by M. Sembera
Sighing with the knowledge that I gave up the old me, I looked around the room. Hert sat down in the chair behind his desk, still holding Sophia.
“Well, this is it,” he stated
Laughing a little, I assured, “There is no way. I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe you could just make me a list of what you need.”
Smiling back at me, Hert agreed, “Sure, I can do that.”
Jackson excused himself in order to finish his work for the day.
After telling Jackson bye, I sat down in the chair facing Hert’s desk and asked, “What are all those file cabinets for?”
With a slight smirk Hert responded, “Files.”
Rolling my eyes, I changed the subject saying, “We’d better go. I have lots to do before you get home.”
Hert stood up and walked around his desk.
Smiling at me, he offered, “Would you like me to take you out tonight? For dinner?” I smiled back nodding as he informed, “I’ll take you and Sophia home. I’m done for the day.”
Following Hert out of his office, I hoped my plan was already working.
Dinner out was nice. Arriving home fairly early, Hert spent the rest of the evening getting Sophia to say ‘dada’ over and over. It was sweet and the tone of his voice with her always warmed my heart. Once she was down for the night, it was my turn with him.
Sitting down on the couch next to him, I shared, “Your office is unbelievable.”
Hert nodded, saying, “It’s mostly for show. It’s a big building and how would it look for the head of the company to have a little cubical.”
“No really Hert, it’s pretty impressive,” I assured, adding, “I hope your home office isn’t disappointing. It’s not going to look like that.”
Changing the subject, he questioned, “What’s with this sudden change?”
Doing my best to appear innocent, I asked, “What do you mean?”
Narrowing his eyes, I could tell he was trying to figure out how sincere I was, stating, “Last night you seemed unhappy. Then this morning you wake up and you’re remodeling, visiting The Office and telling me it’s impressive.”
“Is there something wrong with that?” I asked.
He admitted, “No. It just doesn’t seem like you.”
Excited he might have realized he did miss the real me, I questioned, “Is that a problem?”
Shaking his head, he informed, “I think it’s great. You seem much happier with something to do.”
I could not believe my ears. I seemed much happier? Really? It was a sad realization. He did prefer the pretend me.
Chapter 14
I woke feeling no more satisfied than I had the day before. It was fairly early and Sophia was still asleep. Hert sat down on the bed next to me. His look of concern cautioned me before a word was spoken. With the feeling I was on the verge of receiving unpleasant information, I quietly sat up, wondering if I would again wish for ignorance after.
“I’m taking a week off. Then I’ll be gone for a week.” Hert started.
I shrugged in an effort to appear nonchalant on the subject.
He continued, “In case you’re wondering, I’m not taking off because something might go wrong while I’m gone. I’m taking off because I need to talk to Roberts before I go and I don’t know where he is.”
Scowling at him, I questioned, “What do you mean you don’t know where he is?”
Shaking his head slightly, he answered, “I don’t.”
My curiosity was peeked as I pressed, “Well why not? And why do you need to talk to him? I thought he didn’t have anything to do with The Office.”
He shared, “He doesn’t but…” after a brief pause he continued saying, “He’s in trouble.”
Unwilling to hear anymore, I sighed and stood up.
Headed to the bathroom, I heard Hert say, “You don’t care?”
Without turning back, I stated, “Not really,” and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
I brushed my teeth and while pulling up my hair, I admitted to myself, I did care. Opening the door and stepping out of the bathroom, I found Hert still seated on our bed.
With a heavy sigh, I gave in, “Okay. What kind of trouble?”
“Thought you didn’t care?” he snapped.
Shaking my head, I rolled my eyes at him, turning to walk away. Almost lunging forward Hert caught my arm and pulled me onto the bed.
I stared at him trying to figure out why he was manhandling me. Hert slid closer. Leaning over me he smiled. Smiling back, I raised my eyebrows, questioning his motives. His intentions were clear as he leaned in even closer. Pressing his forehead to mine, Hert smiled even wider.
“Instead of arguing…” he whispered, sliding his arms around me. Unable to think of anything I wanted more at the moment, I leaned forward and kissed him. Feeling every other thought melting away, we were interrupted hearing Sophia cry. With a heavy sigh, Hert kissed me again before getting up. Remembering I had a schedule to keep even though Hert was off, I made my way to the shower while he tended to Sophia.
Showered and dressed, I walked downstairs and into the kitchen. Hert was seated at the table next to Sophia in her high chair.
With a slightly shocked expression, Hert stated, “Wow, you’re all dressed up.”
Lightly smiling, I informed, “I have a Society thing today,” then asked, “Oh, do you want me to come home before we visit your mother or are you going to meet me there?”
Hert instantly shook his head saying, “Neither.”
“Is there a reason why you won’t go see your mother?” I questioned.
He had a blank expression for a moment that peeked my curiosity.
Until he said, “Look, I don’t get to spend a lot of time with Sophia.”
Understanding, I replied, “I know. I hope ya’ll have a good time today. I should be home around five.”
Smiling, I kissed them both goodbye.
The Society Tea was the same as always. Cringing each time I forced myself to smile and be polite. Ladies I knew would celebrate anyone’s downfall but their own interrogated me about Erin. It made me sick knowing they relished every moment of her sadness and heartache. How Erin tolerated this all her life was beyond me. When it was finally over, I was relieved to be at the institution. Somehow, being in a room full of mentally unstable people was easier to take than The Society ladies.
Waiting by the window for Ms. Herterand, I couldn’t shake Hert’s ‘I don’t know where he is’ confession. Working hard at not caring, I found it hard not to. Still very angry with him, but worried now also, I was happy to see Ms. Herterand being wheeled into the room. Instantly smiling at her, I was shocked to see her almost smiling back.
She greeted me, asking, “Rennillia, how are you today?”
Still surprised, I replied, “Good and you must be too.”
Glassy eyed, yet expressive she informed, “My medication has been reduced.”
Thrilled for her I asked, “Did the doctors reevaluate you?”
Ms. Herterand’s blank stare confused me. It was almost as if she couldn’t answer.
Letting go of the reason, I stated, “Well, I hope things keep going better for you.”
“How is Sophia?” she questioned.
Smiling wide, I cheered, “Getting too big! I brought pictures,” digging through my purse, I pulled out an envelope.
As I showed Ms. Herterand the pictures, she said, “She looks just like you did when you were a baby.”
It was easy to forget, in her current state, Ms. Herterand had known me my whole life.
“Would you like to keep them?” I offered, handing her the envelope.
Ms. Herterand nodded and as she was wheeled away, I saw her almost smile again.
Leaving the institution, I hoped Ms. Herterand continued to get better. Thinking it was entirely possible for her to someday have a fresh start and leave her past behind her, it occurred to me, I might know where Emerson was. Back in the car
, I decided to see if maybe I did know where he was instead of going straight home. Pleased with my own decision, I decided if he was there I could go home and tell Hert. Leaving out the part where I checked for myself of course. That way Hert could really be off for a week and not spend his week off searching for Emerson. Taking the road leading right outside town, I pulled into a gravel parking lot. There was a car parked on the side of the building but it wasn’t Emerson’s. Sitting there, I inspected the original Office, very well maintained but vacant for years now. My disappointment swiftly turned to curiosity as I noticed a man walking along the side of the building.
The man was well dressed and professional in appearance. Deciding it was an employee, I started to put the car in reverse, jerking back with surprise as I heard a loud bang against the driver side window. The car was still in park and running but I couldn’t seem to remember what to do. All I could think about was HIM standing on the other side of the car window, glaring at me. Holding my breath, I watched HIM slowly walk backwards never taking HIS eyes off me. The man from the side of the building walked closer to the car. The closer the man got the farther HE stepped away. Serious in expression the man walked to my car window.
I heard the man say, “Mrs. Herterand.”
I nodded focusing on HIM, while the man motioned for me to roll down my window.
I hit the lock button on the doors before slightly rolling my window down. Instantly shaken I felt goose bumps spread across my skin.
The man stated, “Please excuse my nephew’s behavior.”
I was looking into the eyes of the man responsible for my parent’s death.
“Mrs. Herterand, may I ask what brings you here?” he asked.
Rattled by the knowledge I now had, I replied, “I was looking for someone.”
Stone-faced the man questioned, “Did you find who you were looking for?”
Slowly shaking my head, I gazed at the man. HIS presence was no longer a concern as I sat there overcome by the sight of my parent’s murderer.
Not necessarily polite but respectful in tone the man said, “I am…”
“I know who you are,” I stated before he could finish.
He narrowed his eyes at me as if he were seeking information, while I stared directly at him.
Both of us were silent for quite some time before I decided I wasn’t the one to be questioned.
“May I ask why you’re here?” I asked using a direct tone.
With a slight nod the man replied, “I am here by special request.”
I quickly snapped at him, “By who?”
Without answering, he questioned, “Who were you looking for?”
The man was silent for a moment.
When I didn’t respond he stated, “It appears neither of us were here then. It was a pleasure meeting you Mrs. Herterand,” then turned and walked away.
Unsure of what had just taken place, I sat there watching the man as he returned to his car. My fear of HIM lessened, seeing HIS instant obedience to the man. I could tell the man was speaking as I saw HIM hang HIS head and follow. Guilt swelled up through me when their car drove away and I let the man responsible for my parent’s death go without a single ‘How dare you!’
After a long and unsettling drive home, I half expected to find Hert waiting outside to ask me what the hell I was thinking, when I arrived. Walking into the house, I saw Hert sitting on the living room floor with Sophia. He looked up at me smiling wide. Smiling back at him, I scooped Sophia up hugging her tight. Giving her a little kiss, I sat her back down. Walking past Hert, I brushed my fingers across his shoulder as I sat down on the couch. I sat there and watched them smiling and playing, wondering which was worse: the fact that I was keeping another secret from my husband or who I was keeping that secret with.
Noticing every time Hert looked up at me his smile faded into a concerned glance, I decided to go upstairs and change.
Getting up, I said, “I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go change.”
Hert looked up, informing, “The stuff you ordered for the office came today.”
Without turning back I nodded and continued to the stairs. In my room, I changed my clothes and considered the possibility that I was the worst person in the world. As I continued pondering my despicable tendencies, the thought occurred to me that Hert was better off with the pretend me. Instead of portraying a model wife so he would miss the real me, maybe I should try just being what he wanted. No more secrets, no more lies, only honest devotion to my position as Hert’s wife. There was just one last venture I would have to make then that was it. In the mean time, I decided to make my fresh start right now.
Prancing down the stairs, I smiled reaching the bottom. Hert looked up, his expression shifting from worry to relief.
“Oh, I feel better now. What do you want for dinner?” I asked.
Hert’s smile confirmed my correct decision as he said, “I’ll cook. You had a busy day today.”
Nodding slightly, I cheered, “Okay!” as I made my way over to them. Sitting down on the floor, I played with Sophia while Hert got up and made dinner.
When dinner was over and the dishes were washed I gave Sophia a bath. It didn’t take her long to fall asleep. Playing all day with her dad had that effect on her. I quietly walked out of her room and noticed Emerson’s door was open. I was shocked at how much it hurt to see the room emptied of all its previous contents. Reminding myself, this was now Hert’s office, I took a deep breath and stepped in. It still smelled like Emerson. Thinking that needed tending to, I walked across the room and opened the window. I felt sick as I glanced down and saw four circles imbedded into the carpet where his bed once sat. Flashes of all the nights spent in here with him made me dizzy.
Reaching down, I could feel myself frowning as I traced the circle with my finger.
Not noticing Hert walk in, I heard him ask, “Something wrong?”
Quickly looking up to see the questioning look on his face, I replied, “Yea, there’s marks in the carpet.”
Hert walked up next to me taking a closer look.
Smiling now, he shared, “I’m sure it’s fixable,” before saying, “I need to go to bed. I have an early morning tomorrow.”
Smiling back, I stated, “I’m gonna take a shower then I’ll come to bed too.”
We walked to our room together. Watching Hert get into bed, I walked into the bathroom.
Even though I was angry with Emerson, I realized that I was in mourning over the loss of my friend. I loved and missed him. Thinking I had let my emotions get the best of me instead of realizing Emerson was hurting and searching for something to hold onto. I had done the exact same thing when my parents died and he stayed faithful to our friendship. Why couldn’t I? Answering my own question as I stepped out of the bathroom to find Hert sleeping, I needed to do what was necessary to keep my family intact.
Pulling my pajamas on, I watched him sleep. Hert was still everything I had ever wanted. Slowly I climbed into the bed. As I laid there staring at him, I thought about waking him a few times. Each time convincing myself otherwise, I hated the way everything had changed. Somewhere along the way Hert had gone from 'I know you miss him' to 'are you jealous' in reference to Em. Making matters worse, Emerson had no one. Erin left the country, Jackson was done, Hert was disappointed and I kicked him out. How could we treat someone who had always been there for all of us that way? I continued feeling sad for him when I was struck by a revelation.
Reflecting back, it started with Hert and me. When I met Emerson it didn’t take long for it to be the three of us. Then Jackson came along and it was the four of us. Even while I was wasting my life on HIM the three stayed together. So why would this separate Emerson from us. There was no way at this point I could talk to Hert about him but there was a possibility Jackson could be reasoned with. Then he would have someone and I would feel better about this entire situation. Still under the impression I was missing something, I decided to invite Jackson over if he was free. Ju
st to see if he would let something slip.
So much for my fresh start. Easing my own conscience, I convinced myself this was necessary. Truly if they would stop hiding things from me, I would not have to go to such lengths. It was nothing like the things I now wished to unknow. Honestly, the trouble he was in was beside the point. It seemed impossible for us to abandon him in his time of need but that is exactly what we did. I couldn’t think of a time when any of us needed him and he wasn’t there for us. There had to be more. I couldn’t help feeling responsible. The fight between Emerson and Jackson was because of me. Truthfully, I had mixed feeling about Emerson myself. On the one hand, he had been such a good friend to me. On the other hand, he seemed to blame me for all his problems when his father died.
It occurred to me he might be angry over my last conversation with Mr. Roberts. Still feeling guilty myself, over the disrespectful way I spoke to him, maybe that was it. After everything The Roberts’ had done for me, I took an uncalled for tone with Mr. Roberts when he interrupted me from getting information from Emerson. Emerson had defended me, apologized for the things his father said. He shared information with me that was supposed to remain secret and I left. What if Mr. Roberts was angry with Emerson for siding with me? For telling me things I was never supposed to know? To be fair Emerson could have told me he was angry with me. He could have yelled and told me it was all my fault and I would have understood. Instead, he made snide comments and hurtful remarks. I really felt like I had tried my best to be patient and understanding with him, to be his friend, just like he had been my friend. As it turned out, friend was far from what he wanted. I did have feelings for Emerson, feelings of love and friendship. Cringing at the thought, I realized whether I liked admitting it or not, I too had entertained the idea of being more than friends.
If I had kissed Emerson when I first returned, things would be different. Much like our relationship, things would be simple. I would have a comfortable protected environment, safe inside an unrealistic bubble. A bubble that Hert dissolved the moment I saw him in the dining room. I fully believe seeing Hert would have had the same effect on me no matter who I had been with at the time. Would I have had to rebel against my own needs and pretend I didn’t desperately want him? It would have been impossible. Hert was my love. He always had been, it just took me a very long time to realize it. Still, I questioned what I was missing. Why the decisions Emerson made seemed involuntary, yet they were of his own free will. He was somewhere making terrible choices all alone. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Exhausted by my own mind, I fell asleep missing my lost friend.
