by M. Sembera
I couldn’t help laughing too. Clearly, the plan would need work.
Em looked at me and asked, “When are you going to tell Jackson and Hert?”
I felt foolish now.
Not thinking last night, when I would have easily succumbed to the ‘throes of passion’, if given the opportunity. Suddenly nervous, thinking of telling Hert, I tried to push thoughts of Hert and me out of my mind. Knowing anything like that was no longer a possibility.
“I don’t know but telling Jacks will be a lot easier than telling Hert,” I replied, feeling a little embarrassed.
Emerson looked thoughtful as he shared, “I think he’ll be more understanding than you think.”
I looked at Em, “I meant harder for me to tell him.”
He looked like he didn’t understand at first then as a smile spread across his face he seemed to figure out what I meant.
“So is something going on with you two?” he asked.
Trying hard not to reveal how crazy Hert made me feel last night, I fibbed, “Nothing’s going on. I just…I hadn’t seen him in a long time and it was well…awkward. He wasn’t really talking and I didn’t know what to say. That’s all.”
Em gave me a, “Hmmm,” and said, “Drink some more of that stuff and come down when you feel like it.”
I smiled and took a sip as he walked out of the room.
Now that my little secret was out, I wondered where the four of us would go from here. Worrying over the next steps to take, I grabbed my black duffle from under the bed. I pulled out the folded paper from the doctor’s office. One month to my next appointment. Refolding the paper and putting it back into my bag, I wondered if things would be okay. I was doing better every day and I had a month before I had to step foot outside this house. Hoping that would give me enough time not to have a relapse if I ran into HIM. In that time, I would also have to figure out who the 'father' would be.
Deciding to get on with my day, I went downstairs, finding Emerson and Jackson at the kitchen table. Fidora was back and making lunch. It only took a second to realize Jacks knew.
After giving Em a nasty look, I walked up beside Fidora and offered, “Would you like some help?”
She shook her head and smiled. I walked over and sat down at the table across from them.
Jackson smiled at me and said, “How are you feelin’ little mama?”
I gave both of them mean looks, shaking my head.
Jacks, still smiling, commented, “Awe don’t be mad Ren. You still get to tell Hert.”
With serious irritation in my voice, I looked at him and stated, “You’re an ass!”
Standing up, he patted Em on the back and let out a laugh before saying, “I’ll see you later man,” then looked at me and whispered, “Later mama.”
Before I could say anything he was out the door.
Em looked regretful as he apologized, “I’m sorry Ren. I thought it might be easier if I told him. I got the feeling you wanted to tell Hert yourself and you don’t need to stress yourself out. It’s not good for either one of you.”
It seemed so easy for Emerson to adjust to the idea of me being pregnant. Always so sweet and understanding it was just his way.
“So you’re just all cool with me having a baby and not worrying about what’s going to happen?” I asked him.
He smiled gently and answered, “Anything that is a part of you will be amazing and we will all love him or her. Between the four of us, we will figure it out.”
His words made me feel hopeful. Lunch was ready but I couldn’t eat.
Trying to be subtle, I asked, “Is Hert coming over today?”
Em nodded and replied, “He will be by later.”
I walked to the other side of the table and wrapped my arms around Em’s shoulders.
Squeezing myself against him, I informed, “I’m going to take a nap.”
Emerson leaned his head back and gave a permissive smile. Not feeling like going back upstairs, I settled for the couch. Snuggling up with a blanket, I fell asleep.
I could hear voices in the kitchen as I started to wake up. Feeling refreshed, I sat up and pulled my hair into a loose ponytail.
Emerson walked in and asked, “Are you up for some company?”
I nodded but was upset when I realized I probably looked horrible.
“Hert is in the kitchen,” he whispered before informing, “I need to go into town and pick up a few things. If you need me just call okay.”
I whispered back, “Okay,” with a nod as he left.
Pulling the blanket completely around myself, I curled up in the corner of the couch. My curiosity concerning how I would feel, when I saw Hert a second time, were confirmed when he walked into the room. With my heart racing, I smiled at him as he walked over and sat down, still at a reasonable distance.
His eyes seemed to see right through me as he said, “You sure do sleep a lot.”
His half smile took my breath away. Determined to get through this, I tried to concentrate on my mission and not his desirable features.
I started to talk but was interrupted when he said, “I was trying to tell you last night that…”
Stopping him right there, I had to get it out before he said something that would make this harder.
“I want to talk first, okay, Hert!” came out as more of a shout but I shook it off and continued, “I have to tell you something before you say anything else.”
He gazed at me, putting his hand on my blanket covered leg, softly saying, “Ren, there’s nothing you need to say. I don’t need any explanations. I just….”
Wishing now, I wasn’t covered in the blanket and worrying if Hert finished his sentence I would not get the words out of my mouth, I had to stop him.
I blurted, “Hert! I’m Pregnant!” again, shouting when I didn’t mean too.
Frozen, he sat there just blinking trying to process what I had shouted at him. Smiling at Hert, the best I could and waiting for the aftermath, I noticed he was still touching me. I wanted to lean closer. Crazy as it was, Hert sitting there not moving or speaking, all I could think about was that his hand was on my leg.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, Hert looked directly into my eyes and said, “Okay.”
Tilting my head and leaning closer, I questioned, “Is it?”
He jumped back a little, with eyes wide, he stood up.
Looking up at him with tears now streaming down my face, I shook my head saying, “I didn’t think so.”
Hert looked as if he was going to say something then turned and walked out the front door.
I was crushed. Curling back up under my blanket, reality had invaded my bubble; I was going to have to face some hard facts. Emerson’s reaction had been so calm and supportive. Jackson’s was happy and cheerful. Trying to convince myself Hert would come to terms with what was happening; I realized my silly infatuation with him was childish. I was going to be a mother. Finally, telling the three of them made it real. I was no longer sick and sad over HIM. I loved a fourth now. Putting my hands across my stomach, I decided tomorrow would be a day for making plans.
It wasn’t long before Em was back. He walked straight over to where I was, asking, “Have you been crying?”
Shrugging, I answered, “I was but I’m okay now. Hert left.”
Emerson lifted me up so I could curl up onto him with my blanket.
His soft eyes appeared thoughtful as he said, “If you want to see him, he will be back tomorrow.”
Stunned, I asked, “Hert wants to come back?”
Em nodded as he softly answered, “He wasn’t mad Ren just a little upset. He said he couldn’t stay and see you cry. He had been waiting a long time to talk to you and ….”
Trying to keep calm, I said, “Ya know what then? He should have stayed and talked! I have a lot going on and plans to make.”
Emerson put his hands against the sides of my face, gently pulling me eye level with him.
“Ren, I told Hert he could s
tay here for a while. I know you might not like it but he needs to be here. There is plenty of room and well, if you are mad I am sorry,” I didn’t let him go any farther before cutting him off, assuring, “It’s your house you can do what you want.”
Before I could get up Em put his arms around me and held me there, saying, “I am fixing the room next to mine up for you. You can stay in mine as long as you want. Please don’t feel like I’m forcing you out. I just think you might be more comfortable in your own room after you have the baby.”
I wrapped my arms around Emerson’s neck.
Pulling myself up, I kissed his cheek and said, “I have a lot to think about tomorrow and I’m pretty worn out. I think I’ll sleep here tonight, okay.”
He kissed my forehead, saying, “Okay Ren, goodnight.”
Neither of us moved. Falling asleep, curled up next to Em, I thought of Hert. Despite the fact that he just walked out on me, a big part of me could not wait for him to be here.
Chapter 6
Today was the day for me to formulate a plan. Em was already up and I declined breakfast for a shower. Feeling refreshed, I went downstairs, stopping at the last step to sit and put my socks on. I was shocked to find Hert already here. Politely smiling as I walked right past him, he followed me to the kitchen where Jacks and Emerson were already at the table. I decided not to sit, standing at the end of the table instead. Hert walked around and sat down next to Em.
Starting off the conversation, I stated, “Anyone who has a problem with any of this doesn’t have to be a part of it.” The room was silent as I continued, saying, “I have one month until I have to go back to the doctor. I’ll be seven weeks by then and I guess that gives us time to iron out all the details but I would like to get all the major ones figured out today,” then looking at the three of them, I asked, “Any suggestions?”
Jacks grinned and said, “Do you want it to be one of us or some random stranger? If it’s one of us, then I would be the logical choice, because we actually dated.”
Silently pleased that Hert was scowling, I replied, “Well the only problem with that is, unless I just say it was some guy I didn’t even really know, which would be hard for HIM to believe, if it is one of ya’ll, they would have to be totally committed. I plan on raising the baby to think the same thing. And I would prefer that even if it does start out as a lie he or she will grow up with a completely devoted father.”
Em looked at me, questioning, “So will you raise the baby here?”
Unsure, I replied, “Is that what you want me to do?”
Em glanced at Hert and then answered, “That is what I would like to happen. I understand though, you want a father for your baby and not a husband. So what happens if you meet someone or want a life away from here?”
I was quick to answer, “I already had a life away from here and we all know how that turned out. Besides, I’m not looking to find anyone. And kids grow up Em. I can have a life then.”
Jackson looked at me, standing up he smiled and said, “I have to get to work, and you know I love you Ren but I think I would rather be Uncle Jacks, ya know.”
Laughing a little, I agreed.
Em watched Jackson walk out the door then quickly turned to me and announced, “My vote goes to Hert.”
Immediately, my focus turned to Hert to see his reaction.
He leaned back in his chair and asked, “Renni?” as if he wanted my opinion.
Without even trying, my mind shifted to how Hert and I would have conceived a baby.
Getting flustered, I pushed the thought from my mind and said, “Well it’s really up to you,” thinking I had him backed into a corner with no option except to say how he felt about it.
He thwarted my plan by saying, “If that’s what we agree will work best then that’s what I’ll do.”
Irritated, I could have hurled the salt and pepper shakers right at his head. How hard would it have been to just say 'yes', I want to be the father? Even a 'sure sounds good' would have been better than his, take one for the team attitude.
Filled with frustration, I commented, “No one’s twisting your arm Hert,” and walked out of the room.
Slipping off my socks, I went upstairs.
Instead of running to Emerson’s room, like always, I opened the door to the room next to his. Looking around, trying to get the feel for my new room, I noticed how plain it was, white walls, tan comforter on the bed and a small antique vanity. Sighing, I walked over and laid across the bed, staring at the ceiling. The room had a huge walk in closet attached to the bathroom. Mentally preparing myself, for this to be mine for the next twenty years or so, I imagined a crib in the corner and with all the trimmings. I placed my hands across my stomach and closed my eyes.
Realizing how much had changed in the last few days and how my strategy meeting had not gone the way I wanted it to, I decided to embrace my new room and start moving my clothes in. I sat up and saw Hert standing in the doorway. Sitting there staring at him, I noticed, his look of concern.
He walked over and sat on the corner of the bed, saying, “I didn’t say, I didn’t want to. All I was trying to say was that it’s about what’s best for you and the baby.”
An arsenal of comments flooded my mind but I couldn’t say a word. Was Hert really saying he wanted to or was he just trying to do the right thing? I couldn’t take it anymore. Hert, as long as I’d known him, was never shy about his feelings. Now he was purposely filtering his every word.
“I am getting really tired of this, Hert. You tell me you ‘need’ me to know things and you don’t tell me anything. Then, I tell you something you say ‘okay’ but turn around and leave. And then you come back today but not even saying anything except you’ll do what’s necessary!” taking a quick breath, I continued, “Just because I’m having a baby, doesn’t mean I should be treated like one. And if you say something that makes me cry, I’ll cry but it won’t kill me. So if you have something to say, just say it, because this, whatever it is, is making me crazy!”
Finally out of breath, I gave him a chance to explain. Still there was nothing.
Standing up, I shouted, “Fine!”
As I rushed past him, he caught my arm knocking me off balance and right into him. Irritation was instantly replaced by infatuation. He smelled so good I couldn’t move.
Moving me back, Hert quickly asked, “Renni, I’m sorry are you okay?”
I couldn’t answer, only thinking that he now had his hands around mine.
Hert repeated, “Are you okay?”
Caught in his eyes, my heart was pounding as I breathed, “Yes.”
His hands loosened as he said, “I don’t know what you want me to do.”
Thinking he might be facing the same difficulty I was, I suggested, “Tell me what you want.”
Hert’s jaw seemed to tighten at my advice. Releasing my hands, he folded his arms and hung his head.
Out of my mind with emotion, I snapped, “Okay Hert, when you figure out what you want, you let me know and maybe I’ll still want to hear about it.”
Instead of leaving, I laid back down on the bed, hoping to convey an ‘and you need to figure it out quick’ message. Wanting thoughts unfolded in my mind as I lay there knowing Hert was still sitting on the bed. Just the idea of us both here was making it hard to relax. How was I supposed to sleep at night if he was sleeping a few doors down? Hert stood up but instead of leaving the room, he walked to the head of the bed, crouching down beside me. I refused to look at him.
He leaned in, brushing the side of my face with his nose and whispering, “You Renni, that’s all I’ve ever wanted…”
Feeling his lips that close to my face sent a fire through me but before I could turn and react to it, he was on his feet and out the door. I grabbed a pillow shoved my face down in it and screamed. Was he trying to punish me? Had he developed some sadistic torture method over the years to penalize me for my previous betrayal?
Finally, I went back downstairs. I didn
’t see Hert anywhere, so I went into the kitchen to talk to Emerson.
Smiling, he said, “Come sit down and eat. You can start picking out furniture for your new room,” as he turned the lap top toward me and asked, “Are you going to want a new bed? I can have it delivered here in two days.”
I smiled back at him, shaking my head, saying, “The one in there is just fine.”
His expression was serious as he questioned, “What did you do to Hert?”
Instantly, I was outraged.
“What do you mean? What did I do to him? I’m not doing anything to your friend. Why don’t you ask what he’s doing to me?” I fussed.
Trying not to laugh, he informed me, “I can tell exactly what he’s doing to you,” before he raised an eyebrow and continued, “Anyone can tell when you look at him what he does to you.”
Feeling my face turn red from embarrassment, I asked, “Is he still here?”
Emerson answered, “He went home to pack up his apartment. He won’t be back today.”
Em already told me Hert was staying a while but I didn’t think he would live here with us. How was I supposed to be okay with this?
“He’s going to live here?” I questioned
. Em gave me a surprised look and said, “You knew, I told you remember. I said he needs to be here.”
I did remember.
I nodded and explained, “I knew he was coming to stay. I just didn’t know it was permanent,” thinking maybe, he did need to be near me, because even though he infuriated me I still really wanted him here.
Until Em said, “How else are we supposed to pull this off? I already knew it should be him. I asked him if he wanted to and he said ‘unless you had an objection’ so he needs to be here for it to be more believable.”
Starting to feel like Em and Hert were purposely trying to drive me insane, I confirmed, “Oh he needs to be here not needs to be here.”
Now with a guilty look he said, “Well, I don’t know Ren, he probably does. I know you sure do.”
Looking at Em, I stuck my tongue out at him and blurted, “Shut up!” pretending to be offended.
