"You know what I really want? I want someone to rescue me."
"We all expect rescue. But sometimes we don’t recognize it when it comes. What you are experiencing right now is a fallback to your old self. You received the spiritual input to master your problem when you agreed to face your death by entering the coffin, but the input you received is like a tape that’s stored up. As time goes by, it will start to play out. Until then, we still have to work on the old you."
"I learned nothing in that coffin."
"You learned the most important lesson there is," Black said. "You learned that you still have the will to live. That’s why you screamed in the coffin, and thrashed around in it until you forced the lid open. That’s why you know you can’t take your own life, or allow someone else to take it without a fight."
"Why didn’t the lid open right away?"
"Because I came back in and held it shut."
"You bitch. I needed air. It wasn’t me screaming. It was only my body responding."
"Exactly. And you are your body. That was you screaming for your life. Because you want to live. At the core of your being, your will to live is very strong."
"Oh, yeh. You’re right. I did want to live. Badly. But I’m disappointed that I’m still so scared of everything after all these cruel exercises."
Black stared deeply into her eyes. "Jackie. You’re not going to magically recover. It may take years. The damage may never be fully repaired. But at least now you know that you’re strong enough to face the months and years ahead."
"No! I’m going to get well. And it’s going to be soon! I’m going to be as before!"
"No, you’re not going to be as before. You’ll be different. Your old self is already dead. What remains to be seen is who you become. You have tried all your life to be perfect, so when imperfection entered your world in the form of Bout, you now blame yourself, as though the evil was caused by some failure on your part. This has caused a lot of guilt, a force so powerful it produced within you an unquenchable wellspring of anger, which, of course, you are now turning on yourself. You are demanding of your own self that it erase all feelings and memories associated with the horror of your assault. You’ve even tried to erase your sexuality, and you were surprised to find it still alive when you went for the massage."
"You’re right. I was angry at myself. While lying in the hospital bed I had time to examine my life. I realized my life before the attack was a lousy life. It was a life not worth returning to. After Bout, I was left with nothing, my former personality had been erased and I realized forty-eight years of living hadn’t amounted to a blasted thing. I’d wasted it all."
"You’ve got a lot of guilt. What you’re saying is, you blame yourself for not knowing how to live life. A big load to carry. That’s what we are going to be working on for a long time to come. The good news is that your conscience is functioning again. It's building a bridge between your truer self and God. The real you is starting to emerge."
"Maybe you're right. Maybe I am ready to try life again. While I was in your coffin, I began to understand Bout didn’t kill me. He failed. He’s the loser, not me. I finally understood I’m still alive. As pathetic as my life is, it’s my life, and it’s worth a lot more than I gave it credit for. I think I want to build a new life, but the problem is, I don’t know how."
"It’s going to take time. Believe me, I know. I’m still working every day on mine."
"But where do I even start?"
"You start by respecting the damaged area. By accepting that it’s there, and that just because it’s there doesn’t mean your life has no value. You start by understanding that you must face the evil which has lodged itself in you. You must face it a hundred times a day and beat it back. Then it will begin to leave."
"Okay. I’ll try and respect the damage. And I’ll try and adjust to the notion that I’m going to be screwed up for years. Anything else?"
Black laughed. "We’re going to start by throwing a party," Black said. "Today is Wednesday. I want you to call the people most important to you and invite them to a party on Friday morning. We’re going to have balloons, food, champagne, cake, music, and the works. We’re going to celebrate the start of your new life!"
"I think I’m going to cry. That’s the most beautiful thing anybody’s ever said to me."
"You should celebrate. You’re a beautiful person. You’ve come to terms with what life’s all about."
"Which is?"
"There’s that old Japanese saying. You only live twice. The first time is when you are born. The second time when you look death in the face. A meaningful life is a life lived in the face of death. A near-death experience is a kind of baptism. It’s actually a promotion. A gift that leads to true life. Death is actually what makes life so precious."
"You act like I’m one of the fortunate ones."
"You are. Most people are unconscious from the day they born until the day they die. You have been chosen for something greater."
"I know for certain one day I’ll die," Jackie said, "but until then my job is to make my life worth living, not only for myself, but so I can help others—especially Donna."
"And with the help of the people who love you," Black said, "your life will unfold into something beautiful beyond your dreams. So tell me, are you going to pick Bout out of the lineup today?"
"I think so. I keep going back and forth. I’m going to decide for real when I see Johnson."
"A final instruction, if you will. You need to rediscover religion in your life."
"That’s a tall order. Seeing as how I probably do not want to ever speak to God again."
"What religion were you raised in?"
"Catholic. But I’ve been away too long. I can’t go back."
"You might try again. At least you’re familiar with it. It might help you begin uncovering the graces you received during your assault."
"Graces received during my assault?"
"Evil does not exist in a vacuum. It is always accompanied by a greater good. It may be hard for you to grasp, but the basis of all healing is the belief that the universe is basically good, in spite of appearances to the contrary. Somewhere, deep down inside of you, hidden away, are the graces you received in your soul at the same time you received the marks of evil."
"Dr. Black, inside myself, there is only darkness. All that remains are my fears and my desire to get revenge on Viktor Bout. I just don’t have any religion left in me. I have awakened in the night many times after the dream, soaking in sweat, and I have cursed God with all my might at those times."
"Then make that your starting point when you reconnect to your religion."
"My spiritual journey starts with me cursing God?"
"What? God can’t handle a little trash talk? He's a big boy. He's a professional. Besides, that’s where everybody’s journey starts. You don’t think Adam maybe cursed God just a tad when he was thrown from the Garden into the field of thorns?"
"Dr. Black, what is your real name?"
Black looked at her and then away. "My name is Karen Qumayousie," she said. "Then something terrible happened to me as a young girl, and I changed my name to Black. Black is not a color. It is the absence of color. But Black also contains all the colors within itself. That's how I see myself. I contain all the colors, especially when things turn black."
Jackie looked around her, at the place where she nearly lost her life, at the proud oasis of Gelson’s at the foot of the Santa Monica mountains, with it’s tall green hedges of oleanders and vines, its magnificent patio covered in smoked glass, the bright-orange brick facing with its foam-white trim, at the flow of living souls moving within and without the great, colorful organism.
"You know," Jackie said, "I can’t tell you how hard it is to hear what you’re saying right now. If you were to ask me an hour from now what you just said, I couldn't tell you. But somehow some part of me is hearing you. But in spite of that, I suddenly feel very glad to be alive. I’m going to take it on faith th
at something good is waiting for me beyond my pain. Although it will take a miracle to bring life to my dead insides."
"Just don't fight it. This is only your first few days," Black replied. "You’ve got a lot of balls up in the air. It won’t come together all at once. Sometimes you’ll be moving forward, and sometimes it will seem like you’re back where you started. But it’s all taking you to your destiny in a universe filled with love. Religion is part of that universe. Think of your soul as a burning flame. It needs a place to burn safely. Religion is the fireplace where your soul can burn without destroying your house."
They shared the moment in silence, comforted and cushioned from the outside world by the spacious chamber of the Suburban, its heavy leather-on-metal surroundings a comfort to the body, it’s weaponry in the glove box a comfort to the mind, it’s powerful engine a comfort to the soul and spirit.
"Dr. Black, when I invite the people to my party, where shall I tell them to come?"
"Tell them to join us in the Gelson’s parking lot. We’re going to celebrate your new life on the very spot where you lost your old one."
Chapter 27
Johnson picked up the phone. "Johnson."
"It’s me," Jackie said. "There was a delivery guy at my doorstep this morning with flowers and a pound bag of Jamaican blue, but no card."
"Is there any doubt who sent it? You no longer have a favorite place, but you can still have a favorite coffee."
"Thank you, Johnson. That was very sweet. If you are trying to buy my affections, it’s working great. But there is more you can do."
"Such as?"
"You promised to help me learn to use a gun."
"We’re still on? I wasn’t sure after last night."
"Johnson, stop being the center of the universe. Just because you didn’t get laid after a first date which ended in a criminal threat to my life, you think the world has ended. Of course we’re still on. Although I don’t know if I’m really ready for anything with you. I avoided telling my shrink about you. Well, I mentioned you, but in no great detail."
"Why not?"
"I started to tell her about our date, but I just said that I had dinner with a cop. I didn’t dress it up any. And as for why not, for one thing, the woman is like a psychic fire hose. She just blasts away at me until there is nothing left. I’ve given her so much in so short a time period, maybe I just want to keep something for myself. Something private that won’t be messed with."
"Kind of like I’m the bad boy you don’t want Mommy to know about?"
"Kind of. It’s like I really don’t want anybody to know. Maybe I don’t even want myself to know. But forget about that for now. What about the gun?"
"I need to give you at least one lesson. The truth is, you should take a course requiring you to learn the law, and combat techniques, and proficiency. I would normally expect you to fire over a thousand rounds before I thought you had even a perfunctory knowledge of the handgun. But to hell with that."
"There’s just no time for that," she said.
"Very true. So we’ll at least have one lesson today. Although plan on having many more."
"Good. Meanwhile, I’ve got some good news."
"We can always use that around here."
"The good news is I’m through being the perfect victim. I’m dropping that gig. I’ve decided instead to be an amazing person. No matter how many flashbacks I have."
"You’re amazing me right now."
"I’ll show you amazing," Jackie said. "Amazing is, I’m speaking to you from right outside your office."
"I know," he said.
"Yeah. My cop shadow told you. But did he tell you Bienenfeld loaned me his limousine? He said I shouldn’t drive the Lexus, because Bout’s buddies have seen it, but if I took the limo, Bout’s friends couldn’t recognize me even if they had my usual places staked out."
"Bout lost a few teeth this morning," Johnson said. "Not because of me. He slipped and landed on his face in the toilet in his cell."
"Right."
"I’m coming down. I’ll be on the sidewalk in ten seconds," Johnson said.
"Not so fast. I’m coming up. I’ve got a present I want to deliver."
She disembarked the limo and entered the building, signing in and clipping on the badge.
"I never really noticed those plaques on the wall before," she said to the desk officer. "Those are the officers who lost their lives in the line of duty, aren’t they?"
"Yes ma’am."
"Johnson tells me Heinz’ owner lost his life in the line of duty. Is his name on the wall?"
"No," the officer said. "That would be Jack Visio, who lost his life in pursuit of a felon in the Devonshire Division. His plaque would be down at Metro, where the K-9 Platoon is stationed."
Jackie wondered if Visio’s widow now had some kind of mental disorder. She wondered just how many damaged, hurting women there were in the world. Putting the thought aside, she climbed the stairs and found her way to Johnson’s corner office. She realized there was more than the usual amount of heads poking above the cubicles on the main floor—heads staring in her direction.
She recognized what she saw in the men’s faces. It was something she hadn’t seen for a long time. Their eager appraisal drenched her insides like a soft spring rain. It’s me, she thought. They are looking at me. She stood in the doorway. Johnson was on the phone, his eyes down. She struck a pose and glanced back. All eyes were still upon her. She looked at Johnson, noticing that even he had on a new shirt, a little frayed around the collar, but what used to be a nice one. It also appeared he’d gotten a much-needed haircut.
"I can see I’ve done and said a number of things you don’t like," he said to whoever it was on the other end of the phone. Looking up, he glanced at Jackie and made a ridiculous clown face. "Okay," he continued. "I’m sorry you feel that way. I understand. Sometimes differences come up between two people that can’t be resolved. Good-bye." He hung up and waved her to a chair. "My ex-wife’s lawyer. The guy’s going to have a bad fall from a roof one morning and give a whole new meaning to the phrase terminal velocity."
"Ex-wife? You never told me you were married before."
"I’m sorry. I should have said something."
"Johnson, I thought I knew you! I can’t believe this! You just took my trust and threw it right out the window."
"I hate myself," he said. "I was trying to figure out how to tell you. First of all, I never really thought you and I would become an item. And when things started to develop, I panicked. I was afraid if you knew I was finalizing a divorce that you’d throw me under the bus."
"What else aren’t you telling me? Do you have kids?"
"A daughter. But she’s married and lives in Phoenix. And she hates me."
"Johnson, I could kill you. We hardly know each other and you’re already keeping secrets!" She fumbled in her purse and came out with her vial of pills. "Excuse me," she said. "But you have totally upset me. And at least this is better than vodka."
"I’m sorry. It’s not something I’m terribly proud of. I was afraid you wouldn’t want me with all my baggage. My marital situation has been very painful the past two years. But it’s just about over."
"I am trying," she said, "with all my might, to stay in the room with you right now. And whether I continue to do so depends on two questions, and you better not lie, because this time I will know."
"I’ll tell you anything you want to know," he said.
"Question one. Why did you leave your wife?"
He sighed and looked down. "That’s a tough one," he said. "There is really no easy answer. The truth is, I was married to the job. A couple of years back, when my daughter got married and moved out, my wife told me it was over. She hit me with it right out of the blue. She told me that she’d kept the marriage together all those years for the sake of our daughter. She asked me to move out."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that. No counseling, no trial separation, noth
ing. So I did, and she seemed content with that. But six months ago, she told me she met somebody else and had me served."
"Second question," Jackie said. "Why me? Why haven’t you found somebody else? You’ve had two years to dig up somebody whose not too picky."
"Over the past two years I’ve been in a fog," he said. "Most of that time I was still technically married. I dated once or twice before I discovered that old fat guys don’t date well. Then the divorce took awhile. She pretty much wound up with everything. Truth is, I guess I had given up. Until our paths crossed. I can’t explain it, but for some reason I feel drawn to you. I’ve told myself a million times to forget it, but I can’t let it go. Don’t ask me why."
"You pathetic old fart," she said.
"Jackie, are you crying?"
"Johnson, do you remember I said I brought you a present? Come and get it."
He emerged from his clutter and noticed the heads staring at him and her from the tops of the cubicles. "Okay people. Stop the prairie dogging. Pop those little pin-heads of yours back down in your cubbyholes. I’m sure you all have better things to do."
A couple of wolf whistles and some other appreciative comments were tossed their way from the floor.
"No," Jackie said. "Let them look. Here’s the present I promised." She grabbed his face, went up on tiptoe and pressed her lips to his. He started backwards in surprise, but she held on. The kiss, when he returned it, was soft and welcoming, like a flower opening in the rain after a long dry spell. The whistles, applause and cheering which broke forth full force from the floor excited Heinz, who popped out the door and began wagging his bushy tail with abandon. Heinz resisted the temptation to bark. He was, after all, a highly disciplined police officer.
"Johnson?"
"Yes?"
"We have a problem," she said.
"And that is?"
"That kiss was a test. I was hoping for a spark, but I felt nothing. And yesterday, I felt something stirring when I had a massage from a young woman. I’m all mixed up. I think I am a lesbo."
"Jackie, don’t be in such a hurry. Maybe you’re just not ready to feel anything for a guy yet. Another woman is safer, somehow. I mean, you used to enjoy men, right?"
Jackie's Week Page 12
