so good. Obviously there were negatives; everyone had hardships growing up. Mine mostly revolved around me slowly learning my sexuality was different from others.
But I always felt I would get through that. Especially with my mother and father by my side, who would accept me no matter what. I truly believed their love for me was unconditional.
That wasn’t exactly how things ended up being, but it was really what I thought.
I wondered if things would have been different if my mother was there. Would she have kept my dad from kicking me out? I liked to think she would. I liked to think she would have immediately accepted me and loved me for who I was, regardless.
Then again, I once believed that of my father. And he just ended up shattering my entire world.
That was another problem with one parent letting you down. If the other one had already passed and you didn’t have the ability to talk to them, you kind of started to doubt them too. You would question how they really would have felt about it and if they’d really have been there for you the way you assumed they would. I fucking hated that, on top of everything else, my father had taken away my confidence in my mom too.
I heard a crack of thunder hit the ground a few miles away. It had been raining for hours, which only made the fact that I’d be staying in this house tonight more overwhelming.
I fucking hated the thunder and lightning. I didn’t even particularly like the rain, though I could handle it. But my heart jumped with every loud thunder strike and it seemed to make the corners of this old house creak. It was eerie.
I couldn’t imagine how I was going to feel once it was dark outside. The overcast gloom of the day was already making me uncomfortable, but I’d feel much more alone when it was finally dark.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I had someone around. I wouldn’t have minded the thunder as much if I was still at Noah’s house being comforted by him. Or if I had Bailey curled up at my feet…
But now I had neither of them.
I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, so I curled up on the couch and pulled an old quilt over my head to try my handy dandy lets-get-invisible trick. It didn’t provide the same comfort it usually did, however.
Probably because I was sitting on my old childhood couch where I used to watch movies with my father, covered with a blanket that was quilted by my mother. No matter what, I couldn’t get away from the memories. It was too much for me to take tonight after the news I had received.
That was it, I was not staying here. I couldn’t. I felt like Bailey used to in this house. I was actually starting to shake from the stress of being here.
I would go to a hotel, that was it. I wouldn’t feel nearly as miserable if I was in a hotel. Away from the memories of my family.
Except I’d still be pretty unhappy. The only place I truly felt comfortable was at Noah’s house. But I couldn’t go there after what I’d done.
It was a mistake, breaking up with him. Yes, he worked long hours and yes, he abandoned Bailey when she was sick. I wasn’t wrong to be upset about that.
But he wasn’t wrong when he said it wasn’t fair for me to just give up on him. One bad day, and I was ready to run out the door and never look back. This was the man I claimed was the love of my life—I pictured myself marrying him one day!
How could I picture myself marrying a man and being with him for the rest of my life, and then leave him? It was inconceivable. It wasn’t right. I had intense feelings and I allowed them to let me overreact.
And in that process of overreacting, I hurt the man I loved. I would be devastated if I was in his shoes. The hurt I’d feel if he abandoned me because of one mistake… I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same. I doubt he’d be able to see me the same either.
I wanted nothing more than to drive over to his house and apologize. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and comfort me, especially after the horrible news I just received. But that was selfish.
I didn’t deserve his comfort and he didn’t need to see me after what I did. I was sure he wanted his space and the least I could do was give it to him.
That didn’t mean I needed to stay here, though. In fact, I couldn’t. Every minute I was in this house throwing a pity party for myself was a minute closer to folding and giving Noah a call.
I had to leave. I had to book a hotel and go stay somewhere else for the night.
I grabbed my wallet and was just about to head out the door when I heard a knock that made me jump. I was already on edge from the thunder and I had no idea who would be at the door so I almost considered not answering it.
But whoever the knocker was, they didn’t give up. They knocked two more times and I decided finally that I’d better just answer and get whatever it was out of the way.
When I opened my door, there was Noah. Standing in the rain, soaking wet, his blonde hair sticking to his forehead.
The most surprising thing, though, was the giant grin on his face.
“What… What are you doing here?” I stuttered.
“I’m so sorry, Charlie!” he said loudly, because thunder had struck right as he began to speak. “You were right, you were totally right.”
‘No, I wasn’t…” I began, but he continued speaking as if he hadn’t heard me.
“Don’t talk,” he said. “Just for a minute, I need you to listen.”
“Okay…” I answered hesitantly.
“Charlie, I love you. I love you more than anything. I know it, I knew it from the moment I met you. Sometimes when you love someone, you just know. And if you know, you should do everything in your power to center your life around them as much as possible.”
Then, without warning, Noah reached into his back pocket and pulled out a little red velvet box. Before I even had time to gasp, he was down on one knee.
“Charlie, will you marry me?”
15
Noah
I was sitting on my bed in my room, rolling the small red velvet box around in my hands as I stared at the ceiling and thought about what I was about to do.
The raindrops hitting the roof calmed me, which was good, because I was so intensely nervous and doubting whether this was really the right move.
I wanted to show Charlie I was committed to him, but was this the way? Driving over to his house and proposing on the spot after only a few months of dating? When, technically, we were broken up?
Yesterday, after speaking to my boss about changing my hours, I was so sure that going out and buying a ring was the right thing to do. Just like Nancy had said, I knew who the love of my life was and if I lost him, I didn’t think I’d ever find another.
But when I went ring shopping this morning, doubt began to flood into me. It didn’t help that the jeweler I went to seemed thoroughly confused when I said I was buying an engagement ring, then proceeded to look at men’s bands.
Not that I cared that much—fuck that judgmental jeweler. I cared about what Charlie was going to think of me proposing and, in this moment, I had no idea what he’d think.
It was possible he’d actually react really badly. I wasn’t sure if he even wanted to see me right now. I didn’t break up with him, after all. He dumped me. And maybe he meant that to be forever.
I didn’t want to thi
nk that. I really believed that he loved me as deeply as I loved him. He was my soulmate, I was convinced of it. But he hadn’t spoken to me since dumping me except for that one update on Bailey, so I couldn’t help but have my doubts.
I wondered how Bailey was. Was it a good sign that he hadn’t updated me on her again? Because she was fine, and so it wasn’t important to inform me about it when he still felt so angry? Or was him not telling me she wasn’t fine to spare my feelings because, really, it had been my fuck up?
I couldn’t be sure but I didn’t want to think about that right now. I was concerned for Bailey, of course, but I had to focus on the task at hand. More anxiety just wasn’t going to help me here.
I was now gently tossing the velvet ring box up and down in my hand. I needed to make a decision. Was I going to drive over and give this to Charlie or not?
I didn’t have to. Maybe if I went over to his house right now and told him that I changed my schedule and I’d be more dedicated to him from now on, he’d be fine with that. That might be commitment enough for him to take me back without taking the risky leap of giving him a ring.
The truth was, though, I didn’t want to do the bare minimum to get him to take me back. I wanted to propose. I wanted him to know how deeply I feel about him. I was ready to start our lives together.
I just didn't want my eagerness to commit to scare him off, either.
I sighed and rolled over as I continued to over think my decision. And that was when I saw it…
Sitting on the nightstand on what used to be Charlie’s side of the bed sat a little black notebook. It was already opened up to a page and I knew what it contained.
It was Charlie’s story, the romance he had been writing. He didn’t want me to read it until it was finished…
But right now, I couldn’t resist.
It was wrong, I know it was. I shouldn't have been reading his work without his permission. But right now I just missed him so deeply. All I wanted was to have a piece of him to hold onto. Even if that piece came in the form of a fictional story.
I didn’t have time to read the whole thing, of course. So I settled on just reading the page he had opened. It was the epilogue, some of the very last of his story.
Since I hadn’t read the beginning of the story, obviously I lost a lot of the context. But it was this couple sitting on the couch together, wrapped in each other’s arms as they watched their children playing out in the yard.
‘Remember when you told me you envisioned this?’ one of the characters asked the other.
‘I do. And I distinctly remember you telling me that you didn’t.’
The first character laughed. ‘I lied. I lied through my teeth. I always saw this life with you. Everything we’ve experienced, I saw with you. I saw our wedding day, I saw us adopting our first child, I saw us sitting together in our home ten years down the line and feeling genuinely happy. I’m just sorry for the time it took to get us there. If I could go back and relive all the time I lost with you, I would.’
The second character kissed the first one. ‘Let’s just focus on holding on to all the future time together that we can.’
And that was it. That was all I needed to read. I wasn’t bouncing around my decision anymore; I knew what I was going to do regardless of the risk.
I tore out that last page of Charlie’s story and stuffed it in my pocket. I probably should’ve left it where it was but I needed it. If I doubted myself again, I needed this page to remind me of the decision I made. I needed it to push me in the right direction.
I got in my car, ring in my pocket, and headed over to Charlie’s as fast as I could while still being safe in the rain. My mind was racing the entire way there, and doubts continued to pop into my mind, but I shoved them down.
I needed to get there as quickly as possible. Before I had the opportunity to change my mind, I absolutely had to get these words out to him.
As much as it scared me, I couldn’t help but smile during the last few minutes of the drive. Adrenaline was coursing through my veins, endorphins flooding my brain as I pictured a life with Charlie. The life I always wanted.
I walked straight up to his front door when I arrived, but halfway up the lawn I realized something.
Fuck, I hadn’t even thought about what I was going to say!
I needed some kind of speech. I needed a way to express how deeply I loved him. This was our proposal, for crying out loud! I couldn’t just run in there with a ring and nothing to say. This was the story we would tell our kids one day.
I paced outside as I did my best to think of something to say. The rain began to pound harder to the point of completely soaking me, but I hardly cared. In fact, it was a nice way to cool off when it felt like fire was running through me. My skin was flushed in anticipation of what I’d soon do.
But the more I tried to think of something to say, the more things became jumbled in my mind. The speech my brain came up with was absolute shit. I just kept spitting out excuses for my actions, trying to convince him I was worthy of being with him still. It didn’t feel like a romantic proposal at all.
So, fuck it, scrap the speech thing. I wasn’t going to come up with one while I was pacing his lawn, stressed out of my mind. I was just going to have to speak from the heart and hope it would be enough.
I walked up to his door and knocked on it. At first, there was no answer. I knew he was here because his father’s car that he’d been driving was parked in the driveway. I knocked again, but still nothing.
My heart rate went up a little with every unanswered knock. Finally, on the third one, Charlie came to the door. His face contorted when he saw me.
“What… What are you doing here?” he said with a nervous undertone.
“I’m so sorry, Charlie!” I shouted as lightning began to strike. “You were right, you were totally right.”
He mumbled something I couldn’t understand, but I ignored him and moved forward.
“Don’t talk,” I told him. “Just for a minute, I need you to listen.”
“Okay…” he whispered.
“Charlie, I love you. I love you more than anything. I know it, I knew it from the moment I met you. Sometimes when you love someone, you just know. And if you know, you should do everything in your power to center your life around them as much as possible.”
This was it, it was now or never. I pulled the ring out of my pocket and got down on one knee.
“Charlie, will you marry me?”
His jaw dropped.
“I… Oh my god,” he muttered.
He kept staring from me, to the ring, then back up to my face. Finally, he pulled my arm and dragged me inside.
“Come in, just come in. You’re soaking wet!”
“I don’t care,” I said as I walked in the house. “That doesn’t matter to me. You’re the only thing that matters to me.”
He placed a gentle hand on my cheek, a soft but sad smile crossing his lips.
“Babe, you don’t have to do this, okay? You don’t have to propose to me just to prove you're committed. You don’t need to make some grandiose statement to win me back, all right? You never lost me.”
I was a little confused. “But… you dumped me and you haven’t spoken to me…”
“I know.” He sighed. “I did that out of anger, and although my anger wasn’t necessarily misplaced, it was an overreaction. I didn’t need to dump you over one day, over one mistake, no matter how much it hurt me. That’s not what you do when you’re in a committed relationship with someone you love. We could have worked it out. I didn’t need to take it to that extreme.”
“No, I’m glad you did,” I said honestly. “If you had been calmer about it, I’m not sure if I ever would have got the picture. If I didn’t lose you, I don’t think I would have ever realized what a big mistake I was making.”
“Mistake?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Yes.” I took his hand in mine. “I had my priorities all fucked up, Charlie. I was pu
tting work before you and… God, it was just such a mistake. I see that now. After you dumped me, I had to go help a widow take care of her deceased husband’s body. And that’s when it hit me.”
“What?” he asked anxiously. “What hit you?”
“How important our time is. We have a limited amount of it. There’s only so much time I have on this earth and I want to spend it all with you. Not attached to some fucking job. What is a job? It’s nothing. People… people are what matter. You’re my person. And I don’t want to spend my time with anyone else and I definitely don’t want to waste any time in life by clinging to my flaws. I want to be my best self, for you. I want to fix my mistakes, and I think I have.”
“You have?” he asked. “But how?”
“I went to my boss and I asked for fewer hours. I’m not going to work my time away anymore. You’re going to get more of me, as much as I can give you.”
He wrapped his arms around my neck. “Oh, baby, thank you…” he said softly. “You really went to your boss that very same day?”
“Yep.” I nodded as he pulled away. “And then the next morning, this morning, I went out and bought this ring.”
“But babe, you didn’t need to buy the ring. I don't need that big of a commitment. Just knowing you’re trying to change your work schedule, that’s really enough for me.”
“I know,” I answered. “And I didn’t get the ring because I thought I’d have to win you back. I bought it because I love you and I don’t want to waste another second of my time without you. That’s it, that’s my only motivation.”
“You… You really want to marry me?” he gasped.
“Yes. So, so badly.”
“After only a few months? Are you really sure?”
“Yes,” I said with complete confidence. “I’m entirely sure. And this little page, well, it helped.”
I pulled out the folded piece of paper from my back pocket and handed it to him.
“What’s this?” he asked as he began to open up what he’d written into his epilogue.
“I know I shouldn't have taken it, and you’re probably going to be mad, but—”
