"What?" I mumbled irritably. My head hurt and I just wanted to go back to sleep, so I could forget about everything.
"Are you going to tell me what happened yesterday?" he asked softly as he looked at me with deep worry lines on his face. I really didn't want to talk about it yet. It was still too raw, but Ford deserved to know.
"Can I take a shower first?" I mumbled. I wanted to put it off for a little longer. "I feel disgusting."
"Alright," he nodded. He was frowning deeply, his eyes filled with concern. "I'll make you some breakfast, and then you're going to tell me everything." His tone was firm and uncompromising.
"Okay." I nodded. Maybe talking would help, but I doubted it.
"There are clean towels on the shelf in there." He nodded toward the open door to his bathroom. "I'll be in the kitchen." He patted my hand, then rose and left the room, closing the door behind him.
I sat up and felt the room spin for a few moments before I could get up. I went into the bathroom and undressed. I turned on the shower and got in. I washed myself slowly, pretending that the tears pouring out of me were mere water from the shower. When I was clean, a sank down to the floor and cried again for a while.
My heart was broken, splintered apart into oblivion. And now I was expected to have a baby and be someone's mother all by myself. How did I let this happen to me? How was I going to get through this all alone? I was so angry at David, yet I still missed him and loved him. How fucked up was that? My poor baby didn't stand a chance. Maybe I should put him or her up for adoption, but that thought nearly destroyed me. I wanted this baby more than anything now. It was all that I had left of the love that David and I shared.
I startled when there was a knock on the bathroom door.
"Natie?!" Ford called out from the other side of the door. "Are you okay?!"
"I'm fine," I yelled immediately, trying to sound like I wasn't crying. "I'm almost done."
"I left you one of my sweatshirts on the bed, and some drawstring pants if you can roll them up and make them fit," he yelled again. "I've got some eggs for you too."
"Okay," I answered, remembering all the times David had made eggs for me. It took all my effort not to start sobbing again.
"I called your work too. I told them you were staying home sick today, so don't worry. You can stay here all day if you want to."
"Thanks, Ford." I smiled wanly. I could always count on Ford to look out for me. "I'll be out shortly."
I stood and got out of the shower reluctantly. I didn't want to talk about what happened, even if it was with Ford. I felt like a failure. I dried off and brushed my wet hair, then pulled it into a ponytail again. I didn't give a shit what it looked like at this point. I walked out of the bathroom and found the clothes Ford left out for me. The sweatshirt was huge, but it smelled like my big brother, and it made me feel a little better. I had to roll the pants up and tie the drawstring unbelievably tight, so they would stay up. However, I was comfortable and that was enough for me.
When I walked out to the living room, I could hear music playing and Ford singing along off key in the kitchen. I smiled and crossed the room, fully intending to razz my brother about his lack of musical talent. I stopped in the kitchen doorway, and the world seemed to tilt around me as my vision suddenly narrowed down to a tunnel focused on my brother's worried face.
"Natie?" I heard him ask, but he sounded muffled and far away. I opened my mouth to speak, but it was too late as the floor rushed up to meet me and everything went black.
Chapter Eight
David
"I'm the biggest fucking piece of shit on earth," I told Syd when she answered her door.
"Well, that seems a bit harsh, don't you think?" she replied with a smirk.
"You don't know what I've done," I said in a bitter self-loathing voice that startled even me. Her eyes widened, all humor disappearing from her face.
I had just come from Natalie's apartment. I rushed over there after work to try to salvage our hemorrhaging relationship, but she wasn't home. I figured she had probably gone to her brother's place, and I didn't dare to follow her there. More than likely, Ford was going to kick my ass for how I had treated his sister, and even though I fucking deserved it, I was too much of a coward to let it happen willingly. So here I was at Syd and Jensen's condo, hoping one of them had some idea how to fix what I had done to Natalie. I had a bad feeling that there was no way to do that, but I was unwilling to give up just yet.
I should have followed her back into work after what I said, but the look of loathing and disgust that she gave me had leveled me. I stood in utter shock and horror as she walked away from me. I stayed that way for several long minutes before I finally shook myself out of it and left, feeling like a beaten dog with its tail between its legs. I went back to work, thinking that giving her some space would help, but who was I kidding? This was the worse thing I had ever done to anyone, and I did it to the love of my life. How fucked up was that? How fucked up was I? I was so worried that she was going to leave me, that I chased her away myself, like some fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy. I'd never forget that look on her face for the rest of my life.
I followed Sydney up to the kitchen where the smell of cooking food did nothing but turn my stomach.
"Are you hungry?" she asked as she walked to the fridge.
"No," I said quietly.
"Do you want a beer?"
"Oh God, yes." I said as I slumped down in a chair at the kitchen table. I put an elbow on the tabletop and covered my face with my hand. Maybe it would take the edge off, but I doubted anything could do that at this point. It was worth a shot though. Maybe I'd go home after this and get plastered.
I heard the bottle slide across the table as Syd put it in front of me. I grabbed the bottle and tilted it back with my eyes closed, guzzling it down like water. By the time I lowered the bottle, most of it was gone and there was dead silence in the room. I looked around and realized that Jensen and Syd were both staring at me like I was a crazy person, with wide eyes and shocked faces. Jensen was standing in the doorway. He must have just walked in. Syd was still next to the table as she continued staring at me.
"What?" I asked irritably. "Like you've never seen me fucking drink before?"
"That's not fucking drinking, brother," Jensen said softly as he slowly walked the rest of the way into the room, eying me closely. "That's trying to find oblivion, and I should know."
I startled guiltily. I had a sudden vision of Jensen's lifeless body as I dragged him out of his running Camaro in the garage of this very condo last summer. He had tried to drink himself into oblivion when Syd had left him, then attempted to commit suicide when that didn't work. Suddenly, the very idea of getting plastered practically turned my stomach. I shoved the beer away with a shudder. What the hell was I doing?
"David," Syd said gently as she sat next to me and put her hand on top of mine. "What happened?"
I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh. "I've destroyed any chance I have of ever being happy again," I said as Natalie's heartbroken face flashing behind my eyes. My stomach twisted inside me.
"You couldn't have done anything that bad, brother," Jensen said as I opened my eyes and watched him sit across from me at the table with a dubious expression.
I let out a bitter laugh. "Well, I guess you think entirely too highly of me. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm a fucking monster."
"David," Syd said as she frowned at me. "Don't say things like that. You know it's not true."
"Ha!" I blurted out acerbically, as I shook my head. "You're not the one who implied that the mother of your unborn child went to an abortion clinic behind your back."
Syd gasped in surprise as she jerked back in her chair. Jensen's mouth hung open in shock.
"You see?" I told Jensen as I motioned toward Syd. "Even my best friend thinks I'm a monster now."
"I don't think you're a monster, David," Syd said quietly. "But I am really worried about you. What th
e hell happened?"
I told them everything; about Natalie being unhappy with me, how I tried to do everything I could to change that by taking care of her and making sure she was taking care of herself, but nothing I did made her happy. I told them about my rift with my sister. I even explained my horrible realization about my father at Diana's house and how I felt like a failure of a man. I told them that Natalie seemed to be pulling away from me, and how she ignored all my texts and calls today. I was embarrassed when I told them how I treated her at her work today, and the horrible thing that I said to her, but I left nothing out.
"Then she...she looked at me like I was some kind of monster," I said despondently. "She wasn't home when I went to grovel for her forgiveness, so I came here. I don't know what to do. If I can't make this right, if...if I can't get her to forgive me, I don't know what I'll do. I...I can't breathe without her. She's my life, my everything." I covered my eyes with my hand and started to tremble. I was starting to think that I was losing my damn mind. I was an emotional mess.
"She's right, you know," Syd announced after several long moments of silence.
"What?" I jerked my head up and stared at her in surprise, thinking she really did think I was a monster.
"You smothered her, David," she clarified. "You treated her like a child, like she wasn't capable of taking care of herself. Don't you see that? That's not taking care of her. Did you even ask her how she felt or what she needed from you?"
"No," I whispered. "But she was crying all the time and seemed so miserable. I just figured that she didn't want my baby, and I was afraid to ask in case that was true. I thought I could prove to her that I was good enough to be a father, that I could take care of them like I'm supposed to." I let out a bone deep sigh and shook my head at my own idiocy. "I fucked up, didn't I? I was right. I am a failure as a man. I don't have the first fucking clue how to be a father or a husband. I don't know why I thought I could be either for Natalie. No wonder Paige didn't want me." I covered my face with both hands as utter hopelessness engulfed me.
I looked up as I felt Jensen's hand come to rest on my shoulder.
"David," he said softly with sympathy in his eyes. "Listen to me. A good father doesn't have to take care of everything or be perfect. He just has to listen and be there for his family. The very things that you did for Sydney and me when we needed your help."
"But I didn't do either of those things for Natalie," I replied as I shook my head. "I didn't ask her how she felt or what she wanted. I wasn't there for her when she needed me most. I treated her like shit, and now I'm left with nothing." I felt tears start to drip down my face. "I just wanted a family with her. I wanted to be a father for our baby so badly, but what the fuck do I know? Everything I've done has made things worse. How could I be a father to anyone when my own father didn't even want me?"
"David," Syd said softly. "Why do you always expect perfection from yourself? Then you beat yourself up when it doesn't work. You measure yourself up to this standard that you can't meet. You need to stop, or you'll never be happy."
"You're right, Syd," I said vehemently as I wiped tears from my chin. "Why expect perfection at all? I'm always going to be alone, so what's the point of even trying anymore? I'm never going to be happy. Never. It's just not in the cards for me. Why should I chase after something that I can never have?"
"You know that's not what I meant, David," she said with a deep frown. She reached out and touched my hand.
"I have to go," I blurted out as I pulled away from her sympathetic touch and stood up. I didn't want anyone's sympathy right now. I didn't want trite reassurances that weren't going to help me at all. I was starting to think that nothing could help me now. I started to leave the room when Jensen spoke.
"What are you going to do?"
I turned back to face both their concern filled faces.
"Hope to God that Natalie will still let me a part of my baby's life after what I've done," I said quietly, then turned and walked out. I didn't expect her to forgive me. How could I? Especially, since I didn't think that I would ever be able to forgive myself.
***********
I awoke the next morning to the sound of loud purring, and realized that George had wrapped his massive frame around my head sometime in the night. He had been all over me since I got home from Jensen and Sydney's condo last night. When I sat despondent and staring off at nothing on the couch for what felt like hours after that, George had climbed up on my lap and tried desperately to cheer me up. He chirped and butted his big furry head against my hands over and over again, until I started absently petting him. Then he curled up on my lap and stayed there the entire time.
When I finally went to bed, he crawled onto my chest, and I could feel him staring at me in the dark as his heavy purring slowly lulled me into a restless sleep that I didn't think would be possible. I was grateful for his comforting presence, even if he made me miss Natalie that much more. I would miss him when Natalie took him back home with her after the baby was born. An aching pain throbbed in my chest at that thought. I'd just be one of those every other weekend fathers who didn't even get to live in the same house as their kid. I was going to miss so much of my son or daughter's life that way. The pain in my heart intensified. I felt like crying again, but stuffed it down with an effort of will.
George chirped and started rubbing his face against my chin, his soft fur catching on my beard. I gave him a few good scratches on his head then finally climbed out of bed. I moved to my dresser and opened it to get my running clothes out, but paused when I realized that I didn't want to go for a run at all. I didn't even have it in me to care, so I went to the bathroom and took a shower instead.
When I came out of the bathroom to get dressed, I was seriously considering calling in sick to work. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage anything in the state I was in, let alone trying to help my patients today. Of course, if I stayed home, I knew I was just going to sit around wallowing in self-pity. With a heavy sigh, I decided to get dressed for work.
I made myself some eggs, but ended up giving most of it to George, who begged shamelessly with his feet on my thigh as I sat at the table picking at my food. I left for work not long after that, deciding that going in early was preferable to sitting and staring off into space in my living room again.
I threw myself into work with everything that I had, desperate not to dwell on the mess I'd made of everything with Natalie. She probably wished that she had never met me. I took my break early around nine, since I started working earlier then normal. I was the only one in the break room, sitting alone and sipping at my coffee absently. I was wondering what I was going to say to Natalie when she was willing to talk to me again. I would wait until she contacted me first. I didn't want to nag her or piss her off again. She was under enough stress already.
Suddenly, my phone started vibrating in my pocket. I pulled it out and stared in disbelief at Natalie's name on the screen. I decided that groveling was my only viable option at this point.
"Natalie, sweetheart," I said sincerely after answering. "I'm so sorry."
"This is Ford," Natalie's brother's deep rumbling voice spoke. I could hear real fear in his tone, and a sudden dread surged up inside me.
"What's wrong?" I asked urgently. "Is Natalie okay?"
"I don't know." He sounded freaked out, which was unlike him. "I just brought Natalie to the ER." I was already up and hurrying down the hall toward the elevators. "She passed out in my kitchen this morning and cut her head open."
"Which room?" I barked out as terror spiked inside me. He told me the room number hastily. "I'm already here at work. I'll be right down." I ended the call and was already slamming my hand against the down button to the elevator. I shoved my phone back into my pocket as I waited impatiently for a moment.
"Fuck it," I growled as I turned and headed for the stairs. I hurried downstairs as fast as I could, pushing the door on the first floor open so hard that it banged against the wall as I bu
rst out of the stairwell. Within moments, I was striding through the ER doors. I spotted Ford pacing outside Natalie's room and rushed over to him.
"Ford!" I called out. He turned to face me with a look of relief on his face. "What's going on?"
"The nurse is helping her into a gown right now," he said as he ran a hand through his hair nervously. "The doctor hasn't been in yet. There was so much blood, David. It freaked me the hell out."
"Head wounds bleed a lot," I told him reassuringly, trying to keep myself calm as much as him. "They're usually not as bad as they seem."
"She looks really pale, David," he said worriedly. "I'm really worried about her. What the hell happened yesterday? She came to my shop hysterical and crying. She wouldn't tell me what happened, and then she forbid me to call you when I brought her in here. Did you fucking dump her?" His eyes narrowed threateningly at me.
"No," I whispered. "She dumped me."
"What?" he asked incredulously. "Why?"
"Because I'm a piece of shit that's not good enough for her." I stared at the floor in shame.
"Why would you say that?" Ford asked incredulously. "You're the first man who has ever treated my sister like she deserved."
"She's been so miserable and unhappy that I didn't think she wanted me or our baby anymore." I met his eyes. "I said some things, horrible things, that I can't take back, because I let my temper get the better of me."
"She never told you, did she?" Ford asked me softly.
"Told me what?" I asked in confusion.
"She's terrified," he explained with a frown. "She thinks she'll be a terrible mother because of our Mom's craziness. She's afraid that you'll both end up hating each other like our parents did. She thinks that she's going to mess up her kid. She didn't tell you because she didn't want to let you down, or have you think she didn't want the baby."
"Oh my God," I breathed out in sudden realization. I was so caught up in my own messed up thoughts and assumptions, that I didn't pay any attention to what she really needed from me. I had assumed the very thing she didn't want me to think. This made what I said to her even more unforgivable. I reached up and grabbed my hair in my fists, feeling horrified with myself.
You Are My Life: Breathless Book 3 Page 15
