by K. S. Adkins
Michelle Porter took from me what I wasn’t offering freely and essentially raped me. Thank fuck I don’t remember her doing it but all my bullshit lead up to that night. I set myself up to fall. I used people, I knowingly hurt Kandace.
But while I plug in my printer and fill it with paper I couldn’t call up the anger about those years. The fact was I had to lose it all to be where I was right now. To stay sane, after she left I started running again. I needed a way to clear my head, focus and fight the anger I carried around. Stopping to catch my breath, I look up at this slick building on 8 Mile that said Second Chances. Since we found each other again we realized the importance of second chances. Pushing the door open, I walked in having no clue what this joint was about.
A guy came out and introduced himself and welcomed me. I told him I wasn’t staying, that I was curious nothing more. Looking at me he saw something and started asking questions. Three hours later, we were in his office sharing life stories. If I thought I’d seen some shit, this guy was a close second and I trusted him immediately. Every day at noon I came back to Second Chances until I had to be at the club. Then I met his woman, who was intimidating for someone so tiny, and liked her too. I believed in this place, what it stood for and when he asked me to be a permanent part of it, I said fuck yes.
Meeting Rio wasn’t an accident.
So here I am, filling my office with motivational posters and chairs after finally finding my purpose. My schedule was already full with appointments, people needing their second chance too. Mentoring, I found, was what I enjoyed most. Once a week I meet with a group of young guys that have potential but are fighting the pull of the streets. Every time I share my story, I see it when it clicks with someone. Losing it all to keep others from making the same mistakes was okay with me. I didn’t mind being the lesson anymore.
Which, of course, brings me back to her.
We both knew about second chances. We knew we were each other’s. The problem was, falling in love with her all over again was cut short because I found the opportunity to hurt her and took it. Every day I come here wanting to be a better man for both of us. Working with Rio, listening to his advice and watching him protect his second chance with Bet taught me things no movie ever could.
I saw Kandace and me like I see them. Solid, united, unbreakable. A fortress no man could penetrate. Being without her was brutal but I had to have faith that the opportunity to do things right would happen for me. For us. Bishop asked me if I wanted a re-do, to get my life back to the way it was meant to be. The answer is still no because my life was meant to be tied to hers and if I could re-do anything, it would have been to lean on her instead of destroy her.
She’s my motivation, salvation. She always has been.
At night when I struggle to sleep I feel her voice inside of me. It’s so God damn vivid that I memorized the words and looked it up online. The song existed, I didn’t make it up. The fact that I even know this solidifies that even with half the world between us, she’s still with me. I feel her touching me with phantom hands, showing me she loves me. I can picture her running her fingers over her wrist while she whispers my number. Fuck, I could feel her missing me too.
She begged me to let my past go, to move forward and to trust her. When she needed me to do that most, it wasn’t she that failed me. It was me that failed her. Kandace has never failed me and she never would.
Kandace healed me.
Now it was up to me to do the same for her.
I had this idea spinning around in my stomach. I was nervous because I was pretty sure he’d laugh and say no but I figured there was no harm in asking. Most students spent their Saturday’s working, recovering or studying. I spent mine volunteering. While he was getting his notes in order for me to quiz him I decided to throw it out there. I had to do it. Since we’ve established this on again off again friendship I wanted to show him a part of me no one else sees.
Did I want him to think highly of me? Absolutely. But more than that, I wanted him to know that yes, I am the definition of nerdy and also that I wouldn’t change it for the world. I liked reading, musicals, theatre, comics and even football. I believed in helping others, the greater good and in him. Roman had trust issues and I wanted him to know that he was safe with me, always.
“Are you busy Saturday morning?” I throw out.
“Depends.”
“Okay,” I mumble losing my nerve. “If I asked you to spend Saturday morning with me, would you?”
“Depends.”
“On what?” I ask getting frustrated.
“If we’ll be naked or not.”
“Forget it,” I say reaching for my own notes.
“I was joking, relax,” he says flipping my hand over and running his thumb over my wrist. “You have the softest skin,” he says absently. Noticing my uncertainty, he lets go and leans back in his chair. “Ask,” he says crossing his arms.
“I was wondering if you----“
“Sure, what time?” he says cutting me off.
“But you don’t know what I was going to say!”
“Doesn’t matter, just tell me what time.” I gave him the time to meet me and on Saturday morning he was waiting out in front of the library with an extra coffee for me.
Driving over to the hospital, I sign us in, get him a name tag and grab the elevator to the children’s ward. Checking in at reception, the attending nurse asks me to wait in the room across the hall, and that someone would be with us shortly. This was new, normally I checked in and went to see Nicky without any challenges. Letting him look around the room I opted for pacing.
“You alright, Teach?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say looking at the door. “This just isn’t routine.”
“You got a thing about routines,” he says smirking at me. I gave him one back because it was true, I did. When the door opened and a staff member walked in I knew before he spoke. Hearing the words certainly made it official but these were words I never expected to hear. Children aren’t supposed to die. Handing me a note and walking out of the room to give us privacy, I fell into a chair and opened it. It was a picture of me made by the hands of an eight year old with the box of crayons I bought him. With my image wearing a stethoscope and a big smile it said #1 Doctor with, Love Nicky underneath it.
Roman was right there pulling me into a hug. He let me cry on his wrinkled shirt until I was done. Then he drove me home, tucked me in and walked back to his side of campus alone. He was there for me the first time I was faced with real loss. He pulled through for me when I needed him most.
Today with the smell of death clinging to me, I cried out for Rome. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t hear me, that he didn’t know, I just knew that I needed him. Past bullshit didn’t matter to me. Not even the harsh things he said in the waiting room did. The few times I needed him to shield me he’d always been there and the reality that he wasn’t here now hurt. The moment I saw my name in his handwriting, I let the past go, fully.
If we stood a chance at moving past this rift between us, I wanted that chance. But I couldn’t even think that far ahead when I haven’t been granted clearance to go home. God, I wanted to go home. I wanted his cologne and his breath to replace the stench here. I wanted his arms around me when I cried myself to sleep. Memories of him coming to my aide when he thought I needed it flooded me. Roman Peterson always had my back when it was vulnerable. Bad dates, Sydney cheating, my broken ankle, losing Nicky, just to name a few. He made me laugh when I wanted to be angry. He lashed out at me when he feared his toxic crew would zero in on me. He wanted me to hate him as much as he wanted me to love him.
Rome tried in his own twisted way to save me from him but it would never work. I’ve loved him since I was eighteen years old and I always would. Closing my eyes and singing like I did every night to calm myself, I ran my finger over his number and wished he could hear me, feel me. Drifting off to sleep, I dreamt of him, good dreams, sweet dreams.
I told him t
hat no matter what life throws at us, I was his. That I would protect him with everything I had if he’d let me. That we survived ten years apart, that a few months were nothing for us. That we had something most people never get.
A second chance.
There was this guy, it was freaky as hell but I swore he was always watching me. The problem was if I had to explain him to someone, I couldn’t. His features never stuck in my brain but I knew he was dark like me, big like me and I felt that shit. He was fucking menacing and given the chance I’m pretty sure he wanted to hurt me. Swear to God, one minute he was there the next he wasn’t. Like a God damn ghost, he crowded me and it was only when I was near Kandace. If I had to call it something, I’d call it a warning.
Jack shit.
That’s what I’ve heard, jack shit.
The bitch of it was her dads haven’t heard shit either and they were losing it. The only communication they have is with her program rep who likes being vague. If Kandace wanted to ignore me I would deserve it, but she would never do that to her parents. Kandace would want them in the loop. Tonight at work, I took Jules aside and asked for a favor. She said she’d look into it but I haven’t heard from her yet either.
When I got home, I sat down at my table and finally read the letters she wrote to me. Somewhere between breaking down and feeling lost, her words built me back up. Her faith in me, even at my worst, was absolute. I had to believe she could forgive me for what I’d done and I promised if I ever saw her again and even if it was to say goodbye, I would own my mistake.
Rubbing my jaw, I stare at the piles wondering how I ever scored a friend like her in the first place. She was always too good for me and I wondered if letting her go was best for her, until I got a text from Jules.
Dialing her number she says, “The internet in her camp has been down for weeks. No incoming or outgoing correspondence. When I asked specifically about Dr. Kane would you like to know what her representative said?”
“Don’t fuck with me, Boss.”
“She said she put in her request for departure and replacement three weeks ago.”
“When is she coming home?”
“Rome,” she says “the request came the day after your package was received.”
“When is she coming home?” I repeat.
“That is unknown but the rep has my info and I made it clear I expected her to get back with me when that information becomes available.”
“Boss?”
“I know, Rome.”
Grabbing my keys and running to the front door I wanted to share the news with her dads in person. The least I could do was put their minds at ease after what they’ve done for me. Both men have taught me the proper way to handle my anger, move forward and court their daughter. I may have been locked up young, but that was no excuse to keep behaving like a kid. Only when I stepped out on to the porch I was laid the fuck out. Then the guy knelt down next to me and says, “I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Gage, the big brother.”
Shit.
That feeling that I used to get in school crept over me and at least now I knew who it belonged to. Made sense too if she were my sister, I would have kicked my ass by now. He caught me off guard and we both knew it but he was here so I figured I needed to listen to whatever he had to say.
“Get up,” he says pushing my front door open and heading inside. Following him in, I wait to see what his next move was but it wasn’t a move it was a warning. “Roman Peterson,” he says casing my place. “Number twenty nine. The quarterback who broke Wayne’s touchdown record, the campus whore and my favorite,” he says turning toward me. “The rapist.”
Staring him down at the reminder, he laughs and continues. “Saw the way you treated my baby sister. Saw the way you treated all the ladies. Now I didn’t care much for them, but I love her. You could have had her back then, we both know it. So why didn’t you?”
“Because she wasn’t a notch.”
“Ah,” he says. “Tell me number twenty nine if she wasn’t a notch what was she?”
“She was special,” I tell him proudly. “I loved her.”
“Brother, your idea of love and mine are not even on the same field. Heard my baby sister is coming home soon. My dads are beyond thrilled of course, how about you?”
“I---“
“I bet you’re thrilled too,” he says picking up one of her letters and skimming it. “Probably thinking up an apology, a way to get her to see past your transgressions. Not too many women out there like my sister. Food for thought though, the night you did her wrong? I was there, saw it, heard it and couldn’t believe that she left you or the idiots in your crew standing after you did it. You need to know the only reason you breathe today was because you went to prison and she begged for you to be spared.” Coming toe to toe with me he makes his position crystal clear. “Only for her do you breathe. You fuck this up again; I will break my promise to her and bury you next to your grandmother.” Breathing through my nose and biting my tongue was all I could do. I make a play for him and he’d make it so I never saw her again, as in I’d be dead. So I stayed where I was fighting my nature and the truth that he threw in my face. This guy wouldn’t care that because of her and making peace with my past, that I’m a better person now. Fuck him, I didn’t care what he thought.
“Number twenty nine,” he says standing at my door. “What a fucking waste.”
Then like some hocus pocus shit, he was gone.
“Are you following me?” I snap at him. I needed to grab tampons and a dry erase marker and like always, he finds me.
“You never follow me so what choice do I have?” he asks taking the box of tampons from my hand.
“That’s not true,” I tell him letting him keep the box. “I go to your games, I’m just not big on bangers.”
Tossing me the box he laughs, “You said bangers.”
“You know what I meant,” I laugh back.
“Yeah, Teach, I did.” He says quietly. “But if you were there I might actually enjoy it,” and I actually believed it.
It was rare, but from time to time he’d say something profound that would make my knees weak and my love for him even stronger. Unfortunately for me, those moments were few and far between.
Finally, I was going home.
I had four to seven days to go. Unfortunately, we lost our satellite feed and have had no access to email or phone for nearly a month. Thankfully, part of my rep’s job was keeping in touch with my family in the event that I couldn’t. Knowing my dads would be a wreck otherwise, I was able to do my job because my rep would handle the logistics.
While doing my rounds, one of nurses let me know we were back online and the decision to email Rome or not weighed on me. After reading his letters (which have become my obsession) I saw he left me his email address at the bottom. Day after day I wondered if I should do it. If I did do it, what would I say?
Hearing we were back up had me chewing my lip. It was decision time.
Choking down two Twinkie’s, I fired up my laptop and started typing. In the end a two-paragraph email took me four hours. Typing in the address, I hovered over the send tab when I started to shake.
“Doctor Kane,” I hear from outside. “You’re needed STAT.”
Hitting send, I close the lid and wouldn’t open it again for twelve hours. Tonight, like every night, I sang to my patients when I did my rounds. We lost five tonight, five and the losses took more from me. My voice, I like to believe provided comfort. At least as much as it could while I was wearing a hazmat suit and looked like an alien. Each night I would sing a gospel song and was pleased when I would end with Amazing Grace, how many villagers knew it.
Rubbing my eyes because I was running on fumes and despair, I opened my laptop expecting something from my dads. I never expected a response from Rome, even though I’d hoped for one. I had to read it several times before it made sense. Honestly, I still wasn’t sure if it made sense or not but he capitalized the
words so I had to assume it meant a place and decided to roll with it.
Second Chances ask for me.
#29
Emailing him back before crashing, literally, I let him know I don’t have a secure date yet and asked for clarification of his vague message. Within minutes he emails me back and was still as cryptic but a bit cocky.
It’s a place.
You’ll find me, Doc. You always do.
Feeling confused and energized I emailed him one last time with a smirk while I did it.
Assuming that I want to find you, I know where to look now.
Take care, #29.
His response though? Pure male and one hundred percent Rome.
Go to bed.
I have shit to do. Word is, my woman’s coming home.
For the first time in almost five months I went to bed happy and it was because of him.
When Kandace sang to me the world finally made sense. Her voice had the ability to reach out and comfort me. Just like it did in school when she’d get lost in her studies and hum to herself. Now I watch her on stage and when she should hate me, ignore me, or at the very least tell me to fuck myself, she sings to me.
To me.
She looks for me and when she finds me her nerves settle. I calm her like she calms me. I’ve waited a long time to see her again. Never thinking it would be here at Lush but I’d take it. I also never thought she’d keep coming back, but she does.
To me.
When Dick called me to tell me her plane just landed I played it cool until he offered his advice. “You called the play, son, it’s up to her if she runs with it or away from it.”
“That was the worst football analogy I have ever heard,” I mumble.
“I know my daughter,” he says. “And so do you.”
