by Ava Riley
Rowan sat dumbfounded, silent for too long and yet not long enough. He thought he’d heard Madison right, but maybe he’d misunderstood. With her back to him, what sounded like pregnant could have been anything else. The room grew deathly silent, with the exception of Madison’s sobs and the constant beeping of the monitor that seemed to increase with each second that passed. Rowan caught his breath as he slid his fingertips down her arms. When she jerked away from him, his mind cleared just as quickly as it clouded.
“Madison, look at me.”
When she wouldn’t face him, he rose from his seat, walking to the other side of the bed so that he could see her face. Her reddened eyes and flowing tears made his chest ache. Rowan pushed aside the strands of hair that clung to her wet cheek, replacing it with a kiss.
“It’s going to be okay, I promise,” he whispered against her skin.
“I’m sorry, Rowan.”
“Look at me, baby. You don’t need to apologize to me for this. I’m pretty sure I had something to do with it also.”
Sobbing harder than before, barely able to get the words out, Madison continued, “But it’s my fault. I skipped a couple times taking the pill. I thought if I just doubled the following time I’d be okay. I’m sorry for being irresponsible and for getting us into this.”
“Getting us into what? The most beautiful, amazing woman I know, who I’m completely in love with, is going to give me a child. There’s no one I’d rather start a family with than you.”
“But not like this, Rowan. Not like this.”
Rowan sat on the bed next to Madison, never breaking contact with her. She’d closed her eyes again and he was thankful for the moment she gave him even if she’d not planned to. He couldn’t keep the smile from his face at the thought of them bringing a child into the world. Sure, it wasn’t the ideal way. They’d both always talked about having kids after they got married, but sometimes life threw you a curve ball and you just had to adjust to it. Rowan was more than willing to adjust, but Madison would need time.
“When did they say you could leave?” he asked, trying to make her focus on something else.
“They want to make sure I’m hydrated enough. So after this is done,” she said, pointing to the IV bag hanging next to her bed. Madison watched as Rowan stood to check it.
“Not so fast, Dr. Worth, that’s my job,” Dr. Granger’s voice boomed.
Rowan shook his head knowing full well Tessa would be making all the medical staff pay for her lack of information. “Just looking. How much longer before I can take her home?” he asked, keeping his eyes on Madison, his fingers stroking the ends of her hair.
Dr. Granger looked over the bag, then to Madison. “I’d say another twenty minutes. I’ll send the nurse in to get the paperwork done so you can get out of here. By the way, you might want to let your sister know what’s going on. She’s causing quite the scene in the waiting room.”
Rowan shook his head at the sight of Tessa, “Will do. Thanks for your help.”
With a quick kiss on Madison’s cheek, “I’ll be just a moment. Tessa will start a riot of I don’t go get her out of there. Plus, I also need to let Josiah and Susan know everything is okay.”
“Tell him thank you for me, will you?”
“Of course, baby. I’ll be right back.” Lowering his head, he pressed his lips to her forehead. “I love you.”
Chapter 10
Josiah stood in front of the vending machine, shaking a handful of change in the palm of his hand, contemplating his choices or rather lack of choices beyond the scratched glass that had signs of undeserved abuse. Pressing a palm against the black metal box as if the thing would bestow some wisdom to aid him in his selections, he caught Tessa and Susan’s reflections as they sauntered into the waiting room. He couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Susan was, even with her brows drawn in worry, and her bottom lip pinched between her teeth. Josiah kept his eyes on the glass that had allowed him to watch her as she slid into one of the beaten up brown plastic chairs, unaware that she captivated him. Tessa left her side to hound Cheryl the nurse at the desk for information. Josiah smiled at both the beauty of this woman who captured his attention so quickly and Tessa, who no matter how long he’d been away hadn’t changed one bit.
“Tess,” Rowan’s voice filled the waiting room as all eyes shifted to him and his sister.
Josiah left his post of standing guard over the vending machine and matched steps with Susan as she rose to find out what was going on with Madison along with the others. His fingers slid to the small of her back without thought and he quickly pulled them away.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he leaned in next to her.
Susan lifted her eyes to his, the corner of her mouth lifting. “It’s okay, I don’t mind.”
Well, now then, that wasn’t what he expected to come out of her mouth, but before he could respond to her Rowan began to fill them in on Madison’s condition. He told them that she was just dehydrated, that she would be fine and that as soon as her IV was complete she’d be able to go home. Josiah had been known to withhold information from the family members of his patients in order for those said patients to be the ones to inform them of any news they thought their loved ones would want to hear directly from them. He knew by the shift of Rowan’s weight from foot to foot and the way he never truly held their gaze as he spoke that there’d been more he wasn’t telling, but he also understood the need for time and that when he and Madison were ready to let the others in on what was truly going on, they would.
“I want to see her,” Tessa insisted.
“Not tonight, sis. She’s worn out and in no shape to see anyone right now.” Rowan turned to Josiah. “Would you mind taking Madison’s car back to her place?”
“Not at all. Anything else you need?”
Rowan shook his head, gave Tessa a hug and made his way back to Madison. The three of them stood silently for a moment as they watched Rowan disappear behind the tan double doors.
Tessa swung around. “Okay, I know my brother and he’s not telling the whole story. J, what’s going on?”
Josiah threw his hands up in defense. “I honestly don’t know, but you and I’ve known Rowan long enough to know that he’s not spilling the beans until he’s ready, so don’t push him.”
“Fine, but as God as my witness, if I find out there is something seriously wrong, I’ll wring his neck for not telling us.”
“That I have no doubt of.”
Tessa turned in the direction Rowan headed off in. “J, can you take Susan home? I want to stay and make sure they don’t need anything.”
"Sure, not a problem," Josiah said as he pulled Madison's keys from his pocket and motioned toward the hospital exit to Susan.
****
Without a word, Susan hugged Tessa and led the way outside with Josiah in tow. The tension in the air between the two them hung thick in the air like a blanket of fog had settled in, the coldness from it caused a shiver to run down Susan's spine. Or maybe it was just the closeness of this overpowering man walking next to her. She’d tried to reign in her desires while she sat in the waiting area, but it was all she could do to keep her eyes off Josiah's posterior as he studied the vending machine as if the longer he stared at it, the selection of stale chips and expired chocolates would magically offer something new. Now walking beside him, his hand at the small of her back, she fought the dual emotions racing through her body. Memories of The Launchpad caused anger to well up, still pissed that he had had the nerve to think she would let him go home with her and an overwhelming desire to ask him to stay when they had arrived at her place. She didn't need the distraction of Josiah. Susan's life was one hectic day after another with little sleep in between. She barely had time to breathe between work at the newspaper and time spent on weekends helping her father take care of her ailing mother. Susan hadn't even told Tessa about her mother's declining health. She'd not told anyone because quite honestly if she did, it would make the situatio
n all the more real. She needed this little secret, no matter how much it affected her own health and sanity.
As Susan played over in her mind the events of her life as of late, they reached Madison's car tucked in between a blue Ford pickup and an old beat up Chevy. That was exactly how Susan felt at the moment. Squashed between something wonderful and something completely ugly. Her job held the beauty in her life, no matter how many hours she had to put into it weekly, it gave her peace when so much in her life had robbed her of that. Writing had always been an outlet for her and although the paper offered little in the way of creative freedom, the time she had with pen to paper took her away from having to watch her mother become a stranger. The ugliness in Susan’s life was her mother's Alzheimer. Susan had been forced to sit back and watch as it changed her mother into a person she didn’t know. There were days when Susan would visit and her mother not only wouldn’t remember who she was, but at times got belligerent with her for intruding in her space. She would give anything to trade places with her mother, to take years off her own life and pass them to her if she could.
When she'd first heard about her mother's condition, she'd wanted to talk to Tessa, knowing that she had lost her own mother when she and Rowan were younger, but with the wedding, Tessa had a lot on her plate and now with Madison getting sick there was no way she'd be throwing anything else at her. So, she sucked up all the bad and tucked it into the dark crevices of her heart and did the best she could with what was handed to her.
Susan wasn't sure how long she'd stood staring at Madison's car before Josiah cleared his throat. "Are you okay?" His voice as soothing as a musical jazz note, played against her skin and for the first time in a while, she felt calm even for just a brief moment.
Susan nodded then reached for the door handle. Josiah's hand went before hers and pulled the door open ushering her in. "You sure you're okay?"
"I'm positive. It's just been a long day and I need sleep badly."
Josiah shot her a smile she was sure made the ladies melt, because it sure as hell did that to her. He closed her in then walked quickly to the driver’s side and slid in. With only a glance her way as if making sure she was truly fine, he brought the engine to life. Josiah made no other movements until abruptly he turned in his seat to face her.
"Susan, I need to apologize to you for the other night at The Launchpad. I honestly didn't mean to make you feel...I don't...shit, I don't even know how to say this without sounding like an egotistical ass."
Susan waved her hand in the air to dismiss the apology and tucked her chin to her chest. "There's no need to apologize. I-"
"Yes, there is. I, in no way, meant to make you feel like I thought you were easy." The word sounded vile and felt like a slap in the face to Susan. She’d heard the term used often when it came to describing her, but she was far from it. There were few men she’d invited over and fewer who shared her bed with her. "I only meant that I wanted to spend more time with you. I guess I was being a little selfish. What with Cade and Rowan tied up with their own lives, I guess I was looking for someone to help me pass the time.”
"Josiah, it's really okay. I don't need an apology or an explanation. I was being a little oversensitive."
"Yes, but-"
"If I tell you I forgive you, will you take me home? Honestly I'm exhausted and I really just want to crawl into bed."
Susan was thankful when Josiah didn't utter another sound. She leaned against her seat and let out a sigh as he put the car in reverse and eased out of the parking space. When they reached her apartment building, Josiah started to exit the car, but before he got too far, Susan stopped him and let him know she could make the short trip alone. Susan silently laughed when his eyes widened at her admission of being able to walk herself to the door. No doubt he wasn’t one to just let a woman do such a thing, his mannerisms since she’d met him told her as much, but all she wanted to do was to get inside as quickly as possible without some drawn out conversation.
Chapter 11
Susan should have been honest with Josiah, and herself, for that matter. She actually did want Josiah to come in. She really could use the company tonight instead of another night left to her own meditations of how out of whack her life had become. She would have loved to be able to just enjoy someone else's company without talk of jobs and sickness, the only conversation her and her father had partaken in lately. Over the past six months, their conversations would start off with him asking about her job, her shrugging off the question knowing that he only used it as a prelude to the underlying issues at hand. The issues that neither of them wanted to deal with: her mother’s memory loss, her physical decline, and eventually her death. Susan knew there would come a time when she would have to step up and take some of the burden of planning a funeral and getting all of her mother's things in order from her father. Yet, she did all she could to avoid those conversations in the meantime.
As of recently, when her mother's body looked less and less like the strong woman Susan remembered growing up, she'd wanted to make excuses not to come over on the weekends. Her appearance at The Launchpad last weekend had been an anomaly of late because by the time she finished up at the nursing home, she'd been too exhausted both physically and emotionally. The sad truth of the situation was that Susan knew her mother had no hope of getting any better. No miracle awaited them around the corner, and no daily prayer over her by the nursing home clergy would do anything to restore her mother to her right mind or her youthful beauty. And because of that Susan found herself wishing something no child should ever wish for their parent. She wanted to get that phone call, the one she'd dreaded since the day her mother had been diagnosed, from her father informing her that her mother had passed. The sickness not only affected Susan, but she'd seen her father's own health deteriorate as he fought to care for her mother in their home until she needed the care he couldn't provide and admitted her to the Alzheimer ward at Long Beach's Nursing Facility. That day had been more difficult than hearing of her mother's sickness. Susan watched as her father’s once bright hazel eyes clouded over while they shimmered with the anxiety and hurt of leaving his beloved bride in the care of others. She'd placed her hand within her father's trembling fingers, trying to stay strong for the man she'd not once seen cry during her life. As sadness overtook him, she did the best she could to swallow the lump in her throat and fight against her own tears. When Susan left the nursing home, she always resumed her daily routine, but her father returned to an empty house. He left behind his other half in a place full of strangers, leaving them to care for the woman he’d spent the entirety of his adult life with.
Susan pushed the memory of that day from her mind as she walked into her dark apartment, a simple reminder of how her own life had lost the sunshine, the joy she once took for granted. All the bottled up anger and hurt became the darkness that encompassed her now. She wanted, needed to shake that darkness, but how could she when so much consumed her? She was not the daughter she needed to be, wishing that her mother would find peace on whatever plane she found after she took her last breath so her father could move on with his life and focus on himself and his own health. She tossed her keys on the coffee table, kicked off her shoes and lowered herself to the comforts of her sofa and did the only thing she could do. The tears that had been locked inside, the ones she had refused for so long to let out, flowed, the sting of pain a warm reminder of all that Susan had waiting for her. She didn't try to stop them. She needed to feel them burn her cheeks, needed to watch through blurred vision as each one dropped to the floor between her feet. Susan needed to release all the pent up emotions she held in check, alone in her apartment without any others to see or experience her pain.
As Susan felt the emotions tumble from her body, a faint knock against her door made her suck back her tears, swallowing any that tried to escape. She pushed herself up and grabbed the box of tissues from the coffee table that had always been at the ready for this inevitable moment. She blew her nose, th
en dabbed at her cheeks and eyes, trying her hardest to erase the evidence of her breakdown. A quick glance through the peep hole and fear slammed into her chest. She tried to catch her breath, but it suddenly became difficult. Josiah came back and he waited on the other side of the barrier of the door for acknowledgement. Of course she couldn’t pretend she wasn't home, he'd just dropped her off. Although, she could pretend she didn't hear him and that’s exactly what she did, waiting with her palms pressed to the wood door, counting the seconds as they passed, her eyes squeezed shut as if by doing so she could wish him away. Until that moment when he knocked loud enough to wake the dead. Susan dabbed at her eyes in one last attempt to rid herself of her tears and almost immediately they welled up again.
"Just one moment," she called out as she tossed the used tissues into the wastebasket by the sofa, an attempt to hide the proof of her breakdown.
"It's me, Josiah."
Susan opened the door to quite a sight. Josiah, in all his manliness, stood with Susan's purse slung over his shoulder. She let out a weak laugh as she signaled for him to come in.
"You forgot this in the car," he said holding the purse out to her. "Obviously."
"Thank you for returning it. I appreciate it."
"It's not a problem."
Josiah stood motionless, his eyes locked onto Susan's face. No doubt wondering why her eyes were red and her face discolored. Yet, he didn't question her, or remark about the state he found her in. She wasn't sure if he had panicked and wished he'd not come back, men often panicked at the sight of tears, or if he were waiting for her to divulge any information she was willing to offer.
She had no intention of just offering up an explanation, although she wasn't even positive she would tell him anything should he ask. The two of them stood in silence as the seconds ticked by before Josiah spoke.
