by Amber Kizer
I felt Bodie tremble.
Out of options. I shuffled forward a step. “I made it.”
“You made it? You who lazes about like a queen bathing can make a fresh sauce? You can’t warm soup or heat fish sticks. Do you really think me stupid enough to believe that?”
“It’s the truth.” I crossed my arms behind my back, twisting my thumbs against each other.
“Truth? Haven’t you learned yet that I speak the truth, not you? None of you are hungry anymore, are you? Bodie, aren’t you hungry after cleaning the bathrooms today? Oh, wait, you didn’t actually do much cleaning, did you?”
It wasn’t that she knew our tricks to protect the little kids from punishment; she simply assumed we hadn’t done the tasks. We were guilty until proven, well, guilty.
“Are you hungry, Bodie?” This was a trick question. If we were hungry, then she’d make us eat horrid things from the trash cans, but if we weren’t, then we’d go empty for a meal, or three.
“I’m full,” Bodie said.
Nicole told me the law stated that patients had to be fed all meals, even when they no longer tolerated solid food. The kids knew they got whatever they wanted after fifteen minutes of food sitting in front of a guest. Mistress’s theory was it kept us hungry to work and was good for the environment. No waste. Efficient. And it cut down on the food bills. Why it was one of the few laws she followed was beyond me.
Very rarely did Mistress let me feed the kids in addition to whatever food was served guests. Of course, the exception was the day Ms. Asura came to visit. This meal was planned well in advance. Which is why I cooked while Mistress was out and we hid nonperishable food for those days when there wasn’t enough provided for us.
Bodie’s expression hardened with a child’s stubbornness. “Yes, I’m full.”
“Oh, you are, are you? Are the rest of you just as full as our little prince here?”
We nodded. I knew the smaller kids took their cue from me, but I didn’t know what would come next.
“Then, Juliet, bring me the grater, please.”
I hesitated.
“Do you not know where it is?”
I knew exactly where it was kept. “There are several sizes, Mistress.”
“The one with the handle, then, okay?” she sneered.
“The menu doesn’t call for grating this week?” I tried to make it a question, but I didn’t move.
“Are you questioning my request?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Then, where is it?” She held out her hand.
I moved slowly, my stomach clenched. I snagged the grater out of a drawer and placed it in her hand without making eye contact.
“Bodie, would you like to be first?” She leaned down and over him.
He swallowed, but didn’t answer.
“What was I thinking? Juliet, here.” She handed the grater to me and I turned to put it back in the drawer. “You don’t think we’re finished with it, do you? No, of course you know better than that, don’t you?”
As I turned to face her, I glanced at Bodie. His scared eyes were round and too large in his face.
“Shall he get ten, or twenty, spanks?” she asked the world around us.
Bodie’s head shook. “I—I—I—” Panic made him wet himself.
“You turd. Now, who is going to clean up that mess?” She huffed. “Juliet, will you do the honors?”
“I’ll clean it up.”
“You know that’s not what I meant, don’t you? Of course you’ll clean it up. Spank Bodie, then every child you served the ‘just pasta’ to. Ten spanks on bare buttocks should do it, won’t it? Nicole, help them pull down their pants.” Mistress scraped a chair back and settled her hefty frame into it like we were performing a play for her enjoyment. There was a gleam in her eye, a sparkle that only ever shone when one of us was hurt.
I’d been hit plenty. I’d seen older kids have to spank younger ones with belts and branches and wooden spoons. I’d shared the pain of those who hit me and those who got hit next to me. Up until this moment, I’d never been handed the tool and the mandate to hit.
“You’re almost sixteen, Juliet.”
Shocked that she remembered, I twisted and met her gaze.
“You’re almost an adult. It’s time I started treating you like one. Get to it.”
Tears threatened, but I sucked them back, knowing they’d make everything worse.
Nicole peeled Bodie’s wet pants down his legs, then pressed him against her stomach, holding his face and petting his hair. It was the most comforting she could do.
I stared at the grater in my hand. If I do this, it will be over quickly and I can try to keep the hits as light as possible.
“Do you think I have all day? Get cracking.”
Nicole stared at me steadily. I knew that giving me strength and love with her eyes was the only way she could help.
I lifted the grater higher. I can’t. This was my enough, my line. I swiftly lowered the grater before I changed my mind by thinking of the pain I would be forced to endure for holding my ground. “I won’t hit him. Any of them.”
Mistress glared at me. “Do you dare contradict an order?”
I nodded, watching Nicole tense further. “I will not hit a child.”
“Are you saying none of you deserve discipline?”
“No, ma’am. You may hit me all you’d like.” I carefully didn’t meet her eyes and tried to appear smaller than my almost six feet.
“You’ll let me, will you? Give it.” She held out a hand and lumbered to her feet.
I handed the grater to her, deliberately placing my body in front of the other kids.
“Down to your skivvies now and on your knees,” she barked at me. “You’ll all watch. No tears, no sniffles. You’ll watch and you’ll remember the lesson today.”
Nicole started to step forward and open her mouth, but I jerked my head and made a face so she’d cease. She was the type who’d stand next to me, to take her share to protect the others, but I feared that this wasn’t about even distribution of pain, but something deeper and more personal. Nicole might very well make it all worse.
As I undressed as quickly as I could, I knew I should feel shame or embarrassment over my graying boy shorts and threadbare bra; but really, all I saw was the world hazy at the edges as I tried not to pass out. I wondered if I’d get away with taking all the hits for the kids, or if she’d still beat them, too.
It wasn’t the thwacks that bothered me as much as the whistle in the air before the grater made contact. I knelt facing the kitchen window so I could see the creek and the birds. Mini perched on a top branch of a tree near the window, so even from the floor I saw her, but no one else was able to. She caught my gaze and held it. Her body grew still and even her tail didn’t twitch. She just held my vision steady and strong and willed me through it.
Mistress avoided places on my back with any padding. She aimed for my ribs and my vertebrae, my shoulders and shoulder blades. I lost count at thirty.
Finally, the ringing phone grabbed her attention away from me.
“Juliet, I expect this grater to be cleaned and disinfected before you leave the kitchen. The rest of you, you have jobs to do. Go!” Mistress slammed through the kitchen hallway to her office and living quarters.
We heard the rumble of her voice on the phone before any of us moved. Nicole and Bodie helped me get to my feet.
Bodie’s upper lip was caked with snot and his cheeks were streaked with saltwater tracks. “So sorry. So sorry.” His breakdown opened the floodgates of the other ones. I knew physical abuse was part of the past for several of them. Even in my pain-filled stupor, I knew I needed to somehow make this right for them. To show them I was okay, that I would survive, that this wasn’t the end of my world.
Pain made my muscles twitch and seize, but I choked that down until my clothes were all in place and I faced the kids. My back was warm and sticky; the skin stung with the contact of the fabric. It wa
s the bone bruises I knew would echo much longer.
“I’m okay. I’ll heal. You did nothing wrong.”
Sema’s little voice piped up. “You should have beat us.”
“No, I shouldn’t have.” I didn’t bend well, but I made sure I kept eye contact with her. “It’s not okay. It’s not okay to hit anyone. So, no, I shouldn’t have. Mistress shouldn’t have, but I’m strong. I’ll live and we’ll be okay.”
“So sorry.” Bodie attached himself to my leg like a barnacle. The pressure of his little arms squeezing on raw flesh forced the breath from my lungs, but I couldn’t push him away.
“Juliet is right.” Nicole passed out the hard butterscotch candy she always seemed to have in her pockets. “Hitting isn’t okay. And someday Mistress will know that too. Now, let’s do our chores and give Juliet a few minutes. Come on, Bodie, let’s get you new pants.” Nicole picked up the bloody grater and put it in the sink. “I’ll take care of this,” she said.
Gratefully, I let her shepherd the kids away. My knuckles turned white from holding myself up against the counter. I knew Mistress would check on the grater first thing. It would take me a while to get the bits of myself out of it, but when I leaned over the sink and picked it up, the metal was shiny and polished. As if nothing had touched it.
Mini leapt from the tree fluidly and trotted off toward the creek.
The rest of my evening flew by. Nicole put the kids to bed and tucked them in. I needed to bathe, for real this time, and have her disinfect my back so I would heal without infection. Doctors weren’t an option.
“Juliet, I love you.” Bodie found me doing laundry.
“What are you doing still awake?”
“I had to say sorry again.”
Nicole appeared in the doorway behind him, shaking her head in apology.
I put down the towels and stacks of worn-out clothing for the kids and hugged him to me. “Bodie, I will be okay. I don’t want you to feel bad. You did nothing wrong. Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
I dropped my voice to a whisper, “No, nothing. Mistress is mean and horrible and she’d have hit me anyway.”
“But I ate the pasta—”
“We all did. And we will again. I need you to promise me something, though, okay?”
“Any-ting.”
“Tonight when you sleep? I want you to dream about cookies, okay?”
“Cookies?
“Mm-hmm. A world where everything is made of chocolate-chip cookie dough and you can eat anything you want to.”
“Everything?”
“Can you do that for me?” I winked conspiratorially.
“I can.” He nodded his head like I’d given him a monumental, impossibly important task.
I kissed his forehead as Mini wandered in and meowed at me.
“Hi, kitty. Who needs Juliet?” Bodie bent and kissed Mini’s forehead in the same manner I’d kissed him.
“Horsey Room needs you,” Bodie pronounced before leaving.
Nicole watched him trudge away. “You want me to check on Mr. Daniels?”
“No, I’ll go.” I was too wiped to wonder how Bodie knew such a thing, or if he was guessing.
“You sure?”
Mini trotted along beside us up the stairs.
“Yes, I’m sure.” I opened the Horse Room door. Mini jumped up onto his chest in two hurried strides.
Nicole ushered Bodie back off to bed.
I greeted Mr. Daniels, who opened his eyes at my voice. I began by telling him the day and time, and who I was. I assumed guests might have questions or might not recognize me. I tried to carefully answer any unasked questions or explain things easily misunderstood. I didn’t want them more scared than they needed to be. Ever. I checked his breathing, dampened his lips lightly, and washed his face with a warm cloth. All things Kirian had taught me in the year before he’d left.
I settled into a chair with Mini in my lap. I pet her with both hands, one scratching beneath her chin, the other flowing down her back. Perhaps the soothing motion refocused my mind, away from my back, because the stinging burn of the wounds lessened.
I checked Mr. Daniel’s pulse as his feet moved restlessly under the sheets and blankets. Fidgeting was a sign I’d learned to notice.
He grabbed my hand, startling me, and I met his very clear blue eyes. “You are loved. You are special. You are a miracle.”
I had no idea what to say. I’d never heard his voice. The elderly sometimes asked for people or water, but mostly they were either unconscious on arrival or Mistress kept them doped up and silent.
While gripping my hand almost painfully, he threw off his covers with his other hand and sat up. “It’s so beautiful. She tried to protect you. Tried to keep you safe, but she’s sent help. They’re here, all around us. Loving. Helping.” He saw beyond me. He smiled, showing dimples, and I briefly glimpsed the young man he once was.
“Juliet. Juliet!” My name came from a distance.
I opened my eyes to find myself leaning with my head against the mattress. Mr. Daniel’s hand had relaxed and chilled in mine. His covers were askew.
“What happened?” I asked Nicole.
“I think you fainted.” Nicole peered into my eyes. “Are you okay?” Her concern was palpable.
“I don’t know. Mr. Daniels—he sat up and said things.”
“He’s gone. I left you about an hour ago, and he was gone when I came back in, but you wouldn’t wake up.”
I stood, clutching the bedclothes, vertigo rocking me. “Where’s Mini?” My knees felt swollen and stiff like I’d been kneeling for hours on broken glass.
“I don’t know, I didn’t see her. You’re frowning. What hurts besides your back?”
“My knees. I have a headache.” The usual. “Who’s the staff tonight?”
“Chi.” Nicole placed a hand on my forehead. “Take a breath in.”
I inhaled, but didn’t have patience for her efforts to help me cope, so I exhaled almost as quickly. “Ask him to deal. I need sleep.”
“Okay.” Nicole helped me down to my closet. Each step we took seemed to loosen my joints. “How’s your back?”
“Doesn’t hurt.” I realized as the words came out of my mouth that it was the truth.
That night, I dreamed of a woman with long blond hair like mine who smiled at me, hugged me, and kissed away my boo-boos. And a tiny girl with curly hair who beckoned me while holding out her hand.
There are those with us, and those who oppose us. It will always be that way for our kind.
Sunt qui nobis faveant, sunt qui nobis adversentur. Hoc semper erit generi humano usitatum.
Luca Lenci
CHAPTER 15
There wasn’t a good way or a good time to tell Tens, but my gut feeling said I needed to go see Juliet alone. “I think I should go by myself.”
“Where?” he asked.
“To meet Juliet.”
Tens straightened. “Uh, no. Hell, no.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. “Hear me out?”
“Why? It’s moronic. Stupid idea.”
I tried to remind myself that Tens was simply watching out for me. Trying to keep me safe. That he didn’t mean to be bossy and dogmatic. “You don’t need to be rude.”
“Clearly I do if you’re even contemplating this.”
Licks of hot anger flickered at my heart. “I’m not stupid.”
“No, you’re very smart, but this idea, this plan, is really, really dumb.”
I hate confrontation. I hate arguing. I am right. “Tens. We have to talk about this.”
“No, we don’t.” He stoked my distress and frustration with his own.
I held my ground. “Yes, we do, but if you won’t talk about it, then you can listen.”
My expression, or my tone, shut him up.
“I need to go by myself because we’ll intimidate her together—it’s like ganging up on her.” It’s how I had felt with Auntie and Tens knowing more about me than
I knew about myself. “I know what I’m talking about.”
He swallowed but didn’t answer, just continued whittling a chunk of wood to sawdust instead of the usual animal.
I tried again. “We tried waiting out there together and we didn’t see her.”
“No, we met Minerva and Bodie. You don’t think that was important?” He shook his head like I’d told him I believed the sky was orange, not blue.
I pressed. “I’m not saying that. Of course they’re important. I’m saying that I want to try alone.”
Silence stretched.
He wouldn’t give. He wasn’t going to hear me. He’d shut down so completely that I wouldn’t get through to him. I felt it.
“Are you finished?” he asked eventually.
I nodded, crossing my arms.
“I’m your Protector. Right?”
“Yes.”
“I protect you.”
“Right.” I bit off my agreement.
“So, why would going anywhere by yourself be a good idea?”
“Oh, come on. You don’t know what that means. You’re not a ninja and I’m not incapable. You’re my boyfriend, not my boss.”
“Your boss?”
“That’s what you’re acting like. Like you know better and more, instead of working with me and figuring it out together.”
“Maybe I do know more.”
I rolled my eyes. “Care to share?” I wanted to throw a chunk of wood at him.
“You’re being so immature right now.”
“And you’re being sanctimonious and arrogant.”
He shrugged. “You go by yourself and I’ll follow you.”
“That’s not going by myself.”
“That’s the deal.”
