by M. Sembera
“You were there, every single time. When you needed me to be there for you, I wasn’t,” he acknowledged.
Shaking my head, I started, “Hert...” before he stopped me saying, “No Renni, I wasn’t. You needed me to be a friend to you when you were with HIM but I couldn’t because it wasn’t how I wanted things. I hurt you Renni. You can blame yourself all you want, but it’s the truth. When I was in the hospital you stayed with me. You brought me back to the house and helped me even though it was hard for you, after I walked out on you.”
Unable to allow him to shoulder all the blame, I informed, “Hert, it’s not all your fault. I made it impossible for you to be my friend when I was with HIM. I should have told you about what happened with Emerson. I should have told you a lot of things but I didn’t.”
He confessed, “I don’t know how to make this right.”
Reaching over, I held his hand offering, “Maybe you can’t.”
Letting go of my hand, he placed his head in both of them.
Realizing he missed the meaning of my statement, I decided to explain myself.
“Hert listen to me,” I started as he looked over at me, I continued saying, “You did what you did and you can’t make it right. There’s no undoing it but that doesn’t mean we can’t move past it.”
There was a skeptical look in his eyes as he asked, “Really?”
Shrugging a little, I said, “We’re gonna have to we have a daughter but we’re not getting anywhere like this. Not the way things are going.” Taking a breath, I continued, “I really don’t know what to do. I know I’m incredibly frustrated all the time.”
He informed me, “I know you think you’re the only one. I’m just as frustrated as you are. In fact, the second night I was back at the house, Renni if I hadn’t been in so much pain there is no way I would have let you leave the room.”
Tingling everywhere from his words, I couldn’t stand it. Knowing for certain he wanted me as much as I wanted him was enough for the moment. Placing my hands on the sides of his face, I kissed him. As my mind flashed with delightful scenarios, I quickly pulled away.
Staring at him, I realized I wasn’t nearly as smart as I thought I was. Every little plan I had always ended badly. Reflecting on past events, I was offended by my own obvious lack of personal insight. Temporary was the most I ever received. Now I was left with the knowledge that there was no way to succeed.
Hert’s solemn expression worried me and I was afraid to speak. I watched his expression carefully.
“Renni, I need to know something,” he asked scooting closer to me. My eyes questioned him as he continued, “Will you stay married to me, no matter what happens between us?”
I stared at him for a moment.
Scowling, he clarified, “No matter what we decide is best?”
Shaking my head slightly, I started to feel sick. Breathing in and out slowly, I wanted to cry.
Hert moved a little closer to me, asking, “Will you?”
I replied, “I don’t know how to answer that.”
“Renni?” Hert questioned.
Shaking my head, I looked down.
Hert pleaded, “Renni, look at me.”
Shaking my head, I could no longer hold back. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I felt Hert’s hand on my side. His touch drew me closer to him. Almost involuntarily, I changed position resting my head on his lap, curling towards him, I cried.
I was comforted, feeling his hand lightly squeeze my shoulder as he apologized, “I’m sorry I left. I wish I hadn’t.” Brushing my hair back from my face, he continued saying, “I wish I….”
Wiping my eyes, I rolled onto my back. Looking up at him, I questioned, “If you want to stay married, why did you leave? Really?”
Hert stayed silent.
“So how am I supposed to believe you won’t just leave again?” I asked.
Shrugging his shoulders at me, he looked away.
Sitting up, I wiped the tears from my eyes, questioning, “Does that mean you don’t know if you’ll just leave me again or you don’t know how I can trust that you won’t?”
Turning his face farther from mine, Hert shrugged again. In an instant, I was on my feet. Wanting him to swear he would never leave again, I couldn’t hide my outrage.
Standing in front of him, I shouted, “You’re ridiculous!” Taking a breath, I continued saying, “If you can’t promise me a life with you then why the hell did you marry me?”
Shaking my head at him while he refused to look at me, I walked away.
Quietly walking up the stairs, I made my way to Hert’s room. Standing in the middle of the room, I stared at the floor. Frustrated, I tried to think. Unable to bring myself to ask him to leave, I weighed the possibilities of him continuing to stay here. Looking over, I saw Hert walk in.
“Renni, I need you,” he swore.
His words made me angry as I replied, “I don’t want you in here.”
Scowling, he stated, “This is my room.”
“I don’t care whose room it is. I’m in here right now so go somewhere else,” I said as Hert walked closer to me.
Narrowing my eyes at him, I held my hand up warning him, “Don’t touch me.”
His eyes were soft as he disobeyed.
Moving closer to me, he placed his hand on the side of my neck saying, “I want you.” Hert leaned his forehead to mine, swearing, “Renni, I will always want you.”
Pained with emotion, I held myself together replying, “People don’t always get what they want.”
Hert’s hand moved to the back of my neck, pressing my forehead into his as he revealed, “Renni, I need you.”
Moving my arms up, I pressed my hand into his chest, moving myself away from him.
Hert appeared wounded as I stepped away and sat down on the bed. I was starting to feel sick. He stood there staring at me as I pulled my knees into my chest hugging them tight.
Shaking my head, I asked, “Why are you doing this to me?”
“I’m sorry,” he answered taking a step towards me.
Thinking he was hiding something, I stated, “You keep saying that but I know there’s something else. I don’t even know what you’re sorry for.”
With a defeated look, Hert confessed, “I can’t lose you,” and left the room.
Angry with myself for letting him get to me, I took a deep breath. Why should I feel bad for him? Why should his want or need have any effect on me at all? I had every right not to trust him and he had no right to require anything from me.
Chapter 6
Unable to recall what I was dreaming about, I got up. Thinking I should go back to bed, I decided to check on Hert instead. After finding Sophia’s room empty, I walked downstairs and found him sitting on the couch.
Sitting down next to him, I informed, “You should be asleep.”
He started to say, “Renni I…” until I stopped him, stating, “Look. I just...” Hert broke in this time saying, “No you look. You say you love me and then get all upset. Twice you kissed me because you wanted to but when I get close you say ‘Don’t touch me’.” Scooting closer to me, he reached his hand out saying, “If we admit we don’t know what we’re doing, what would it hurt?”
Suddenly, I felt nervous. Not in a bad way. It was more like the feeling I would have had the first time he kissed me, had I known it was coming. Still, I was hesitant. As he moved even closer, I slid my hand out from under his. Before I could scoot back, Hert wrapped his arms around me.
“This is irresponsible,” I breathed.
Leaning in, he kissed my cheek and down my neck, whispering, “It’s okay to be a little irresponsible sometimes.”
As Hert’s beard brushed against my neck and shoulder, I melted into him. His hand replaced his lips on my neck. Gently rubbing my chin with his thumb, he pressed his lips to mine. As I kissed him back, my hands gravitated to the sides of his face. I wanted to press myself against him.
Maintaining my position, I struggled not to f
orget myself. Hert’s kisses slowed. Pulling away slightly, he stopped kissing me altogether.
His voice was soft as he stated, “I want you.”
Shaking my head, I looked down saying, “I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt you.”
“I know this doesn’t change anything,” he informed.
It took me a second before I shared, “I meant, your ribs,” as I lightly placed my hand on his side.
Before I knew it, Hert’s lips were against mine. More serious than before, he seemed to have intent and purpose this time. The more Hert kissed me, the more I realized I did not want him to stop. I managed to block every attempt he made at advancement. It seemed to intensify his kiss. Growing aware of his frustration, I continued resisting him.
Suddenly, I sat up in bed. Finding myself alone in Hert’s bed, I was instantly depressed. It had been the most realistic dream ever but it was still just a dream. Recalling how vivid it was, I did find it odd that I was the responsible one in the dream. My mind understood what had occurred however, my body seemed unable to adjust. Sitting in bed, I deliberated whether to try falling back asleep in hopes to finish my dream or just get up and start my day. Glancing over at the clock, I found it to be five thirty in the morning. Starting the day won out as I got out of bed and took a shower.
Once I was dressed, I walked into the hallway. Headed downstairs, I was side tracked seeing Hert in his office. Sophia was coming home today and I did not want things to be left with Hert and me not speaking when she arrived. Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the doorway and lightly tapped on the open door.
Hert looked up from is desk at me as I asked, “Can I talk to you?”
He nodded and I walked in. Pulling a chair to the front of his desk, I sat down.
I started by confessing, “I don’t wanna lose you either.”
Hert looked at me, imparting, “I’ve asked you to put up with so many things that I wouldn’t tolerate.” I gave a confused look as he explained, “There’s no way I would put up with you going out of town, not knowing where you were. I keep things from you all the time. Things I know you want to know. But when I found out you knew about my mother and Mr. Roberts, it made me mad that you knew and didn’t tell me.”
It was hard to comprehend how honest Hert was being.
I took a moment to consider the best way to handle his revelation. Recalling Ms. Herterand saying, ‘My son protects you, you need to protect him,’ I decided to be understanding.
“Just because I want to know something doesn’t mean I should,” I stated.
Hert looked angry, griping, “Why do you do that?”
“Do what?” I asked, surprised my understanding was not well received.
Seemingly irritated, he complained, “You say things like that but I know you don’t mean it.”
“So you want me to throw fits and question you until we fight?” I suggested.
Scowling, he answered, “No.”
Shaking my head at him, I questioned, “Then what do you really want?” Taking a breath I wanted to stay on point as I continued, “It’s not just us Hert. We have Sophia to consider in all this. You and I made a commitment to raise her in a happy home. I think we have time to figure out what we are going to do about us before she’s old enough to notice what’s going on. We haven’t even been married a year yet. So I think this is probably a good time to get it figured out. In the meantime, I think we both need to come to some sort of an agreement on living arrangements and stuff like that.”
Hert leaned forward, slightly questioning, “Will you stay married to me?”
Frustrated his question led the conversation in a different direction; I stood up and started to walk out.
Hert stood up too, saying, “Wait. You’re right Sophia is the priority.”
Pleased that he realized this was important, I sat back down.
He sat down.
Sliding his chair right up to the desk, Hert rested his folded arms on top, stating, “Okay, it’s a little after six. Jackson is bringing Sophia home at four. We have all day, let’s come to an agreement.”
His tone made me feel like I was in a business meeting. I sat up tall in my chair, trying to pretend I wasn’t hoping this was some deranged fantasy come true.
Opening a desk drawer, Hert pulled out a piece of paper and a pen.
Laying them on the desk, he said, “Let’s hear it.”
“Hear what?” I asked.
Raising his eyebrows, he replied, “Your proposal.”
I rolled my eyes, saying, “This is stupid Hert. I just wanted to set a few ground rules.”
Scowling at me, he informed, “I know and we are going to do that. Also we are going to do it right, put it down on paper and both sign it.”
Trying to be smart without really thinking, I spouted, “Oh, will it be going into my file?”
Hert’s face was serious as he informed, “You don’t have a file.”
Nodding my head at him, I sarcastically snapped, “Sure I don’t.”
Jumping out of his chair, he limped to the closet. Reaching up, he grabbed a folder off the top shelf.
“You’re right! There is something in there!” he shouted at me as he slammed the folder on the desk. Wide eyed, I jumped a little, hearing him shout, “There it is!” before he limped out, slamming his office door behind himself.
I sat there staring at the folder. RMC-H was stamped across the front. Finally, I worked up the courage to open it.
Inside there was one sheet of paper that read:
Rennillia Marie Cantinelli-Herterand
Parents: 2
Deangelo Cantinelli (DMC)-(NROF-D)
Margaret Cantinelli (MKC)-(NROF-D)
Spouse: 1
Scott Vincent Herterand (SVH)
Child: 1
Sophia Herterand (SH)
Affiliation: 3
MR Industries (SVM)(NROF-D)
The Society (EER)
JPT Financial/Trust Accounts (JPT/2)
It was altogether unimpressive and not at all what I expected. Feeling guilty that my mouth had once again interrupted what could have been real progress for us, I laid the folder on the desk.
I walked out of the office, knowing Hert was in his room. Knocking on the door, I hoped he would open it so I could apologize. His voice came through, granting me permission to enter. Opening the door, I saw Hert sitting on his bed.
Walking towards him, I asked, “Can I sit down?”
Hert nodded, sliding over. I sat down facing him.
Glancing at the cast on his leg, I admitted, “I know you were just trying to handle things the right way and I was wrong.”
Narrowing his eyes at me, Hert questioned, “Are you saying that because your file wasn’t what you thought?”
“Kinda, but that’s not the only reason,” I answered. Hert glared at me until I looked away saying, “I want to be mature about this. It’s really just a stupid…you were sitting behind your desk all professional like and I had that stupid dream. I didn’t pick a fight on purpose. I don’t know what else to do except, say I’m sorry. We can make a list like you wanted.”
“Hold on a minute. I thought you wanted me to be that way. And what dream?” he asked.
Considering I had offered too much information, I changed the subject, saying, “Why don’t I make some breakfast and we can discuss what we are going to do downstairs.”
Slightly smiling, he suggested, “We could or we can stay right here and be grownups.”
“We can’t be grownups downstairs?” I questioned.
With a loud sigh, Hert replied, “Renni, I’m tired. My side hurts and my leg is sore. Please don’t make me chase you all over the house today.”
Guilt ran through me when I realized I was more considerate in my dream than in reality. Deciding to be thoughtful, I let go of my issues for the moment.
I smiled softly at him, offering, “We can worry about details later. Let’s just agree that when Sophia is home and we are both here, w
e won’t let it affect her. No matter what’s going on.”
Hert nodded.
With that settled, I asked, “Is there anything I can do? Do you need something?”
Shaking his head, Hert informed, “I’m going to rest for a little bit then I need to get back to work.”
Nodding, I gave a light smile before leaving the room.
Back downstairs, I ate breakfast and finished washing clothes. Glancing at the clock, I decided to go ask Hert what he would like me to cook for dinner. When I reached his office, I was a little surprised to find it empty. I opened the door to his room and found him asleep.
I patted his chest, saying, “Hey, it’s a little after one.”
He smiled at first and then opening his eyes, he scowled and slowly got up. I could tell when he limped to the bathroom he was in pain. When he came out, I walked over to him.
“Does your side hurt?” I asked.
With a serious nod, he replied, “I think I pulled it or something.”
Feeling responsible, I offered, “Well, let me look at it.”
Lifting the front of his shirt, I slowly ran my hand down his side and back up again, trying to make sure nothing felt out of place.
“It doesn’t feel like…” I started to say as he grabbed my wrist, griping, “I’m sure it’s fine!” and quickly moved my hand away.
Startled by his irritation, I questioned, “What did I do?”
He yelled at me, “Nothing!”
Shrinking back slightly, I couldn’t understand why he was angry with me. After wondering if I had hurt him when I was checking his ribs, I sat down on the bed motioning for him to lie down.
When he did, I asked, “Did I hurt you?”
He glared at me, stating, “No.”
Continuing to question him, I inquired, “Then will you tell me why you’re mad?”
“I’m not mad!” he blurted.
Refusing to let him get away with his disposition, I scooted right beside him saying, “You’re being really mean.”
“I’m mean!” he exclaimed, turning to face me and yelling, “You think I’m mean? Then you pull your shirt up and let me rub all over you!”
Suddenly, I was angry with him. After all it was his fault we were in this state.
