by Tom Sharpe
‘Henry VIII had a whole heap of them,’ said an astro-navigational expert, whose reading tastes seemed to suggest she would have preferred life in some sort of airconditioned and deodorized Middle Ages. ‘He must have been some man.’
‘Definitely,’ said Wilt, grateful for her intervention. At this rate, the discussion might spread and leave him free to find that damned box again. ‘In fact he had five. There was Katherine of …’
‘Excuse me asking, Mr Wilt,’ interrupted an engineer, ‘but do old Queens count as Queens? Like they’re widows. Is a King’s widow still a Queen?’
‘She’s a Queen Mother,’ said Wilt, who by this time had his hand in his pocket and was searching for the box. ‘It’s purely titular of course. She –’
‘Did you say “titular”?’ asked Captain Clodiak, endowing the word with qualities Wilt had never intended and certainly didn’t need now. And her voice suited her face. Captain Clodiak came from the South. ‘Would you care to amplify what titular means?’
‘Amplify?’ said Wilt weakly. But before he could answer, the engineer had interrupted again.
‘Pardon me breaking in, Mr Wilt,’ he said, ‘but you’ve got kind of something hanging out of your leg.’
‘I have?’ said Wilt, clutching the lectern even more closely. The attention of the entire class was now focused on his right leg. Wilt tried to hide it behind his left.
‘And by the look of it I’d say it was something important to you.’
Wilt knew damned well what it was. With a lurch, he let go of the lectern and grabbed his trouser leg in a vain attempt to stop the box but the beastly thing had already evaded him. It hung for a moment almost coyly half out of the trouser cuff and then slid onto his shoe. Wilt’s hand shot out and smothered the brute and the next moment he was trying to get it into his pocket. The box didn’t budge. Still attached to the bandage by the plaster he had used, it refused to come without the bandage. As Wilt tried to drag it away it became obvious he was in danger of splitting the seam of his trousers. It was also fairly obvious that the other end of the bandage was still round his waist and had no intention of coming off. At this rate, he’d end up half-naked in front of the class and suffering from a strangulated hernia into the bargain. On the other hand, he could hardly stay half-crouching there and any attempt to drag the bloody thing up the inside of his trousers from the top was bound to be misinterpreted. In fact, by the sound of things, his predicament already had been. Even from his peculiar position, Wilt was aware that Captain Clodiak had got to her feet, a bleeper was sounding and the astro-navigator was saying something about codpieces.
Only the engineer was being at all constructive. ‘Is that a medical problem you got there?’ he asked and missed Wilt’s contorted reply that it wasn’t. ‘I mean, we’ve got the best facilities for the treatment of infections of the urino-genital tract this side of Frankfurt and I can call up a medic …’
Wilt relinquished his hold on the box and stood up. It might be embarrassing to have a cricket box hanging out of his trousers but it was infinitely preferable to being examined in his present state by an airbase doctor. God knows what the man would make of a runaway erection. ‘I don’t need any doctor,’ he squawked. ‘It’s just … well, I was playing cricket before I came here and in a hurry not to be late I forgot … Well, I’m sure you understand.’
Mrs Ofrey clearly didn’t. With some remark about the niceties of life being wanting, she marched out of the hall in the wake of Captain Clodiak. Before Wilt could say that all he needed was to get to the toilet, the acned clerk had intervened. ‘Say, Mr Wilt,’ he said, ‘I didn’t know you were a cricket player. Why, only three weeks ago you were saying you couldn’t tell me what you English call a curve ball.’
‘Some other time,’ said Wilt, ‘right now I need to get to … er … a washroom.’
‘You sure you don’t want –’
‘Definitely,’ said Wilt, ‘I am perfectly all right. It’s just a … never mind.’
He hobbled out of the hall and was presently ensconced in a cubicle fighting a battle with the box, the bandage and his trousers. Behind him, the class were discussing this latest manifestation of British Culture with a greater degree of interest than they had shown for Wilt’s views on voting patterns. ‘I still say he don’t know anything about cricket,’ said the PX clerk, only to be countered by the navigator and the engineer who were more interested in Wilt’s medical condition. ‘I had an uncle in Idaho had to wear a support. It’s nothing unusual. Fell off a ladder when he was painting the house one spring,’ said the engineer. ‘Those things can be real serious.’
*
‘I told you, Major,’ said the Corporal, ‘two radio transmitters, one tape recorder, no bomb.’
‘Definitely?’ asked Glaushof, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice.
‘Definite,’ said the Corporal and was supported in this by the Major from the Demolition and Excavation Section who wanted to know whether he could order his men to move the dumpers back. As they rolled away leaving Wilt’s Escort isolated in the middle of the parking lot, Glaushof tried to salvage some opportunity from the situation. After all, Colonel Urwin, the Intelligence Officer, was away for the weekend and in his absence Glaushof could have done with a crisis.
‘He had to come in here with that equipment for some reason,’ he said, ‘transmitting like that. Any ideas on the matter, Major?’
‘Could be it’s a dummy run to check if they can bring a bomb in and explode it by remote control,’ said the Major, whose expertise tended to make him one-track-minded.
‘Except he was transmitting, not receiving,’ said the Corporal. ‘They’d need signals in, not out, for a bomb. And what’s with the recorder?’
‘Not my department,’ said the Major. ‘Explosively, it’s clean. I’ll go file my report.’
Glaushof took the plunge. ‘With me,’ he said. ‘You file it with me and no one else. We’ve got to shroud this.’
‘We’ve done that once already with the safety trucks and quite unnecessarily.’
‘Sure,’ said Glaushof, ‘but we still gotta find out what this is all about. I’m in charge of security and I don’t like it, some Limey bastard coming in with all this equipment. Either it’s a dummy run like you said, or it’s something else.’
‘It’s got to be something else,’ said the Corporal, ‘obviously. With the equipment he’s using, you could tape lice fucking twenty miles away it’s that sensitive.’
‘So his wife’s getting evidence for a divorce,’ said the Major.
‘Must be goddam desperate for it,’ said the Corporal, ‘using two transmitters and a recorder. And that stuff’s not general issue. I never seen a civilian using homers that sophisticated.’
‘Homers?’ said Glaushof, who had been preoccupied by the concept of lice fucking. ‘How do you mean, homers?’
‘Like they’re direction indicators. Signals go out and two guys pick it up on their sets and they’ve got where he is precise.’
‘Jesus!’ said Glaushof. ‘You mean the Russkies could have sent this guy Wilt in as an agent so they can pinpoint right where we are?’
‘They’re doing that already infra-red by satellite. They don’t need some guy coming in waving a radio flag,’ said the Corporal. ‘Not unless they want to lose him.’
‘Lose him? What would they want to do that for?’
‘I don’t know,’ continued the Corporal. ‘You’re Security, I’m just Technical and why anybody wants to do things isn’t my province. All I do know is I wouldn’t send any agent of mine any place I didn’t want him caught with those signals spelling out he was coming. Like putting a fucking mouse in a room with a cat and it can’t stop fucking squeaking.’
But Glaushof was not to be deterred. ‘The fact of the matter is this Wilt came in with unauthorized spy equipment and he isn’t going out.’
‘So they’re going to know he’s here from those signals,’ said the Corporal.
&nb
sp; Glaushof glared at him. The man’s common sense had become intensely irritating. Here was his opportunity to hit back. ‘You don’t mean to tell me those radios are still operational?’ he shouted.
‘Sure,’ said the Colonel. ‘You tell me and the Major here to check the car for bombs. You didn’t say nothing about screwing his transmission equipment. Bombs, you said.’
‘Correct,’ said the Major. ‘That’s what you did say. Bombs.’
‘I know I said bombs,’ yelled Glaushof, ‘you think I need telling?’ He stopped and turned his attention lividly on the car. If the radios were still working, presumably the enemy already knew they’d been discovered, in which case … His mind raced on, following lines which led to catastrophe. He had to make a momentous decision, and now. Glaushof did. ‘Right, we’re going in,’ he said, ‘and you’re going out.’
Five minutes later, in spite of his protests that he wasn’t driving any fucking car thirty miles with fucking spooks following his fucking progress, not unless he had a fucking escort, the Corporal drove out of the base. The tape in the recorder had been removed and replaced with a new one, but in all other respects there was nothing to indicate that the car had been tampered with. Glaushof’s instructions had been quite explicit. ‘You drive right back and dump it outside his house,’ he had told the Corporal. ‘You’ve got the Major here with you to bring you back and if there’s any problems, he’ll take care of them. Those bastards want to know where their boy is they can start looking at home. They’re going to have trouble finding him here.’
‘Ain’t going to have no trouble finding me,’ said the Corporal, who knew never to argue with a senior officer. He should have stuck to dumb insolence.
For a moment, Glaushof watched as the two vehicles disappeared across the bleak night landscape. He had never liked it but now it had taken on an even more sinister aspect. It was across those flatlands that the wind blew from Russia non-stop from the Urals. In Glaushof’s mind, it was an infected wind which, having blown around the domes and turrets of the Kremlin, threatened the very future of the world. And now somewhere out there someone was listening. Glaushof turned away. He was going to find out who those sinister listeners were.
14
‘I got the whole place wrapped up, sir, and he’s still inside,’ said Lieutenant Harah when Glaushof finally reached Lecture Hall 9. Glaushof didn’t need telling. He had had enough trouble himself getting through the cordon the Lieutenant had thrown up around the hall and in other circumstances would have expressed himself irritably on the Lieutenant’s thoroughness. But the situation was too serious for recrimination, and besides he respected his second-in-command’s expertise. As head of the APPS, the Anti Perimeter Penetration Squad, Lieutenant Harah had been through training at Fort Knox, in Panama and had seen action at Greenham Common disguised as a British bobby where he had qualified for a Purple Heart after being bitten in the leg by a mother of four, an experience which had left him with a useful bias against women. Glaushof appreciated his misogyny. At least one man in Baconheath could be relied on not to lay Mona Glaushof and Harah wasn’t going to play footsy with any CND women if and when they tried breaking into Baconheath.
On the other hand, he seemed to have gone too far this time. Quite apart from the six hit-squad men in gas masks by the glass fronted door to the lecture hall and a number of others crouching under the windows round the side a small group of women were standing with their heads up against the wall of the next building.
‘What are those?’ Glaushof asked. He had a nasty suspicion he recognized Mrs Ofrey’s Scottish knitwear.
‘Suspected women,’ said Lieutenant Harah.
‘What do you mean “suspected women”?’ demanded Glaushof. ‘Either they’re women or they aren’t.’
‘They came out dressed as women, sir,’ said the Lieutenant, ‘doesn’t mean to say they are. Could be the terrorist dressed as one. You want me to check them out?’
‘No,’ said Glaushof, wishing to hell he had given the order to storm the building before he had put in an appearance himself. It wasn’t going to look too good spread-eagling the wife of the Chief Administrative Officer against a wall with a gun at her head, and to have her checked out sexually by Lieutenant Harah would really foul things up. On the other hand even Mrs Ofrey could hardly complain about being rescued from a possible hostage situation.
‘You sure there’s no way he could have got out?’
‘Absolute,’ said the Lieutenant. ‘I got marksmen on the next block in case he makes the roof and the utilities tunnels are sealed. All we got to do is toss a canister of Agent Incapacitating in there and there’s going to be no trouble.’
Glaushof glanced nervously at the row of women and doubted it. There was going to be trouble and maybe it would be better if that trouble could be seen to be serious. ‘I’ll get those women under cover and then you go in,’ he said. ‘And no shooting unless he fires first. I want this guy taken for interrogation. You got that?’
‘Absolute, sir,’ said the Lieutenant. ‘He gets a whiff of AI he wouldn’t find a trigger to pull if he wanted to.’
‘Okay. Give me five minutes and then go,’ said Glaushof and crossed to Mrs Ofrey.
‘If you ladies will just step this way,’ he said, and dismissing the men who were holding them hurried the little group round the corner and into the lobby of another lecture hall. Mrs Ofrey was clearly annoyed.
‘What do you mean –’ she began but Glaushof raised a hand. ‘If you’ll just let me explain,’ he said, ‘I realize you have been inconvenienced but we have an infiltration situation on our hands and we couldn’t afford the possibility of you being held hostage.’ He paused and was glad to see that even Mrs Ofrey had taken the message. ‘How absolutely dreadful,’ she murmured.
It was Captain Clodiak’s reaction that surprised him. ‘Infiltration situation? We just had the usual class no problem,’ she said, ‘I didn’t see anybody new. Are you saying there’s somebody in there we don’t know about?’
Glaushof hesitated. He had hoped to keep the question of Wilt’s identity as a secret agent to himself and not have news of it spreading round the base like wildfire. He certainly didn’t want it getting out until he had completed his interrogation and had all the information he needed to prove that the Intelligence Section, and in particular that bland bastard Colonel Urwin, hadn’t screened a foreign employee properly. That way the Colonel would take a fall and they could hardly avoid promoting Glaushof. Let Intelligence get wind of what was going on and the plan might backfire. Glaushof fell back on the ‘Eyes off’ routine.
‘I don’t think it advisable at this moment in time to elucidate the matter further. This is a top-security matter. Any leak could severely prejudice the defensive capabilities of Strategic Air Command in Europe. I must insist on a total information blackout.’
For a moment the pronouncement had the effect he had wanted. Even Mrs Ofrey looked satisfactorily stunned. Then Captain Clodiak broke the silence. ‘I don’t get it,’ she said. ‘There’s us and this Wilt guy in there, nobody else. Right?’ Glaushof said nothing. ‘So you bring up the stormtroopers and have us pinned against the wall as soon as we walk out and now you tell us it’s an infiltration situation. I don’t believe you, Major, I just don’t believe you. The only infiltration I know of is what that bastard sexist lieutenant did up my ass and I intend to formalize a complaint against Lieutenant Harah and you can pull as many phoney agents out of your pinhead imagination as you like, you still aren’t going to stop me.’
Glaushof gulped. He could see he’d been right to describe the Captain as a feisty woman and entirely wrong to have allowed Lieutenant Harah to act on his own. He’d also been fairly wrong in his estimation of the Lieutenant’s antipathy for women though even Glaushof had to admit that Captain Clodiak was a remarkably attractive woman. In an attempt to save the situation he tried a sympathetic smile. It came out lopsided. ‘I’m sure Lieutenant Harah had no intention of –’ he began.
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‘So what’s with the hand?’ snapped the Captain. ‘You think I don’t know intentions when I feel them? Is that what you think?’
‘Perhaps he was doing a weapon check,’ said Glaushof, who knew now he would have to do something really astonishing to regain control of the situation. He was saved by the sound of breaking glass. Lieutenant Harah had waited exactly five minutes before taking action.
*
It had taken Wilt rather more than five minutes to unravel the bandage and slide it down his trouser leg and reassemble the box in a position where it would afford him some measure of protection from the spasmodic antics of his penis. In the end he had succeeded and had just tied the entire contraption together rather uncomfortably when there was a knock on the door.
‘You okay, Mr Wilt?’ asked the engineer.
‘Yes, thank you,’ said Wilt as politely as his irritation allowed. It was always the same with nice idiots. The sods offered to help in precisely the wrong way. All Wilt wanted now was to get the hell out of the base without any further embarrassment. But the engineer didn’t understand the situation. ‘I was just telling Pete how I had an uncle in Idaho had the same support problem,’ said the engineer through the door.
‘Really?’ said Wilt, feigning interest while actually struggling to pull his zip up. A thread of bandage had evidently got caught in the thing. Wilt tried pulling it down.
‘Yea. He went around for years with this bulky thing on until my Auntie Annie heard of this surgeon in Kansas City and she took my Uncle Rolf down there and of course he didn’t want to go but he never did regret it. I can give you his name if you like.’
‘Fuck,’ said Wilt. A stitch on the bottom of his zip sounded as though it had torn.
‘Did you say something, Mr Wilt?’ asked the engineer.
‘No,’ said Wilt.
There was a moment’s silence while the engineer evidently considered his next move and Wilt tried holding the bottom of the zip to his trousers while wrenching the tag at the same time. ‘As I see it, and you’ve got to understand I’m not a medical man myself I’m an engineer so I know about structural failure, there’s muscle deterioration in the lower –’
