I get to my feet and sling my backpack over my shoulder. I walk to Arleen, who is now tugging at her lip and looking at me through her lashes.
“If you’d prefer to do this solo, I’ll understand. But I already asked Ka... Miss Shields, and she refused. So if you’d rather work alone, you’ll have to tell her yourself.” I sit down across from her, slowly rummaging for a pen in my backpack, waiting for Arleen’s response. After I’ve removed my notebook and opened it—still without her reply—I look up and my eyes meet hers.
“Don’t be upset with me, please,” she whispers.
“Nope! Not upset at all. Just want to get this over with,” I say indifferently.
She swallows and I can see the remorse in her posture. “Do you want to work alone?” she asks.
“I don’t give a shit. Do what you want to do.”
She furrows her brow. “Why are you such a douche?”
I throw my hands up in frustration and grit my teeth. “How am I being a douche? You’re the one who hasn’t spoken to me since we spent the night together. You’re the one who didn’t try to contact me. You’re the one who didn’t give a shit it was me you were with as long as it was someone!” I realize I’m shouting by the time I get to the last sentence, and look around the room. Twenty-eight pairs of eyes are on me—along with Miss Shields’s.
And I realize I just sounded like a little bitch. Or worse, a jilted boyfriend.
So much for keeping my cool.
Miss Shields narrows her eyes at me and her tongue is poking into her cheek. She looks at Arleen, then back again to me, and I know she knows something is going on between us.
Fuck it. I don’t care who knows.
I crack my neck and give the room a tight smile as the whispers begin.
“May I speak to you outside for a minute?” I request quietly.
Arleen nods and falls in line behind me as I march to the front doors of the school.
“This isn’t going to happen,” I snarl once we’re outside.
She nods, not arguing, keeping her head down like I’m scolding her.
“You just had to do this now! You had to come into my life when everything was fine! I was absolutely perfect! And now you’ve gone and thrown a wrench into my entire existence!”
She continues to nod, refusing to look at me. Thank God she hasn’t started crying yet.
“Do you know how many hours I’ve wasted thinking about you? Do you have any idea how much I’ve worried about you? How much of a shit I give? And…” I pause, seeing her chin quiver at my tone. “…how badly it kills me right now to see how much you want to cry.” My shoulders relax and I want to touch her so badly it hurts.
She straightens her back, her jaw tightening. It pisses me off. Because I love that steely resolve of hers. I love how strong she really is even when she doesn’t think she is. I sort of love every damn thing about her.
Fuck! I meant like! I totally meant like!
“I don’t want you to be mad at me. I didn’t come to the ruins this weekend because Matthew got sick and I don’t trust the staff at the home to take care of him.”
“Haven’t you ever heard of Facebook or Twitter or the goddamned telephone?”
I don’t even want her to answer, because I’m running out of reasons to be mad at her. And I needed my anger. Because without it, I’d only be left with the love.
I’m not even going to bother with correcting myself this time. I know what I meant.
“You’re running out of reasons to be mad at me, aren’t you?” She smirks.
Fuck.
“Simon? Arleen?” The voice comes from behind me. Miss Shields is standing at the front doors, a strange look on her face.
“We’ll talk about this later, Arleen,” I say quietly and walk back into the school.
Back in the library, I sit back down at the table and stare at the wall, refusing to look at her when she takes her seat across from me. I think about all the things I want to be mad at her for. I think about Miss Shields and how long I’ve wanted her. I think about Arleen and how since she came into my life all the things I used to want now seem trivial and insignificant—Katie Shields included. And all the while, Arleen doesn’t speak a word. She merely sits across from me reading a damn book.
We sit silently until the research session is long over and we’re the only two left in the library. I continue to stare, but she still hasn’t said a word.
“Quit looking at me like that,” she says without looking up.
I tap my foot on the floor and my temper flares again. I open my mouth to speak, but she cuts me off.
“I’ve heard the big speech already, Simon. When you’re done convincing yourself of all the reasons you want to hate me, let me know. The only reason you’re mad right now is because you care about me. Plain and simple. And what kills you is that I’m not beautiful enough. I’m not easy enough. And I’m not stupid enough to fall for all the tricks you’ve used on them. Do you know what they say about you? Do you have any idea the stories I’ve heard?” She shakes her head. “You’re pissed because with me, you know you’re going to actually have to work at it. You’re pissed because you finally realize what it’s like to be in their shoes.” She stands, taking a breath, and begins filling her backpack with books.
Before I can address any of the things she’s said, she walks away, leaving me alone. I throw my books into my bag and follow her. The only thought I can seem to conjure is that there’s no way I can let her leave here tonight thinking she isn’t beautiful.
The sun is down now, but the parking lot lights are glowing. Her pace is so fast that I have to jog to reach her side. “Been planning to unload all that on me for a while?” I ask, out of breath.
“Leave me alone, Simon. I’m not planning to be another notch on your belt. So I guess we don’t have anything more to say to each other.”
I grab her shoulders, pulling her to a stop, and look into her eyes. The light from the lampposts makes the golden flecks in her eyes sparkle. You know, if I paid attention to that sort of pussy shit.
My thumb catches a strand of her hair, and as a few short seconds lapse, I realize I’m smoothing her hair between my thumb and her shoulder like an idiot.
I shake my head and grip her harder. “Arleen, I have no desire to fuck you!” My eyes shut as soon as the words come out. Well, that certainly clarifies everything. I’m sure she’s going to walk away feeling really great about herself now.
She clenches her teeth and goes rigid beneath my hands. I can tell she wants to yell at me. Or cry. Or both.
“That’s not what I meant. Of course I want to. I mean…” I shake my head again, and with a frustrated groan, I add, “You make me stupid!”
“Simon. You really need to work on your compliments, because you suck at them.” She sniffs and cracks a smile.
“I don’t know what’s going on, Arleen. I’m confused.” I take a step closer to her and wipe a tear from her cheek. “What I know is that I haven’t felt this good in a while. I don’t even remember a time I felt this good. You make me feel…” I hesitate, and I can’t seem to find the right word. I know what I should say, but I search for the word I truly mean. “You make me feel like a kid again.”
A small smile lights up her face. “You are a kid, Simon. Just like me.”
“I know. But I haven’t felt like one for years.”
Her head dips down. “I know what you mean.” She grabs my hand and holds it in hers, her fingers leaving an electric trail behind as she soothes my knuckles.
My heart races, my spine tingles, and goose bumps break out over my body.
The girl standing in front of me is something precious—a gift—and I have no intention of taking advantage of her. My whole life I’ve thought I was different: a guy who had no emotion, no heart, and wasn’t capable of opening up to anyone. I’ve never felt that elusive ‘jolt’ I’ve heard about—when you’re about to kiss a girl for the first time and you just know it’s right. All m
y life I’ve wanted it, but never thought it was something I’d experience.
In this moment I know that if I don’t kiss her, I’ll be missing out on so much more than a random fuck. This kind of girl could change a guy.
Forever.
And even though the teenager inside of me wants to rip her clothes off and rub my dick all over those gorgeous tits, I know deep down that sex with Arleen isn’t something I want to rush into.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
“Can I tell you something?” she asks in a whisper.
“Anything.”
She pauses and worry creases her brow. “You scare me.”
“Why?” I ask, even though I think that I already know the answer.
She hesitates and scratches her head. “They’ve all warned me. All the girls on the debate team.”
I nod. Yep. I figured that was where she was going.
“They all say you’re going to use me. They say I’m ‘next.’ And I’ve been keeping you at a distance because of it. Your name is scribbled on bathroom stalls across this school. They’ve all said you can’t keep your dick in your pants and that you have no heart, no conscience—”
“Arleen,” I interrupt her, but I don’t know how to reassure her that she’s different. “It’s all true.” Guilt churns in my stomach. “I’m a prick. And I don’t know how I could even begin to convince you that with you I won’t be like that.” I swallow and lean into her. “I want to tell you that this is genuine. That for the first time in my life, this is real. But it’s all going to sound like some line or speech I’ve given to them all.”
A deep furrow pinches her brow. “Have there really been that many?” She looks mildly disgusted.
I contemplate her question. If I were thirty years old, no. But I’m not. I’m only eighteen.
“More than there should’ve been,” I admit, feeling ashamed for the first time.
She nods and takes a step back. “I should go.”
No. Wait. Come back.
Please.
They didn’t mean anything.
Oh my God, I’m such a dick.
Because they didn’t mean anything.
“Arleen!” I call as she walks to a car in the parking lot.
“I put my phone number in your backpack. Call me about scheduling time to rehearse for the Saint Louis debate,” she calls back, just before hopping in her car and driving away.
I’m left standing alone. In all of the regrets I’ve had—which weren’t many, until today—I know deep down that I’ll always regret this.
The moment that the girl I wanted found out the truth and I was powerless to stop it. Everything I am is a disgrace. Everything I’ve done in my life has been a mistake. Every choice I’ve made and every girl I’ve been with has cost me Arleen.
And I have no idea how to get her back.
Chapter Eighteen
Number One: My First
May 1, 2013 (Seventeen months ago)
I wasn’t ready for it. It shouldn’t have happened.
I was only sixteen. While everyone in my school had their faces glued to their phones, laughing and interacting with one another, I couldn’t even say I’d had a friend since Cub Scouts. Yet there I was, lying naked on a bed with a girl from debate. Peggy.
Peggy was a senior, and I was a sophomore. She had quite the reputation, and I thought it would be a good idea to learn some things from someone who had experience.
“Don’t be scared, Simon,” Peggy began. ”Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted this moment?” she whispered. “I’m just as nervous as you are right now. So whatever you’ve heard about me or think of my reputation, I can assure you: I don’t do this all the time.”
It was convincing enough. I knew she was just a stepping stone to my future, but after the two short minutes it took for me to finish, I felt even worse about myself after I’d left. Not only did I not get her off, but I realized that I felt empty, bitter, and like I didn’t have anyone in the world.
And as much as I thought I’d feel close to her, close to someone, after we’d shared something like that together, I only felt completely isolated as I walked out of her house…alone.
I just wanted to go home and talk to my mom about stuff. But she wasn’t there. She and Dad were in Australia that month.
I missed them.
Instead of going home that night to an empty house, I went to the old church ruins that Dad and I had gone to when we needed shelter from the storm all those years ago.
I lay there for hours until I fell asleep, hoping that someday I could bring someone special to that place and share with her the magic I always felt whenever I returned.
Chapter Nineteen
My horrible past behavior has been weighing me down. I think about it nonstop. In the halls at school, a feeling of dread crashes through me when I see the girls I’ve used. Every one of them glare, their pain and angst cuts right through me.
I’ve played with them all. I’ve used them as some kind of deranged sexual experiment for the end goal of…what? To get lucky with Miss Shields? I’m disgusting.
For a few minutes every day, I have to laugh. It’s a maniacal laugh when I catch myself thinking This can’t be my life.
How I ever thought that this was normal is beyond logic now. I’m sure the Feminists would have a field day with the amount of self-deprecation I’ve had the past few days.
Arleen doesn’t speak to me. At all. She gave me her number—had slipped it into my backpack before I confessed to her about my past—but to be honest, I feel like I’d need to say things I wasn’t sure how to find the words for.
I just need some more time.
Unfortunately, Saint Louis is next week. If we’re going to have any chance of winning, I’m going to need to speak to her. To see her.
Oh God.
A moment of clarity comes, and I realize what I need to do: I need to apologize. Not to Arleen, but to all nine of the girls from my sexual past.
It had been so easy to dismiss them as nothing. I was selfish and arrogant. I know that the only way to truly make amends is if I suck it up and admit that I was wrong. It’ll be hard, but it’s the only way.
Once I arrive home, I race up the steps and into my room. I pull up the Excel spreadsheet with all the girls’ names. I cringe as I read the nicknames I have given them. By associating them with something like a car, I really had dehumanized them. I had dehumanized me.
Jesus, I suck.
I take a deep breath, mentally prepare myself for the ass chewing of my life, and I start calling.
But an apology over the phone isn’t enough, so I make arrangements with as many as I can to meet in person over the next few days. Some don’t answer their phones, and one number has been disconnected. But overall, I’ve scheduled times and locations for six—the first being with Andrea, the Volkswagen, in the library before school tomorrow.
***
“Motherfucker!” Andrea says, and I feel the stinging slap across my cheek.
I nod and look around the library. I’m certain I have five more slaps to come today. My poor face will need an icepack.
“I deserve it,” I say resignedly. And I know I do. Hell, I didn’t even try to dodge her.
“Do you have any idea what you put me through?” she yells.
And I feel it. I really do. I think about what I would have felt if Arleen had done this to me, and I cringe. I would be crushed. I’d want to cry like a little bitch.
Have I mentioned that I suck?
I keep my eyes on hers as she spews her hostility toward me. And I get it. She deserves an apology, and she deserved better than what I did to her.
But I’m stuck. If I tell her she deserves better, I won’t just sound like a groveling asshole, I’ll sound like I’m doing whatever I can to placate her—another go-to speech.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, going for the apology anyway. I think about covering my testicles with my hands, casting a wary glance at Andrea
’s clawed fingers, worried they’ll make mincemeat of my boys.
“I was only thinking of myself. And please believe me when I tell you that the person I was isn’t the person I am today.”
“I don’t care, Simon. This isn’t about you and your conscience. Whatever epiphany you’ve had in the last few days isn’t going to change the way you’ve treated me or the others.”
I stay silent, because I know that she has more she wants to get off her chest, and anything I say or do right now could be detrimental. I want her walking away knowing that I’m sincerely regretful.
And I’d like to walk away with all appendages in good working order.
“Look, it’s been over a month, and I can say that I’m better now. But you have no idea what you did to me. I’m a good person, Simon. I’m a good student and good friend. Those are things you never cared about because you never got to know me. You didn’t give a shit. But I gave you the most sacred part of me! I gave you my virginity! Do you know how big of a deal that is? I’m Catholic, Simon!”
Well hell, I hadn’t been expecting that.
I take a deep breath and try to find words that won’t hurt her. “Andrea. You’re right. And I’d be lying to you if I said it meant the same to me as it did to you. I’m not going to insult you even more by telling you that I completely understand. Because I don’t. All I can do is apologize for what I’ve done and try to get you to believe me.”
I rake my hand through my hair and continue. “I was in a bad place. I’ve always been in a bad place. And what I did to you is inexcusable and cruel. What I did makes me a horrible person. But please understand that I’m trying to change that. I want you to know that you deserve to be treated better than I treated you. You deserve someone who’s going to love you for all that you are. If I was even half a man, I would’ve recognized that sooner. What I did was wrong. Period. And if you have to spend another six months hating me, you have that right. I’m certainly not going to tell you your reasons aren’t justified. Do what you have to do, and I’ll just hope that someday you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.”
Four Play: A Collection of Novellas Page 12
