by S Gonzalez
“What are you doing?! Help him. He needs help, please help him,” I plead through my tears.
I older woman approaches me and puts her hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry ma’am. He’s gone.”
My body shakes. I shake the officer and the woman off of me. He’s not gone. They’re wrong. He is right there. He is going to be fine. No. This is not it for us. We have not come this far for him to leave me now. I wipe the tears from my eyes and run toward the car. I slap him in the face to try to bring him out of this. He is fine. He was just telling me he loved me. He is going to be fine.
“Dominic, wake up. Come on baby, wake up for me. I need you to wake up,” he doesn’t move. “Please baby, please, don’t leave me. Please…please…please. I need you.”
I pound on his chest with my fists and beg him over and over to come back to me. The officer tries to pull me away but I won’t budge.
“Please! Please! Oh god,” I say as realization hit me that he is gone. “OH GOD NO! NO! NO! DOMINIC!” I scream.
The officer pulls me back but I slump to my knees on the ground and scream. I don’t even know what I am screaming. They may not even be coherent words, I just need …I just need Dominic.
“Ma’am is there anyone I can call,” the officer asks.
“His phone. Can I have his phone? I have to call his mother. She is a nurse. She can help him.” A feeling of false hope clouds my already foggy brain. Deep down I know Nancy can’t do anything for him but I need to grasp at straws here. I need him to not be dead right now.
“Sure thing. I’ll be right back,” the police officer tells me.
The paramedics are both next to me holding me up as I sob, finding it hard to breath. I watch the police officer search through Dominic’s pants pocket for his phone. When he hands it to me my fingers shake as I slide the bar across the screen. Dominic’s screen saver of the two of us, after we got engaged, lets lose another round of sobs as the rectangular piece of plastic falls though my shaky fingers. The officer picks up the phone from the ground and asks who I am trying to call.
“Dad,” is the only coherent word I can get out. The tears have stopped. I can’t move. My body feels heavy but the tears are not blurring my vision any more.
I watch as two people move him from the car and place him on a sheet on the ground. His clothes are all covered with blood. The police officer walks back toward me and helps me off the pavement. He puts his arm around my waist and directs me towards his police cruiser, but I refuse to go in. I sit on the hood of his car watching the scene unfold before me. When the officer hands me back his phone I look back at him and say, “Justin.” He nods and dials the phone. Before he puts it to his ear. I hold out my hand for him to give it over to me.
The phone rings one more time before Justin answers, “What’s up, dude?” he says but words fail me. I want to give Justin just one more second of happiness before I tell him his best friend just died and his world will never be the same. “Dom?”
“Justin,” I squeak out before a fresh set of tears cloud my eyes.
“Emma? Emma, what’s wrong. Are you crying?”
“Justin…Dom…gone,” my voice is eerily monotone. Shock is setting in and emotions are leveling off. I can’t feel. I can’t even comprehend what is going on around me.
“Who’s gone? Emma what the fuck is going on. Where is Dominic?”
I shake my head in the negative as if he can see me. The phone slips out of my hand and the officer catches it before it hits the ground. I hear him introduce himself and tell Justin what happened. I watch as Dominic is lifted onto what looks like a black tarp covered with a white sheet. An older gentleman zips up the bag and the paramedics carry his body onto a gurney and slide it into the back of the ambulance. The older woman from before gives me a sympathetic wave and hops into the rig before the door closes behind her.
“Ma’am is there anywhere I can take you. Your friend Justin is going over to Mr. Ross’s parents house. He gave me the address and told me to bring you there, but if there is someone else I can call for you…”
No one. There is no one else. My someone else just got carried away in a black bag from the side of the road. I have no one else. My entire world just crumbled at my feet. There is nowhere to go. I shake my head not really knowing what I mean by it. I just can’t think right now. I stare at the mangled car in front of me in complete shock. This is a dream. This has to be a dream. He just told me he would love me always then he left me. This can’t be real.
The officer helps me off the hood of his car and walks me back toward my car. Another officer I hadn’t noticed before slips into the police cruiser and drives off. The officer that has been with me from the start helps me into the passenger seat and climbs in the driver seat next to me. I don’t register anything that is happening. I don’t remember him starting the car or pulling away. I don’t remember driving down the street or even pulling up to the house, but when I look up I see an older version of Dominic standing on the porch talking to a police officer. My door opens and I extend my hand to the man who has been with me from the start. I see the nametag on his uniform says “Lewis”.
When officer Lewis closes the door behind me, I hear screeching tires come to a halt in the driveway. Justin climbs out of his truck and we run toward each other, crashing our bodies into one another as we meet halfway across the yard. The tears come back and so does the shaking. Justin and I hold each other tight and sink to our knees on the front lawn.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Emma. Shhh,” Justin says though his sobs as he tries to calm me down by rubbing my back.
“Justin, he’s gone. He told me he loved me then he was gone. I’m so sorry. I am so sorry, I couldn’t help him. I tried, I swear, I tried,” I scream.
“Emma. Shhhh…its okay. Its not your
fault…Shhhh.”
Justin pulls away slightly and cups my face with his hands. “It’ll be okay. Well get through it. Together, okay. You’re not alone. Whatever you need I’m here.”
Justin stands up and helps me to my feet. I feel a hand on my shoulder and Dominic’s father Jason looks into my eyes with pure sadness. It’s hard looking at him because he looks so much like the man I just left. The one that died in front of me. The one that took my heart with him to wherever it is he is now. I break into another fit of sobs and I am pulled into the same warm embrace that reminds me of Dominic. His father even smells a little like him, which does nothing for my sense of reality.
I close my eyes and let Jason’s arms hold me and calm me. In my mind right now, Dominic is holding me because I have woken up from this nightmare and he is telling me this is all a bad dream. That’s what this all is. One big nightmare. The last hour of my left never happened. Dominic is holding me so he can’t be dead. When Jason pulls back and brushes a piece of hair away from my face my world tumbles back to the ground.
“You ok?” Jason asks, but I have no words. The only response I can give him is a shake of my head. “Come on lets get you cleaned up.”
Jason puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me into the house. Oh my god, Nancy. How is she going to handle this? I can’t look at her. I can’t watch her fall apart for the loss of her son. I stop in my tracks and as if he is reading my mind, Jason gives me a reassuring smile and me at tells me Nancy is at work. He explains to me Officer Lewis is going to drive him to the hospital so they can talk to his wife personally before she hears it over the police scanner in the ER. He hands me over to Justin and tells us to stay as long as we want.
Justin takes my hand and leads me up to Dominic’s bedroom. The bedroom that just a few hours ago we were laughing and making love in. It is just as we left it and being in here makes my insides feel like they are being jabbed with a hot poker.
Justin looks through some drawers and pulls out a pair of sweatpants, socks, and a t-shirt and lays them on the bed. He sits me down and takes off my shoes before grabbing my hand and leading me off to the bathroom. I am not sure why he is making
me take a shower until I look in the mirror in horror. My face and hair are completely covered in dried blood; it looks like I have been in an accident. My eyes are puffy with black, tearstreaked lines dripping down my face. I look like I just walked out of a horror movie, hell I feel like I am in a horror movie.
Justin fixes the water and turns on the shower. “Are you ok or do you need help?”
“I can get undressed but can you come back and sit with me in here. I don’t want to be alone,” I ask him. My voice is small and unrecognizable. He agrees.
After Justin leaves the bathroom I strip off my clothes and step into the shower. The opaque shower curtain will allow some privacy so Justin can’t see me when he comes back in. I give him the all clear sign and I hear the door open and close alerting me that he is in the room. The hot water is soothing and I just stand underneath the stream and take a shaky deep breath trying to bring calmness to my body. I wash my hair with his shampoo and conditioner, I wash my body with his soap and all of his scents envelope me with a feeling of serenity. For the first time since the accident I can breath.
“Are you okay, Emma?” Justin asks in the saddest voice I have ever heard.
“For now. Thanks.”
“No worries. Its what Dom….it’s what Dominic would want me to do.” His voice cracks at the end and I quickly rinse myself off and turn off the water. I reach my hand from behind the curtain and Justin slips a towel in my hand. I get out of the shower wrapped in a fluffy white towel and see Justin leaning against the door trying to fight back the tears. He is trying to be strong for me, knowing that Dominic would want him to, but he lost his best friend and he should be able to grieve also.
I put out my hand and pull Justin toward me, holding him while he breaks down into a sobbing mess. He lost his friend. His friend that he has known far longer then I have. A friend he grew up with, and who he made a career with. Now it is my job to be his friend and help him though this just like he has helped me through all my shit with Glen. We will do this together. We will get through the next few days and beyond together, help each other move forward.
The doorbell breaks into the silence and Justin pulls back, wiping his tears before stepping out of the bathroom. I collect my bra and panties and go back to Dominic’s room to get changed. Once I am dressed and my hair is brushed I gather the rest of my clothes and walk downstairs into the kitchen. Familiar brown eyes hit me from across the room. Gabe is in front of me in seconds. He doesn’t say anything or try to touch me. He just searches my face to see if I am alright. I give him a curt nod and Justin hands me a plastic shopping bag for my clothes.
“Gabe, what are you doing here?” My voice is small and weak.
“Justin called me. He told me what happened so I had Luke drop me off. I didn’t think it was a good idea you drive back home alone.” He rubs his hand over my wet hair and rubs his thumb on the top of my forehead as if he is wiping something off. “Are you okay, Emma? You didn’t get hurt did you?”
“No. I’m fine,” I tell Gabe.
Oh, I got hurt alright. Just because my wounds are not visible to the naked eye, doesn’t mean they are not there.
I walk over to Justin and take a bottle of water he holds out for me. The cool liquid burns my sore, dry throat at first before bringing much needed relief.
“Emma, why don’t you let Gabe take you home. Nancy and Jason are on their way back. Jason tells me Nancy is not in a good place right now. The last thing you need is to see her breakdown,” Justin tells me as he pulls me into another hug. I nod into his chest.
I can’t take that right now, either. Watching Nancy fall to pieces will only make me fall to pieces and I have to be strong. The next few days are going to be hard on all of us and I need to be strong. Dominic would want me to be strong. I can take care of myself. I always have. I will just do as I always do and throw up another impenetrable wall and march on.
“Ok. Are you going to be alright?” I ask Justin. He gives me a tight smile that doesn’t’ reach his eyes.
“I’ll call you later. If you need anything, call me. I mean it, Emma. Anything at all.”
Justin and I hug one more time and I walk toward the front door and out of the house into the late afternoon sunshine. Dominic’s black sweatpants are a bit too big so I have to hold the legs up to walk. His t-shirt smells like him and it makes me a little sad. Wearing his clothes after showering with his products make me feel closer to him in some silly way.
I climb into my car with Gabe’s help and Gabe sits in the driver seat. When he pushes the button for the car to start, the sweet sound of Dominic’s voice fills the air as, Sweetness, plays over the radio. Gabe tries to turn it off quickly but I stop him. The words ring true to my soul as if he knew that this is what I needed to hear. The song he wrote for me has an even more profound meaning than when he wrote it originally.
All the nights we spent together, with the moonlight in your hair. It’s your face that I remember, but your kisses that I feel.
When I looked up you were gone, I didn’t get to say good-bye. I didn’t get to tell you,
I didn’t care about the lie.
I wanna taste you…I wanna feel you, Damn, I miss you…my Sweetness. Now here you are again,
my angel dressed in black.
I want to make you smile;
I want you to love me back.
You’re my vision of a future;
your kiss sutures my broken heeeaaarrrrtttttttt.
I can taste you…I can feel you, Damn, I missed you...my Sweetness. It’s getting late baby,
I don’t want to say good-bye.
The road is calling me angel;
I can’t even stay the night.
I will count the days ‘til I see your face again. Once last kiss for old times,
one last kiss before I gooooooooo….
I’ll wanna taste you…I’ll wanna feel you, Damn, I’ll miss you…
My Sweetness.
I close my eyes and listen to him tell me how much he will miss me when he is gone. Between the smell of his clothes and the sound of his voice I know he is here with me…always.
Epilogue The past few days are a blur. I have hid away in my room for days, listening to Dominic’s music and wanting to cry. But I can’t. I haven’t been able to cry since the day it happened. I can’t feel anything. That’s not entirely true. I feel empty. Like a piece of me is now missing. Like one of my limbs are gone, or something. But I am not sure empty is an emotion.
Wanda and Max have tried to talk to me and have even tried to get me to eat, but I can’t. I am so tired and numb, I can’t even feel the pain anymore. I just want to sleep, but every time I close my eyes I see the wreck happening on repeat.
Max has been staying over and has tried to lay with me and provide the comfort he used to when I had nightmares, but I couldn’t have him in my bed. It feels wrong to share my bed with another man so soon, even if it is only Max.
As I stand here looking at the hole in the ground, the hole that will be Dominic’s final resting place, I can feel my lower lip tremble for the first time in days. I blink a few times, finally registering what is happening around me. Rocco and Chris are sitting in the front row with, Nancy and Jason, as the priest in front of them says a final prayer. Justin and I stand off to the side and watch as the large crowd of people surrounds the display.
I don’t know what I would have done without Justin, today. He has been with me every step of the way, helping me in and out of cars, and holding onto me, silently waiting for me to fall apart. Directly across from me I see Gabe standing at attention, carefully watching my every move from behind his sunglasses. His lips thin and he hangs his head as the priest completes the service.
When the priest hands Nancy a single red rose to place upon her son’s casket she looses all sense of decency and throws herself over the white box. Jason and Chris are on her immediately, pulling her away as she yells to the heavens how unfair life is, and asking God why he took her bab
y boy. And that is when it finally dawns on me that this is it. This is actually happening.
I turn my head into Justin’s chest and cry for the first time in days. Not pretty crying either. Ugly, sobbing, gut wrenching cries. Rocco wraps his thick arms around me as Justin releases me to him. He rubs small circles with his palm on my back and whispers soothing words that I can’t hear through my clogged ears. I slightly open my blurred eyes to see that the crowd is thinning and people are returning to their cars.
“Do you want to say good-bye?” Rocco asks as he flattens my hair on the back of my head with his large palm.
I shake my head, no. “Sweetie, you have to. I’ll go with you. It will be okay. I’m right here with you.
“I can’t do it.”
Justin approaches us and for the first time I actually see him. His red, blotchy face is slightly hidden by a pair of aviator sunglasses. “Come on, Emm. We are all here for you. You can do this. You will never forgive yourself if you don’t,” Justin says as he hands me a single red rose to place upon his casket.
I glance around, quickly looking through the flower arrangements for what I am looking for. Next to the pearl white casket I see a flower arrangement made up of a guitar. The center of the guitar is made up of black magic roses and on top sits the one thing I am looking for.
I walk on shaky legs to the casket and remove the single yellow rose from the arrangement. Justin, Chris, and Rocco surround me like a protective wall as I kiss the casket and leave a bright red stamp of my lips behind. The sharp contrast of red on white is the only blemish on the shiny rectangular box. When I place the rose on the casket, I stand a bit straighter, willing myself to be brave.
“I love you, Dominic Ross. I will always love you.”
With Justin and Chris at my side and Rocco behind me, I feel for the first time in days, something real. Grief. And suddenly my heart actually hurts. It is an odd feeling, grief. It feels as though your body is eating itself from the inside out and you are helpless to stop it. It feels like a burning, deep within your gut that can’t be put out. It’s a feeling that is foreign to me. A feeling I have never had to experience before.
