by M. Sembera
“What do you need from me?” I questioned.
His smile disappeared as he stated, “To stay married to me.”
Swallowing hard, I warned, “I don’t know if I can do that,” before standing up.
Visibly panicked, he shared, “I will lose everything.”
“There has to be a way around it,” I said, wishing he felt that way about me.
Taking a deep breath, he informed, “There is one way but I’m not going to ruin Mr. Roberts’ reputation.”
Finding it hard not to hate him a little bit for that statement, I assured, “I will not let you lose everything you have worked so hard for.”
Turning away, I walked out of his office.
As mad as it made me that Hert was willing to sacrifice me for his cause and no one else, I decided if he did lose The Office, he would have hurt me for nothing. I changed my clothes and slid my shoes on. Walking downstairs, I noticed Emerson and Jackson were in the kitchen. I needed to get out of the house for a little while. The table was set back in its place and the two of them were standing at the bar.
Grabbing my keys, I said, “I’ll be back in a few hours.”
Hert walked into the kitchen saying, “You shouldn’t go by yourself.”
Shaking my head, I walked past him assuring, “I’ll be fine.”
He reached out to grab my arm and I took a step back holding my hand up as I stated, “Don’t touch me.”
His eyes were apologetic as he offered, “I’m sorry.”
I looked him in the eye and said, “It’s okay, just don’t.”
Hert didn’t respond.
As I continued to the back door, Jackson suggested, “Let me drive you.”
Hert agreed, saying, “You shouldn’t drive yourself, call a driver or let him take you.”
With a slight nod, I walked out the back door.
Sitting quietly in the car as we drove down the street, I wondered why Jackson didn’t ask me where I wanted to go.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
Jackson replied, “I want to talk to you.”
Unhappy but unwilling to argue, I quietly nodded.
“So what is the whole ‘not worth the fight’ thing about?” he questioned.
Shaking my head, I informed, “Its just like saying something’s not worth it.”
“I know what the saying means,” he replied.
On the verge of tears, I said, “I’m more trouble than I’m worth.”
“Why would you say that?” he asked.
Thinking of our relationship, I answered, “Because it’s true.”
I didn’t look at him but I knew he was shaking his head at me.
Pulling into the parking lot of his apartment complex, he stopped the car. I knew Jackson wanted to impart some of his patented words of wisdom. Not in the mood to hear it, I begrudgingly got out of the car and followed him to his door. He opened it wide, allowing me to walk in first. Walking through, Jackson flipped lights on in the living room and kitchen. There was a slight flicker of regret when I saw my centerpiece sitting on his table. Thinking we should just get this over with, I sat down on his couch.
“Hert and I have settled things between us, so why are we here?” I questioned.
Sitting down next to me, Jackson replied, “I want to talk to you.”
Rolling my eyes, I stated, “I really don’t want to hear you tell me how everything’s going to be fine. Just so we’re on the same page, things aren’t okay they’ve never been okay and there never going to be.”
With a curious expression, he asked, “Why did you flip out on Hert like that?”
Baffled as to why he was blaming me, I snapped, “I’m not going to let him tell me what to do.”
“I know but is it because you still want him?” he questioned.
I had to be honest with Jackson.
Inhaling and exhaling slowly, I confessed, “It’s not that simple. I should have seen it before. The more I think about it, that is exactly what I wanted to change for Sophia by leaving HIM. I don’t know how to explain it to you so you understand. It’s just the way I am and it’s the way Hert is too. I wish I had what your parents have but it’s never going to be that way for me.”
Scowling at me, Jackson questioned, “You’re not still in love with him?”
Shrugging, I said, “I love him but I was in love with the idea of something that was never really there. We came to an understanding with each other and I can’t be married to him anymore but I also can’t just let all of this be for nothing either.”
Nodding at me, Jackson offered, “Why don’t we just hang out here.”
“I wanted to go to your parent’s house,” I snapped.
With a slight smile, Jackson cleared his throat before saying, “I know but my mom is really worried about you with Hert coming back and all. If she sees you like this… let’s just stay here okay.”
And there I was, not thinking of anyone but myself again. I wanted to go to The Thomas’ house because it would make me feel better. It didn’t occur to me how it would make them feel. Nodding at him, I leaned my head on the arm of the couch and closed my eyes.
Chapter 3
I woke with a blanket covering me and two more hours of sleep for the day. Slowly sitting up, I looked around. Jackson was sitting at his kitchen table. I wrapped the blanket around myself and walked to the kitchen.
“Are you hungry?” he asked, sliding a brown paper sack towards me.
Shaking my head at him, I replied, “I’m not hungry,” before asking, “You don’t happen to have an extra toothbrush do you?”
With a quick nod, he said, “Second drawer on the left,” and took a bite of his burger.
Giving him a little smile, I walked to the bathroom. I found the extra toothbrush, opened it and brushed my teeth. Glaring at myself in the mirror, I thought, Jackson was right I looked like hell. Pulling my hair down, I ran my fingers through it and pulled it back up before stepping back into his little dining area. Taking a seat next to him at his table, I watched him finish eating. I could tell something was bothering him and I knew what it was.
When he was done, he grabbed his drink off the table and handed me mine. We both headed to the couch.
Sitting down first, Jackson informed, “I called Hert and told him we were here.”
I took a sip of my drink before asking, “How did that go?”
With a slight frown, he replied, “He apologized,” before asking, “Are you ready to go back?”
“Not really,” I admitted.
Catching me completely by surprise, Jackson asked, “Do you want to stay here with me?”
Leaning closer, I laid my arm against him and rested my head on his shoulder, answering, “I have to stay at the house.”
“Ren,” he started before scooting away from me saying, “That’s not what I asked you.”
Worried, I said, “But that’s my answer.”
Changing the subject, he asked, “What do you plan to do?”
Sighing, I replied, “I’m not sure yet, I need to find out how Salvador found out about Sophia first and then there is the issue of what he wants from me and…”
Stopping me, Jackson said, “I mean after that.”
Confused, I asked, “What do you mean?”
With a serious expression, Jackson answered, “Say everything works out,” before asking, “What do you plan to do after all this?”
Realizing he hadn’t changed the subject, I blurted, “Oh,” before saying, “Well, I guess…I think it would be good for me to be on my own for a while.”
Still serious, he asked, “You wanna be on your own?”
Shrugging, I replied, “Maybe, I mean… I never have been before. I went from my parent’s house to HIS then Emerson’s. I think it would be good for me, ya know.”
Nodding, I could tell he agreed even though he still appeared unhappy.
Thinking about how I was mostly responsible for this conversation because of how I acted
after the Society Ball, I wondered if I was making it hard for Jackson to be my friend. Instead of jumping to the wrong conclusion, I decided to just ask.
Scooting closer to him, I said, “If it’s hard being my friend, then tell me what I can do to make it easier.”
Shaking his head at me, Jackson didn’t respond.
Nudging him slightly, I urged, “Come on, you’ve helped me out so many times, tell me what I can do.”
“I’m always your friend,” he finally said.
With a sigh, I asked, “What do you want me to do Jacks?”
Jackson started to smile then shook his head.
“Talk to me,” I urged.
Taking a moment to think, he asked, “You really want me to answer you?”
“Well…” was all I could get to come out of my mouth.
Nodding, he offered, “Because I think you already know.”
With a deep breath, I questioned, “Don’t you want what your parents have?”
“Not everybody gets that,” he replied.
Feeling we were on the same page now, I asked, “I know but is that what you want?”
Narrowing his eyes at me, Jackson took a moment before asking, “That depends, are you offering?”
Slowly shaking my head, I said, “You can take me back to the house now.”
Quickly standing up, Jackson walked to the kitchen, grabbed his keys off the table then slammed them back down.
I watched him sit down at his table and wondered if honesty would really be the best policy here.
I stood up and started to walk towards him until he stated, “Just stay over there for a minute.”
Shaking my head at him, I whispered, “Please don’t be mad at me.”
With a heavy sigh, Jackson swore, “I wish I was mad at you,” as I stood there staring at him, he continued saying, “It’s so easy for you but it’s not for me.”
Swallowing hard, I stepped to the table.
“This isn’t easy for me,” I shared, placing my hand on his shoulder.
He argued, “Yes it is, you have all the control and you don’t even realize it.”
Wanting to be closer to him, I asked, “Will you please come sit on the couch with me?”
“Why?” he blurted before asking, “So you can get me to make you feel better then have me take you back?”
“Yes but let me try to explain it to you so maybe you can understand why and then you’ll feel better too,” I admitted.
Looking into my eyes, he questioned, “Why?”
“I’m not right for anyone,” I answered before turning and walking back to the couch.
Sitting down, I watched Jackson slowly make his way to me.
Standing in front of me, he looked down at me asking, “What do you want me to do?”
Taking a breath, I looked up at him saying, “Tell me everything’s going to be ok. Tell me that I’m not going to lose you because of this.”
Sitting down next to me, Jackson placed his arm around my shoulders.
Reaching his other arm across my lap, he held my hand, assuring, “There is nothing on this earth that could make that happen.”
“How do you know?” I questioned.
With a slight laugh he replied, “Because I’m really smart.”
Nodding, I agreed, “You are,” before asking, “So what the hell are you hangin’ around with me for?”
“I’ve been asking myself that everyday since I met you,” he laughed.
Making a face before I stuck my tongue out at him, I let go of his hand and wrapped my arm around his neck hugging him tight.
Our hug lasted longer than necessary to get the point across. The longer we sat there, the more I realized, we were holding each other. There were things I wanted to say and so much I wished I had the nerve to do but as Jackson slowly let go, I knew this was going to hurt.
Braver than me, Jackson whispered, “Don’t go back.”
Slowly pulling away, I shared, “I have to.”
Leaning forward, he rested his head against the inside of my shoulder, offering, “Stay with me.”
Shaking my head, I replied, “I can’t and this morning when I told you how I felt, you promised nothing would change.”
Sitting back, he asked, “Is that really what you want?”
“It is but that doesn’t mean…,” I started before he stopped me saying, “This is hard for me.”
Nodding, I suggested, “We have to figure something out because this isn’t working anymore.”
“What isn’t?” he questioned.
With a light sigh, I answered, “The balance.”
Jackson gave a confused expression before nodding.
Wondering if it would be better just to leave than to continue this conversation, I pulled my knees into my chest and rested my head on them. I wanted to be honest with him, to tell him everything I was thinking but what if it caused more harm than good. What if some things were really better left unsaid. What if when it was all said and done Jackson and I …
My next thought was interrupted when Jacks offered, “Maybe we are spending too much time together.”
Closing my eyes, I nodded, saying, “Maybe.”
Then taking a deep breath, he shared, “The thing is though, I don’t want to be away from you.”
Nodding again, I didn’t respond.
Reaching his hand out, Jackson placed it over mine, saying, “I’m scared too.”
Quickly looking up at him, I asked, “You are?”
“But I think if we’re committed to each other, we can make it work,” he imparted.
My thoughts became undefined as I questioned, “As friends?”
With a slight smile he nodded, confirming, “As friends.”
Then out of need, or possibly hope, I asked, “Because that’s all you want from me?”
His expression changed as he asked, “What do you think would have happened if I had kissed you last night?”
“I don’t know,” I replied before saying, “If you wanted to know then you should have.”
Jackson appeared serious as he scooted closer, informing, “It’s not fair for you to tell me you want one thing and then be mad at me when that’s what I do.”
A bit irritated that he was calling me out like that, I fussed, “Life’s not fair.”
“Look Ren, if you want me to do something that I’m not doing then you’re gonna have to tell me because I don’t know what the right thing to do here is,” he said.
Appreciating the effort he was making, I imparted, “I think your trying to do the right thing in a situation where there is no right thing to do. No matter what we do it’s wrong because this is a messed up situation that is only gonna end up with everyone getting hurt.”
“I’m not gonna hurt you,” he assured.
Unable to stand it anymore, I blurted, “I’m already hurt,” before sharing, “I can’t have what I really want and I don’t even want what it’s possible for me to have. The best solution is for me to get done what needs to be accomplished and then be on my own. I know you think that’s unfair to you but I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone and you’re just going to have to understand, that is never going to change.”
Without a word, he stood up, walked to the kitchen and grabbed his keys off of the table. Staring at him, I nodded as I got up and followed him out the door.
Pulling up at the house, I wasn’t ready to go back in. Lingering outside the back door, I wished I had said something in the car.
“Jacks, I have to say something to you,” I stated.
Looking down at me, he asked, “Oh, there’s more?”
“None of what I said changes the way I feel about you. This whole thing sucks and it’s all my fault but I’m going to fix it. I just need you to understand.”
“I do understand. I get it Ren,” he assured before lowering his voice and saying, “It’s you that doesn’t.”
Confused, I asked, “What don’t I get?”
Slightly r
olling his shoulder, I knew he was trying hard not to fidget as he informed, “All the things you’re sad about and everything you think you’re gonna miss, I’m missing out on them too,” as I started to speak he stopped me saying, “No, I’m not going to find someone. I only want those things with you.”
Shaking my head in disbelief, I whispered, “Jacks.”
Shrugging, he declared, “You’re my everything.”
Standing there knowing he was sincere, I couldn’t help thinking, ‘is this what real love feels like.’ I was in no way equipped to handle this. It was honest and reassuring and at the same time scary as hell. He was giving me a gift, just like Mrs. Thomas said, but I had no idea what to do with it.
I started to say, “But I …” when we heard the faint ring of the doorbell.
Glancing at each other as we stepped inside, our talk would have to wait. Emerson was standing in the living room, appearing unsure of what to do.
Rushing towards him, I asked, “Where’s Hert?”
Shrugging, Emerson replied, “Mr. Ramsden picked him up.”
I panicked for a second before ordering, “Go upstairs. Jacks, go with him and stand outside the door. No matter what, don’t say a word and no one knows he’s here.”
After giving me a disapproving glare, Jackson complied. As the doorbell rang a second time, I made my way to the front door.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to prepare myself for what was on the other side.
Relieved but confused, I greeted, “Angelina,” when I opened the door.
With an unfriendly smile she stepped in, questioning, “Is your little playmate here?”
Instantly defensive, I blurted, “Pardon?”
Looking me up and down she said, “You’ve looked better.”
Forcing a smile, I questioned, “Can I help you?”
“No but you can help yourself,” she snapped, “It would be in your best interest to take my advice.”
“And that would be?” I asked.
Narrowing her eyes at me she assured, “You have no idea who you’re dealing with. I am not going to let you stand in the way.”
Mirroring her expression, I stated, “Neither do you and what exactly am I standing in the way of?”
Visibly angry, Angelina swore, “I have tried subtle with you. Now, let me be clear, whatever it is you’re asked to do, you’re going to do it.”
