by Lily Zante
Footsteps sounded immediately outside her door. “Mel?”
“Just a minute.”
He put his shoes back on and gave her a remorseful look. “I can’t believe you thought I’d do anything to hurt you.”
She had her hand on the door knob. “I think it’s better you leave.”
“Don’t worry, I’m going.” He slanted her a puzzled look as he passed her by. She followed after him into the hallway.
“Mel?” Heather stepped out from the kitchen, her eyes trained on Matt, whom she regarded with a steely look. Her puzzled face met Melissa’s gaze as if to ask what-the-hell-is-he-doing-here?
“I’m leaving,” he remarked casually as he grabbed his coat.
Heather disappeared into the living room while Melissa walked to the door. Making sure he left.
As he stepped out he turned and looked at her. “We were just fooling around, you know that. Come on, Mel. I don’t want you to think I’m capable of doing stuff like that.”
She had no words for him, and she didn’t yet want to think about what might have happened if Heather hadn’t returned.
“Go.”
He tried to reach out to her face but she ducked out of the way. “I’d never hurt you.”
You already did.
“Just go.” Her voice was monotone, her insides a shattered mess.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” For a moment she thought she heard the faint cry of desperation in his parting words, and she let that desperation fester. Without saying a word, she shut the door.
And wondered what to tell Heather.
Chapter 10
She retreated to the silence and safety of her room, not ready to face Heather yet.
Lying down, Melissa curled up like a discarded tissue and let the familiar roll of unease spread over her. If Heather hadn’t turned up when she had, what then? She closed her eyes, as though shutting out the light would pour darkness over the event.
Heather knocked and before Melissa had summoned up the energy to reply, she’d entered.
“What’s wrong?” She came over to the bed where Melissa lay. “What’s wrong, Mel?” She sat down, her concerned eyes narrowed.
Melissa forced herself to a sitting position, more to play a part than anything. Confusion scattered her emotions. Maybe she was making a big deal out of nothing? Maybe she’d asked for it? After all, they’d been kissing wildly; why else would she end up on the bed? And in her own room too.
She’d led him on. She wiped her hands across her face and drew her knees against her chest.
“How come he ended up here?” Heather wanted to know.
“He apologized for the way he behaved. Wanted to make it up to me.”
“Is he always so controlling?”
Melissa’s head jerked up sharply. “Why do you say that?”
Heather picked up a magazine that lay by the bedside. “You haven’t noticed or are you choosing to ignore it?” Her friend idly flicked through the pages.
Melissa neatly avoided answering the question that had bugged her like an insect bite for weeks. “I admit he was a bit of a jerk earlier—”
“A bit?”
Melissa closed her eyes a second too long. “Okay, he was a total idiot. He apologized to me and he wanted to apologize to you, but you weren’t around.”
“He saw me while he was leaving. If he wanted to apologize to me he could have said something.”
Melissa felt her face burn at the memory of what he’d done to her. Of all that Heather did not know.
“Who cares, anyway? It’s not me he needed to say sorry to. It’s you. He treats you like shit. Can’t you see it?”
Melissa stared at the magazine in her friend’s hands. She couldn’t defend the guy. She was only now discovering his other side, and she didn’t like what she found.
“He’s seems set on changing you. All that bullshit about how he’s making you perfect. And since when do you read this?” She shoved the latest copy of Vogue at her.
Melissa looked at the glossy magazine. “Is that a crime?” she asked, suddenly defensive.
“No, but you used to laugh at me because I wanted to know what Kim Kardashian’s latest fashion faux-pas was. That stuff never interested you. You always had your nose in some goddamn shape shifter romance.”
“And because I’m now reading something light, you think it’s his doing?”
Heather jumped to her feet. “If it isn’t, then what about the skim milk you’re having all of a sudden? And the diet articles I see you reading? And this sudden interest in working out? It used to be that you couldn’t get out of bed to get to work and all of a sudden you’re at the gym by eight?”
“Seven,” Melissa corrected her.
Heather glared at her. “That’s exactly my point.”
Melissa glared back. “You don’t like me reading fashion mags, you don’t like that I’m getting healthy and eating right, and now you hate the fact that I’m getting fitter too. Why—are you scared I might take some of the attention away from you?”
The pained look on Heather’s face told her the accusation smarted. Melissa was the one who’d stood by patiently blending into the wallpaper whenever they went out while Heather lapped up all the attention. Melissa had been by her side but invisible—or at least that was how she’d felt. But she’d never minded it much because she didn’t like having all that attention to herself.
All of a sudden Melissa wasn’t sure whether her friend was worried about her controlling boyfriend or whether she was jealous.
“Are you kidding me?” Heather asked quietly. They faced each other in a deadly lockdown. “You’ve changed. You can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.” She threw down the magazine and slammed the door behind her.
Chapter 11
After a miserable night that had her tossing on the edges of battered sleep, Melissa set off for work early the next day—at the time she would have left if she was going to meet Matt at the gym.
Except this morning she had no intentions of going anywhere near the gym. Or meeting him.
Pinned down on the bed, his hand in her panties. She clutched the strap of her bag tighter, irritation gnawing at her insides as she relived the images, on continuous play inside her head. The taste of bitterness in her mouth made her nauseous.
“Hey.”
She stopped short of the coffee shop and stared straight into soft eyes. He’d come. Her insides did a backwards somersault and at the same time a feeling of relief, of lightness, of something comforting warmed her all over.
“Hi,” she replied, wishing she could hide. She knew she looked like death warmed over and as much as her fluttering stomach indicated her excitement at seeing him, she would have preferred to have been better prepared.
“You’re early,” he stated, as though this was normal, as though they’d arranged to meet.
It’s early for you, she thought.
If she was being honest with herself, then she would admit that a part of her had unconsciously sought him out. Now, as he stood in front of her, in the flesh, she wished she’d used extra under-eye concealer and done a “Heather” with her makeup.
He would notice something was up. But she’d learned to hide and disguise, and she could easily put on a performance once more.
“So are you.” She offered him a smile, at the same time wondering what he was doing here at this hour. She was used to running into him closer to eight once she’d finished at the gym. For a quick second, her thoughts briefly flashed to Matt at the gym, and, just as quickly, she pushed the image right out of her mind, like a splinter needing quick removal.
“You’re not noting down my times are you?” he asked, not breaking the eye contact.
“No.” She released a laugh at the suggestion. Not on paper, she thought, and took in his appearance. He looked smarter than usual and she wondered what the reason behind that might be. Wondered whether he might be meeting someone after work.
“It’s good to see you.”
/> It is? She analyzed his words, dared to imagine that he meant them rather than said them for the sake of making polite conversation.
“We must stop meeting like this,” she said. And then regretted her words instantly. “I mean, in the line, or outside, like now.”
“Shall we go inside?”
“It would make sense, wouldn’t it?” She giggled, her heart starting to pound as she felt a spark of happiness. He moved aside to let her pass first. She stepped briskly inside the coffee shop and welcomed the rush of warmth that wrapped her up like a blanket.
Inside it was uncharacteristically calm and empty. There was no line and only two tables were occupied. Melissa turned to him as they stood politely in line. He smiled back and then she saw his gaze shift to the empty tables.
She’d come early today because she’d wanted to spend time alone, thinking things through—away from Heather at home and away from the confines of work where Matt threatened to appear at any time and where she knew she’d be so busy she’d barely have time to sit, let alone sit and do nothing.
But with this guy here those plans vanished. The appeal of talking to him was greater and her initial plans were discarded as easily as a silk scarf.
But how could she get him to stay without sounding desperate? She placed her order and on the spur of the moment she added the words ‘To have here” and hoped that would do it.
“Not ‘to go’ today?” He looked at her in a way that made it hard for her to look away.
“It’s quiet. I need quiet today.” But in so carefully explaining her reasoning she had unwittingly told him that she wanted to be alone.
“Oh,” he looked crestfallen. “I could have stayed a while, but if you want to be alone—” He paused and she could feel his hesitation as much as she could sense her own. She couldn’t tell for sure, but she had a hunch that maybe he wanted to sit and talk too. His pause gave her reason to think that he found circumnavigating these waters as tricky as she did.
I did want to be alone, but not anymore.
Did he look forward to seeing her? Were his days made brighter because he’d run into her at the start of his morning? She never knew, and that was half the excitement and the frustration of it all.
It was also her release from the murky thoughts that she often found herself in, when things with Matt caused her pain.
“Then stay a while, why don’t you?” she suggested, pushing her hair behind her ears, as a dizzying feeling, not unlike the slow, heady trek up a rollercoaster ride, made her a little light-headed. She waited for his answer.
“To stay or to go?” The barista asked Noah, as he got ready to scoot off and prepare the orders. Noah turned to her instead. “To stay or to go?” The way he said it, with the suggestion dangling delicately in the air, made her stare a second longer at his face, at his eyes, before her gaze dropped down to his lips. It was a touch-and-go moment, where she could either crush his hopes with one word, or strengthen the bonds newly forming.
“Stay.”
“It looks like I’m staying.” He told the barista.
“I’ll get a table.” She took her muffin and coffee and found a table three deep from the front. It wasn’t isolated off in a corner, but still afforded privacy.
Even though Matt never came here, she still didn’t want to risk him seeing her on the freaky off chance he might walk in. She angled her chair anyway, so that she had full view of the comings and goings at the door.
Soon, she would figure things out so that she never had to worry about what Matt thought but getting to that point wasn’t going to be easy.
She watched the guy waiting patiently at the counter, and as she did so, he turned to her and smiled. She felt a flutter somewhere between her stomach and her heart.
The more she saw him, the more she wanted to see him. The more she spoke to him, the more she wanted to get to know him.
It no longer felt strange—because now they’d seen each other more than a couple of times. Enough for it to not feel totally odd. Ever since she’d had that accident with the coffee spilling over her, things had sped up. She seemed to bump into him on most days, and probably because she went to the coffee shop on most days.
After the events of yesterday, spending time with a man whose name she didn’t yet know, but who made her feel good, wasn’t wrong at all.
As she waited, thoughts about Matt resurfaced. Being with him left her feeling more isolated and sadder than being single ever had. At least when she was single she’d never been unhappy. A little lonely sometimes, but that was all. She’d been content with her life, her body, herself.
A relationship was supposed to be the cherry on the top. It was supposed to be the thing that uplifted a person, that drew out the best in them, not destroyed whatever there was.
Her heart dipped at the thought of her and Matt and she felt a dullness drip over her. She didn’t have a good relationship. Because a good relationship was—
“You should have started.” He interrupted her thoughts, brightening her day just by his presence. Pointing his chin at her untouched food, he asked her, “You’re not hungry today?”
She’d been so engrossed in her thoughts, she hadn’t touched her breakfast. She shrugged. “I don’t even know your name,” she said, as he sat down opposite her.
“Noah,” he said, then put out his hand. “I feel we need some kind of introduction.”
“Noah,” she repeated, shaking his hand. It was soft and big and held hers firmly.
Withdrawing their hands they both picked up their cups at the same time and took a sip, briefly appraising one another over the cups.
After a while, he started to unwrap his muffin. “Want to try some?” He held his plate out to her.
“No, thanks. Do you want to try some of this?” She offered him her blueberry muffin.
He shook his head.
Having breakfast with a man she barely knew, but who offered her more comfort than her boyfriend had, was the kind of thing Heather would do without batting an eye. For someone like Melissa, whose middle name might as well have been “cautious,” it was unheard of.
“How come you’re here so early today?”
“I didn’t feel like facing the gym this morning.” She wondered why she’d offered this piece of news to him, given that she’d had no intention of going to the gym at all. But it made more sense to say this than to admit the truth. That she needed to think carefully about how she was going to dump her boyfriend.
“The gym? That’s where you go in the mornings?” He sounded impressed. “You’re dedicated, I’ll give you that.” His eyes twinkled and she admired once again his remarkably long eyelashes.
“I usually go…” She hesitated, not wanting to mention anything about Matt. “And then I’m done by eight.”
“Impressive.”
“It’s early for you too,” she suggested, suddenly needing to know why he’d come at this time and the reason behind his smart appearance. “Are you sure you’re not stalking me?” He grinned.
“If I stalked you, you wouldn’t be aware of it.” She raised an eyebrow back, while at the same time wondering if he had a girlfriend.
But until she thought things through and told Matt, she still had a boyfriend. Technically. And one that she’d neglected to mention. Deliberately.
“Maybe you being here, stalking me anyway, and telling me this is to throw me off the trail. Someone like you would make for an exceptionally smart stalker.”
“An exceptionally smart stalker.” She considered the term, and then him, sitting so close to her, looking smart in his white shirt and business suit. She wanted to comment on the fact but quickly decided that giving him compliments might make him think she was coming onto him. And she wasn’t yet sure what her motivations were. Only that right now, in this moment, he took away the shame of what Matt had subjected her to yesterday.
Talking to Noah made her think that things could be another way. He made her see how it felt to be with
someone who lifted her higher. Not someone who broke her soul.
She took her time peeling her muffin completely from its casing, doing it slowly so that she’d have something to do. Because each time she looked at him now, she felt the buzz of intensity when he stared right back.
Did he feel the same?
Her nerves got the better of her so much so that she no longer felt like eating, afraid that she’d let the crumbs fall all over her mouth, or that she’d choke on a piece, or do something embarrassing.
“How come you’re extra early today?” He’d eluded her question before and now that he knew her reasons, it was time to find out his.
“I thought I’d get in early to clear some of my workload. We’re hiring and I’m running with that so all of my usual workload piles up. It’s always busy at work.”
“You sound just like my boss,” she remarked.
“Yeah?” he gave her another one of his smiles—the kind that had her heart ticking like a kitchen timer.
“I couldn’t sleep, actually.”
“Me neither,” she confessed.
“Mine was indigestion.”
She cocked her head, and thought about what he’d said. Now would be a good time to ask him if his girlfriend’s cooking was that bad. But aside from being sexist, it wasn’t the right thing to ask. Surely there had to be better ways of finding out if he was single.
So she chose to remain silent instead.
“You didn’t sleep either?” he asked.
She shook her head but gave no explanation. He covered it up, her obvious avoidance to answer. “It’s a wonder we met at all, seeing that it wasn’t our normal time.”
“Our normal time?” Her lips curved into a smile. “I didn’t realize we had a normal time.”
“Sure we do, around eight o’clock, usually on Mondays and Wednesdays.” His response startled her. She did normally pick Mondays to go to the gym because it was the start of the week, and she had more enthusiasm then to get up extra early and work out. And Wednesdays simply because it was dead center in the week. She couldn’t bear the thought of turning Thursdays and Fridays into gym days. Though earlier in her and Matt’s relationship, when she’d been more inclined to listen to him, she’d given in to going on Tuesdays too.
