September Mourn

by Jess Lourey

  “Going up?”

  “No thanks,” I said. “I’ll take the stairs.” The building hadn’t changed.

  Lissa’s apartment was on the seventh floor, apartment number 711, which was an easy number to remember, even though my senses had been hazy every time I’d stumbled to it. I followed the geometrically-patterned 1960s carpet and stopped at the red diamond in front of Lissa’s apartment. I could hear laughter inside, and people singing along to the music.

  I recognized the tune—“Waitress in the Sky,” by The Replacements. Alison and I used to crank that song at Perfume River. It was the anthem of waitresses on the ground, and listening to the lyrics, I couldn’t remember why. I knocked.

  No one answered, so I opened the door and walked in.

  The music was louder in here. Lissa had inserted special light bulbs with stained glass patterns in all her lamps, giving the room a muted, warm glow. The front space, her living room, was packed with chattering party-goers, clinking drinks in their hands, and behind, in the kitchen, pairs of guests were laughing and leaning in close.

  I didn’t recognize anyone.

  I put my hand on the doorknob at my back. This had been a bad idea. I started to twist, and the knob twisted back. The door opened, and in strode Alison.

  “Mira! You made it! Lissa, come over here. Mira’s here!” Alison draped one arm around me and waved across the room with the other.

  Near the stereo, a dark head popped up, and I saw Lissa’s familiar kohl-rimmed eyes and blood-red lipstick framed in a Bettie Page haircut. She finished her conversation and wove through the crowd toward us.

  “Mira! Where you been? I haven’t seen you around for a while.”

  “I moved.”

  “No shit. When?”

  Alison laughed. “Last winter. Remember? I told you about it when I quit Perfume River.”

  “Actually, I moved last spring.” I smiled wanly.

  “Same difference.”

  “Well good to see you,” Lissa said. “Hey Alison, did you hear about Bill getting busted?”

  “Again? What for this time?”

  “Selling pot, what else? Hey Mira, grab me a drink, will you, and get one for yourself. If you go in the kitchen, you’ll see there’s hard liquor and a keg. Choose your poison. Oh, and there’s a ten dollar cover. You can pay Glen. He’s the guy in the tie dye.” She steered Alison toward the stereo.

  I found myself standing there, alone in a crowd. The Replacements were now singing “Little Mascara.” On the other side of the room was the entryway to a brightly lit kitchen full of liquor. With ten dollars, I could buy comfort and familiarity. I’d get a little tipsy, enjoying that warm tingle as it spread to my fingers and toes, and realize that I knew more people than I thought here. I’d strike up a conversation with that guy whose band I had seen at the 400 Bar last year, or that chick who’d always come in to Perfume River on Wednesdays for lunch and order Imperial tofu, hold the onions. We’d realize we had tons in common.

  As the evening grew late and the drinks flowed, we’d get looser and pledge our undying devotion to one another and hash out what was wrong with the world and how we’d fix it if given the chance. In between, we’d dance wildly and loosen our clothes, smoke whatever was passed our way. When Lissa and Alison would cross my path, I’d hug them and tell them it was okay that they hadn’t written or called, that we’d be friends forever, even if we never showed it, we’d just know.

  “Hey, you okay?”

  I blinked, holding on to the wall for support. Next to me was a long-haired guy with a giant nose as hooked as a claw.

  “I think I need some fresh air,” I told him.

  He looked concerned. “You want me to get one of your friends?”

  “I don’t have any friends here,” I said. “Thanks anyway.”

  I opened the door and stepped into the hallway. Following the geometric pattern back down the hallway to the stairs, I passed a dreadlocked pair making out in front of the exit door. I chose the elevator, pinching my nose against the sour pine scent of urine-soaked carpet and used my elbow to push the button for the first floor.

  Outside, I hailed a cab, which dropped me off in front of the State Fair. Following a familiar path, I was back at the Airstream in no time. Warm light spilled out when I cracked the door, along with the comforting smells of hot cocoa and buttery, microwaved popcorn.

  “Mira! You’re just in time. We’re putting together a care package for the Pederson family, and then we’re going to play some Gin Rummy. Care to lose oodles of money to an old lady and a crazy mayor?”

  I smiled so wide that it pushed back the tears. “More than anything.”

  Thirty-Two

  I was growing tired of watching Milkfed Mary heads take shape out of butter, but I still needed to check the hair of all the contestants. Unfortunately, the scheduled morning appearance of the entire cast of Milkfed Marys had been canceled as they had a community event to attend in St. Paul, followed by a last-minute interview set up at the KSTP station. Megan was going to miss out, but somebody had to stay at the fair and hold down the butter fort.

  Last night, I had started to develop a theory about the Milkfed Marys’ hair mystery, and both Mrs. Berns and Kennie had assured me it made sense, not that they were a reliable gauge of sensibility. I’d need to wait to see all of the Milkfed Marys together with their hair down to test my theory, and that wasn’t gonna happen until the daily State Fair parade taking place later in the afternoon.

  I thought I could at least check out Megan’s ’do, but she was rotating in the booth with her blonde hair in a ponytail and had turned up the collar on her jacket, so I was SOL. Glenda was having a bear of a time sculpting the perky hairstyle, which required her to balance butter in midair from a narrow point with all the skill of a civil engineer.

  I hung around for the entire carving of Megan’s head, staking out a comfortable bench near the east wall where I could read and people watch. In the end, Megan’s carving took four hours, a third less time than the previous ones because her face was rather bland, making her the perfect subject for the milquetoast medium. When she stepped out of the booth, I had a quick chat with her and discovered she knew nothing of any significance.

  “That’s creepy about Brittany’s hair, though.” She shook her head in disbelief, her ponytail swishing from side to side.

  “She told you?”

  “Yeh. We were all talking about it at the dorm last night.”

  This might save me some time. “Anyone else missing hair?”

  “Delrita and Brittany, that’s it. We all checked each other. Felt like we were looking for ticks. I think it’s that princess from Olmstead County who did it. She’s such a hobag, I can totally see her cutting off people’s hair.” She put her left hand to her right wrist, and then stopped as a look of frustration crossed her face.

  “What’s up?”

  “My aquamarine bracelet. It was a graduation present from my boyfriend, and I hardly ever take it off. I couldn’t find it anywhere this morning. I keep feeling for it out of habit.”

  I raised my eyebrows. This was a new twist, but it supported my current theory about where the hair had gone. “Yeah? Anyone else missing jewelry?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Can you ask the other princesses for me? I’ll be at the parade today.”

  She snorted. “Am I supposed to flash you a sign if I find out something? We’ll be on a float, you know.”

  “A thumbs up will do.”

  She wrinkled her button nose. “Okay. If I remember.”

  After my interesting dish with Megan and a final scan of the Dairy building to make sure no suspicious, cyanide-toting characters were in attendance, I headed back to the trailer to grab my wallet, which I must have left behind after losing $12.55 to Mrs. Berns in a feverish, if one-sided, Gin Rummy marathon.

  I smiled as I passed the Kidway. In no hurry to be a mom myself, I still loved the squeal of kids having fun. I was yanke
d out of my reverie when Delrita crossed my line of vision, disappearing behind the towering Giant Slide, a two hundred-foot-plus permanent fair structure.

  She’d ducked behind one of the walls hiding the metal supports. I dashed after her, curious why she wasn’t with the rest of the Milkfed Marys at the community event. A screech of outrage made me draw up before I cleared the corner of the slide wall.

  “You’re a liar! You just wanted to ruin my career, and you’ve done mighty fine at that, thank you.” This first voice was familiar, but I couldn’t place it without a face.

  Delrita spoke next. “This isn’t about you. I didn’t even know you before the pageant.” My ears perked up at Delrita’s mention of “pageant,” but I still couldn’t place the first agitated female voice.

  “I didn’t mean getting into the pageant on a lie. I meant promising me you’d keep the secret. I had to leave the girls unchaperoned to come here and talk some sense into you. Why can’t you keep it all under wraps for seven more days? Then we can both go our own way.”

  “Because I don’t like the lying.” Delrita’s voice was solid with conviction.

  “Didn’t bother you when you signed on.”

  “That was then. Things have changed.”

  The accuser laughed, an ugly, threatening sound, and that’s when I definitively identified the speaker: Janice Opatz. “I’ll say they have.”

  “Mommy, I want to go. Please mommy.”

  I stopped my spying and came around the corner at the little girl’s voice. She sounded scared.

  “Mira?”

  “Delrita?” I found myself eye-to-eye with her, and at her heels were the two towheaded girls Delrita’s mother had introduced to me as Delrita’s nieces at her butter-carving session. And here they were calling Delrita “mom.”

  “This is just great,” Janice hissed. “Now the whole world will know. Good work, Delrita.”

  I ignored Janice and spoke directly to Delrita. “You have kids?”

  “Two,” Delrita said firmly. “Emma and Ella, will you say hi to Mira?”

  Emma, the oldest, held out her hand. Ella ducked her face into her mom’s skirt. “I’m pleased to meet both of you.” I returned my attention to Delrita. “Does this mean what I think it means?”

  “That I’m not eligible to be a Milkfed Mary? Yeah.”

  Janice puffed up. “It’s in the rules, clear as a bell. Section 14, Article 3, Subdivision 7, ‘A Milkfed Mary contestant must not have been married or have had any children, even if given up for adoption, prior to winning her title. If she gets married, becomes pregnant, or has any children at any time before the termination of her reign, she will forfeit any title and all winnings, including scholarships and endorsements, associated with the pageant.’ Delrita knew the rules, and still she entered the contest. She’s a liar.”

  Big tears started to stream down Emma’s cheeks as Janice berated her mother.

  “You’re upsetting the girls, Janice. And it’s just a stupid contest,” I said. I stopped from voicing what I was really thinking: you’d think the dairy industry would be more supportive of breeders.

  “A contest I never should have entered,” Delrita said, “and one I’m formally withdrawing from today. I made a mistake, and I’m tired of living the lie. I’m proud to be a single mom, and I’m proud of my babies.” She hugged them both close.

  I had a thought. I turned to Janice. “Was this the secret you were threatening Lana not to tell, up in the dormitory on Tuesday?”

  Janice looked ready to breathe fire. “A few of the girls knew. We decided it was in their best interest to keep Delrita’s situation private. If the reputation of one Milkfed Mary is sullied, she tarnishes all the girls’ standing. The contest becomes a joke.”

  “That’s bull,” Delrita said. “First of all, I only told Ashley, and that was in confidence. She told you because she was a worthless brown-noser. Lana overheard Ashley snitching to you and then told me. And second, you weren’t ever worried about any of us. You were worried about your job, plain and simple. And I’m not going to ask anyone to lie for me anymore, which is why I’ve resigned. It’s history. Mira, you can help me spread the word. I’m a mom, and I’m proud of it. Come on, girls. We’ve got some sliding to do!”

  Delrita lifted Ella and rested her on her hip, grabbed Emma’s hand, and led them off. I was left with an abruptly deflated-looking Janice.

  She started to massage her hands and stopped, reaching into her purse for hand disinfectant. “I just wanted to protect the pageant, that’s all. It symbolizes something important in this immoral world: old-fashioned farm values. Was it so bad that I wanted to protect that?”

  I studied her face, which had become sagging and gray without her characteristic controlled anger to plump it. “The pageant is important to you, isn’t it?”

  “It’s my life.”

  She turned and walked away.

  I almost felt sorry for her until her missing chunk of hair drew my attention, reminding me of my theory. I had a pretty good idea that Janice Opatz wasn’t exactly what she appeared to be, and the parade in an hour would prove it, if Megan didn’t forget her job. I scurried back to the Airstream to grab my wallet. Mrs. Berns had scrawled me a note:

  We’ve got a day full of Fair Bears’ duties. Don’t wait up. Bought you a fresh Nut Goodie.

  Indeed, the green-and-red wrapped candy was serving as a paperweight to the note, but as I looked at it, a horrible realization dawned: I wasn’t hungry for a Nut Goodie. By my count, I’d eaten seven of the battered, deep-fried candy bars since my arrival at the fair, and while my mouth was willing, my stomach and dimpling ass were on strike.

  Ever the optimist, I shoved the candy in my purse for later and searched for my wallet. It wasn’t on the table next to my laptop where I’d left it, so I got down on all fours. A little scrabbling around, and I uncovered it just underneath Kennie’s unmade bed. It must have fallen from the table where we had played cards.

  In that position, a black shape farther back under Kennie’s bed became visible. I flatted into an army crawl and pulled myself forward, fully expecting to discover a pile of dirty underwear or some old food. Instead, my searching hand made contact with my missing camera.

  I pulled myself and the camera out and sat on my heels, dust bunnies in my hair, and turned the camera around. It was definitely mine, or at least the newspaper’s. It was unlikely Mrs. Berns or Kennie would have tossed it back there, and besides, I had already checked that location when I first noticed the camera missing.

  I flicked on the power switch, grateful to discover the battery still had juice. Selecting the “View Photos” function, I was not surprised to see that all the pictures of Ashley had been deleted, leaving only a series on Luna and Tiger Pop frolicking in my vegetable garden back home. My heartbeat picked up, and I suddenly felt vulnerable in the trailer.

  Somebody had stolen the camera, destroyed the photos of Ashley, and then returned it. That meant the trailer had been broken into at least twice, and by somebody who didn’t want evidence of what the camera had captured at Ashley’s ceremony. I stood quickly, brushed myself off, and scoured the trailer for any more signs of a break-in.

  Nothing.

  I fired up my laptop to see if anyone had monkeyed with it. A search of the “history” showed that no new sites had been visited. If the thief who had broken into the trailer was interested in what I was doing online, however, they would know I had been researching Aeon, cyanide, and the 1977 Milkfed Mary pageant.

  A cold tickle of fear whispered down my back. I needed to warn Mrs. Berns and Kennie about our malefactor, and we would have to make double sure to lock all windows and the door before we left.

  With my computer on, I decided to check my e-mail. I only had two messages. The first was from Ron:

  Got ’em.

  Short and sweet, like the man himself. Well, half like him. I was glad to know he’d successfully received the Ag-Hort and 4-H articles I had sent the previous
afternoon. The second e-mail was from Johnny, the third I’d received since our disastrous post-concert evening:

  Hey, Mira! You wouldn’t believe the bounty that’s coming in at the farmer’s market. When you get back, we’ll have to do some canning. Oh, and the band got some good publicity at the fair. The Pioneer Press is running a full-page article on The Thumbs next week. Good stuff! See you tomorrow at the fair. Johnny

  Tomorrow.

  He was coming back tomorrow.

  This raised a different kind of fear in me, one that ran deep. Sighing, I decided that it was time to stop being afraid of falling in love. This was as good a time as ever to start the new life with the new me, the one where I was defined by my actions instead of my reactions. I hit “reply” and typed quickly, my first e-mail to him ever:

  Thanks for the e-mail, Johnny. That’s fantastic news about your band! You guys are going to make it big. Canning sounds great. I’m looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I’d like to finish what we started.

  Mira

  I immediately pulled the “send” trigger before I chickened out.

  I’d never been so direct with Johnny, so open about how I felt about him. I really did want to finish what we’d started after his show at the Leinie Lodge. I wanted him to kiss me long and hard.

  There.

  It was out there.

  It was the truth.

  I wanted to melt into Johnny like I was butter and he was hot toast. I wanted to kiss so long that our lips pruned. I wanted to roll in the grass with him like we were wildcats tied together at the waist. I wanted all that and more.

  Then, a thought occurred that squeezed my heart in a bad way: had my e-mail been too obtuse, too vague? Would he think I wanted to finish what we started in my garden, tying up the tomato plants? Or finish what we started at the library, where we were renovating the children’s reading space? Or even finish what we started in dialing back our relationship to friendship mode? Christ. I was a lousy flirt. I should have just told him he needed to kiss me and be out with it. I couldn’t retract the e-mail, though. It was hurtling through cyberspace, probably already on his laptop and maybe even being read.