Her lips parted. “What? Vince said that? When?”
“It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head, determination crowding his brow. “Al that matters is that you believe I’m not going to let your brother stand between me and my family.”
She took a step back. “You and Conner.”
“What?”
“Stand between you and Conner.”
“Yeah. That’s what I said.”
No. That hadn’t been what he’d said. This wasn’t about family. It was about him spending time with Conner and having sex with her. It wasn’t about her fal ing in love and hoping for things that weren’t going to happen. It wasn’t about being a part of a beautiful wedding and a white-picket-fences and happily-ever-afters.
She moved into the living room, her thoughts a speeding mess. It wasn’t about eating dinner and Conner doing homework with his dad. What was she doing? And what if Vince found out she was sleeping with Sam? He’d blow a gasket, and she wasn’t so sure he had many more to blow. She was confused and raw and didn’t want to think about it. Not then. The next day, when Sam was gone, and she could think. “Why did you hate the man in your sister’s life?” she asked.
“Because he was a control ing son of a bitch.”
She moved to the big picture window and looked down at Sam’s red truck in the driveway. If they were real y a family, it would be in the garage. Next to her Subaru. “What happened?”
He was silent for so long she didn’t think he was going to answer. She glanced over at him, standing in the middle of the room. A tal powerful man, a deep furrow pul ing his brows together over his blue eyes. “He kil ed her.” He looked away. “When she final y got the nerve to leave him, he hunted her down and shot her.”
Her heart dropped, and she turned to face him. In an instant, her own thoughts forgotten. “Sam.”
“I was across the country enjoying my life. Living in Toronto, then—” He shrugged and glanced back at her. “Then my life stopped.”
Without thinking about it, she moved toward him. “When did she die?”
“June 13.”
The date was not lost on Autumn, and she recal ed his mentioning something about his sister’s death in Vegas years ago.
“She was young and smart and beautiful and had a wonderful life planned for herself. She wanted to teach little kids.” He paused and shrugged a shoulder. “Instead, we had to plan a funeral and box up her stuff.”
Without thinking, Autumn wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her cheek against his heart. “I know what it’s like to put a person’s whole life into boxes. I’m sorry.”
He was so stiff, like stone covered in warm skin. “She was my little sister, and I was supposed to take care of her. Our dad died when she was ten, and she depended on me. I helped her with her homework and bought her first prom dress. I was supposed to keep her safe. I didn’t.”
She’d never known any of that. She’d known his sister had died, but not the details. “It wasn’t your fault, Sam.”
“I know that now, but I felt so guilty and pissed off for so long.” He raised a hand to the top of her head and slid his fingers down the back of her hair. She felt his muscles relax a bit. “I stil feel El a’s loss. I stil get pissed about it, but I don’t take it out on myself or anyone else so much these days.”
She listened to the heavy thud of his heart and turned her face to press her lips into his chest. She’d always thought Sam was superficial. Interested in momentary pleasure, and he was, but there was also something deeper behind his blue eyes. Something he liked to keep hidden. The boy who’d fil ed his father’s shoes and the disciplined man who’d worked hard to reach his goals lay beneath that charming smile.
“For years after that,” he continued, “I did some reckless, reckless things. You were part of that reckless fal out.”
She looked up into his face, at his strong jaw so tight.
“There are things in my life I regret. That I’m ashamed of. Probably not as many as I should be.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “But I regret Vegas.”
So did she. Funny thing was, not as much as she had a few months ago.
“Not that I met you. I can’t regret that, or I wouldn’t have Conner, but I do regret that I married you in a ceremony that I largely don’t remember. I regret that I hurt you. I regret that I didn’t act like a man. That I left you in a hotel without a word. With nothing but a marriage certificate and a stuffed dog. I regret that a lot. I feel a lot of guilt and embarrassment about that.” He pressed his forehead into hers. “I’m sorry, Autumn. I’m sorry I left you alone at Caesars.”
For the first time since she’d met him, he uttered the s-word. For the first time since she’d pieced her heart back together, she felt a smal tug at one of the strings. She dropped her hands to her sides and took a step back. The one word she’d waited to hear could destroy her careful y reconstructed life.
“Don’t.” Don’t make me forget. Don’t make it better. Don’t make me love you again. “I don’t want to like you that much.”
“You already like me that much.” A smile worked one corner of his lips. “I think lunch in your office today showed how much you like me.”
“That was sex. That’s al .” She shook her head and raised a hand as if to stop him. “No attachments.”
He dipped his head to look into her eyes. His smile gone. “You don’t think you can get past what happened in Vegas, do you?”
Could she? “I don’t know. I’m not very good at the whole ‘forgive and forget’ thing.” And if she did forgive and forget, what kind of fool would she be if it happened again? When it happened again? Sam was a hockey star. His life was huge. Hers wasn’t. “That was a time in my life I try not to think about.”
Impossible as it was sometimes.
“Tel me about it.”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t help but think about it, and I need to hear about it as much as you need to tel me.” He reached for her. “Because I’ve always wondered.”
She stepped back, and his hands fel to his sides. He’d wondered? He’d wondered, but he’d never thought to pick up the phone and ask? “I was scared, Sam.” She pushed her hair behind her ears. “I was scared and pregnant by a guy I didn’t even know. It should have been the happiest time of my life, but it wasn’t. Every child deserves parents who are ecstatic. Conner didn’t have that.
“While other women were going to baby classes with their husbands, I was getting divorced. What’s there to say beyond that?” Evidently a lot because the rest just poured out. “My mom had died a few months before, and Vince was off in Iraq or Afghanistan or South Korea or wherever. I hadn’t seen my dad in about ten years, and I was al alone. Sick as a dog and al alone. I didn’t have anyone. I didn’t know how I was going to support myself or my baby. You’re a man, so you’l never understand that kind of fear.” She moved to the coffee table and straightened Conner’s papers. “I didn’t understand why any of it happened. I didn’t understand how I’d gotten myself into such a foolish position.” She fussed with his pencils. “And I didn’t know why you’d married me and dumped me. It was a very bad time in my life and I was”—she bent down to pick up crayons and pencils—“scared.”
Sam watched Autumn fuss over Conner’s schoolwork. Emotion flushed her smooth white cheeks and wrinkled her forehead. He’d hurt her. He’d always known that, of course. He’d just never known what to do about it. Until now.
“I real y didn’t understand any of it either.” But he was beginning to. His instant attraction. The intensity of it al . He was beginning to understand that maybe, just maybe he’d fal en for a girl in a crowded bar. A girl he didn’t know, at a time in his life that was fil ed with crazy chaos. That maybe his heart had real y shitty timing.
Every coach he’d ever played for, every captain he’d ever played with, had al told him the same thing: “You never learn the first time. You always have to get hit twice before you see it coming.” He was s
eeing now what he’d seen that first night at Pure. A bright shiny light he wanted to catch in his hands and hold forever. If she let him.
“Wel , if it’s any consolation,” he said, “you’ve always scared the shit out of me.”
She looked up at him out of the corners of her green eyes. “Right.”
“It’s true. You’re so sure of yourself, and you don’t take crap from nobody. That’s kind of intimidating.” This time when he reached for her, she let him take her hands. “You’re a good mother and you run your own business. You could sit back and live off the money you get for Conner. Other women might, but you don’t. You work real y hard.” He’d always admired that about her. “You should be proud of yourself.”
“You think I’m a good mom?”
“Of course. I couldn’t ask for a better mother for my son.” He smiled to lighten the mood. “And I’m not just saying that to get laid.”
She bit her bottom lip. “Thanks.”
“Thank you.” Then he thanked her the only way he knew how. He took her to her room and undressed her. He pushed her down on the bed and covered her body in kisses. He made love to her, and as he slid into her body, it felt like coming home after weeks on the road. Like he wanted to stay there forever.
He placed his hands on the sides of her head, and whispered into one ear, “Let me love you, Autumn.”
“Yes,” she said as she arched and met his thrusts. “Don’t stop, Sam.”
They were talking about different things, and for the first time in his life, he understood the difference between great sex and making love. For the first time in his life, Sam wanted more from a woman than she wanted from him.
Later, she lay in his arms, in the warmth of her bed and soft glow of good sex and two smal lamps. With her back pressed into his chest, he ran his hand down her smooth arm to her wrist.
“You covered my name with wings.” He raised her hand and kissed her pulse. “Does that mean you think I’m an angel?”
She laughed. “A dark angel from hel .”
“When did you get my name tattooed over?”
“A few weeks after I delivered Conner.”
“Ouch.” He winced. “That soon? I at least waited.”
She glanced over her shoulder at him. “How long?”
“A few months after.”
She turned on her back and looked at him. Within the soft light, her beautiful green gaze met his. “Every person I’ve ever known who has had someone’s name tattooed on them has lived to regret it.”
“It wasn’t one of my better drunken ideas.” He smiled and rested his hand on her bare stomach. “It’s right up there with the Hound Dog wedding and that Cher concert.”
She laughed, a lush sound of pure pleasure. “Cher wasn’t as painful.”
“Says you.”
“How would you even know? You slept through it, and we left early.”
Maybe that’s why he didn’t recal the actual concert. He’d always blamed it on the booze and mental self-preservation. “Wel , the good news is that Cher’s had about five ‘farewel ’ tours since. Barbra, too.”
She grinned. “Are you volunteering to go to a Barbra Streisand concert?”
Hel no. He’d rather get a puck shot in his nuts. Wait… “What would you give me?”
“A ONE NIGHT WITH BABS T-shirt. You could keep it in a drawer next to that Cher BELIEVE T-shirt you got married in.” She turned on her side to face him and a smile shone in her eyes. “Or you could wear it when you go out with your buddies.”
He didn’t do that so much anymore and real y didn’t miss it. He’d much rather be there, with his family, in Autumn’s bed in her split-level house with bad wal paper and old carpet.
His family. He wasn’t sure when he’d started to see them as a family, maybe in Moclips, but it felt right to him.
“The guys would probably stage an intervention and kick my ass. Instead, maybe you and I and Conner can go tour some castles in Germany this summer.”
Her brows lowered. “ ‘Old stone buildings?’ ”
“Sure.” He’d much prefer white sandy beaches and Autumn in a bikini, but what the hel ? “If that’s what you and Conner real y want to do.”
“Don’t you spend your summers in Cancún with the guys?”
“I’d rather spend time with you and Conner than on a boat with girls in bikinis.” When had that happened? “Who needs girls in bikinis?”
“You.”
He slid his hand down her hip. “I just need you in a bikini. Al that white skin in need of sunscreen and someone to rub on it on you.”
“That got us in trouble in Vegas.”
“I remember. I remember how beautiful you looked.” He softly bit her shoulder and tasted her skin. “You’re more beautiful now. Even in the morning.”
“You don’t know what I look like in the morning.”
“Yes I do. You looked real y hot in those wiener-dog jammies in Moclips.”
She laughed as if he were joking. “There you go again, trying to charm me into fal ing in love with you.”
“What if I fal in love with you?” His hand slid up and cupped her breast.
Her gaze met his. “You won’t.”
He didn’t like the way she said it. As if it wasn’t possible. As if he wasn’t capable of fal ing in love with a woman. As if he wasn’t capable of loving her.
Chapter Sixteen
Any Man of Mine:
Is Observant
Even before Autumn opened her eyes, she knew he was gone. Of course he was. He had a game in New Jersey, and he wouldn’t be home for five days. She touched the indent his head had left in her pil ow.
What if I fall in love with you? Last night hadn’t been the first time he’d mentioned love. He’d said the same thing earlier in her office. The first time, she’d just thought he was saying it because she’d had her hand down his pants. The second time because he’d had his hand on her breast. Men couldn’t be trusted during sex and were likely to say anything.
Autumn sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She hurriedly pul ed on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt so Conner wouldn’t catch her stark naked in bed.
Five years ago, Sam had married her and never mentioned love. Never even hinted at it, and she’d just assumed he’d loved her. Look where that had gotten her.
She glanced at her bedside clock, then walked across the hal to Conner’s room. He lay on his side, his arms stretched out, and his eyes were already open. “Get up, lazy.” Conner would start Christmas vacation next week, but of course he wouldn’t think of sleeping in. Which meant she wouldn’t get to sleep in either.
He sat up in his new sailboat bedding and his Handy Manny pajamas. She wondered how much longer he’d like Manny. How much longer until Manny went the same way as Barney. “Can I have heart pancakes?” he asked.
“Yes.” She smiled. He was stil her boy. For a while yet anyway. “Yes, you can.”
For the next five days, Autumn fel into her normal routine. Only it didn’t feel so normal. Not without Sam, and she felt uneasy about how quickly that had al changed. During the day, she tried not to think about him, and at night when he cal ed, she tried to ignore the heated rush warming her skin and pul ing at her heart. At the sound of his voice, she bit her lip to keep from smiling.
Friday night, he returned home. To her home, like they were a family. “How was your day, honey?” he asked as he slid into bed. She talked to him about the Ross twins and their latest wants and needs for their July wedding. She told him about Chelsea’s breast reduction surgery scheduled for the next week.
“Ah. That’s why Mark is taking a few weeks off.” He lifted her hand and looked at her fingers. “Although I don’t know why she’d want to do something like that.”
“Probably because of backaches.”
“I hadn’t thought of that.” He looked at her, his blue eyes serious. “You’d never do something like that. Right?”
She didn’t have double D�
��s, so she didn’t have to worry about it. “No.”
“Good. I like you just the way you are.” When he said sweet things like that, she could almost forget that he was a self-indulgent jock who spent most of his time in a locker room.
“I have a weird little toe,” she felt compel ed to point out.
“That’s okay, honey. Your rack makes up for it. You have a great rack, and I don’t think that makes me a perv. Just observant.”
She laughed because he was total y serious.
Two nights later, she and Conner went to his game against the Carolina Hurricanes. They wore Chinook T-shirts and bought hot dogs and Cokes and tried not to cringe when Sam got knocked around or put the “big hurt” on someone. He skated up and down the ice, passing the puck or firing so fast Autumn lost track of it altogether. She noticed that he talked a lot out on the ice, and she was sure she was better off not knowing what he said. Especial y when he had to sit out four minutes in the penalty box.
“That player there”—Conner pointed to a Carolina player—“is crashing Dad’s zone. He’s not going to like that.”
Autumn real y didn’t have a clue what her son was talking about until Sam slammed the player into the boards and the Plexiglas shook. Autumn gasped as he dug at the puck with his stick and shot it down ice. He looked up, sweat dripping down his nose. For one brief second, his gaze met hers, and he smiled.
Suddenly she knew how that Carolina player felt. Like she was getting slammed around. Like he was putting the “big hurt” on her, only she liked it and wanted more.
Her chest got kind of tight and panicky. She had to pul back. She didn’t trust Sam. She didn’t trust herself. Like before, everything was moving too fast. And this time, if and when it ended, she wasn’t the only one who would suffer.
And yet, that night he came to her house like he belonged there. He said good night to Conner, then moved into the kitchen. “Do you have any frozen peas in here?” he asked as he opened the freezer.
He wore black sweatpants, a blue Chinooks T-shirt, and a big red mark on his cheek. “Mixed veggie medley.”
Any Man Of Mine hs-6 Page 20
