“Yes!”
He stiffened, his expression becoming guarded.
Hugging herself, she tried to explain. “It might give them expectations.”
His jaw hardened, if that was possible. “I repeat—would that be so bad?”
“It’s too fast.” And...when she said expectations, was their thinking the same?
He stared at her for what had to be thirty seconds. Then he mumbled what she felt sure was an obscenity and let his head fall forward. He scrubbed his hand over his head, mussing his hair worse than she had. “Okay,” he said finally. “Can we sit down and talk?”
Was she ready for that? But maybe he meant talk talk, not the talk. Decompressing would make it more possible for them to go on the way they had been. “I have to absorb what’s happened.”
He nodded. “Would you like some coffee?”
“It would keep me awake.”
He walked into the living room and sank into an easy chair facing one of the sofas. His message was clear—he’d keep his distance.
“We always seem to get interrupted when the kids are around,” he said gruffly.
“Here I was thinking how well they entertain themselves.”
She settled at one end of the sofa, curling her bare feet under her. When she looked up, it was to see his gaze lingering on her feet.
He surprised her by not starting right in on their relationship. Instead, he sounded thoughtful when he said, “I never realized how lonely Molly must have been. Being an only kid is tough. When Sonja’s drinking got bad, Molly was so scared, but she still thought her mom was all she had. My fault.”
They argued about that for a minute, before he said, “I wonder if she’s really a shy introvert or whether she had to learn to be self-sufficient.”
“She’s not very shy with my two,” Anna agreed. Talking to him like this relaxed her. They’d done it so often it felt comfortable. Okay, and intimate, too, especially with the house dark around them.
“No. Until there’s conflict. That upsets her.”
She smiled. “Give her another couple of months. Dealing with Jenna and Josh will cure her of that.”
Nate laughed. “They do act like siblings.”
She tried to hide her retreat, but suspected she’d failed.
Nate rolled his shoulders. “I’m staying over here, Anna.” His knuckles showed white as he gripped the arms of the chair. “It’s been killing me to keep my distance.”
“I thought...” She moistened her lips. “That our arrangement—” her intonation echoed his when he used the phrase “—was working so well we shouldn’t mess with it.”
“I never thought that. I was respecting your wishes. You needed time to mourn.”
Her “oh” was almost soundless.
“I meant to give you longer. But I want you, Anna. You have to know that.”
She gave a small nod.
“You’ve made it clear the feeling is mutual.”
A denial would be pointless. “This is...a big leap. Can’t we take it slower?”
“With more family dinners?”
“We do have time to ourselves.” She knew she was begging. “We don’t always have to talk about the kids.”
His face softened. “Don’t get me wrong. I like it when we talk about them.”
Her smile felt tremulous. “Me, too.”
Nate let out a long breath. “Okay. I let myself get impatient. I’ll try to rein it in.”
Anna ached to ask whether he’d been waiting all this time for sex, or more. Did she want more? Had the complications really dissipated? She couldn’t be sure, but already knew that new ones had sprung up like weeds in spring. She had to think about his motives, and her own.
“I need to go to bed.”
“I won’t argue.” But he did stand when she did and walked her to the foot of the stairs. And when he said, “May I kiss you good-night?” she nodded.
This kiss was fleeting and so tender her eyes stung as she climbed the stairs without letting herself look back.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
SONJA SMILED WHEN Nate and Molly appeared in the doorway of the small visitors’ room at the rehab center. “Thanks for bringing her, Nate.”
“I’m glad to,” he said, which wasn’t completely true. He was beat tonight after a stressful day. He would have given a lot to stay home, starting with a lingering cup or two of coffee with Anna that led to a kiss when the kids were out of sight. On the other hand, he was genuinely glad that Sonja had only days left to complete the monthlong program. For her sake, and for Molly’s. “Sounds like the Mariners are on.” He nodded down the hall toward the rec room. “You’ll know where to find me.”
Sonja smiled brightly, while Molly gave him an apprehensive look before dutifully going to her mother. Nate retreated, wondering if Sonja had a clue how much ground she had to make up with Molly.
He nodded at the few patients who glanced his way when he stepped into the recreation room. The Mariners were playing the Rangers and were down two runs in the fourth inning. He watched Major League baseball only occasionally, mostly glancing at scores on the Seattle Times sports page. He had to be able to make small talk with potential investors.
A triple by the Mariners shortstop kept his attention for a few minutes, although even then he had multiple tracks going in his head. What were Sonja and Molly talking about? Would Anna and her kids wait at the house for them to come home, or would they have returned to the apartment? Then there were his major second thoughts about getting into the snowboard business. He’d persuaded investors to put up one hell of a lot of money, and they’d hold him responsible if they lost it. His usual confidence seemed to have gone down the toilet.
Hubris. Damn, if you lost it, could you ever get it back?
Maybe if he managed to have sex again someday, he’d bounce back. Get cocky. The intentional pun amused him.
He half watched the game, skimmed emails and texts on his phone, and counted the minutes.
Not wanting to be the bad guy, he waited until Sonja and Molly came looking for him. Sonja walked them to the entrance doors, where he gave her a quick hug and said, “Congratulations on toughing it out.”
Molly and she embraced, and then he was out the door with his daughter, feeling he could finally take a deep breath. He held Molly’s hand until he had to let her go to get in the Lexus.
The drive home was quieter than usual. When he asked if she’d had a good visit with her mom, she answered, “Uh-huh.” Not a happy uh-huh, not a sad one. Just...neutral. He didn’t want her to think she had to report every word said to him, which meant he couldn’t push.
Sure enough, from the driveway he saw a figure moving in front of the window above the garage, and he and Molly found the house silent when they let themselves in.
“You know what?” he said. “I’m going to have another piece of that apple pie if Josh didn’t polish it off. Would you like one, too?”
This “uh-huh!” was a lot more enthusiastic. No surprise, since she’d picked at her dinner. She always did when she knew she’d be visiting her mom.
He dished up, scooping ice cream onto both pieces, and carried them to the table. Damn, that pie was good, even though it might have been better if he’d thought to warm it in the microwave.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah?” He chased melting vanilla ice cream with his fork.
“Mommy said this was the last time I’d have to visit her there.”
“That’s true,” he agreed. Unless Sonja fell off the wagon, of course.
“She said we’d be home again before I know it.”
We’d? Alarm bells rang. “As in, you going back to the condo with her?”
Perplexity showed on her freckled face. “I think so.”
How should he handle this?
H
e set down his fork. “I need to say this straight out.”
She stared at him.
“You won’t be going home with your mother for a while. She needs to prove to both of us that she won’t backslide and start drinking again. I’ve told her what I’m telling you—you’re staying here for the time being. In fact, I think you should finish the school year here no matter what. You and she will have visits. Once we’re all more confident, you can have an overnight. But it has to be when you’re ready. I know you don’t want to hurt your mom’s feelings, so it’ll be me who’s being the bad guy.”
Tears sprang into her green eyes. “I like it here!”
He scooted his chair back and plucked her out of hers to set her on his lap. Holding her close, his chin on top of her head, Nate said, “I like having you here, too. No matter what happens, I don’t want to go back to seeing you twice a month. I think we can figure out a way for us both to have you on a more equal basis, although I don’t know how we’ll arrange that. But right now, your mom still has some work to do.” Did Sonja remember how to function without a mixed drink or a glass of wine in her hand? How would she handle meeting friends for lunch when they were all having a drink? What would happen the first time she had a fit of depression or just got mad? He continued, “Until you feel safe with her, you won’t even be spending the night. She thinks the two of you can go right back to the way it was, but it isn’t that easy.”
Molly shook her head in what was more of a shiver, then whispered something he couldn’t hear.
He resettled her so that he could see her face. “I didn’t hear you.”
Her face crumpled. “I like being with you and Anna. And Jenna, and even Josh, most of the time.”
“Yeah.” He had to clear his throat. “Me, too.”
They cuddled for a long time, until the ice cream formed puddles on their plates.
* * *
ANNA SMILED AT the usual hoots from the family room, but she’d swear Nate was actually glaring that direction.
“What?”
“Do you know how much I’d like to get you alone?” he grumbled. “Can’t we arrange for them all to spend Friday or Saturday night with friends?”
“Jenna has never spent a night away from home.”
“Seriously?” He looked shocked. “She’s almost five.”
Anna was already planning the birthday party, even though mid-May was still a couple weeks away. Jenna wanted to invite all her friends from day care, and Molly and Josh had to be there, and she’d really liked this girl named Fern from Josh’s soccer, so could they ask her, too?
Anna had found a place that offered pony rides, so that’s where the party would start. Nate had suggested the cake and ice cream be here, thank goodness, so she didn’t have to try to squeeze the crowd into the apartment or gamble the weather would be nice so they could do it in a park. May weather in the Pacific Northwest was too risky for that.
“Seriously,” she told him. “Grandparents are usually a first step, and my two don’t have any.”
“Kyle’s parents are gone, too?” He frowned. “I guess I should have realized, or you could have turned to them.”
“He was adopted by an older couple. They got divorced, and he stayed with his mother. She died while he was in college, and by then he’d long since lost touch with his adoptive father. I think...maybe that was a little bit of what drew us together. Everybody else seemed to have family.”
She had craved family, the lack was a bottomless hole inside her until she had her own. Part of a family, she thought now wistfully.
As if he’d read his mind, he said, “You’ll like my parents. Did I tell you they’ll be home in a few weeks?”
Her eyes widened. “No. Where do they live?”
“Vashon Island.”
A short ferry ride from Seattle. “Do you see them often?”
He shrugged. “Every couple of weeks. They pop over to do errands and we have lunch. Mom and Sonja didn’t have much in common, but since the divorce we get together for dinner or they spend the night fairly often. They take Molly for overnights regularly, too. She loves the beach.” His expression shifted. “I’ll bet they’d take the whole crowd.”
Suddenly, it was a little hard to breathe. Anticipation? Panic? Probably both. There was so much she hadn’t worked out—like whether she could enjoy making love with a man who hadn’t offered any commitment. And if he did...she still couldn’t figure out why he’d zeroed in on her.
Guilt. Okay, maybe not that. A sense of responsibility. It almost had to be, didn’t it?
Besides... “Like your parents wouldn’t guess what we were planning to do?”
He grinned. “Would that be so bad?”
“Yes!”
Creases formed between his eyebrows. “Why?”
Only a man would have to ask. “It would be embarrassing. I’m not sure I could ever look them in the eye again.” See his frown deepen, she said, “Let me think about it, okay?”
One eyebrow twitched, but he reached for his coffee without comment.
“You haven’t told me how the visit went yesterday.”
That diverted him.
“Apparently, Sonja thinks Molly will cheerfully move home with her.” He told her about the talk he’d had with Molly yesterday evening.
“Sonja’s going to be unhappy,” Anna said slowly, knowing that was a major understatement. “Feeling positive is important if she’s to succeed.”
“You suggesting I should hand Molly right over?”
“Of course not. But...haven’t you been clear with Sonja about what would happen?”
“I have been.” Sounding deeply irritated, Nate said, “She hears what she wants to hear, and nothing else.” He let out an explosive sigh. “I don’t think Molly wants to go back to living with Sonja.”
“You know she loves her mom.”
He scowled. “Your point?”
“Only that you might have a hard time dealing with it if Molly chooses her mother over you.”
She could tell he hadn’t thought of it that way and wasn’t happy to have to confront the knowledge—or with her for suggesting he might be so selfish.
“It would be easy to influence Molly. I just hope...”
He gave a clipped nod. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Sonja doesn’t want to admit that Molly doesn’t feel safe with her anymore.”
“Despite everything I’ve said, I don’t think she’s even admitted that possibility to herself.” He rubbed a hand over his jaw, the rasping sound faint.
At least he was still talking to her. “How are you going to handle this?”
That was a really nosy question, coming right after she’d sounded as if she was sitting in judgment on him. Except...she and Nate talked over everything happening in their lives. The change from their first stiff conversations over dinner in September to wide-ranging, relaxed, often intimate talks had happened gradually. In fact, she was a little shocked to realize how real, how important, their relationship was, despite her reservations. Her pulse picked up. No wonder he was getting impatient.
Why had she doubted that he wanted a commitment? Whenever he was out evenings, he always warned her in advance and even talked about who he was having dinner with. He never sounded thrilled about what were clearly business dinners or cocktail parties. There’d never been even a hint that he was seeing another woman romantically. If he wasn’t—that meant he hadn’t had sex in at least the seven months since Molly had come to live with him. Maybe since Kyle died. Or even before that. She couldn’t imagine he’d ever been celibate for going on a year, certainly not since his first high school girlfriend.
If he had been now...it was because of her.
She suddenly realized he’d said something—answered her question—and she hadn’t heard him.
“Wha
t’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing.” She was freaking out, that’s what. “I... Nothing. I feel bad for Sonja—” lie, lie “—but worried for Molly, too.”
He reached across the table and clasped her hand. “You and me both.”
Anna smiled shakily and nodded.
Now all she had to do was figure out what her problem was.
* * *
NATE’S HEAD CAME up when he heard an engine in the driveway. Anna and her kids had just gone out the door, but that didn’t sound like her car. Sonja must have arrived early. Unfortunately, sobriety hadn’t lessened her resentment of Anna. His hopes of peace and goodwill toward all had long since waned.
Instinct had him hustling to the front door to see that he was too late to prevent the two women coming face-to-face. Didn’t it figure, Sonja had parked so that Anna wouldn’t be able to get her car out of the garage. Not that his ex had any reason to know which bay held Anna’s junker.
Sonja was eyeing Anna and her kids over the top of her car, her perfectly shaped eyebrows arched as she said in a snide tone, “I see you’re right at home here.”
Anna had emerged through the front door instead of from her apartment, and it was midmorning. He knew what Sonja had read into it.
Her mouth had an unpleasant little curl when she looked at him, instead. “Is Molly ready?”
“I’ll go get her.” Molly had not been eagerly awaiting her mother’s arrival. In fact, he suspected she was holed up in her bedroom. “If you wouldn’t mind moving your car, Anna could get hers out of the garage.”
“I’m not in any hurry,” Anna said hurriedly.
“Of course.” Sonja got back into her car.
Anna gave him a why-did-you-do-that? look, but guided her children toward the garage while pushing the remote in her hand. The door lifted.
Nate hesitated, then went into the house for his daughter.
He’d had the talk with Sonja while she was still at the treatment center so that she’d have access to a counselor, but not to alcohol, while she burned off her anger. Since going home, she’d called often, and come for a short visit here. Today was the first planned visit where she’d be taking Molly away.
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