Count Orlok: The Bloody Truth about the Greatest Vampire to Ever Un-Live

Home > Other > Count Orlok: The Bloody Truth about the Greatest Vampire to Ever Un-Live > Page 4
Count Orlok: The Bloody Truth about the Greatest Vampire to Ever Un-Live Page 4

by Justin Blasdel

The STAGEHANDS enter. THEY remove the dinner set and rearrange the table, placing a pillow and blanket on it to make it a bed. A door is added Upstage, and a window is added to the side of the stage. Downstage is a desk with an inkwell, quill, and journal on top of it.

  THOMAS’ room in COUNT ORLOK’s castle, a month later. THOMAS is sitting at the desk in the same clothes as before, but HE looks strung out and very ill. HE writes in the journal.

  THOMAS

  Ellen, my beautiful wife, I’m writing to you in my diary again, hoping I can one day read these letters to you in person. It’s been a month since I was welcomed into Count Orlok’s castle, and I do not know when or if I’ll escape it. Every night, the Count promises me his lawyer will arrive soon, and every night his lawyer does not come...come to take me away from this God forsaken land. I swear that evil flows up from the pits of Hell and soaks itself into this land, just like the never-ending rain. I’ve heard the wolves cry at night, their voices rabid and feral.

  Beat.

  THOMAS

  I said I've heard the wolves cry at night!

  SFX: STAGEHANDS growl and howl like a wild pack of wolves.

  THOMAS

  There they are now! (Breaking character) Unfortunately. (In character) I do not doubt that they’d eat me whole if I dared walk on foot outside the protection of these castle walls.

  SFX: STAGEHANDS stop growling.

  THOMAS

  Then there’s the never-ending storms. The thunder that shakes every chair, table, and stone in my prison, and the lightning that gives shadow to the invisible demons that walk the night.

  SFX: A thunder sheet is bent back and forth to create a pathetic thunder sound.

  A STAGEHAND aims a spotlight at the wall and creates menacing hand shadows on the back wall.

  THOMAS

  There it is now! How cruel nature is when She shields Her monsters so fiercely!

  SFX: The thunder stops.

  The spotlight is turned off.

  THOMAS

  And the shrill little voices of bats, like screams of lost ghosts hungry for my life force, make me fear for my soul.

  SFX: STAGEHANDS squeak as best they can like bats. One STAGEHAND caws like a raven, and the STAGEHANDS immediately shush HIM/HER and ALL go silent.

  THOMAS

  But the worst is Count Orlok. I am repulsed by his presence, so I do all I can to avoid him. Now he visits me in my dreams, chasing me down like a mouse running from the cat, or a fly caught in the spider’s web. When I awake in the morning, I feel drained of my life. I suspect my host is the cause of my sickness, so tonight I will not sleep and catch him in the act.

  The sound of organ music vamps under THOMAS’ voice.

  THOMAS

  Tonight I’ll see if my nightmares will come for me in the flesh. You, Ellen, you will be my cross against evil. With you in my heart, I hope to survive the night.

  LOVE’S DEFEAT OF DEATH

  THOMAS

  LOVING ALWAYS COMES WITH A PRICE

  NO ONE EVER CARES TO THINK TWICE

  WHEN YOU FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

  KNOW YOU’LL DIE AS HUSBAND AND WIFE

  SEPARATED BY LAND AND SEA

  HEARTS WILL ESCAPE AS REFUGEES

  FROM A BRAIN THAT CAN’T UNDERSTAND

  BECAUSE LOVE CAN’T FOLLOW COMMANDS

  ONCE A HEART MEETS ITS PERFECT MATCH

  NOTHING YOU DO CAN MAKE IT DETACH

  FROM IT’S FINAL WARM RESTING PLACE

  PREPARE FOR DEATH’S CHILLING EMBRACE

  The lights onstage change to suggest that THOMAS is entering a dreamlike state.

  ELLEN (OS)

  Thomas!

  THOMAS

  Ellen!

  ELLEN enters. SHE is dressed in an elegant night gown.

  ELLEN

  Thomas!

  THOMAS

  Ellen!

  ELLEN and THOMAS embrace.

  ELLEN

  I miss you so much, Thomas.

  THOMAS

  As you should, and I miss you even more.

  ELLEN

  When will we be together again?

  THOMAS

  Soon, Ellen. Soon.

  ELLEN and THOMAS dance together. The organ continues to play as THEY dance.

  ORLOK can be seen to the side of the stage, watching the actress ELLEN with a sweet longing.

  ELLEN dances towards offstage, but SHE has to stop when ORLOK is in HER way.

  ELLEN

  (Breaking character) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--

  ORLOK

  You dance like a succubus; a temptress of sin and rage, thriving on the despair of her victims.

  ELLEN

  (Enamored) You really think so? That's so sweet.

  JAMIE (OS)

  Count Orlok…the show…if you’re ready. We can't go on without you.

  ORLOK

  Yes, we wouldn't want to rob my audience of my presence any longer.

  ELLEN exits, the actress and ORLOK gazing at EACH OTHER.

  ORLOK

  It is bad enough they must watch these actors when I am not onstage.

  ORLOK motions towards the actor THOMAS. The actor THOMAS is greatly offended by this.

  THOMAS

  Excuse me?!

  ORLOK

  I did not mean you...mostly.

  THOMAS

  Mostly?! I'm most likely the best actor in this poor excuse for a company. Do you have any idea how many leading roles I've played before?

  ORLOK

  Please! You learned to act from a community college. You should be happy you have any work at all. (to ALL) On with the show.

  ORLOK walks behind the door. HE prepares to be scary, and then bangs on the door. THOMAS is awakened and is in fear for HIS life.

  THOMAS

  Who is it?

  ORLOK

  Open the door.

  ORLOK laughs menacingly at length, and takes the actor THOMAS out character.

  THOMAS

  Nope.

  ORLOK

  Yes, you...what? No?!

  THOMAS

  I’m very tired, and I must sleep. I will visit with you—

  ORLOK

  Open the door!

  THOMAS

  I can’t do that. I value my privacy, Count Orlok. It must stay closed.

  ORLOK

  Open the door!

  THOMAS

  I’m—

  ORLOK

  Open the door!!!

  THOMAS

  I’m nude!

  Beat.

  ORLOK

  No you’re not!

  THOMAS

  Yes, I am.

  ORLOK

  No, you’re not.

  THOMAS

  I’m as naked as a newborn baby in a nudist commune.

  ORLOK

  You are wearing now what you were wearing earlier today. I saw you.

  THOMAS

  I could have changed. How do you know I didn't? Can you see through walls?

  ORLOK

  (Breaking character) HOWARD, STOP IMPROVISING! GET OVER YOURSELF!…(in character) and open the door!

  The actor THOMAS reluctantly walks over to the door and opens it. ORLOK walks into the room like a stiff corpse leaning on its unbending joints, but still retaining a predator’s grace. For a moment, ORLOK's evil is allowed to thrive. HIS eyes wide and hungry focus on the audience. THOMAS cowers on the floor.

  THOMAS

  Please, don’t hurt me!

  ORLOK

  I will not bruise you like a peach, but suck your warm juices dry.

  THOMAS

  What do you mean?

  ORLOK

  Do you not realize yet what I am?

  ORLOK turns away from audience to put in fangs, which are the two front teeth instead of the usual canines.

  THOMAS

  You’re…you’re a vampire! Come to drink my blood!

  ORLOK


  Yes, I am vampyre! I am the living dead, the demon suited in rotted flesh, the incubus who has haunted your dreams for a month, and now I come to pluck the apple from the tree and regenerate my eternal life!

  THOMAS screams.

  THOMAS

  No! Don’t take me, don’t take me! Let me live! I don’t want to die! I have so many years left worth living!

  ORLOK

  (to THOMAS) Yes, I shall kill you, but you will die slowly. I will drink your blood drop by drop until you are a dried corpse. And when I am finished with you, I will find your Ellen and make her my bride!

  THOMAS

  No!

  ORLOK

  And on our wedding night, she will be no more.

  ORLOK is caught in another evil laughter fit and moves towards THOMAS for the kill.

  THOMAS

  Ellen, I’ll save you! Even if have to jump out the window and into the river to do it!

  THOMAS scrambles up from the ground and tries to make it to the window while dodging ORLOK's grasp. This game continues all over the room until the actor THOMAS slaps ORLOK as a defensive move.

  ORLOK

  Ahh! You hit me!

  THOMAS rubs HIS hand.

  THOMAS

  Did I? I thought I was swatting at a fly.

  ORLOK

  You hit me! Great-great-great-great-great grandnephew of my third youngest sister or not, I'll make you pay for that!

  THOMAS runs offstage, with ORLOK following HIM.

  JAMIE (OS)

  The window! You have to jump through the window!

  THOMAS re-enters, and quickly jumps through the window and exits.

  ORLOK runs back out.

  ORLOK

  Next scene!

  ORLOK exits.

  END ACT 1, SCENE 4

  1.5 TIDINGS OF ILL FORTUNES

  The STAGEHANDS enter. THEY take off the pillow and blanket from the bed and replace them with more expensive, frilly pillows and a blanket. The door is moved to the side of the stage and the window is moved Upstage.

  ELLEN enters, wearing the nightgown she was wearing in the previous scene. SHE jumps in the bed and lies down, as if asleep.

  The Harding's Guestroom; Weisberg, Germany. ELLEN is troubled by horrible nightmares, tossing and turning in bed until she wakes up screaming in panic.

  ELLEN

  Thomas! Thomas!

  MRS. RUTH HARDING enters. SHE is a well-off family friend of the HUTTERS, and good fortune has allowed HER to be a gentle soul. SHE moves quickly towards ELLEN and holds a moist rag in hand.

  RUTH

  Good gracious, Ellen! Are you alright?

  ELLEN

  Thomas, he's in trouble. I can feel it.

  RUTH

  That was a bad dream you were having. A bad dream. If you take a moment to wake up, you'll realize I'm right.

  ELLEN takes the moist rag and wipes HER forehead with it.

  ELLEN

  Thank you, Ruth. I'm calmer now.

  SFX: The microphone is turned on again.

  ORLOK and JAMIE's dialogue will all be offstage, but ELLEN and RUTH continue their scene in spite of the disturbance.

  ORLOK (OS)

  Jamie! Jamie!

  RUTH

  Poor, poor dear. You've been having these spells since Thomas left for business almost two months ago.

  ORLOK (OS)

  There you are. Did you see what my my great-great-great-great-great grandnephew did to me? He slapped me!

  RUTH

  I like having someone to talk to other than Mr. Harding, but you worry me, Ellen.

  JAMIE (OS)

  What do you want me to do about it?

  RUTH

  Ellen, you worry me.

  ELLEN

  (Breaking character) Huh? Oh! Sorry. (In character)Thomas is in danger. I can feel it.

  ORLOK (OS)

  Who cares? He's fired. Howard is fired. I fire him. Find him a replacement. Now!

  ELLEN

  I can feel the evil floating on the wind, waiting for its moment to strike at us.

  JAMIE (OS)

  I can't replace him. We're in the middle of a show, and he has no understudy.

  ELLEN

  I can't stay here any longer, Ruth. I have to find my husband.

  ORLOK (OS)

  Find one or else!

  RUTH

  Wait. Calm down, allow yourself a full night of rest, and I'll--

  JAMIE (OS)

  Or else what?

  RUTH

  I'll tell you a bit of good news that'll cheer you up.

  ORLOK (OS)

  Or else I'll make sure you never work for S-U-C-K again, you weak-spined, useless, pathetic excuse for an idiot of a director!

  SFX: A face slap.

  Beat.

  ORLOK (OS)

  You slapped me!

  JAMIE (OS)

  I know. It felt good.

  ORLOK (OS)

  I will kill you!

  SFX: The microphone is turned off.

  A slap fight between ORLOK and JAMIE continues offstage.

  ELLEN

  I...I won't be happy until I know Thomas is okay.

  ORLOK (OS)

  Oww! She's wearing a crucifix!

  JAMIE (OS)

  You bet I am!

  ELLEN

  (Breaking character) Oh, no! Not a crucifix!

  RUTH

  I wasn't going to show you this, because it'll keep you up. But if you're going to storm out of my house in the middle of the night, then here.

  RUTH takes a letter from HER pocket and hands it over to ELLEN. The actress ELLEN hardly reads it, focusing more on ORLOK.

  ORLOK and JAMIE enter the stage fighting like fourteen-year-old girls. ELLEN and RUTH have no choice but to continue with the scene.

  ELLEN

  (Breaking character) Get her, Orlok! Get her!

  RUTH

  It's from Thomas. I read it earlier. I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to make sure it wasn't bad news.

  ELLEN

  I...uh...He's in a hospital in Transylvania. He's being treated by the world famous Dr. Bulwar!

  ORLOK

  (to audience) Dr. Bulwar is world famous for being a fat, old, useless, nosey--

  JAMIE sucker punches ORLOK and knocks the breath out of HIM.

  RUTH

  How lucky he is! That man can cure any illness God has created. I heard he once cured a man of old age. I don't believe a word of it, but--

  JAMIE manages to grab ORLOK's ear and slightly twist it, putting ORLOK in severe pain.

  ORLOK

  Ow! Ow! Ow!

  ELLEN

  (breaking character) Don't hurt him!

  JAMIE

  I'm not taking it anymore, you hear me? You're not firing Howard, and you're not telling me what do, because I'm in charge here. Got it?

  ORLOK

  Ow! Ow! Ow!

  JAMIE

  Got it?!

  ORLOK

  Yes! Let go of my ear! Now!

  JAMIE lets go, nods to the audience, and then exits.

  ELLEN

  She had a crucifix. It wasn't a fair fight.

  ORLOK

  I'll kill her later.

  ELLEN

  I know you will.

  JAMIE (OS)

  What was that?

  ORLOK

  Nothing!

  ORLOK storms off and exits.

  ELLEN

  (to RUTH) You think he likes me?

  RUTH

  (In character) What does Thomas' letter say, Ellen?

  ELLEN

  (In character) Thomas was sick for a whole month, but now he's completely cured. Dr. Bulwar and he are coming home as soon as possible. Oh, Ruth, isn't that wonderful?

  RUTH

  It is, but now you're too excited to get a full nights rest.

  ELLEN

  I can't rest knowing Thomas is
on his way back home. What time is it?

  RUTH

  It's near five in the morning.

  ELLEN

  Only a few hours before the stores open. Come, Ruth. We have to make me beautiful before my Thomas arrives.

  RUTH

  You're pretty enough. Any prettier, and I'll have to hide you from my husband.

  ELLEN

  Hurry!

  RUTH

  But what about the shady character Thomas warns you about, this Count Orl--

  ELLEN

  Come on!

  ELLEN pulls RUTH by the hand, and THEY exit.

  END ACT 1, SCENE 5

  1. 6 GOODBYES FOR A QUICK RETURN

  The STAGEHANDS enter. THEY remove the bed, the table, the window, and the door. As THEY do, ORLOK enters the stage.

  ORLOK

  Yes, what of these warnings about me? Hmm? Can--

  One of the STAGEHANDS bump into ORLOK, nearly knocking HIM down to the ground.

  STAGEHAND 2

  Sorry, Mr. Count Orlok.

  ORLOK slaps STAGEHAND 2 on the head, making HIM drop the bed on HIS own foot.

  ORLOK

  Idiot! Must you make me look ridiculous as I am tricking the audience to return after the Intermission?!

  STAGEHAND 2

  Sorry, Mr. Count Orlok. It won't happen again.

  STAGEHAND 2 picks up the bed again.

  ORLOK

  (to audience) Don't worry. I'll kill him later, too.

  JAMIE (OS)

  No you won't!

  STAGEHAND 2

  What?

  STAGEHAND 1

  Pick up the pace!

  ALL the STAGEHANDS exit. Organ music vamps under ORLOK's speech.

  ORLOK

  Can a human being comprehend my evil enough to describe it in ink and paper? Would his brain keep from shriveling into a walnut from sheer terror of my memory? It is best Ellen Hutter, that beautiful, lovely, lovely bosomed woman does not know of her fate. (off script) I have known her only for a few moments, and already she has wrapped herself around my....(Beat, on script) Why warn an animal of its inescapable slaughter? Not even the devil would be so cruel. Let these children dream of happiness, laughter, and love. (off script) Love, a feeling I thought was eternally removed from my chest long ago. (Beat, on script) And still is! Return to here and continue being witness to the pains I have in store for these mortals!

  ORLOK exits.

  STAGEHAND 1 (OS)

  Is he smiling?

  ORLOK (OS)

  I am not smiling! I'm grimacing.

  STAGEHAND 2 (OS)

  If you can call that a smile.

  ORLOK (OS)

  I'm not smiling!

  Organ music ends on evil, haunting notes.

  END ACT 1, SCENE 6

  END ACT 1

  2.1 THE VILLAIN COMES TO SAVE THE DAY

  HUTTER’s house; Weisberg, Germany. The set is already up.

  ELLEN

  I’m so happy! Thomas is coming—

  As the actress ELLEN enters, SHE trips over RUTH's dead body that has been left just offstage.

  ELLEN

  (Breaking character) What’s Ruth doing on the ground?

  JAMIE (OS)

  Again?!

  JAMIE rushes out Onstage and instinctively checks for a pulse.

  ELLEN

  Is she dead? Awesome! A real live dead body! And I touched it!

  JAMIE

  Orlok! What's this dead body doing on my set?!

  ORLOK (OS)

  She won’t be necessary for the second act, and I wanted a snack.

  JAMIE

  (to offstage) Someone clear Ruth off the stage. Now!

  STAGEHAND 1 and STAGEHAND 2 rush out and pick up the body.

  STAGEHAND1

  We’re getting pretty good at this.

  STAGEHAND 2

  Maybe we should start a body-hiding business.

  STAGEHAND 1

  I hear you have to change unions for that. (to audience) Hey, if any of you monsters out there need a little help getting rid of your late-night dates, just call me and my buddy. We're very discreet.

  JAMIE

  Move it!

  STAGEHAND 1

  Yes, ma'am. (to audience) Five-five-five, B-O-D-Y.

  STAGEHANDS exit with the body before JAMIE has a chance to scold THEM again.

  JAMIE

  (to ELLEN) We’ll start the scene over. Are you ready?

  ELLEN

  Sure. You better stake her heart and cut off her head, or she'll come back as a vampire.

  ORLOK (OS)

  No she won't!

  ELLEN

  She won't?

  ORLOK enters, trying not to get angry at ELLEN.

  ORLOK

  She will only turn if she drinks of my blood.

  ELLEN

  Oh, like in my romance comic books. I get it now. Blood fluids exchanging and all that. Anne Rice must know what she was talking about. I wonder if she actually knew a real vampire, like you. Well, not like you, but kind of like you. You're obviously more real than any vampire she could ever meet. You're totally awesome.

  Beat.

  ORLOK

  You're so pretty and...innocent.

  ELLEN

  Thank you.

  ORLOK exits.

  JAMIE

  Are we all good to start again? Thank you.

  JAMIE extis.

  JAMIE (OS)

  We’re starting it over! On three. One…two…three!

  END ACT II, SCENE I (TAKE 1)

  2.1 THE VILLAIN COMES TO SAVE THE DAY (TAKE 2)

  HUTTER’s house; Weisberg, Germany. The scene is already set up, minus one dead body. ELLEN enters. SHE looks around to make sure not to trip over any other dead bodies.

  ELLEN

  I’m so…happy. Thomas is coming home today. I can hardly contain myself.

  SFX: knocking at the door.

  ELLEN

  That must be Thomas!

  ELLEN hastily yet carefully steps over to the door and opens it. THOMAS enters, looking much healthier than last time.

  ELLEN

  Oh, Thomas! You're home at last!

  ELLEN jumps into THOMAS' arms.

  THOMAS

  Careful, Ellen. I've not yet fully recovered from my sickness.

  ELLEN

  But you're getting better, and that's all that matters to me.

  THOMAS

  If you'd like to meet the man who revived me, then let us both through the door.

  ELLEN

  Certainly. I'm sorry, Thomas. I'm very happy right now.

  THOMAS

  I can see that, and I understand it, but please remember to act like the high bred woman you are before I introduce you to the doctor who saved my life.

  ELLEN

  Right. I'm sorry.

  THOMAS

  Please let me introduce into my house Professor Bulwar.

  BULWAR enters. BULWAR is a statue of confidence, a paragon of science, and an educated fool. For that which cannot exist, HE can prove it does and why...or so HE thinks. HE also is the only one with a German accent.

  The actor for BULWAR is a well-trained Southern man who will only take so much from others before HE explodes.

  BULWAR

  You have a lovely house here, Mrs. Hutter.

  ELLEN

  Thank you. I do what I can.

  BULWAR

  I deduce from your choice of upholstery on those chairs that your mother is from the Hesse-Darmstadt State, just north of the Main River?

  ELLEN

  Well, no--

  BULWAR

  And by your selection of that handcrafted table that your father is Bavarian, a country famous for its white sausages?

  ELLEN

  Actually, both my parents are from Berlin. The furniture was purchased from a Swedish family who lives down the street.

  BULWAR


  Ah...Swedish. That was my next choice.

  ELLEN

  Professor Bulwar, thank you for bringing my husband back to me. I don't know what would have happened to him if you hadn't save him.

  THOMAS

  I would have perished. I owe Professor Bulwar my life.

  BULWAR

  No, you certainly do not. You owe me your life no more than the evil sickness that tried to take it from you. I am a doctor, a man of science, and knowledge of the unknown is my reward, which is why I followed you home, Mr. Hutter. I have a theory that the very same creature you met in Transylvania has followed you to your home.

  THOMAS

  No!

  BULWAR

  Ja!

  ELLEN

  Oh no!

  BULWAR

  The client your husband went to do business with is an evil monster, one I have spent most of my life hunting. Everywhere I have looked, this Count Orlok has eluded me. He is as tangible as a ghost and harder to see with the naked eye. Mr. Hutter, I almost envy you, for you have seen what would cost most their lives.

  THOMAS

  If I hadn't jumped out a window and landed in a river, I would have.

  ELLEN

  Oh, Thomas.

  THOMAS

  I'm fine now, Ellen. No need to worry.

  BULWAR

  Yes, for now, but for how long? The beast has caught your scent and will follow you to hell unless stopped. Beware, Mr. Hutter, the very next person you see could be your...unmaker.

  ORLOK enters. HE's wearing a maid's gown and is carrying a tray of tea cups.

  ORLOK

  Would anyone care for some tea?

  BULWAR

  Oh, yes please!

  BULWAR, THOMAS, and ELLEN take a cup of tea.

  ELLEN

  Thomas, this is Helga, our new maid. I hired her to help me clean house before you came, and she's been so kind to me. (Breaking character, to ORLOK) He really has.

  ORLOK

  (Breaking character) You think I'm kind? No one has ever thought that of me before.

  THOMAS

  (breaking character, to ORLOK, sarcastically) Really? (in character) Helga, for that, I cannot thank you enough.

  ORLOK

  (In character) It was nothing. Sugar? Professor, would you like sugar?

  BULWAR

  Yes, thank you very much.

  ORLOK bows and exits.

  BULWAR

  Mmm. This is excellent tea.

  ELLEN

  Professor?

  BULWAR

  Hmm?

  ELLEN

  What kind of monster is Count Orlok? Is he a polite one?

  ORLOK enters with a sugar pot.

  BULWAR

  Mein Gott, nein! He is a cruel, vicious, mad beast that would sooner eat his own head than show an ounce of humanity.

  ORLOK

  One lump or two?

  BULWAR

  Two please. (to ELLEN) Count Orlok...is...a vampyre. [vam-PEER-uh]

  ELLEN and THOMAS

  A vampire?!

  The actor BULWAR stays in character, but HE ad libs to get the actors THOMAS and ELLEN to pronounce the word correctly.

  BULWAR

  No, a vampyre.

  THOMAS

  Vampire?

  ORLOK

  Vampyre.

  BULWAR

  No, you're saying it wrong. Vam...

  ELLEN and THOMAS

  Vam...

  ORLOK

  Vampyre.

  BULWAR

  ...Pyr-e.

  ELLEN and THOMAS

  ...Pyr-e.

  THOMAS

  Vampire.

  ORLOK

  It's Vampyre, Thomas! Vampyre! Get it right for once!

  Beat.

  BULWAR

  Very good pronunciation, Helga.

  ORLOK

  Thank you. Professor Bulwar.

  ELLEN

  We have to stop this vampyre. We have to stop him before he gets my Thomas. Professor Bulwar, you have to stop it!

  BULWAR

  That is exactly what I intend to do. Mr. Hutter and I have--

  ORLOK

  (to audience) Bah! Professor Bulwar could never destroy an immortal like me. Look at how foolish he acts. He thinks he has a big brain, but he only has a big, empty head! He talks much of demons, but he wouldn't know a creature of the night if it were staring him in the face.

  ORLOK stands directly in front of BULWAR.

  ORLOK

  In the face!

  BULWAR

  (Breaking character, Southern Accent) Ahh! You spit in my eye! You crazy or something?!

  ORLOK

  Yes, I spit in your eye! With my power, I blind you from seeing my true form. Like a lazy lion, I play with my food before I eat it. Thomas escaped my claws, yes, but not for long. Until then, I will play with other food. I will play...(to ELLEN) with Ellen, beautiful Ellen. Sweet Ellen. Innocent Ellen. Perfect Ellen. No other actress but you could ever play her part.

  ELLEN

  Thank you, Count Orlok. I didn't know you felt that way about--

  BULWAR

  Director! Hey, Director! They're not stickin' to their lines. Isn't it your job to keep this whole thing from becoming a train wreck?

  ORLOK

  You dishonorable worm! You dare speak against me?! I will twist your neck till--

  JAMIE (OS)

  Orlok! Get back to the script! Don't make me come out there!

  STAGEHANDS

  Ooooooooooh!

  ALL go back to their original blocking, even ORLOK.

  BULWAR

  (In character) That is exactly what I intend to do. Mr. Hutter and I have already searched the house the Count purchased, and we salted the Earth and said prayer. He will no longer be able to rest there.

  ORLOK

  (to HIMSELF) I really must consider converting to Judaism. (to ALL) Any more sugar? Professor Bulwar?

  BULWAR

  No thank you, Helga.

  ELLEN

  Isn't she so helpful? (to ORLOK) I'm glad I have you here to help me through this hard time. (Breaking character) I really am.

  ELLEN holds ORLOK's hands, and ORLOK gets giddy like a school girl with a crush.

  ORLOK

  It's nothing at all. (stops giddiness and returns to act) It's nothing at all. I don't mind taking care of you, Mrs. Hutter. You're so kind and generous and beautiful...I mean rich. The pleasure is all mine.

  ORLOK kisses ELLEN's hand and then exits.

  THOMAS

  What will we do next, Professor? Where else can we look for Count Orlok?

  BULWAR

  I shall go to the morgue. There are rumors of a plague spreading in Weisberg, but I suspect that some, if not all, of the victims of this "plague" are actually victims of a vampyre attack.

  THOMAS

  Vampire attacks?

  ORLOK (OS)

  Vampyre!

  THOMAS

  Thank you, Helga. Professor, shall I come with you?

  BULWAR

  You have no medical expertise, and I suspect your lovely wife would love to spend some time with you, so no.

  ELLEN

  Thank you, Professor.

  BULWAR

  Not at all. Now I am off to ascertain the exact whereabouts of this forsaken creature of ours who calls himself Count Orlok. God help me if I ever see the Count in person.

  ORLOK enters with an umbrella in hand.

  ORLOK

  Mrs. Hutter, we're out of sugar. I have to go to the store for more.

  THOMAS

  Why the umbrella? It's not raining.

  ORLOK

  (to audience) I sunburn easily.

  ELLEN

  Take care, Helga, and remember to ask me to repay you whatever the sugar costs.

  ORLOK

  You're such a beautiful...employer. I shall return.


  THOMAS

  Goodbye, Helga.

  BULWAR

  Ladies first, Helga.

  Beat.

  ORLOK

  Thank you, Professor Bulwar.

  BULWAR holds the door open for ORLOK's exit.

  BULWAR

  I'm off to do God's work. Farewell.

  THOMAS

  Farwell, Professor.

  ELLEN

  Take care.

  BULWAR exits.

  THOMAS

  Now that our guests are gone, let's go upstairs and enjoy our marital status immediately.

  ELLEN

  Thomas, can I ask you something?

  THOMAS

  I swear I was faithful to you the whole time I was gone.

  ELLEN

  No, not that.

  THOMAS

  Then what?

  ELLEN

  In your letter, you said you were having nightmares about Count Orlok. Nightmares about him chasing you down and feeding on you like a...like a leech.

  THOMAS

  Yes, that's true.

  ELLEN

  Well...I've been having those same dreams. I've seen him stand over my body and feed from me, too. Do you think he's already here? Do you think he's making me sick like he was you?

  THOMAS

  Ellen, my pretty, loyal wife. You're having my nightmares, because you love me so much. You think my pains are yours, and so you should suffer, too.

  ELLEN

  You think so?

  THOMAS

  I know so. Your love for me is so strong, I'd bet you'd sacrifice yourself to save me in a heartbeat.

  ELLEN

  You're right.

  THOMAS

  Luckily for you, house wives rarely have to rescue their husbands on a daily basis.

  THEY laugh.

  THOMAS

  Let's go upstairs, before I have to ask twice.

  ELLEN

  I love you, Thomas.

  THOMAS

  And I, you too.

  THEY exit.

  END ACT 2, SCENE 1 (TAKE 2)

  2.2 THE SCIENTIST PLAYS AT BEING A DOCTOR

  The STAGEHANDS enter, and are now acting for the part of DOCTORS with lab coats and caps. THEY remove all the furniture, replacing it with a makeshift autopsy table. DOCTOR 2 lies down on the table, and DOCTOR 1 covers HIM with a sheet.

  DOCTOR 2

  I'm a doctor. Why do I have to be the corpse? Don't we have enough on hand?

  DOCTOR 1

  You can't cast a corpse as the corpse! You'd break the "aesthetic distance".

  DOCTOR 2

  What's that?

  DOCTOR 1

  How the hell should I know? Lie down and shut up.

  DOCTOR 2 lies down and DOCTOR 1 exits the stage. BULWAR enters dressed in HIS own lab coat and cap, and the DOCTORS follow him in.

  BULWAR

  I understand how you might mistake this dead body as another casualty of the plague, but if we take a close look at the neck…

  BULWAR reveals DOCTOR 2's face, who smiles at first, but quickly returns to playing dead.

  BULWAR

  These two puncture holes here and here suggest something more devious.

  DOCTOR 1

  Like what, Professor Bulwar?

  BULWAR

  A...vampyre!

  ORLOK enters the stage dressed as a DOCTOR.

  ORLOK

  I apologize for being late, Professor Bulwar. My colleague and I...where is my colleague?

  KNOCK (OS)

  No, master! Please don't make me be so close to the Professor, killer of the unnatural!

  ORLOK

  He's not really Bulwar! And how dare you think I could not defend you against a weak foe like him! Come out here, now!

  The timid KNOCK enters, keeping one eye on BULWAR the entire time.

  ORLOK

  We were out eating a little snack.

  KNOCK

  I had the earthworms.

  ORLOK

  Professor, what makes you think vampyres are real? Are they not stories to scare children with at night?

  BULWAR

  Nein. They are as real as I am to you. Vampyres are real.

  ORLOK starts the laughter, and the DOCTORS join in immediately.

  BULWAR

  They are real!

  DOCTORS laugh more.

  ORLOK

  Who are you to tell us what is real or not?

  Organ music vamps under BULWAR.

  BULWAR

  Who am I? Who am I?! I'll tell you who I am. I am the famous, the magnificent, the uncontested savant of the unexplainable! I am Professor Bulwar!

  CONQUESTS OF A HERO SO BRAVE

  BULWAR

  DEMONS, DEVILS, MONSTERS, HELLIONS,

  I’VE MET THEM ALL

  CROSSES, GARLIC, HOLY WATER

  I’VE GOT THEM ALL

  NOTHING THAT NEEDS TO KILL

  ESCAPES ME, OR EVER WILL

  DOCTORS

  TELL US WHAT YOU CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN

  FAIRY TALES OF HORRENDOUS SCENES

  BULWAR

  IN ENGLAND I CAUGHT OLD NESSIE

  WE FOUGHT IN THE COLD, COLD SEA

  THEN SHE RAN AWAY FROM MY SIGHT

  I HAD NO PROOF OF OUR FINE FIGHT

  ORLOK

  (to audience) He thinks he’s wise, and adventurous, a gift from God and chivalrous, but evil knows evil and smells the meek, and he’ll be my dinner within a week.

  DOCTORS

  TELL US WHAT YOU CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN

  FAIRY TALES OF HORRENDOUS SCENES

  BULWAR

  IN PRAGUE, I MET “THE WANDERING JEW”

  HE WANTED TO STEAL MY SWEET YOUTH

  BUT I KNEW TO STAY FAR AWAY

  OR MY FATE WOULD END THAT SAME DAY

  ORLOK

  (to audience) Look at this man, he’s quite pathetic. His lies are white, but very poetic. He’ll soon realize just what I am, a demon of the night and truly damned.

  DOCTORS

  TELL US WHAT YOU CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN

  FAIRY TALES OF HORRENDOUS SCENES

  BULWAR

  IN RUSSIA, I HEARD FRIGHTNING HOWLS

  WHITE WEREWOLVES, TAUNTING ME WITH GROWLS

  LUCKILY, I WEAR SILVER RINGS

  ON ALL MY FOREIGN OUTGOINGS

  ORLOK

  (to audience) And—

  KNOCK

  (to audience) He’s old and fat, and smells like a rat—

  ORLOK

  Knock!!

  KNOCK

  (to audience) And to my great master, he’s nothing more than that.

  ORLOK

  True.

  KNOCK

  (to audience) This man Bulwar’s a fool and quite smelly.

  ORLOK

  I agree.

  KNOCK

  (to audience) His ego is as big as his pig-belly.

  BULWAR

  (Breaking character, Southern accent) Hey! I'm not fat, I'm big boned, man!

  ORLOK and KNOCK laugh.

  DOCTORS

  TELL US WHAT YOU CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN

  FAIRY TALES OF HORRENDOUS SCENES

  BULWAR

  NOTHING THAT NEEDS TO KILL

  ESCAPES ME, OR EVER WILL.

  Organ music ends.

  ORLOK

  And what of vampyres? How many have you seen of them?

  BULWAR

  Vampyres? None…so far.

  DOCTORS laugh and start to exit.

  BULWAR

  But I know that they exist and how to kill one! I charge you all, men of science, to follow my lead and stand against this onslaught from hell—

  As BULWAR is running back and forth from DOCTOR to DOCTOR, KNOCK trips BULWAR. The DOCTORS laugh.

  ORLOK

  Let us leave this madman, before we catch his lunacy.

  KNOCK

  Yes, let’s leave him here! He’s a moron and an idiot to think he can defeat my master, Count
Drac...Corlok!

  ORLOK

  (Breaking character) What'd you say?!

  ORLOK slaps KNOCK over the head.

  ORLOK

  (In character, to BULWAR) We leave you to your craziness.

  ORLOK and KNOCK exit.

  KNOCK (OS)

  I’m sorry master! Please, don’t punish me again!

  ORLOK (OS)

  Get back here! I’m not running after you!

  BULWAR

  If no one will believe me, I’ll have to save all of Weisberg on my own.

  BULWAR exits.

  BULWAR (OS)

  (Breaking character, Southern accent) Where the hell are you Knock? I'm gonna ka-knock [kuh-NAHK] you into the next world when I get my hands on you!

  END ACT 2, SCENE 2

  2.3 THE PRINCESS SACRIFICES HER TEMPLE

  The STAGEHANDS remove the autopsy table and replace it with the exact same scenery as the Harding’s Guest Room, except for a few more pillows and a bigger cover.

  DOCTOR 2

  Can I get up now?

  DOCTOR 1

  Move it, you lazy bag of bones.

  DOCTOR 1 pushes the autopsy table DOCTOR 2 is lying on offstage.

  DOCTOR 2

  Wheeeee—

  SFX: Crashing of an autopsy table into a table full of props.

  JAMIE (OS)

  What was that?

  Beat.

  DOCTOR 1 (OS) and DOCTOR 2 (OS)

  Nothing!

  JAMIE (OS)

  It better be!

  The HUTTER’s bedroom. ELLEN is in HER nightgown again, asleep and laying under the covers in the bed. SHE looks pale, perhaps a little drained.

  ELLEN coughs HERSELF awake. THOMAS and BULWAR enter the room. BULWAR inspects ELLEN.

  THOMAS

  Are you alright? Do you feel any better?

  ELLEN

  I feel wonderful, Thomas. Don’t fuss over me.

  ELLEN coughs.

  BULWAR

  Yes, that’s my job. Ellen, as your doctor, I am hereby confining you to your bed until further notice.

  THOMAS

  Oh, no! Is it that serious, Professor?

  BULWAR

  I’m afraid it is, Mr. Hutter. Your wife is suffering from the same sickness I found you with in Transylvania.

  THOMAS

  Can you cure her as you did me?

  BULWAR

  No. You healed because of my medicine, but you stopped being sick, because the...vampyre... released his psychic hold on you. I never knew why until now.

  THOMAS

  No! Not my Ellen! What would I do without her? Who would take care of me? Love me? Cook for me?

  ELLEN

  I can still do those things for you now, Thomas. Let me get out of bed and—

  BULWAR

  Mrs. Hutter, bed rest! I won’t tell you again.

  THOMAS

  (to BULWAR) What can we do?

  BULWAR

  The only thing we can. We…will hunt…Count…Orlok!

  SFX: Thunder sheet, followed by three ominous organ stabs.

  THOMAS

  Do you know where he is?

 

‹ Prev