by Jodi Taylor
‘But – you’re bleeding. What has he done to you?’
‘Nothing. Roses are prickly.’
‘But – why are you doing it?’
‘I like it.’
Her chest heaved and her massive restraint only emphasised her anger.
‘Where – is – Russell – Checkland?’
‘Oops,’ said Thomas. ‘“Down the pub” may not be the best answer.’
As always, in times of crisis, words packed it in for the day.
At that moment, for better or for worse, the back door slammed. The villain was back.
He slouched in, cheerful but not completely inebriated. The sight of Francesca on his sofa wiped the smile off his face. Staring at her, he missed Aunt Julia and me completely. But then, he never saw anyone else if Francesca was in the room.
Aunt Julia, however, had no difficulty identifying her target. I retreated to the window. They could get on with it without me.
‘Good move,’ said Thomas. ‘Let them slug it out and we’ll just deal with the last man standing. Whoever that may be. ’
Francesca had risen at his entrance. For an endless time they looked at each other. He didn’t bother with a greeting. ‘Why are you here?’
‘We’ve come to visit the newly-weds.’
Was there a mocking note there?
She wafted towards him. He stepped back warily. ‘I wouldn’t if I were you. I’m covered in donkey slather.’
‘That stopped her dead,’ said Thomas.
‘Yes,’ he said with alcohol-induced cheerfulness. ‘We have a sick donkey. She leaks from every orifice. Speaking of which, how are you, Julia?’
She went straight into attack mode.
‘Better than poor Jenny, by the looks of things, Russell.’
‘Oh God, we’re not back to “poor Jenny” again, are we? What’s the matter now?’
‘Are you blind? Look at the state of her.’
‘Julia, it’s only odd socks. No need to have a cow.’
She swelled again. ‘I can only assume you are being deliberately provocative. I visit my niece and she’s bleeding.’
He barely glanced at me. ‘Roses get you, did they? Vicious little buggers. I’ll lend you my motor cycle helmet. It has a visor. Problem solved, Julia.’
‘No, it’s not,’ said Thomas.
‘No, it’s not,’ she said. ‘She looks so tired and unhappy. What have you been doing to her?’
‘Well, she didn’t look tired and unhappy when I left a couple of hours ago so what have you been doing to her?’
‘What have I been doing to her?’
‘I just said that. Try to keep up, Julia. Have the two of you been drinking?’
‘You do not divert me from questioning your treatment of my niece. I demand to know what’s going on here and I don’t leave until I do.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, Jenny, tell her will you? Otherwise she’ll be here until Christmas.’
‘I don’t know what all the fuss is about,’ said Francesca, annoyed at being overlooked for so long. ‘It’s not as if it’s a real marriage, is it? Russ only did it to make me jealous and she did it because she’s desperate.’
That shut everyone up.
I got up quietly and walked out. Mrs Crisp, standing helplessly with the tea trolley, held the door open for me.
I put on my wellies, walked across the yard, through the garden, and back to the bonfire. There was a whole garden and several walls between them and me and I could still hear the shouting.
I found a stick and poked the smouldering bonfire, because you can’t help poking a bonfire. The ashes dimmed. It began to get dark.
Somewhere a door slammed and a car started. Even the engine sounded angry.
But not as angry as me. Not as hurt as me. Or as humiliated as me. Or as stupid as me. I poked and poked and the fire began to go out.
‘Jenny,’ said Thomas gently. ‘Just why are you so upset?’
I wasn’t going to answer that one. Even to myself I wasn’t going to answer that one.
Eventually I heard footsteps and Russell appeared. He sat beside me and draped an old jacket over my shoulders. I hadn’t realised how cold I was.
‘I have good news and I have bad news.’
I didn’t care.
‘The good news is that relations are completely severed. Apparently they will never darken any of our doors again and we certainly won’t be darkening theirs.’
I said nothing.
‘The bad news is that I’m worried my wife will never speak again. Can you say something, please, if only to put my mind at rest.’
Painfully, I dragged the words out.
‘I want a … divorce.’
‘Those are not the words to put my mind at rest.’
I hit him on the arm.
‘Hat-trick,’ said Thomas.
‘Ow!’ he said, rubbing his arm. ‘What –?’
‘Enough. I want a divorce.’
‘Jenny …’
I tried to get up. He pulled me down. I hit him again.
‘Well, that’s you ahead of the others now, on points.’
‘Ow!’
I tried again to get up and he pulled me down again. ‘Stop. Stop. No, Jenny, just listen.’
No. I wasn’t going to listen any more. No more stuff about looking after me, about how I wouldn’t regret it. I was done with all that. I know it was my own fault. I’d made a big mistake but at least I could minimise the damage.
He was staring at me. ‘You’re serious, aren’t you? You really want this?’
‘Exactly how … much … must I endure … before you see this is not working?’
He was silent a long time.
‘I have an idea.’
‘… Better or worse than the last one?’
‘No, listen. I’m sorry about back there. I behaved badly. Everyone did. Except you. Believe me, Francesca will never come here again. Or Julia. But you need to think this through. We both do. We rushed into this. Let’s not rush out again. You’re cold. Come inside and have something to eat. We’ll talk then. Come on.’
He pulled me up and we went inside. It was completely dark by now. Kevin had brought in Boxer and everything was locked up. I followed him into the house.
‘We’ll eat in the kitchen,’ Russell told Mrs Crisp. She nodded and retired to her room.
I’m obviously not heroine material and far from picking at my food in the approved manner, I ate everything put in front of me.
‘That’s my girl,’ said Thomas.
Finally, he made coffee and pulled his chair closer.
‘OK, this is what I think. I’m not a monster and if you really want to go then of course you can. I’m not happy about it, but I certainly won’t get in your way. But, and it’s a big but, I don’t think you should go immediately. We’ve barely been married a fortnight. There would be huge gossip. Half of them would say there must be something really wrong with you and the other half would say I treated you so badly you couldn’t even stick it out for the first month. We neither of us want that. Let’s wait twelve months and then we’ll get a quiet divorce. We won’t tell anyone, we’ll just do it. I’m prepared to let your money go in return for your half of the house back, so we would both take away what we brought to the marriage. No more – no less. During the twelve months I’ll help you find somewhere to live. You can rely on me to do everything I can to keep you away from your aunt. And we can part friends. That would be important to me. What do you think?’
I’d sat in this very kitchen, on this very chair in fact, when he’d proposed marriage, and now we were discussing divorce. How could everything go so wrong so quickly?
I nodded. It seemed a good plan. Better than his last one, anyway.
He plonked my coffee down in front of me.
‘Right, that’s settled then. Don’t look so downcast, we can make this work. In the meantime, let’s do something normal.’ He reached across and pulled out a large sheet of paper.
‘I understand you won’t want to go lashing large amounts of money on the house now, but if you want to tackle the garden, I’d be very pleased. It’s good for you and it’s good for Kevin. Good thinking there, by the way. I thought I’d do a quick sketch of the garden as I remember it and draw you up a plan. Now, there’s a terrace along the back of the house, with steps opposite the French windows. Two paths run diagonally from corner to corner. But – and this is exciting – there’s a fountain in the middle. The basin’s about twelve feet across I think, with a statue of one of those hussies who can’t keep her clothes on properly. She’s clutching her robe with one hand and pouring water from a jug with the other. Finest pair of tits I’ve ever seen. In fact, until I was about fifteen, the only pair of tits I’d ever seen.’
I choked on my coffee.
‘That’s better,’ he said approvingly. ‘It’s not so bad, Jenny. You’ll see. Shall we go and watch some TV?’
I nodded and got up. It had been a long day.
So was the next day. I could hardly remember the time when one day was exactly the same as the rest.
The first thing that happened was that Sharon turned up and shortly afterwards Kevin was apparently struck by paralysis. And yes, the two events were connected.
Russell and I stood in the yard watching Marilyn hobble around, sticking her little head into everything.
Mrs Crisp was hanging out the washing and keeping a wary eye on the potentially tea-towel scoffing Marilyn.
Thomas was standing in the sun, resting a hip.
Kevin was wheeling the barrow across the yard, whistling.
So we were all there and we all saw.
Sharon opened the gate and slipped through, carefully fastening it behind her.
We all looked up. Marilyn skittered over to see if she was edible.
Sharon saw her aunt and smiled her blinding smile.
Kevin, not looking where he was going at all, pushed the barrow straight into the water trough.
Russell looked down at me, waggled his eyebrows and grinned. I grinned back. Life was a lot easier now we were getting a divorce. The pressure was off.
We both waited to see what would happen next. Mrs Crisp went forward to greet her. Sharon looked just as I remembered – apart from the small, beguiling donkey sniffing at her skirt.
I suddenly remembered I hadn’t mentioned this to him.
‘Sorry, I forgot. She’s coming in for a couple of … days a week to help Mrs Crisp.’
He was more interested in Kevin. ‘Do you think I should go and wake him up?’
‘No, leave him. If he lets go of the barrow he’ll fall over.’
‘Mr and Mrs Checkland, you remember Sharon, my niece.’
‘Of course,’ said Russell. ‘How are you?’
‘Very pleased to be here, sir.’
‘Just a few rules,’ he said. ‘Please remember I am the master here. My rule is law. I expect my smallest wishes to be granted immediately and my bigger ones within ten minutes. I do not tolerate slacking off and any member of staff showing signs of happiness is subject to instant dismissal. Hours are long and full of toil. You may or may not get paid. Welcome.’
She giggled.
He sighed. ‘Why doesn’t that ever work?’
I said to her. ‘Thank you for coming. We are very pleased to see you,’ and it came out surprisingly easily.
‘Yet another undiscovered benefit of divorce,’ murmured Thomas, who seemed to be taking things remarkably well.
‘A lot can happen in twelve months.’
He got that right.
Russell raised his voice. ‘Kevin, come and say hello.’
His face was like a sunset.
She smiled, blushed, and looked at her feet. ‘Hello.’
He mumbled something. It could have been hello.
Russell clapped him on the shoulder. ‘We’ll let Mrs Crisp show you around inside and then Kevin here can show you around outside. All right, Kevin?’
He mumbled something else.
‘This is just cruel,’ said Thomas. ‘Someone put him out of his misery.’
A car hooted in the lane and Kevin went thankfully to open the gate. Russell frowned. ‘A bit early for Andrew. I thought he was coming tomorrow. Why is he here so often?’
Why was he cross with me?
‘Oh, Jenny,’ said Thomas.
It was Uncle Richard.
‘Oh, shit,’ said Russell. ‘We’re about to have our doors darkened. Oh no you don’t.’ I was just quietly melting away to the garden. ‘I need backup and you’re it. Besides, if I can’t produce you in at least reasonable condition they’ll think I’ve murdered you for your money and buried the body. A shame, because I would much rather have stood and watched our young loves blush at each other, but never let it be said a Checkland flinched in the face of danger. Come on, wife. You go first.’
It was reassuring to see that Uncle Richard looked at least as embarrassed as I felt. He preceded us into the house and I tugged Russell’s sleeve. ‘Did you call him?’
‘No, did you?’
I shook my head.
‘Well, let’s go and find out what he wants.’
Uncle Richard declined tea, coffee, something stronger, any form of refreshment at all.
He seemed so distressed that I was distressed for him.
‘Uncle Richard?’
He sighed. ‘I’ve come about yesterday. I gather from what my wife and daughter have told me that – unfortunate remarks – were made.’
He got no further.
‘A remark was made that was so unfortunate as to cause my wife to leave her own home in some distress. I won’t deny that there were subsequent – unfortunate remarks – from both sides, but –’
‘I understand, Russell, but please try and understand these remarks sprang from concern over your wife’s well-being.’
‘If you can understand, sir, that these remarks were uncalled for and unjustified. That Jenny’s condition was not due in any way to the primitive conditions under which I apparently force her to live, but simply the result of extreme gardening. As anyone less prone to jump to the wrong conclusions would have seen immediately.’
‘He’s very good, isn’t he?’
‘I’m sure,’ said Uncle Richard, persevering, ‘that a reasonable and timely explanation from you could easily have resolved any incorrect conclusions drawn.’
‘I am equally certain, sir, that that would have been the case had I been allowed to utter said reasonable and timely explanations. And,’ he continued, pressing home his advantage, ‘I would be extremely grateful, sir, if you could advise your daughter that her uninvited visits here are neither appropriate nor welcome.’
‘Wow,’ said Thomas. ‘That’s really telling him. And her. And you too, Jenny. Good for him.’
Uncle Richard, far from taking offence, nodded silently. ‘I won’t deny, Russell, unpalatable though your words are, I’m glad to hear them. Yes, I will pass the message on.’
‘Thank you, sir. I appreciate it’s not a pleasant task, but it’s better coming from you than me. And certainly better than coming from Daniel, whom I’m reluctant to involve at all in this.’
‘I understand you, I think.’
Silence fell.
‘Well,’ said Thomas. ‘ Typical of him. Now he gets his act together. Just when it doesn’t really matter any more. What is wrong with him?’
I was baffled too. Why couldn’t he have done that last week? Or last month? Why now? And did it make a difference?
Uncle Richard stirred. ‘I think, Jenny, if the offer is still open, I would like some tea after all.’
I jumped up and went to see Mrs Crisp. When I came back, Russell had handed him his credit card statements and receipts.
‘No, no, Russell, just the statement will be fine. Keep the receipts for your own records. I will assume that by passing me these, you are authorising payment.’
Russell paused.
‘Yes,’
I said. ‘I checked … them all and everything is correct.’
Russell smiled. ‘You did? Well, thanks very much. I hate doing that. Can you do it every month?
‘Of course, if you want me to.’
‘I very definitely do.’
So I had housework to supervise, cooking to learn, gardening to do, and accounts to reconcile. Just like a real person.
Mrs Crisp brought in some tea. In the best cups. Obviously, she liked Uncle Richard. Aunt Julia and Francesca were lucky they didn’t get theirs in a bucket.
‘I was wondering…’ said Uncle Richard, accepting a cup. ‘In fact Julia asked me to ask you … as a gesture, you understand … whether, if you aren’t doing anything tomorrow night, if you would like to … dine with us?’
Fortunately, I wasn’t holding anything otherwise we’d be a best cup and saucer down and with another unfortunate stain on the rug. I’d lived there twenty years and I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’d actually dined with them. Was this some sort of plot to get me back there? Once I walked in through the door I’d never get back out again?
I looked anxiously at Russell, who could add mind-reading to his other accomplishments.
‘Why not come here, Richard? Allow the newly-weds to entertain you. And,’ he said, with amused malice, ‘you’ll be able to check out Jenny’s living conditions at the same time.’
Fortunately, he took it as a joke.
‘Well, yes, how kind. That would be very kind. Julia and I would be delighted.’
Thomas said anxiously, ‘Will you be cooking at all, Jenny?’
Mrs Crisp was thrown into a complete panic.
‘What’s the problem?’ said Russell. ‘You cook every day. It’s just a case of adding two more people.’
‘It’s not that,’ she said. ‘It’s a dinner party – which is completely different. And it’s been so long. They dine out all over the place. They’ll expect –’
‘No, they won’t. It’s just a family dinner. Me, Jenny, Mr Kingdom, and his Rottweiler. No cause for alarm at all.’
She ignored him, reaching for her cookery books. He stopped her.
‘Jenny will choose the menu.’
This threw me into a complete panic as well.
‘Stop, stop,’ he said. ‘Everyone just calm down a minute.’
