We said our goodbyes and I slunk back to my chair. I didn’t like these feelings of impotence and frustration. I was used to being in control. To having a solution. But now? I couldn’t see anything past the fog of negativity in my brain.
I dropped in to my chair with a soft, “Oof.” Irresolution clawed at my throat, and stung my eyes with unshed tears. I would not break down in the middle of the office. That would be one misstep too many.
I breathed deep through my nose to try and calm myself. There were answers. I just needed to stop wallowing and spinning my wheels and find them. First things first. I didn’t want to be homeless at the end of the month.
Opening a web browser, I typed in cheap cash only housing. I didn’t think it would get me anywhere, but nothing else had either, so I needed to try a new approach. My eyes grew wide at one of the paid search results that popped up. I knew the image, and the logo. I drove by the motel every night on my way home from work.
But that was just it. It was a motel. I needed something long term. I clicked the link anyway, mind whirring to catch up with solutions I couldn’t quite grasp. As I scanned their page—weekly rates, discounts for storage, small cash deposit—hope crept in.
It was a little more expensive than what I was paying now, but considering the cost included utilities, cable, and internet... It would give me a place to crash until I could save a little more money.
I felt better than I had all week. I still needed to figure out what to do about Ryan and Seth. But now I could focus exclusively on them.
****
On Thursday, my gut sank when Ryan’s desk was empty. The clock ticked past nine, and then ten, and he still didn’t show up. Had I really cost him his job? The possibility made me want to retch.
I shouldn’t think like that. His own inability to take the project seriously had done this. Still, I could have given him more warning. Tried harder to make it right. And something told me I didn’t have all the facts. Too bad he wasn’t giving them to me.
By the time lunch rolled around, I was too ill with imagined scenarios to have any interest in the sandwich I hadn’t touched on Tuesday or Wednesday, either. I needed answers. Since Ryan was ignoring my texts, I’d have to go to a different source.
I said a brief prayer Seth wouldn’t make me raise my voice to have this conversation, and stepped into his cubicle. I fumbled for words I probably should have composed before I got there.
He looked up from his computer, brows raised. “So we’re finally going to stop this?”
“I— Yes?” I should feel relieved, but the lack of anything but irritation in his voice set my nerves further on edge.
“Good.” He grabbed his sunglasses and kept his voice low. “Get your purse, we’ll go to lunch, and you can tell me why you’re not eating, why you’re looking for a new apartment, and...” He glanced around, gaze pausing on Mark’s open office door. “Other things.”
I wasn’t going to tell him about the first two. No way in hell. And the twenty-two cents in my bank account wasn’t going to let me eat out. But I did want to have the “other things” conversation. “I was thinking we could just go outside for a little bit. Enjoy the sun. Chat. You know.”
He sighed as he stood. His hand at the small of my back summoned wants I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t bring myself to pull away. He reached over the top of my cubicle, grabbed my purse, and handed it to me. “Lunch is on me. No arguments.”
We made our way outside, and I dropped into his passenger seat when he held the door open for me. I twisted my fingers in and out of each other, trying to compose my story. He’d ask me again about skipping lunches, I knew he wouldn’t drop it that easily, but I could skate over the details. Tell him it was nothing and I had it under control. Then we could talk about Ryan.
A knot formed in my chest when he pulled into the parking lot of my favorite pub. They had the best steak sandwiches anywhere, and I was suddenly painfully aware of how little I’d eaten over the past few days. He still didn’t push for any information as we were seated. We both had our regular lunches, but I couldn’t ask him to spend that kind of money. I scanned the menu for something inexpensive.
When the waitress arrived, he placed his order and I asked for a large bowl of the soup of the day.
“No.” Seth cut me off before I could finish. “She’ll have the rib eye on sourdough, onion rings, not fries, and a diet Coke. And we need another of those sandwiches to go.”
Embarrassment raced through me. Great, now I felt like a starving orphan or something. I couldn’t look at him.
“Hey.” The irritation was gone from his voice. Under the table, he nudged my shoe with his. “Tell me what’s up, please?”
“I’m fine.” The lie was harder to force out than it should be. Suddenly, every inch of me desperately wanted to spill my guts. But I couldn’t unburden myself to him. “A little short on cash until payday. Nothing big. It happens.”
His lips drew into a thin line. “You’ve been drinking work coffee—which I know you hate—instead of bringing your own from home. Your lunch bag has sat untouched on your desk for three days, and you hide a long string of apartment listings anytime someone walks by your desk. Tell me, please?”
His expression was so sincere, the edges of his blue eyes soft with concern. Something inside gave under the uncertainty and tension, and I spilled everything about my money problems. Being broke, being evicted, ignoring calls from creditors who weren’t mine, and dealing with judgments. It felt good to finally have shared, but it still didn’t jar any solutions loose.
Wrinkles creased his brow. “You should have told us. We could have helped. You could probably borrow money from Ryan.”
Just the mention of that was enough to make me ill all over again. “No. Nuh-uh. I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“First of all, I can’t do that to our friendship. Even borrowing fifty bucks would hang over my head, and I’m so much further behind than that. Second, he hates me. Third, he’s not even here today. He didn’t get fired, did he?”
Seth let out a slow breath. “No, he didn’t get fired. He just decided he could take a day off since his schedule has cleared up recently. He called in sick.” He made air quotes around the word sick.
Relief coursed through me. At least he wasn’t unemployed.
But Seth wasn’t done. “Speaking of, though. He doesn’t hate you, but the fact you completely screwed him over is going to hang over your head a lot more than asking for a couple hundred bucks that I can almost guarantee he’d never want you to pay back.”
“I didn’t know that he was going to be fed to the Zedophap dogs like that.” All the rationalizations I’d told myself over the past few days rushed back, but they sounded weak now. Still, I pushed them out. “I tried to ask him about the issues, and he brushed me off. You were there.” Even to my own ears, I sounded more as if I was trying to convince myself than him.
“Three years ago, Ryan slept with Kitner’s wife at the company Christmas party.”
Whatever I had expected Seth to say, Ryan getting it on with the boss’s wife was nowhere on the list. If I’d counted out to one hundred, it might have landed somewhere around a serious, We’re KGB sleeper agents, and now I have to kill you because you know. Jealousy surged inside with the news, and I wasn’t sure how to react. “He never told me that.”
Seth raised an eyebrow. “You never told him your ex-husband bankrupted you.”
Touché. “But... I mean... I know he screws around, but an affair?”
“To be fair, she told him she was the new girl in accounting. He had no idea she was even married until he saw them arguing at the end of the party. And Kitner’s marriage was already on the rocks. That was just one of many catalysts.”
The story hit me hard, not because of the nature of it, though that was heavy too, but because it pointed out how little I knew about both of them. And I wanted to know more. Not just best friend stuff, but everything. “I didn’t
realize.”
“I know. You also probably had no idea Kitner is screwing your new business analyst. The one who took Ryan’s place on the Zedophap account.”
Shit. The pieces started to slide into place. Mark wanted a new job for his girlfriend; he made things up to make it happen. Except... “The config really was wrong. And I tried to ask Ryan about it and he brushed me off.”
Seth shrugged. “I wish you’d trusted him. I don’t know what happened, but he didn’t screw this up. You know that, right?”
Part of me did, and that was a large bit of what had me feeling so horrible. I’d let stress override common sense and friendship. “I have to apologize. You have to tell him to hear me out. Please?”
“I will. Anything you want.” His smile had a trace of sadness I didn’t understand. “Follow me home after work, and I’ll sit on him if I have to.”
The imagery made me giggle, and it released a load of tension, making my chest lighter. Nothing was solved, but life didn’t seem hopeless anymore. Even if Ryan forgave me, I still wasn’t asking to borrow money, but one step at a time.
Chapter Nine
I managed to make it through the rest of the workday on fifty percent concentration. I kept coming up with new variations on how I’d apologize to Ryan. Would he even hear me out?
And my mind kept drifting back to lunch. Why did something feel different talking to Seth? There was an odd kind of comfort, but at the same time a sadness I’d never felt from him before. I had to be projecting. Letting stress get to me. But I couldn’t get past the idea I was still missing so many pieces, both with him, and with the project at work.
That evening, I parked my car next to the curb in front of their house as Seth took his spot in the driveway. The nervous apprehension I’d been trying to fight all day surged forward with a vengeance as I followed him up the walk to the front door. When we pushed inside, Ryan was on the couch, Xbox controller in hand, entire body ducking and weaving with whatever he was playing. He looked up when the door creaked, and his grin faded when his eyes met mine.
He tossed the controller on the couch and stood. “I’ll be in my room.”
Seth stepped forward, but I pulled him back. This was my mistake. “Wait, please.” I tried to keep my voice firm, but a waver snuck in.
“What, Natasha?” At his use of my full name, something cracked in my chest. “You didn’t listen to me, why should I do any differently for you?”
My carefully crafted apology evaporated, and the words spilled out before I could consider them. “I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know. Based on what I saw, what was I supposed to think? And I shouldn’t have done it anyway, you deserve better than that. I just didn’t know what else to do. And I—”
“Stop.” The single word snapped through the room. “I can’t. You never realize. It doesn’t matter how obvious it is. How in your face it is, you don’t get it.”
Something told me we weren’t just talking about work anymore.
Seth stepped around me, crossing the room with rapid strides, and stopping nose to nose with Ryan. His voice was the same low, controlled tone he’d used earlier today, but with an angry roar lining it. “Don’t yell at her. She made a mistake, and she’s apologizing for it. But you... This last week has been a game for you. You’ve even said so. Your exact words. You’re using her affection for you. She’s wanted you since she met you, and it’s just a tumble to you.”
My words stuck in my throat. How did he know that? I always thought I’d hidden it so well. I should be humiliated that the truth was coming out now, but it felt good. I wanted Ryan to know. I just wished it was under different circumstances, and that it didn’t mean pushing Seth away in the process. Gods, please don’t let me lose Seth over this.
Ryan’s voice was low, but it carried through the entire room. There was no mistaking the threat in each emphasized word. “Walk away now.”
“Fuck you.” Seth’s calm vanished with his reply. “You don’t give a shit about her, not like I do. You don’t even care about me the way I do you. Now that this is all over, and you got off, you’ll move on.”
My brain hitched and stumbled over the words, and despite my trepidation, warmth spread inside at the realization. Had he just said...? He had. Seth cared about me. About Ryan. How had I not seen that? “I—”
Ryan held up a hand, never looking at me, but it was enough to silence me. He rested both palms on Seth’s cheeks and kissed him hard. One of them moaned—or maybe it was both of them. I expected to feel a pang of jealousy, but instead pure liquid heat filled my veins. Gods, that was hot. I wanted to be a part of the desire flowing between them as Seth traced the visible bulge of the erection straining against Ryan’s jeans.
Ryan finally broke the kiss. The anger in his tone had been replaced with breathlessness. “You’re wrong. I love you both so hard, and I don’t know what I’d do without either one of you.”
Love. The word bounced in my skull, feeling both terrifying and right at the same time. How had I never seen that? “I had no idea.” I clamped my jaw shut when two heads swiveled in my direction, and I realized I’d spoken out loud.
Ryan moved to stand in front of me, and nudged a curl off my forehead. “No kidding.” He nodded over his shoulder in Seth’s direction. “He wasn’t supposed to push this, either. We both agreed we wouldn’t pressure you. That if you made up your mind somewhere along the way, we were fine with it. But seriously, Tash. I’m tired of dancing around this.” He nipped my lower lip, and my chest almost burst. “I don’t want you to pick. I want you, and I want him. I’m selfish.”
The blood had rushed from my head, leaving me a little stupid, and incredibly turned on. “But you’re not...”
“Gay?” His mouth twisted in amusement, and he trailed a finger along the edge of my ear. “Nope. But you have to admit, Seth’s hot.”
“I’m not going to argue with that.”
“It took the two of you long enough,” Seth teased.
Ryan laughed, his attention still on me. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and Friday night kind of pushed me over the edge. Monday cemented it for me. But you still didn’t get it. I had to walk away. Get some distance from you. Figure out what I was going to do if you really weren’t interested.”
So that was why he hadn’t been talking to me? “I’m so interested. I thought you were mad about work.”
“I am. I’m furious.” His roaming hand fisted in my hair, and he yanked. “But I also get it. And we’ll deal with it.”
His kiss was as incredible as Seth’s had been the other morning, but in a very different direction. Instead of safety and security, this was heat, and want, and everything nasty I tried to pretend I didn’t dream about. Rough sex and handprints on my ass and sleepless nights I’d do again and again if I had the chance. He tugged my hair back, and his teeth lightly scraped along my throat. He bit into the fleshy, sensitive part of my neck, and sucked until I swore I might come just from the hickey. I shifted against him, and the friction built.
He finally pulled back, holding my head captive and looking me in the eye. “Mine.”
I had never wanted to be possessed before, and now it felt right. “Yours,” I repeated.
He grabbed my fingertips and tugged me toward the back of the house, where the bedrooms were. My pulse seared with flames under my skin, making my nipples ache against their prison. Damp need grew between my legs.
He sat on the edge of his bed and then let go of my hand. Confusion flitted in as he stared up at me with expectation.
“Take off your clothes,” Seth commanded from behind me. “Slow. A piece at a time. Every eye in the room is on you.”
Gods, the two of them were going to kill me, and I was going to die happy.
Chapter Ten
Bold mischievousness coursed through me, and I stepped out of Ryan’s reach. A glance over my shoulder told me Seth was near the doorway. I pushed a hint of teasing into my voice. “If I’m putting on a show, the
n that’s all it is. No touching.”
Ryan smirked. “We’ll see.”
My fingers glided down the front of my shirt, undoing each button along the way, but not pulling the sides apart. The two pairs of eyes on me lit my every nerve ending on fire. I moved to my skirt next, undoing it and letting it fall to the floor. Stepping out of it, I kicked that and my heels aside.
I stood in the middle of the room, shirt barely covering my panty-clad ass and hinting at what lay underneath in front. My pussy ached for attention, and my breasts strained against fabric, begging to be touched. Ryan’s hand drifted to his crotch, rubbing lightly through denim as his hungry eyes traced over my body.
Seth moaned, and I wondered if he was doing the same. I was too lost in my light striptease to look. I let my shirt slide to the ground, and moved my palms to my bra. I cupped each mound through the lace, squeezing enough to draw out my own sigh, but not sating the desire. I wanted more.
My fingers trailed down my stomach, past the top of my panties, and to my wet mound. I slid the crotch aside enough to give a peek and stroked my slit lightly. My eyes closed at my own touch. It still wasn’t what I wanted, but knowing the impact it was having on both men made me lightheaded.
I was so lost in the moment, my heart jumped when Seth grabbed me from behind. “Another day.” His voice was low. I leaned back, and his bare skin met mine. When had his clothes come off? I wanted to spin and take him in, but he held me captive. He shoved up the bottom of my bra, and the rough elastic bit into my skin.
I whimpered for more and he obliged, lips tracing light lines along the back of my neck while he caressed my skin. He kissed along my ear. “Don’t get me wrong, I like watching.” He trailed his tongue over my skin. “But sometimes, I want to participate. I need to know what it feels like to be inside you.”
“Me too.”
He stripped off the remainder of my clothes and moved in front of me. Ryan stood, putting him only a few inches from Seth. The two stared each other down, and the seconds ticked away. Ryan’s hand glided down Seth’s chest and wrapped around his sheathed cock. He kissed Seth hard, a hungry snarl rising between them, and pulled back again just as abruptly.
Roll Against Trust (3d20, #1) Page 5
