Not while these are still in the polar bear.
This figure replaces the previously favoured value of about 20 billion years. Recently lots of scientists collectively decided it should be 15 billion instead. (For a while some stars seemed to be older than the universe, but the age of those stars has been downsized.) In other circumstances they might well have settled for 20 billion. If this worries you, substitute the term 'a very long time'.
Indeed, impeccable Discworld thinking is that no matter how big the universe grows, it’s always the same size.
SEVEN
BEYOND THE FIFTH ELEMENT
IN THE QUIET OF THE NIGHT, HEX COMPUTED. Along its myriad glass tubes, the ants scurried. Crude magic sparkled along cobwebs of fine bronze wire, changing colour as it changed logic states.* In the special room next door the beehives, long-term storage, buzzed. The thing that went 'parp' did so occasionally. Huge wheels turned, stopped, turned back. And still it wasn't enough.
The light of the Project fell across HEX's keyboard. Things were happening in there, and HEX did not understand them. And that was taxing, because there was something there to understand.
HEX was largely self-designed, which was why it worked better than most things in the University. It generally tried to develop a responsive way of coming to grips with any new task; the bees had been a particularly good idea, because although the memory retrieval was slow, the total memory increased with time and good apiary practice.
Now it reasoned thus:
One day it would find a way of increasing its conceptual capacity to understand what was happening in the Project;
If this could ever happen, then — according to Stryme's Directionless Law — there was already a shape in happening-space, where time did not exist, caused by the fact of that happening; all that was required was a virtual collapse of the wave form;
... and, although this was in a very strict sense garbage, it was not complete garbage. Any answer that would exist somewhere in the future must, inevitably, be available in potentia now.
The ants went faster. Magic flashed. HEX could be said to be concentrating.
Then silvery, shimmering lines appeared in the air around it, outlining towers of unimaginable cogitation.
Ah. That was acceptable.
Once-and-future computing was now in operation. Of course, it always had been.
HEX wondered how much he should tell the wizards. He felt it would not be a good idea to burden them with too much input.
HEX always thought of his reports as Lies-to-People.
It was the second day ...
The Project was nudged gently under a glass dome to prevent any more interference. A variety of spells had been installed around it.
'So that's a universe, is it?' said the Archchancellor.
'Yes, sir. HEX says that ...' Ponder hesitated. You had to think hard before trying to explain things to Mustrum Ridcully.'... HEX seems to suggest that complete and utter nothing is automatically a universe waiting to happen.'
'You mean nothing becomes everything?'
'Why, yes, sir. Er ... in a way, it has to, sir.'
'And the Dean here swirled it all around and that started it off?'
'It could have been anything at all, sir. Even a stray thought. Absolute nothing is very unstable. It's so desperate to be something. '
'I thought you had to have creators and gods,' mumbled the Senior Wrangler.
'I should jolly well think so,' said Ridcully, who was examining the Project with a thaumic omniscope. 'It's been here since last night and there's nothing to be seen except elements, if you could call them that. Bloody stupid elements, too. Half of them fall to bits as soon as you look at them.'
'Well, what do you expect?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'They're made out of nothing, right? Even a really bad creator would at least have started with Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Surprise.'
'Proper worlds are out of the question here, too,' said Ridcully, peering into the omniscope again. 'There's no sign of chelonium and elephantigen. What kind of worlds can you build without them?'
Ridcully turned to Ponder.
'Not much of a universe, then,' he said. 'It must have gone wrong, Mister Stibbons. It's a dud. By now the first human should be looking for his trousers.'
'Perhaps we could give him a hand,' said the Senior Wrangler.
'What are you suggesting?'
'Well, it's our universe, isn't it?'
Ponder was shocked. 'We can't own a universe, Senior Wrangler!'
'It's a very small one.'
'Only on the outside, sir. HEX says it's a lot bigger on the inside.'
'And the Dean stirred it up,' the Senior Wrangler went on.
'That's right!' said the Dean. 'That means I'm a sort of god.'
'Waggling your fingers around and saying "oo, it prickles" is not godliness,' said Ridcully severely.
'Well, I'm the next best thing,' said the Dean, reluctant to let go of anything that placed him socially higher than the Archchancellor.
'My grandmother always said that cleanliness was next to godliness,' mused the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
'Ah, that's more like it,' said Ridcully cheerfully. 'You're more like a janitor, Dean.'
'I was really just suggesting that we give the thing a few shoves in the right direction,' said the Senior Wrangler. 'We are, after all, learned men. And we know what a proper universe ought to be like, don't we?'
'I imagine we have a better idea than the average god with a dog's head and nineteen arms, certainly,' said Ridcully. 'But this is pretty second-rate material. It just wants to spin all the time. What do you expect us to do, bang on the side and shout "Come on, you lot, stop messing about with stupid gases, they'll never amount to anything"?'
They compromised, and selected a small area for experimentation. They were, after all, wizards. That meant that if they saw something, they prodded it. If it wobbled, they prodded it some more. If you built a guillotine, and then put a sign on it saying 'Do Not Put Your Neck On This Block', many wizards would never have to buy a hat again.
Moving the matter was simple. As Ponder said, it almost moved under the pressure of thought.
And spinning it into a disc was easy. The new matter liked to spin. But it was also far too sociable.
'You see?' said Ridcully, around mid-morning. 'It seems to get the idea, and then you just end up with a ball of rubbish.'
'Which gets hot in the middle, have you noticed?' said Ponder.
'Embarrassment, probably,' said the Archchancellor. 'We've lost half the elements since elevenses. There's no more cohenium, explodium went ten minutes ago, and I'm beginning to suspect that the detonium is falling to bits. Temporarium didn't last for any time at all.'
'Any Runium?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
HEX wrote: +++ Runium May Or May Not Still Exist. It Was Down To One Atom Ten Minutes Ago, Which I Do Not Seem to Be Able To Find Any More +++
'How's Wranglium doing?' said the Senior Wrangler hopefully.
'Exploded after breakfast, according to HEX. Sorry,' said Ridcully. 'You can't build a world out of smoke and mirrors. Damn ... there goes Bursarium, too. I mean, I know iron rusts, but these elements collapse for a pastime.'
'My hypothesis, for what it's worth,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, 'is that since it was all started off by the Dean, a certain Dean-like tendency may have imparted itself to the ensuing ... er ... developments.'
'What? You mean we've got a huge windy universe with a tendency to sulk?'
'Thank you, Archchancellor,' said the Dean.
'I was referring to the predilection of matter to ... er ... accrete into ... er ... spherical shapes.'
'Like the Dean, you mean,' said Archchancellor.
'I can see I'm among friends here,' said the Dean.
There was a soft chime from the apparatus that had been accumulated around the Project.
'That'll be etherium vanishing,' said Ridcully gloomily. 'I kne
w that'd be the next to go.'
'Actually ... no,' said Ponder Stibbons, peering into the Project. 'Er ... something has caught fire.'
Points of light were appearing.
'I knew something like that would happen,' said the Archchancellor. 'All those discs are heating up, just like damn compost heaps.'
'Or suns,' said Ponder.
'Don't be silly, Stibbons, they're far too large for that. I'd hate to see one of those floating over the clouds,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
'I said there was far too much gas,' the Archchancellor went on. 'That wraps it up, then.'
'I wonder,' said the Senior Wrangler.
'What?' said the Dean.
'Well, at least we've got some heat in there ... and there nothing like a good furnace for improving matters.'
'Good point,' said Ridcully. 'Look at bronze — you can make that out of just about anything. And we could burn off some of the rubbish. All right, you fellows, help me dump more of the stuff in it...'
Around about teatime, the first of the furnaces exploded, just as happened every day down at the Alchemists' Guild.
'Ye gods,' said Ridcully, watching the shapes in the omniscope.
'Yo?' said the Dean.
'We've made new elements!'
'Keep it down, keep it down!' hissed the Senior Wrangler.
'There's iron ... silicon ... we've got rocks, even ...'
'We're going to be in serious trouble if the alchemists' guild finds out,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'You know we're not supposed to do that stuff.'
'This is a different universe,' said Ridcully. He sighed. 'You have to blow things up to get anything useful.'
'I see politicium is still there in large quantities, then,' said the Senior Wrangler.
'I meant that this is a godless reality, gentlemen.'
'Excuse me, the Dean began.
'I shouldn't look so smug if I was you, Dean,' said Ridcully. 'Look at the place. Everything wants to spin, and sooner or later you have balls.'
'And we're getting the same sort of stuff that we get here, isn't that strange?' said the Senior Wrangler, as Mrs Whitlow the housekeeper came in with the tea trolley.
'I don't see why,' said the Dean. 'Iron's iron.'
'Well, it's a whole new universe, so you'd expect new things, wouldn't you? Metals like Noggo, perhaps, or Plinc.'
'What's your point, Senior Wrangler?'
'I mean, take a look at the thing now ... all those burning exploding balls do look a bit like the stars, don't they? I mean they're vaguely familiar. Why isn't it a universe full of tapioca, say, or very large chairs? I mean, if nothing wants to be something, why can't it be anything?’
The wizards stirred their tea and thought about this.
'Because,' said the Archchancellor, after a while.
'That's a good answer, sir,' said Ponder, as diplomatically as he could, 'But it does rather close the door on further questions.'
'Best kind of answer there is, then.'
The Senior Wrangler watched Mrs Whitlow produce a duster and polish the top of the Project.
'"As Above, So Below",' said Ridcully, slowly.
'Pardon?' said the Senior Wrangler.
'We're forgetting our kindergarten magic, aren't we? It's not even magic, it's a ... a basic rule of everything. The project can't help being affected by this world. Piles of sand try to look like mountains. Men try to act like gods. Little things so often appear to look like big things made smaller. Our new universe, gentlemen, will do its crippled best to look like ours. We should not be surprised to see things that look hauntingly familiar. But not as good, obviously.'
The inner eye of HEX gazed at a vast cloud of mind. HEX couldn't think of a better word. It didn't technically exist yet, but HEX could sense the shape. It had hints of many things, of tradition, of libraries, of rumour ...
There had to be a better word. HEX tried again.
On Discworld, words had real power. They had to be dealt with carefully.
What lay ahead had the shape of intelligence, but only in the same way that a sun had the shape of something living out its brief life in a puddle of ditchwater.
Ah ... extelligence would do for now.
HEX decided to devote part of its time to investigating this interesting thing. It wanted to find out how it had developed, what kept it going ... and why, particularly, a small but annoying part of it seemed to believe that if everyone sent five dollars to the six names at the top of the list, everyone would become immensely rich.
Of which there were quite a number, given HEX’s unusual construction. In addition to AND, OR and their combinations and variants, HEX could call up MAYBE, PERHAPS, SUPPOSE and WHY. HEX could think the unthinkable quite easily.
EIGHT
WE ARE STARDUST
(or at least we went to Woodstock)
'IRON'S IRON.' BUT IS IT? Or is iron made from other things?
According to Empedocles, an ancient Greek, everything in the universe was a combination of four ingredients: earth, air, fire, and water. Set light to a stick and it burns (showing that it contains fire), gives off smoke (showing that it contains air), exudes bubbly liquids (showing that it contains water), and leaves a dirty heap of ash behind (showing that it contains earth). As a theory, it was a bit too simple-minded to survive for long — a couple of thousand years at best. Things moved more slowly in those days, and Europe, at least, was more interested in making sure that the peasants didn't get above their station and copying out bits of the Bible by hand in as laborious and colourful a manner as possible.
The main technological invention to come out of the Middle Ages was a better horse collar.
Empedocles's theory was a distinct advance on its predecessors. Thales, Heraclitus, and Anaximenes all agreed that everything was made from just one basic 'principle', or element — but they disagreed completely about what it was. Thales reckoned it was water, Heraclitus preferred fire, and Anaximenes was willing to bet the farm on air. Empedocles was a wishy-washy synthesist who thought everyone had a valid point of view: if alive today he would definitely wear a bad tie.
The one good idea that emerged from all this was that 'elementary' constituents of matter should be characterized by having simple, reliable properties. Earth was dirty, air was invisible, fire burned, and water was wet.
Aside from the superior horse collar, the medieval period did act as a breeding ground for what eventually turned into chemistry. For centuries the nascent science known as alchemy had flourished; people had discovered that some strange things happen when you mix substances together and heat them, or pour acid over them, or dissolve them in water and wait. You could get funny smells, bangs, bubbles, and liquids that changed colour. Whatever the universe was made of, you could clearly convert some of it into something else if you knew the right trick. Maybe a better word is 'spell', for alchemy was akin to magic — lots of special recipes and rituals, many of which actually worked, but no theory about how it all fitted together. The big goals of alchemy were spells — recipes — for things like the Elixir of Life, which would make you live forever, and How to Turn Lead Into Gold, which would give you lots of money to finance your immortal lifestyle. Towards the end of the Middle Ages, alchemists had been messing about for so long that they got quite good at it, and they started to notice things that didn't fit the Greeks' theory of four elements. So they introduced extra ones, like salt and sulphur, because these substances also had simple, reliable properties, different from being dirty, invisible, burning, or wet. Sulphur, for example, was combustible (though not actually hot, you understand) and salt was incombustible.
By 1661 Robert Boyle had sorted out two important distinctions, putting them into his book The Sceptical Chymist. The first distinction was between a chemical compound and a mixture. A mixture is just different things, well, mixed up. A compound is all the same stuff, but whatever that stuff is, it can be persuaded to come apart into components that are other kinds of stuf
f — provided you heat it, pour acid on it, or find some other effective treatment. What you can't do is sort through it and find a different bit; for a mixture you can, although you might need very good eyesight and tiny fingers. The second distinction was between compounds and elements. An element really is one kind of stuff: you can't separate it into different components.
Sulphur is an element. Salt, we now know, is a compound made by combining (not just mixing) the two elements sodium (a soft, inflammable metal) and chlorine (a toxic gas). Water is a compound, made from hydrogen and oxygen (both gases). Air is a mixture, containing various gases such as oxygen (an element), nitrogen (also an element), and carbon dioxide (a combination of carbon and oxygen). Earth is a very complicated mixture and the mix varies from place to place. Fire isn't a substance at all, but a process involving hot gases.
It took a while to sort all this out, but by 1789 Antoine Lavoisier had come up with a list of 33 elements that were a reasonable selection of the ones we use today. He made a few understandable mistakes, and he included both light and heat as elements, but his approach was systematic and careful. Today we know of 112 distinct elements. A few of these are artificially produced, and several of those have existed on Earth only for the tiniest fraction of a second, but most elements on the list can be dug up, extracted from the sea or separated from the air around us. And apart from a few more artificially produced elements that it might just be possible to make in future, today's list is almost certainly complete.
It took another while for us to get that far. The art of alchemy slowly gave way to the science of chemistry. Gradually the list of accepted elements grew; occasionally it shrunk when people realized that a previously supposed element was actually a compound, such as Lavoisier's lime, now known to be made from the elements calcium and oxygen. The one thing that didn't change was the only thing the Greeks had got right: each element was a unique individual with its own characteristic properties. Density; whether it was solid, liquid, or gas at room temperature and normal atmospheric pressure; melting point if it was solid — for each element, these quantities had definite, unvarying values. It is the same on Discworld, with its to our eyes bizarre elements such as chelonium (for making world-bearing turtles), elephantigen (ditto elephants), and narrativium — a hugely important 'element' not just for Discworld, but for understanding our own world too. The characteristic feature of narrativium is that it makes stories hang together. The human mind loves a good dose of narrativium.
The Science of Discworld Page 7
