by K. S. Adkins
Yeah, she’d want me.
Grabbing a few hours of sleep, I ran errands, made it to work and when my shift was over, I met up with Jules like she requested. The second I saw her I knew I was in some deep shit because she was up to something. Jules was always up to something.
“Rome!” she says pulling Max behind her, “You ready for phase two?”
“Phase two?”
“Yeah, it’s the phase where I kick your ass in the name of love,” says Rogan coming around the corner. Now I’m a big guy, easily two of Rogan but his training came from the streets and until prison, my training was on a synthetic field. This guy knew underground shit. Seeing where Jules was going with this, I crossed my arms over my chest knowing I’d go through with it but also knowing it was going to hurt. This scenario sucked because I couldn’t fight back when my nature demanded I defend myself. But if it landed me back on her gurney, I’d do it.
“The second you swing at me it’s going to take everything I’ve got not to swing back,” I warn him. “I don’t think this is the way to go.”
“That’s where we come in,” says Tony standing next to Max. Perfect. Now I’ve got all the owners of Lush, minus Rafe and Venessa, in attendance.
“No one fights without video proof,” she says making her entrance holding her phone out. Christ, these people were crazy.
With Tony taking one arm and Max taking another, Rogan stands in front of me cracking his giant knuckles. “Ready!” says Venessa recording.
“How do you want this?” Rogan asks casually, not fazed about making me bleed in the slightest.
“My face,” I hated my face. I hated that women loved what it looked like but not about the man that wore it. Not her though, she used to like the guy underneath for some fucking reason. I was willing to do anything to get her to like me again. “Maybe a rib, too.”
He nods once but before I could take another breath he scores two direct hits to my face and a sledgehammer of a hit to my rib cage. Letting out a loud ‘oomph’ it takes both Tony and Max to hold me back. Right then, helping me or not, I wanted to kill the mother fucker. On the inside, I had three situations where I was held back to get beat on. Once I recovered, those mother fuckers got it even worse but, memories like that never go away.
“Easy,” says Max, calming me down.
“We good?” Rogan asks backing away looking proud of himself while Venessa cheers him on. Managing a nod was all I had in me. The guy hit like Holyfield and it was hard to remember to stay put, that this was a favor.
Walking over and looking up at me, Jules says, “Better go and get fixed up, better safe than septic. Tell the Doc we said hi.”
Even with my jaw and ribs screaming at me, I hustled over to Henry Ford to see Kandace.
Only Kandace.
She was the only one who could fix me, the only one allowed to touch me.
Friday night’s game was intense. Roman threw for a touchdown with three seconds left on the clock and when it registered that we’d won, the place went nuts. The crowd flooded the field and Trina and I were swept up in it. Homecoming was big here as I imagine it was at every university. Students and players were ecstatic with the win and finding him in the crowd his smile was brighter than all the lights in the stadium. I wanted to walk over, congratulate him, but I stopped myself because outside of the library, the few times I have seen him on campus, he ignored me.
When he saw me he didn’t return my wave or make an attempt to say hello. Instead, he picked a random girl (in a cheerleader’s uniform no less) up and had her ass in his hands. Trina let me know she was ready to go, so turning away we drove back to our place and that night I didn’t go to the homecoming bash.
I stayed inside, where I belonged.
Friday nights are always intense here. Slamming back my third cup of coffee, I check the board and was just about to head to my next case when the nurse-on-staff approaches. “Dr. Kane,” she whispers. “There’s a man named Roman demanding only you can treat him, what do you want me to do?”
Screaming on the inside like a twelve year old who scored One Direction tickets, I put on my medical face and instruct her to put him in ten. I needed him away from other patients so I could speak to him without an audience. Since he left yesterday, I kicked myself for not showing him that I was different now, stronger.
Pulling the curtain back my breath hitches as I take him in. My God, I can’t do this, he’s too beautiful, too real. He’s not that college guy anymore, he’s rugged, raw and I wanted to mount him right there on the gurney. For some reason he felt attainable to me now and I wanted him. With his hair close to his scalp in tight perfect braids, his goatee thin, sharp cheekbones and when he looked up... Those shocking crystal blue eyes, such a contradiction to the darkness of his skin. Skin I wanted to lick, large hands I wanted wrapped around my waist…
“Hello Kandace,” he says hesitantly. He says it like he’s afraid I’ll call for security but it’s the first time I’ve ever heard him say it at all. I went weak over it, willing to beg to hear it again.
“Hello Roman,” Taking a seat so I didn’t fall over, I ask him. “What happened to your face?”
“Hazard of the job, I guess.”
“The stitches look good but now your left eye is swelling and you appear to be favoring your side. Did someone drive you here?” I ask noticing a goose egg forming on his temple.
“I came alone.”
“Did you come this far out of your way on purpose?” I ask hoping he’ll say yes, that he had to see me.
“I wanted the best,” he says watching me. “Jules said you’re the best.”
“Oh.”
“I wanted to see you, Kandace.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, I did. You made Tuesdays my favorite day and now you made Thursdays my favorite night. I don’t have anything to look forward to now.”
Grabbing a tray and cleaning his eye before icing it, I didn’t know what to say so I kept it professional. “Take your shirt off for me, please.” Turning around I was caught off guard when he had not only removed his shirt but sat there wearing only a smirk. If he was glorious in college it didn’t hold a candle to him now. Older, thicker all over and even more handsome than my mind could comprehend, I just couldn’t move.
Finally snapping me out of it he calls my name and still I was struck dumb. “Kandace,” he says smiling at my blatant full-body eye fuck.
“You’re still beautiful,” I whisper then guaranteed I turned eight shades of red. “I mean, you looked good back then but you look even better now.” Shit, not smooth! “I just meant I’ve never seen you without a shirt. That one time at the lake counts, maybe?” Oh God, this was worse…
“Kandace,” he says softly. “Do you remember some of the good times together?”
“I’m going to wrap your ribs and put a salve on your eye,” I sputter changing the subject. For years I wanted him to notice me and now he is and I can’t process it. Well that and he was being nice, sweet even. Past history proves after sweet comes total humiliation. I had no training for this.
“Are you afraid of me now?”
“No,” I say backing out of the room when I was finished.
“Then why are you running?”
“Because maybe for once, you should be afraid of me.”
“Why’s that?” he asks cocking his head to study me. Reaching for the cart, I grab the items needed to get him fixed and back in his car as quickly as possible. Ten years have passed but he’s still Roman and I’m still me, it would never work, even if I wanted it to.
“I dreamt of you, Kandace,” God, he really needed to stop saying my name. “All that time on the inside it was you I thought of. I worried about you, always wondered if one day you’d show. I don’t blame you for forgetting about me, I would have. But you told Jules we went to school together, not that you tutored me, why?”
Feeling myself getting angry because nothing stings like remembering that bullshit, I wipe his
eye clean and tell him, “I tutored you for one year. Then the one time I mentioned it publicly you crucified me.”
“I know,” watching him wince at the reminder made my heart squeeze.
“Breathe normally,” I tell him as I begin wrapping his side. Knowing I would need another strip, I move away to get one when he gently takes my wrist.
“Breathing normally is impossible right now,” he says staring me down. “I looked forward to those sessions, to seeing you on campus. I did everything I could to see you, you knew that right? You were a good friend to me but I wanted---”
“Oh please,” I tell him laughing at the thought. “We weren’t friends, I was your punchline.”
“Clearly you have a good memory,” he mumbles. “Did you at least get paid for tutoring me?”
“Uh no,” I mumble in return. “You were arrested the week of finals before I could.” I still remember being questioned before his trial. The administration wanted to make sure I wasn’t one of his victims, it was horrible.
“Shit.”
“Look,” I tell him wanting to get this over with. “I’m surprised you remember anything about me because I was a bookworm not a cheerleader. Frankly, I don’t know why you bothered with me at all other than to laugh at my expense.”
“Christ, not remember? I remember everything. You made my senior year memorable, Kandace. We had fun together. Do you not remember the good at all? And why do you sound like you’re pissed at me?” he argues putting his shirt back on which was both sad and necessary.
“The good, huh? Ruining my dates? Making fun of me? Following me only to remind me of my status? You made my junior year hell, if memory serves. I don’t sound pissed, I am pissed. You made it impossible to be your friend. You refused to listen to anything I had to say,” I snap. “I tried to tell you she was dangerous but you wouldn’t hear it from someone like me. Wait what was it you said? Oh that’s right, you said---”
“Here we fucking go,” he says cutting me off. “God you used to nag the shit out of me. If it makes you feel any better, I had ten years to learn that lesson, doc, but thanks for the reminder.”
“I’m sorry,” I mutter feeling like shit. “It’s in the past. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s never been my business. I mean, you’ve never been my business.”
“Naw, you’re right. You were then, you are now. I wasn’t a good listener, didn’t have to be because I knew it all right?” he says opening the curtain. “You were always my business doc, I made sure of that. Seems to me you only remember the bad. But it wasn’t always bad, there were times…” he starts but then shakes his head. “I’ll wait out in the lobby for my discharge papers.”
Speechless, I stand there as he pushes past me in favor of the lobby. At least this time he didn’t humiliate me in front of a group; that was progress, right? If this was progress, it sucked.
“You’re better than them,” she says out of the blue. Every week she gives me shit about something. My friends, my partying, the notches I fucked and today it was my image. “Right now you’re the face of Wayne State, you’re an example you should set a good one.”
“What I should set is rules,” I groan. “You’re here to tutor me not give life advice. Seriously Teach, if I was going to take life advice from anyone it would be from someone who actually had a life.”
“Espn 2 did a piece on you,” she says in a less confident voice. Yeah, I just smacked her down but I wasn’t aware of a piece on me, this wasn’t good. “You and your teammates taunted the mascot from U of M on Saturday.”
“So?”
“So? His name is Kevin and he is a mentally challenged boy who loves football. They made him an honorary member of the team and the mascot. The students love him and you---”
“How the fuck was I supposed to know that?”
“I imagine had you known you wouldn’t have done it,” she says looking at her book. “But it doesn’t negate the fact that it happened. It shouldn’t matter if he had a handicap or not, Roman. You’re supposed to be a role model.”
“What are you my fucking PR person?” I growl pissed at her, pissed at the situation. God dammit I was pissed at myself.
“Hardly,” she scoffs. “I’m not certain I can even help you pass physics. Trying to help you with your image is laughable.”
“How does perfection feel?” I snap.
“I’m not perfect, Roman. I’m also not in the spotlight either. If I were I would be cautious about the choices I made.”
“Thank fuck you are not one of the choices I have to worry about.”
“Sure I was,” she counters. “You chose me from the database of tutors, it was your decision to make. If you regret it, walk out then you won’t be held accountable anymore.”
Kandace didn’t bring my papers out to me she had a nurse do it, a fucking nurse.
Tossing them in my passenger seat, I sit in the lot seriously pissed off. I never forgot her. It wasn’t possible. Not her pushiness, not her expectations and not her beautiful face when she smiled at me, told me how smart I was. She had to remember some of the good times we had together, fuck, she had to. Because they weren’t just good times, they were the best times in my life. Time has passed but she sure as hell didn’t look like the girl I remember, fuck, she was so much more now. Back then I knew that I fucked with her head but did it anyway. I liked that I could. I liked knowing she was jealous, I was a cruel son of a bitch, too.
Letting my head fall, I knew she was right. Back then though, everyone told me what to do, where to go, how to dress and the best piece of ass to fuck. I was the guy that fucked you first then left you to everyone else as leftovers. My tutor was the only one who bitched at me for not thinking for myself, to stay away from certain girls and to focus on my studies in the event football didn’t work out.
Football was my life, of course it would work out so, I dismissed her and stared at her tits instead.
I remember inviting her to the party, hoping she’d show. Our time together was over so I promised myself if she came, I’d tell her how I felt. When she did and the guys, hell every guy noticed her, I couldn’t fucking handle it and reacted. Not a day goes by that I don’t remember the look on her face when I walked away from her. After that night, I didn’t see her for ten God damn years. Now she’s real again, the one I hurt, the one I wanted but would never have me. Because the damage I caused couldn’t be fixed, it was written all over her face. On the field I never backed down, I didn’t accept defeat and I couldn’t accept it now.
Driving back to work I shut everyone down, even Jules. Technically I was off the clock but I didn’t want to go home so I went back just to stay busy. For ten years I was stuck with myself and even if I didn’t engage much, I needed to be around other people so the silence wouldn’t get to me.
The night went by slowly without any incidents. No matter how hard I tried that one night wouldn’t go away, it was a tangle of events, all brutal, all permanent. While serving my time there were three things I thought about; what would life had been like had I stayed in and studied, watching my back and her.
After my shift, I went home to check on my grandma first. Walking in she greeted me like she always did, with a hug and the usual I love you. Falling into the recliner, she’s quiet a moment before she starts in on me.
“Judging by your face I’d go for bad night?”
“This was on purpose,” I tell her, looking away.
“Had to be,” she says handing me an ice pack. “My boy hasn’t lost a fight since preschool. Who is she?”
“A doctor, the one that got away.”
“Uh huh,” she says taking the chair across from mine. This was the woman who raised me, stood by me and swore my innocence when no one else would. She knew me, she knew my struggles. “What’s this doctor’s name?”
“Kandace Kane,” I tell her and her face lit up at the mention of a woman. “She tutored me senior year. Do you remember me complaining about her? Shit, had I listened to her
---“
“Stop that,” she snaps. “Boy, playing that game will get you nowhere. Looking back never solved nothin’. If this woman cared for you it’s because you’re worthy of care and she sees that. Don’t let the past define you, live in the present, Rome.”
“I’m crashing out,” I tell her standing up. Leaning down to kiss her cheek, I tell her, “Love you, grandma,” before locking up behind me to go to my own place next door. My grandma owns the duplex we live in and when I got out she had the place next door ready for me. Normally she’d be down south spending half the year with family but she stayed back to help me adjust to life on the outside. Behind these walls was my safe haven but also a prison because no matter where I went, I was that guy.
The convicted rapist.
Grabbing my yearbook from the top shelf of my closet, I thumb through the pages in my class but I don’t see her. Going to the grade behind me, I spotted her right away. Kandace looked just as gorgeous then as she does now, minus the glasses. I loved her in those frames. The real bitch was, in college I hooked up with a specific type of girl and Kandace wasn’t it. She was the ultimate challenge; one I had no idea how to win.
Ten years changed her only slightly. She was still thick with long hair and pale skin but she wasn’t as shy anymore, she was totally confident now. Kandace was fucking beautiful. She was the one chick that scared the shit out of me because she was smart, didn’t care about what people thought and didn’t give a fuck about my status.
The truth was, in all these years she wasn’t the one who changed, I was and not for the better.
Football was going to give me money and fame. Both things I felt were owed to me. One bad choice I don’t even remember making, took that away from me and now I was nothing, nobody, a joke, a fucking lesson.
Slamming the book shut, I fall into the chair in front of the TV flicking through the channels but seeing nothing. My ribs ached, my face had a pulse and I was a prick to her because I was embarrassed. Tomorrow was my only day off and knowing I owed her an apology, my plan was to swing by her place to deliver it in person; after I conned Jules into giving me her address.
