His other option was to marry Ellie.
The thought brought a nervous thump to his heart. But why not? Marriages were made for far less logical reasons. And there was something there.
He realized this thought had been in the back of his mind for days. Marriage was the perfect idea. What could he say to convince her? His practice wasn’t exactly thriving. He had a long way to go before he’d earn the trust of the citizens of Newton. But he had a decent house and because of some wise investments he had the means to provide for her. Her life would be easier.
Patricia finished playing, and Nate woke. Ellie prepared him a bottle and Caleb fed him, wondering how to approach her with the idea. The hour grew late and they prepared to leave. His mother hugged him and Lucy begged one last piggyback ride.
Reverend Beecher didn’t have his own rig, so he rode back to town with Caleb as he had many times before. But this time, Ellie sat on the bench in the rear with Nate. Caleb stopped at the parsonage first, wished the reverend a good-night, and then prodded the horses toward Mrs. Ned’s.
He pulled up in front and Ellie gathered her skirts and prepared to get down. He stopped her with a hand on her arm.
She stared at it and froze.
Caleb released her and she settled back on the seat.
Nate fussed in the back.
This was hardly a perfect situation in which to propose marriage. But then he didn’t think a perfect situation would reveal itself anytime soon.
“Ellie, I’ve been thinking about something.”
“What’s that?”
“I’d like you to think about marrying me.”
Her eyes opened wide and she faced him with a look of pure shock on her face.
“Nate needs a mother,” he said, and then realized how awful that sounded. “I need a wife. I know this sounds selfish. I make an adequate living right now and I am sure it will get better. I have a home to offer you.” What more did he really have to offer her? “You wouldn’t have to work at the hotel and you’d have more leisure time to pursue your own interests. Perhaps needlepoint or…”
A strong breeze blew a loose strand of hair across her cheek and she pushed it away distractedly. Her gaze had turned to the street, but he knew she wasn’t really seeing anything. He’d probably shocked her and he hadn’t really offered enough to be convincing. “I’ll be able to afford a housekeeper eventually.”
She turned to look at him finally.
“Just think about it,” he said, disgusted with himself. He’d bungled the whole thing. “Will you do that?”
She nodded mutely.
He got down and came around to assist her from the buggy and she immediately drew away from his touch and stood aside.
“I’ll see you in the morning then.”
She nodded and he got back into the buggy, then watched her climb the stairs and enter the boardinghouse.
Well, he’d lost nothing by asking. She would either say yes or no. He drove the team to the livery, lamenting what he’d do if she said no. For some curious reason it had suddenly become imperative that she not turn him down. His proposal hadn’t been the least bit convincing, however. What more could he have said? How could he have sweetened the pot?
Ellie seemed a practical sort; his suggestions had all been practical. Or perhaps he’d missed the mark entirely by being so practical. Maybe she would have responded better to romance. He could start over again and court her.
Caleb spent the rest of the evening second-guessing himself and wondering how he could go back and earn a chance to convince her.
Ellie’s head, which had already been filled with all the new sights and experiences of the day, was now in a whirl. Her mind replayed Caleb’s astounding words. I’d like you to think about marrying me. She’d think of nothing else for the rest of her life. The rest of her sorry, stinking, miserable life.
Caleb Chaney, a respectable man who’d been raised in a respectable family and had graduated from a respectable university…now a doctor…had asked her to marry him.
If she lived to be a hundred she would remember his voice saying the words. I’d like you to think about marrying me.
Of course she couldn’t do it.
He wouldn’t have asked if he knew who she was, who her mother had been, and where she’d been raised. He wouldn’t even allow her around his son if he knew her secret shame.
Ellie greeted Miss Shaw and Mr. Davis on the wide front porch and hurried up to her room for her pitcher and bowl so she could retrieve warm water from the well on the stove.
She carried the water back to her room, removed her skirt and blouse, her petticoats and chemise, brushed out her hair and washed the day’s dust from her face and body.
In the golden glow of the oil lamp, she caught her reflection from the waist up in the grainy mirror attached to the bureau. For once, she allowed herself to look. Her dark hair was thick and wavy and shone in the lamplight. Her features wouldn’t curdle milk by any means, and she had full, solid breasts and a narrow waist. Is this why he wants to marry me? Had she done something to encourage him in that way?
Being attractive to a man was a detriment, not an asset. She dried quickly. Ellie wasn’t so blind or ignorant that she didn’t know what she’d lost. She would have made a good wife and mother.
But her mother had ruined all that. Her mother had ruined her life and hadn’t cared. No man would ever want her now if they knew. She could barely stand to look at herself.
She pulled her white cotton nightgown over her head and laced the ribbons that held the neck closed.
Ellie ran the brush through her hair again and unwillingly met her own gaze. The stroking of the hairbrush fell still.
She’d lived with the secret this long. No one could tell by looking at her. Caleb didn’t know. His family didn’t know. No one in the entire town of Newton was any the wiser.
What if she accepted Caleb’s offer? What if she married him? She could glimpse the first shred of security she’d ever known. She could have a home. Her brothers could have a home.
Her chest ached and her fingers tightened on the brush. They could live together in that beautiful house with all the books and the full pantry.
Ellie placed the brush on the bureau and blew out the lamp. She moved to the window, raised the shade and lifted the pane as high as it would go. Leaning out the open portal, she peered into the darkness, identified a few lights and buildings and squinted, knowing full well she couldn’t see all the way to the doctor’s house from here, but imagining she could.
The warm summer breeze flitted across her face, lifted her hair and blew her nightgown against her damp skin. She closed her eyes and smelled the moonstruck air.
What about sacrificing the freedom she valued? Right now she was in control of her own life.
Some life, she thought with self-derision.
She would never allow herself to be vulnerable again, however. And the physical aspects of marriage were simply an impossibility for her.
But what about Flynn and Benjamin? Her whole purpose for the past year had been to somehow make a home for them.
Caleb Chaney needed a mother for his son. She needed a home for her brothers. Could they strike a bargain?
She hadn’t seen the boys for weeks and she ached to know if they were well and fed, if not happy. It would take a miracle and a lot of time ever to see them happy.
Ellie opened her eyes and studied the silent heavens for a sign. Maybe, just maybe, an arrangement could be made that would accommodate everyone.
She left the shade and the window open and climbed into bed.
Before he left for work that morning didn’t seem like the appropriate time to discuss a marriage arrangement with him, so Ellie saw Caleb off and went about the routine she’d established.
Everything had changed, however. She looked at the house and the furnishings with new eyes. This could be a home for her family if Caleb still wanted to marry her after he heard her conditions.
Before it gre
w hot, she took Nate outside and wandered in the yard, imagining a garden with towering beanpoles and fresh, leafy lettuce. She pictured flower beds with bright nasturtiums, asters and snapdragons. Remembering a book she’d seen in Caleb’s study, she carried Nate back in and pulled the volume, How to Plant and Plan Your Dooryard and Kitchen Garden, from the shelf. She placed a blanket in the shade of the side yard, propped herself beside him and began to read.
Ellie’s eyes grew heavy and she turned over, rested the book on her stomach and looked up into the whispering leaves. Nate slept soundly beside her. The scent of roses drifted across the yard. She’d never had a more perfect or restful afternoon. Her thoughts drifted to Benjamin and Flynn and she wondered what they were doing that day. She missed them terribly.
After Nate’s nap, she began work on dinner, making fresh rolls to go with the hen she was roasting and the creamed carrots Caleb had a fondness for. She stirred a pan of rice pudding and left it in the oven.
Caleb arrived home a little later than usual. “Sorry I’m late,” he said, coming into the kitchen. “I was called over to Mabel Connely’s only an hour ago and spent some time reassuring her she’s not having heart failure.”
“She’s ill?”
“She’s fat. And she won’t take my word for it that she needs to take off some pounds so she can move about more easily. Her heart will go one of these days if she doesn’t do as I—” He stopped short and studied the table. “You’re staying to eat?”
A flush warmed her all the way from her toes to her ears. “If that’s okay with you. I thought we could talk.”
“About?”
This wasn’t how she’d planned to discuss it. “About what you asked me to think about.”
“You’re not making a decision this quickly, are you? Maybe you should take some time to think about it before you turn me down. I know we don’t know each other very well, but—”
“Why don’t you sit? I’m almost finished here.”
Caleb moved to the small wooden table and folded his long body onto a chair. Ellie didn’t turn while she took rolls from the oven and spooned the carrots into a bowl, but she heard him talking to Nate.
Once all the food was on the table, she stood beside her chair.
Caleb jumped up and pulled the chair out for her. She sat.
He filled his plate, mashed a few bites for his baby and blew on them before giving him a taste. “I love these carrots.”
She knew.
He took a few bites and then laid his fork down.
Ellie looked up. “Is it all right?”
“It’s fine. It’s great. Just tell me your decision.”
She’d only taken a few bites herself, because her stomach fluttered as though a thousand butterflies had taken up residence. She touched the napkin to her lips and laid her fork on her plate. “I thought about what you asked me to think about.”
“About getting married.”
She nodded.
Nate slapped his palm on his wooden tray and Caleb gave him a bite of mashed carrot.
“Nate needs a mother, you said.”
“That wasn’t a very romantic proposal.”
“This is a hard land and neither of our situations are easy. Survival isn’t very romantic.”
He studied her, waiting.
“There’s something I need, too.”
A line formed between his brows. “What’s that?”
“I need a home for my brothers,” she blurted. “I can give you my word that I would be a good mother to Nate.” She hadn’t wanted children of her own; she’d had enough responsibility and hardship taking care of her brothers, but if her compromise would meet their needs and ease their sadly lacking young lives, she’d do it gladly.
“He would be like my own child,” she said, her voice trembling with the solemn promise. “And in return, my brothers would have a home here with us.”
He seemed to turn the idea over in his mind a few times, his gaze moving from her to Nate and back. She was the answer to his being able to keep both his son and his practice. He was the answer to her dreams of a home for her family.
“They’re not young children, is that right?”
“Flynn is nine and Benjamin is fifteen. They’re doing farm work for no pay right now. They could work, but they have to go to school. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for them.”
Caleb fed Nate another bite and took a few for himself. “I believe I can agree to that, Ellie.”
She was so encouraged she almost laughed, but then she remembered to add, “You will have to promise me that you won’t ever hit them.”
His expression was stricken. “I’ve never hit a child in my life. Nate might need a whipping or two when he’s old enough, but I do not beat children.”
She’d had to say it. She’d had to be sure. She nodded. “There’s one more thing.”
He raised a brow and studied her.
“We will not share a bedroom.” Quickly, she lowered her gaze to her plate. Her face burned, but she hardened her resolve. Better if he knew ahead that it could never be.
Nate made happy-baby noises. A dog barked somewhere outside. Caleb said nothing.
Finally she chanced an upward glance.
He was studying his fork, his brows drawn together in thought. She knew what he was thinking. He was a man, and men wanted to perform those repulsive acts with women. He was probably wondering how many others were available if his wife wasn’t. Ellie knew about that kind of woman only too well.
“What about more children?” he asked.
A little crack opened near her heart. She’d already borne one, but he would never know that. She could never have another. He didn’t deserve the anger and resentment burning on the inside of her. But that didn’t change things. “I don’t want more children.”
“You might change your mind someday.”
And she might walk out that door and find a tree growing money, too. “I wouldn’t set any store by it if I was you.”
His jaw tensed as if her words had made him mad. But he looked at Nate and the muscles relaxed. He raised his chin a notch. “Anything else?”
“That’s it.”
He picked up his fork with a smile. “All right. I’ll make arrangements with Reverend Beecher. Do you want to plan a wedding?”
She didn’t have the first idea how. “I just want to go get my brothers.”
He gave a nod and ate. “We’ll do that first thing Saturday.”
“It has to be legal.”
“I’ll see an attorney and have adoption papers drawn up. For both of us.”
She would adopt Nate? She looked at his sweet face with carrots smashed on his chin and prayed she was doing the right thing. For all of them.
Chapter Seven
The following day Caleb dropped his instruments into the water he’d boiled on the tiny stove in his office for the purpose of sterilizing them and thought for the millionth time about what he was preparing to do. She might change her mind.
He’d thought that part at least a hundred times. Surely she’d change her mind. He’d already been married to a woman who liked the idea of children, but not the reality. Leila hadn’t been entirely wild about the intimacy part, but she hadn’t refused.
If Ellie truly did not want children for whatever reasons, he could certainly take care of that. He was a doctor, for heaven’s sake. He could explain methods to prevent her from becoming pregnant. He would have liked more children, of course, but right now his concern was the child he did have and the best way to care for him.
At this moment he couldn’t see past keeping Nate with him and not having to let Patty and Denzil take him. He could make this arrangement work. If Ellie was willing to make a go of it, he could, too. He had Nate. And her brothers would be with them. Maybe someday Ellie would change her mind. After all, she didn’t really know Caleb or what kind of a husband and father he would make. And he would have the opportunity to erase the loneliness that accompanied her
like a dark shadow.
He visited the reverend over the noon hour, taking a pie he bought at Hintz’s Bakery on the way. Reverend Beecher had a penchant for peaches, and his face lit up when he saw the sugary crust with golden juices glistening through the slits in the pastry.
“You sure about this, son?” he asked when Caleb told him their intent.
“Sure as I’m going to be,” he replied. “Ellie is the answer to my prayers.”
“God works in mysterious ways,” the reverend said with a nod. “Perhaps she is at that.”
They made plans for an informal ceremony on Saturday afternoon. Caleb would post a handwritten, open invitation at the post office and at the grocer’s. He shook hands with Reverend Beecher. On his way back to the office he stopped by Isaac’s Restaurant and made arrangements for food to be prepared and delivered to his house, then remembered to return to Hintz’s Bakery and order a cake.
His parents took it well when he told them that evening. He knew because his mother didn’t faint or cry, and his father didn’t try to talk him out of it. They both just looked at him with such sad eyes and pitying expressions that he knew they were thinking he was doing this out of desperation.
The fact that they were right lodged in his craw like a fishbone. But this was the only acceptable option. They were just going to have to live with it. Not every marriage was made in heaven like theirs. Their own picture-perfect lives had skewed their sense of reality.
Saturday delivered a hot, sultry Kansas morning. Caleb bathed Nate and shaved himself before he dressed. With their hair parted and slicked back from their foreheads beneath their hats, father and son traveled the distance to the livery and Caleb harnessed both his horses to the buggy.
Ellie, dressed in her plain white shirtwaist and navy skirt, a bonnet shading her eyes, was waiting on the porch when he arrived at the boardinghouse. She picked up a small battered satchel and hurried forward eagerly, not even waiting for him to assist her up onto the seat.
“Morning, Ellie,” he said.
“Morning.” She placed her bag on the rear floor.
They glanced at each other, and she looked away.
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