by Cathy Johns
Stupid heart, when will you ever learn?
“Send my love to Grandpa,” I say.
“I will when he gets home.” With that said, I disconnect the call and go back to unscrewing my bottle of wine, grabbing the wine glass and heading towards the bathroom, where I fill the bathtub with hot water and adding my favorite bubble bath in the water and soaking my worn-out body before calling it a day.
Marcus
There are things a man does that makes him proud of himself, for the things he has achieved, or want to kick his own ass for the mistakes he has made.
Right now, I want to go with the latter.
It’s been three years and I still can’t get her out of my system. I’ve tried to move on, tried to date other people, but it seems like my heart only wants her. Only Shae, and of course my dick is not willing to be left behind, because I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve stood in the shower jerking myself to her image, only to get hard again the minute I come.
What I did to her is unforgivable. She didn’t deserve that from me, and I know my Mama would roll in her grave, thinking of ways to smack reality into my stupid head. Reminding me she never brought me up that way.
No one does it for me anymore, but one thought of her and my heart speeds up, wanting relief. Relief that only she can grant a junkie like me
“Still thinking about her?” Greg asks, pulling me from my Shae thoughts, something I can’t seem to stop.
Greg has been my best friend since we were in diapers. And since then, he’s been like a brother to me. The brother I never had. The one person I’d trust with my life, someone who calls me on my shit and even now I’m in this dilemma, he’s still willing to give me space to wallow in my idiocy.
“How can I ever stop myself from thinking about her?” That’s a question I should answer myself, instead of waiting for an answer from someone who doesn’t know how fucked up I am in the head.
“What happened between you two, if I may ask?” I look at Greg, not sure I want to go there. I was stupid to walk away from her. Who even makes love to the person their heart can’t stop wanting and then ups and leaves?
Me.
“You don’t want to know,” I say, pulling my car into the car dealership and turning the engine off.
“Try me,” Greg says, straightening himself in the passenger seat and looking at me. There’s no way I’m getting out of this.
“We were together for a year; it was a no strings attached kind of relationship. Casual sex, nothing more, then feelings were involved, made love to her one last time and I left.” I know that’s not the whole truth, but Greg doesn’t need to know what my mind was going through the whole time I was making love to Shae. He doesn’t need to know that my heart belonged to her, but I couldn’t tell her what she made me feel. I couldn’t tell her that I had fallen for her.
“The fuck,” Greg says, rubbing his fingers on his forehead. “You made love to her and then you left?” he asks like he didn’t hear me the first time.
“Yes,” I answer him. He looks at me like I’ve grown two heads.
“So, you guys were together for a year?” he asks, and I nod my head. “Casual sex?”
“Yes.”
“Then you make love to her for the last time?”
“Yes,” I answer again, wondering where he’s going with this.
“You know there’s a difference between casual sex and making love to someone, right?” he asks shaking his head like I already don’t know the difference.
“I know all that,” I growl.
“As my friend, you really are damn clueless when it comes to feelings.”
“What do you mean?” I ask like I already don’t have a clue of what he’s about to say, but he shakes his head murmuring something I can’t make out as he opens the passenger door and gets out.
I look at him through the windshield of my car as he wipes his palm across his face before turning his gaze on me, his hands on his hips. I see the disappointment written all over his face and knowing what he has been through with his wife after she almost left him, it tells me I’m a lost cause.
It’s been three years. I never reached out to her even when I knew where she was. I had her number, but I changed mine. I should have called, I should have gone back to Portland and looked for her, but what did I do? I came to start a new life here in Santa Rosa, pretending she never existed. Pretending that I didn’t fall for her, and pretending that when I think about her it doesn’t hurt. It hurts like a bitch knowing I screwed the only chance I had to be with her because my head was shoved up my ass and I wasn’t honest with her.
I get out of the car banging the door furiously. I know that’s stupid of me, trying to take out my anger on my car, but I’ve only got myself to blame for being such an asshole. For letting go of the one person who made me feel like the sun revolved around her.
I start walking towards the dealership with Greg following right behind me. Opening the door, I let Greg walk past me before he stops and turns to look at me, almost slamming into him.
“Do you miss her?” he asks and I wonder why this whole thing is eating him up as if he was the one who left.
“Missing her is an understatement of the year, Greg.” Honestly, I do miss her and every day that passes by that I’m not with her feels like I’m slowly withering, dying a slow death.
“If you had the chance to make things right, would you go after her?” I’ve been asking myself the same question over and over and over again, but I always end up coming up empty. Would she even be waiting for me when I didn’t even tell her I was leaving? Would she even spare me the time of day?
“It’s been three fucking years, Greg,” I say shaking my head. There’s no way she could be single. Not my beautiful Shae. I already wanted to kill a few men for that one year I was with her for looking at her. No. I had her and I lost her. You never miss a good thing till it’s gone.
“So?” Greg raises a brow waiting for me to answer.
“Can we not talk about this anymore?” I say, pushing past him and heading straight to the dealer’s desk only to come to a stop when I see the topic of discussion standing before me.
My Shae.
I must be losing my mind. Please tell me this is real, because I believe my mind is playing a bad trick on me. Shae Bennett. No, this can’t be real. You can’t think about someone in such a way like I have been doing and then they appear right in front of you.
I trail my eyes all over her then close them. This is one hell of a dream that I need to wake up from.
I open my eyes again and sure like the sun that’s shining brightly outside, Shae is here. She still looks the same, only she looks shocked. My body starts to move towards her on its own volition. Everything around me seems to fade away, even Greg’s voice sounds like a whisper, slowly fading and then it’s quiet. The only sound I can hear is that of my heart beating against my ears and I’m standing before her, my chest almost brushing against hers and my hand reaching up to cup her cheek, my fingers grazing her soft skin. I don’t think, I don’t talk. I just feel. I feel her soft skin underneath my fingers and my body reacting, coming to life.
“Marcus…”
“Shae…”
We both say at the same time and that’s enough to have us snap out of our fog and back to reality. Shae pulls away from my touch, which I understand, but the look in her eyes, the pain and anger that I see in those brown eyes of hers, makes me want to kick myself because I put that pain there.
I’m the one to blame.
I did this to her.
I did this to us.
I clear my throat, tucking my hands into my jeans pocket, not trusting myself not to reach out to her and pull her into my arms.
“I didn’t know you were in town.” Really Marcus? That’s the best thing you could have said. How would you have known she was in town when you were busy convincing yourself she’s already taken? And when was the last tim
e you reached out to her…? How about never.
“This is her?” Just great. Greg pushes past me, stretching his hand towards Shae in greeting. She shakes his hand as her eyes look at mine briefly before snapping them back at Greg. “I’ve heard so much about you,” Greg adds.
“I wish I could say the same,” Shae says smiling briefly. She turns her gaze towards me once more and our eyes hold on to each other. I can’t believe she’s here. I don’t know if this is a good sign or a bad sign.
“I’m Greg.” She breaks our connection and looks at Greg, I take that time to check her left hand to see if she has a ring on it. Good, no ring there but it doesn’t mean she’s single. I trail my eyes down taking her in as I go back up, she has changed in an amazing way. Put on some weight with curves in all the right places. I swallow hard when my eyes reach her ass and the things I want to do to that ass, but I don’t have a right to anymore. I trail my eyes further up and reach her breasts, my mouth waters thinking of how hard her nipples would become every time I grazed my thumb against them, begging me to take them in my mouth.
“Fucking Christ,” I curse out loud before turning around and walking towards the back of the store, where I know they have a category of custom and factory headlights. I set my eyes on the different custom headlights that are on display, thinking of the one that would look good on my 1946 Ford Truck F-5 that I’ve been working on giving it a new look, while trying to hide my predicament. My cock is hard like a rock pressing against my zipper. I stand between the aisle and adjust myself, trying to take in shallow breaths to calm my raging need before I grab her and sling her over my shoulder and forget I haven’t seen her for the past three years.
I have to get her back no matter what. It doesn’t matter if I have to crawl on my knees, beg her to give us another chance. Forgive me for being a coward. Give me another chance because this time… I can’t lose her. I’ll make this right.
I straighten my shoulders, inhaling deeply. I turn and walk towards where she and Greg are standing. At first, my steps are slow, not sure of what I’m about to do but the minute she smiles at Greg, something snaps inside me and I swallow the distance between us in three long strides. I place the headlights on the counter then pull her towards me, framing her gorgeous face between my hands and kiss the hell out of her. She gasps in surprise, but she doesn’t pull away, which I guess is a good sign.
I kiss her deep and hard, the kiss full of three years of pent-up hunger, sucking and nipping on her lower lip, not letting go because I can’t. I can’t break the kiss, not yet. She moans and that gives me the opportunity to deepen my tongue into her mouth, where it meets hers waiting to play. She tugs on my shirt and I believe it’s to find leverage because I don’t think when I break the kiss our legs we’ll be able to hold our weight.
The kiss reminds me of the many times we both couldn’t get enough of each other. We would kiss and kiss till one of us would come up for air, breaking the connection, panting while the other held tight not letting go, shutting the world outside the door but it didn’t matter where we were because kissing Shae was all I could think about whenever I was around her. I couldn’t get enough of her and it was never enough.
It's just me and her at this moment, nothing else matters. I know she feels me, she feels this kiss just like I am. The way she’s chasing after my tongue, sucking it inside her mouth, her body trembling against mine tells me there’s hope, hope for me to win her again and she happened to be in the same town as I am. If that isn’t a damn fucking miracle, I don’t know what is.
“Oh, God… Marcus…”
She moans against my mouth, her body pressing against mine and I know she can feel my dick pressing against her hip. Wanting her. Needing her.
I finally break the kiss, so we can get some air, but I don’t let go of her. I pull her against me, wrapping my arms tightly around her body, like if I was to let go she would slip out of my hands and this will be a bad dream that would kill me. She doesn’t fight me, she doesn’t push me away like I thought she would. Instead, she presses her head on my chest and I feel wetness there and I know she’s crying. I try to fight my own tears, but nope, the damn tears threaten to fall, and so I hide my face in her hair and start walking us back towards a door written ‘Staff Only’. We hold on to each other, both of us crying and it feels like forever before she calms down and pulls away from my hold. I lift her chin, so I can take her in, her eyes are swollen and her lower lip quivers. I want to kick myself because I’m the reason those tears are there. I did this to her. I walked out on the best thing that has ever happened in my life because I was a fool.
I was a fool to let her go.
“Shae,” I say her name wiping the tears from her eyes, tears that don’t seem to stop falling. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” I pull her into my arms again and every tear she sheds breaks me more, not sure how I’ll ever forgive myself for doing this to her.
“I’ll make this right. I promise you.” I kiss her hair, holding her in my arms and something deep inside me gives me the comfort that we are going to be fine. It might not be today, but we will be fine. We’ll figure this out together and learn how to move on from this pain I’ve caused us both.
Shae
I should have been mad, crazy, throwing things at him kind of mad, but I wasn’t. Instead, I was cool as a cucumber, taking my time to ogle the man who walked out on me three years ago, a part of me was delighted to have him here, even when he seemed to be like a dream the minute I recognized his voice. I thought I was dreaming but I wasn’t. I saw him before he saw me. His back was to me as he talked to someone. I couldn’t take my eyes off him while I trailed them along his back, taking in his lean frame. The way his shirt hugged his body, his hair still the same color, but when he turned and started to walk towards the desk, I knew I was fucked.
He looked so gorgeous and more mature than I remembered him. I took in his features until he lifted his gaze and our eyes locked. Hazel eyes met brown, then he was walking towards me and my heart pounded against my chest, hard and fast. I leaned into his touch the minute he cupped my cheek, his thumb brushing against my skin. I knew I was supposed to push him away, make a fuss for him walking away three years ago but no, my mind chose that moment to act slow and my treacherous body seemed to be having a mind of its own because instead of pushing him away, I wanted to pull him flush against my body and be reminded how it used to feel being close to him.
Marcus had always been my weakness and having him this close sent all my senses into overdrive. I wanted more of him like I always did, I wanted him to touch me everywhere, remind me again how his hands felt against my skin, make me feel that it wasn’t a dream but real and when he did, I couldn’t let him go. My heart broke into a million pieces, but his kisses seemed to fix most of those pieces together.
“Shae,” Marcus calls my name softly, wiping the tears that can’t seem to stop from falling with his hands. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” He says, pulling me into his arms tightly. I’m a complete mess. I thought I was stronger than this, I thought I was okay and coming here was a way to prove to myself that I could finally forget all about Marcus and learn to move on. But how wrong that thought turned out to be, to have him here with me, his arms engulfing me just like old times.
“I’ll make this right. I promise you.” I just nod my head because I don’t know what to say. He’s still the man I’ve always wanted and him being here makes it difficult for me to process what just happened. I know we have a lot to talk about. Hell, I so want to slap his face hard just because and he has a lot of explaining to do.
I pull from his embrace and look up to meet his gaze. I see his eyes are red and that’s enough to tell me that I wasn’t the only one doing the crying. The pain in his eyes tears me apart but to be honest, he’s the one who left.
“Marcus…” he presses his index finger to my lips. I don’t press on since I can see all his emotions are raw.
�
�Please, not now.” He presses his lips to my forehead. “Right now, I just want to hold you and then tomorrow, tomorrow you can fight me all you want.” He adds, pulling me flush against him.
I chuckle because I wasn’t expecting that.
“What if I want to fight with you right now?” I ask, pressing my head against his chest where his heart is. The rhythm there calms me down, while at the same time, reminding me of the many times I slept in his arms after a night of making love.
“If you fight me now I won’t be able to defend myself, Shae.” He inhales deeply, rubbing his palm across my back in a soothing manner. “You have no idea how I wish this not to be a dream.” He says. I kiss his heart against his shirt then I do something that leaves me shocked. I lift my mouth and bite gently on his nipple that is pressing against his shirt.
“Ouch,” He yells, making me chuckle.
“Is that real or still part of the dream?” I ask teasingly, lifting my gaze towards him. He frowns before his brows lift and his lips curl in that smile I have missed so much.
“Maybe this will help me snap my mind from the dream it’s currently in.” He says, leaning in and brushing his lips against mine. I open my mouth the minute his slams down on mine. The kiss is not gentle but demanding and full of hunger, there’s nipping and sucking, brushing his stubble against my cheeks, whispering things that have my fingers pressing against his back, taking what he wants, giving me what he knows we both want.
“Marcus…” I moan against his mouth needing more of him, of his kisses, and I cling to him. His hands move to my ass and squeeze gently before swatting me hard, making me yelp. He lifts me up and I automatically wrap my legs around his hips.
He walks us back, my back pressing on something hard but I don’t bother complaining because I’m too lost in the way his mouth is consuming mine. His moans and groans have me humping on him, rubbing my center against his hardness and it’s a time like this I wish we were both naked, but that’s thinking ahead of myself. I’m still mad at him, I want to pick a fight with him, but he said tomorrow, but what if… I can’t have that happen to me again. I can’t start letting him in again then he ups and leaves, I just can’t.
