by Dee Ellis
When I made a stop for a piss, some gas and plenty of caffeine, I wondered how far ahead of me she was. Wondered if she even took the same route. Maybe stopped at this same station. Then I considered she might not even be heading home. That filled me with searing panic. We had shared a lot in but in two months I hadn’t exactly learned everything about her.
This entire time I knew she’d held back parts of herself. Little parts that might seem insignificant if I didn’t want all of her. If I didn’t love her so fucking much that those little parts felt huge and important. I knew she had been hurt, had lost a lot of people in her life. It killed me that I had hurt her, even if it was while trying to protect her.
Charli was the strongest person I had ever known, next to my mom, and I knew she didn’t need that kind of protection. Really, I was protecting myself. Afraid the shameful parts of me that I held back would ruin how she saw me. Because the way Charli looked at me...it gave me life like nothing else before ever had. Not fucking randoms, not the job, not even my family.
Charli smoothed out all the rough, jagged parts of me that had always been seeking her. Much like I knew I filled up parts of her. The way I owned her both body and soul, how I knew what made her laugh or when to let her brood; my faith in her writing, in her work with the kids at the library. They were all parts of her that no one else had paid enough attention to before.
They were integral parts of Charli, the parts that made her work, that made her, her. I saw them and loved them all right away. Which was why she saw all the parts of me, even the bad parts and had loved me anyway. Lying to her about Ariel had been selfish because the truth hurt me more than Charli. Because Charli knew I was a different person once. A man I was so ashamed of I had not been able to share all of myself with her.
“You are so beautiful,” Charli had whispered one rainy Sunday while we laid in twisted sheets and messy pillows, “not just your handsome face or your body, though. You risk your life for others, because that’s what makes sense to you. You lived your life a certain way for a while even if it didn’t make sense. You embrace your mistakes, your flaws and that is why I’m so fucking crazy about you and you’re so goddamn beautiful. Mistakes, flaws, dirty past or not. You are a beautiful man, Cage Cooper.” It was one of the times I saw love in her stunning eyes, shining silver and bright up at me.
Fuck, I loved that woman. I couldn’t lose her. I knew it would be me fucking it up, but I never thought I’d let her run away. Not really. I thought the truth would come out the night after the pub. I could sense Charli realized something wasn’t right but we had a lot to drink and barely made it into the condo before I was inside her.
We fucked for hours, fast and hard then slow and lazy, my cock harder than it had ever been. I wanted to mark her perfect body as mine. I bit into her soft flesh, sucked marks at her tits and neck, her thighs. When her fingers raked down my back, her teeth at my chest, I knew she was doing the same. I came inside her until it was leaking onto my sheets, hoping to mark her as mine in the most primal way possible.
That next morning, she had been different. I had heard her talking with Maisie, her oldest brother Cash’s wife, about going home again. After the first time, when I had ignored the conversation like an idiot bird burying its’ head in the sand, I thought the subject had been dropped. I did not know why she wanted to go home suddenly; Charli seemed so happy here.
The library seemed to be her calling; I watched her not just with the mentor program kids, but with other regulars and students and she loved it. They loved her. When we weren’t wrapped up in each other or laughing on the couch over silly television, Charli was busy at her laptop, writing a novel that seemed to excite her. Sara adored her and her and my sisters had become very close very fast. Everything seemed too good to be true, so her wanting to go home made no sense.
Then again, Charli was smart, smarter than I could claim to be and I had to consider she knew something was going on. The text messages from Ariel had gotten excessive and filthy. Charli had to notice me being preoccupied with my phone, never wanting her to see them and think the wrong thing.
Ariel talked about the nights we had spent together two fucking years ago like they just happened. Again and again she offered to share my girl, lamenting how sexy Charli was and how hot it would be, the three of us.
Never once was I interested. Not just because I wanted nothing to do with Ariel. Truly because I was wildly possessive of Charli. No one got to taste her sweet pussy or know what she sounded like when she came. Only me.
Now I realized it was not Charli who had been distant, but me. I had been so afraid of her finding out about Ariel’s shit. Or about who I had been after Ariel had dicked me over, that I panicked. Instead of talking to her, telling her how much I loved her and didn’t want to hurt her, I shut down. Since the pub we didn’t talk the same, didn’t fuck the same; it was all full of desperation on my part.
Charli, of course, sensed it and grew softer, more yielding to my demands. I believe if I had asked to fuck her in front of Blake to prove she was mine, she might have agreed. Because Charli was intent on giving me what I needed. Complete ownership of her, as fucked up as it was, was something I needed. It was why I had integrated her into my life and mine into hers the way I had the past few weeks.
We were on a schedule that assured I saw her every morning and every afternoon, no matter my work schedule. Either I drove her to work, from my place or hers wherever we were at, or I met her for lunch and took her car. This meant, with winter fast approaching and her not yet adjusted to the cold, I picked her up every single day. Took her home and left her without a way to leave.
Not that I thought she would, Charli seemed content to write and kick around the house, maybe ready dinner, until I got home. When I could leave, either for a break or if I was done for the night, I came home to her. Best fucking feeling in the world, having that woman to go home to. Either we shared dinner or ordered in; we would talk and laugh about nothing at all.
If I had to leave, I fucked her rough and fast, so she felt me the rest of the night. If not, I spent the entire night making love to her. Suckling at her sweet pussy till she came as many times as she could stand.
Then I sunk inside her and spent the night basically the only way I ever wanted to be. With her pinned beneath me, her softness pressed close as I drove so deep in that tight heat that I forgot where she started and I ended. All night I showed her without words how bad my need was.
While it was always about how much I loved her, my fear of losing her, it had changed lately. Because with Ariel at my back and Blake with my girl every day, I was going fucking mad.
The two had gotten just what they wanted if they wanted me to crack and fuck up. I didn’t know what they really wanted and frankly I didn’t care, but I had let them fuck up my life. Fuck up the best thing to ever happen to me.
Now I was on the road towards the tiny Iowa town my girl had rushed back to, her already fragile heart shattered. Not because she believed I had done anything wrong. I knew better; I saw it in her eyes when I stepped into that room tonight.
No, Charli didn’t think I cheated or even considered it; all she cared about was that I lied. Sending Gigi a quick text, not caring what time it was because after the way I found her and Finn, I doubted she was sleeping, I asked her a paragraph full of questions.
Me: Why is it a lie that drove her home? Does it not matter that I just wanted to protect her? How do you know it’s a lie and I don’t? I mean not like lying is ever okay, but clearly it’s a hot button issue for my girl. Why didn’t you tell me? How serious are you about Finn?
Gigi: I know just because I asked; there were some lies in her past that drove her away from the people in her life. Girls tell each other things they might never share with their men. I know you wanted to protect her but lying is never the right way to do that, dear brother. Finn...I thought once I might be in love with him. Thought I might be enough to change him. I knew what he was like Cage, I
pursued him. He did everything he could to stop it, I thought because of you. Now....maybe he really is the loser piece of shit you said he is. Ouch, she was pissed. Which was also my fault because I turned on Finn out of anger over my own shit.
Me: We need to talk about Finn another time. He’s a guy, a young one, we both did dumb shit. Him more than me, yes. But...another time. If I can’t get her back.... what the fuck am I going to do, Gigi? I can’t even think about my life without her now. My chest went tight and the road got blurry because tears stung my eyes.
Gigi: You fight for her, Cage. No one fought for her; no one made her feel needed or loved before you. So you fight until you know there’s no fight left. Then fight a little more. Charli loves you, Cage. We all see it. Charli looks at you the way Gwen looks at Deacon. It’s so rare, don’t you fuck it up, dear brother! You don’t come back without her or so help me god! I laughed in the dark, empty blazer, swiping at my tears.
Damn right! I would fight for her even when she didn’t want to fight for me. I earned that; I made her want to walk away by breaking the one rule I didn’t even know she had.
That was my fault too. I barreled my way into her life, telling her less than twenty-four hours after meeting her that I was her future. That she was mine. Well, now it was time I proved I meant those words even if I didn’t know it then.
Charli was mine; my girl, my future, the great love of my life.
1
Morning had been dawning for awhile now and coffee had me still on the road, but just barely. I was exhausted, starving and making good time. Somehow I had cut two hours off the six-hour trip from Chicago to her tiny hometown of Sumner. Charli spoke often of back home, but not longingly as if she wanted to go back.
Instead she spoke of the tiny town, with just around two-thousand people, with mild disdain. They never wanted her to move on after her fiancé died. For Christ’s sake, she was barely twenty-one when he died, but to hear her tell the story, the people of her town expected her to live the life of a widow.
The first time my girl lied to me was when she told me the story about her fiancé. Lying might not be exactly what she called protecting whatever secret the two shared. I saw it in her eyes; they were shuttered to me then but never again since.
Not till last night when I watched her pull those shutters back over her piece by piece. Like she needed to protect herself from me. Last night maybe she thought that, but I’d never let her close herself off to me like that again. When I got to her, we were coming clean once and for all.
As I rolled into the sleepy town that looked as shuttered as Charli had those first days, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Somewhere in this tiny, quaint town, my girl was hurting because I had broken her rules. Broken her trust. I would do anything she asked of me to fix it. To have her look at me the way she had before last night. The look on her face when I walked into that room, her bags packed, cut me deeper than anything I’d ever felt.
I put that pain in her beautiful eyes, betrayed her trust and made her want to run. I was here to fight and I had no intentions of leaving this little town without her. In fact, I’d move my ass here if that’s what it took.
Thankfully I had been smart enough to find her address before tearing off into the night. I was on the very outskirts of the small town when I reached her place. It was a sprawling ranch style home set back on a hill with sloping fields of crops on all sides. Charli said her father had once aspired to be a farmer, but had abandoned that too.
The huge house and farm had been left up to her to look after, yet another reason I wanted to throttle her worthless father. Charli’s mom passed when she was still a teenager and still had the world waiting for her to explore. Instead she was shackled to this town, this farm and the bakery that had been her mom’s dream.
Charli loved to cook; or at the very least, she seemed to love to cook for me. Another reason I loved her. Anything to please her man. What she didn’t love so much was to bake. I’d teased her about cupcakes once and she had burst into tears. It was her mom’s love, not hers but leaving the shop had been difficult for her.
I knew that and hoped what she said about her sister-in-law’s wanting to re-open it was true. Made her middle of the night escape hurt a little less; I wish she had cursed me or we had a knock-down drag out instead, but running was what she knew. Her sisters had unknowingly given her an excuse to leave me.
Not that my bullshit attempts to protect her, to protect us both, hadn’t been reason enough. It was just after seven am and the house was dark, except for a row of lights on the front porch. For a moment I surveyed the land, noting that after the army, her brothers had become damn good farmers.
Tall rows of corn went on until one hill slopped off toward the horizon on one side of the house. On the other low rows of thick crops of wheat looked ready to be harvested. In paddocks directly on either side of the house were free range chickens and a handful of cows. It looked just like a Grant Wood painting and I wondered how Charli could hate this place.
For longer than I was proud of, I sat on the road that turned into her place. That truck of hers I’d thought was so sexy for reasons I didn’t understand, sat parked on the gravel drive. Seeing it did lots of things to me. The panic I had felt since waking up with her gone slowed then changed; became panic at how she would react knowing I kept my word and chased her. Even after she asked me not to.
I felt relief that she was in one piece and guilt because I doubted she really was in the same pieces I had found her in last night. My eyes fell to the book that rode shot gun as I raced after her. When I found it sitting on the kitchen counter last night, I knew there would be words inside it, ones that would hurt. I had saved them for now.
Cage,
Once I asked you to follow me even if I tried to fuck this up. I begged you to, really. But please, don’t. All of this is too much for me. Too much all at once. I never thought I had to tell you not to lie to me. I figured that was kind of something lovers know. It hurt to find out about dirty details of your past, but that’s not why I ran. Even finding out about Ariel is not why I ran, Cage. I could have handled Ariel. If you had told me the truth. I don’t even believe you cheated on me, Cage; not now. I did at first. I don’t even know why, no one suggested as such, not even Stiles. It’s just the way the pieces fit.
That is why I ran, Cage. Because you let me try to piece together parts of a lie that no matter what would hurt me. Either you cheated on me. Which I can’t forgive. Or worse, you used me to win back Ariel. Something I would never forgive, although in that scenario you wouldn’t care would you? The truth of the matter is you lied to me; you kept something that could hurt me hidden, doubling the painful blows the truth dealt me.
I trusted you, Cage. More than anyone else. More than I thought I should. I gave more of myself to you than I thought I could. You don’t know the truth about Tucker and now you never will, but what I shared with him was nowhere near the volume of what I shared with you. I gave you more in less than two months than I gave Tucker in years of my life. For you to consider what I risked so little that lying seemed an option breaks my heart. Breaks my fucking heart.
Goodbye, Cage. Don’t chase me I will just keep running.
The words wobbled and blurred on the page because my eyes flooded with pain once again. Fuck that. Fuck breaking my promise and hurting her more. I would chase her no matter how far she ran or how fast. I was going nowhere without her.
Not only could I not live with that outcome, I didn’t think I could go back home without her. I couldn’t go back to that cottage or my condo without her there. My life was altered because of her and I’d be damned if I let one mistake take her away. Charli was my life now and I was here to prove it, no matter how long it took.
1
After the sun settled high in the sky and I had a few moments to rest, I pulled into the drive. I was terrified. I knew my girl was in that house, in pain and I was terrified. I couldn’t fuck this up again. Climbing from
the truck, I stretched and ran a hand over my scruffy face. My hair was a mess and my clothes rumpled, but I didn’t care.
I just needed to find the right words; Charli wouldn’t care about the rest. Taking a heavy breath that made my lungs ache, I crossed the yard towards the porch. It was still early but I couldn’t wait any more. I had to see her, to let her know I kept at least one promise.
My hand was not steady when it rose to knock at the heavy oak door. It’s glass inlay reminded me of all the times I saw her standing in the sun, the stain glass windows of the library making her look like a fucking angel. My angel.
Charli was mine and I had to prove that to her once and for all. My knock was light because I was so nervous so I had to try again, my breath tightening when I saw movement behind the colored glass. I couldn’t breathe as the door swung open and sunlight spilled into the dark house. Nothing felt right and I realized quickly why; Charli did not answer the door but I realized right away who it was.
“Maisie,” I saw photos of the twins her brothers had married at the cottage, “you don’t know me but...” Blond curls bounced as her head whirled back before she shoved me out onto the porch.
“Oh yes I do, handsome. Quiet, Charli is in the kitchen,” My eyes shot up as she closed the door behind her and stepped out with me, “you got some balls, good looking; her hulking and lethally trained brothers are in there too. You here to mend fences and bring your lady home?” My shoulders straightened and I nodded, looking past her into the house.
“Yes, I am actually. I need to talk to her. Need to explain and apologize and....fix this. Is....is she okay?” My eyes swung back to her pretty blue ones, gauging how much of an ally she might be.
“No, dick she is not okay! Charli is fucking crushed and I kind of want to sick Cash and Colton on you right now,” I would take the beating and I think Maisie saw that so she smirked, “something tells me that might just help your case though, handsome. You got twenty seconds to convince me not to let them stomp you within an inch of your life, Cage Cooper. Go.” I liked her immediately, mostly because I saw how much she loved Charli and so I kind of loved her. That is not what I said.
