by Aubry, A
“Julianna,” he said, out of breath.
“Bo! Is this a fan of yours too?” Victoria said, her voice just a little too high pitched for my liking.
“Oh, hey Victoria. No, this isn’t a fan. I mean, yes she is a fan, but she’s more than that,” Bo rambled.
Wow, nice save.
“This is your girlfriend then! How cute!” She squealed.
“I’m not his girlfriend,” I found myself saying.
“Oh, then how do you know Finn and Bo?”
I looked at Finn who avoided my gaze, “I’m Finn’s wife.”
“Oh…shit.”
Pursing my lips, I waited for Finn to say something. I waited for anybody to say anything. But apparently nobody wanted to speak. Fine, I guess I would have to say something.
“Calvin sure looks different from the last time I met him, sweetheart,” I spit.
“Jules, I can explain,” he started.
“No. You don’t get to call me Jules anymore, Finn. That name is reserved for my friends and the people who care about me,” I crossed my arms over my chest.
Yes, that was probably childish to say but he pissed me off. He was cheating on me right in front of me and I was too naïve to know. At least when I caught Michael cheating on me, it was easy to tell. Finn was an expert at keeping secrets apparently.
“I have been at home alone with our son until the wee hours of the morning for the last two months because of this slut?” I blurted out.
“Hey!” Victoria interrupted, and I looked at her with a look that could kill.
“I wanted to go out with you tonight to spend some time with you and you said you were with your friends. I wanted to get dressed up like this with you, have a quiet dinner with just the two of us, and you chose to leave me at home with Leo to meet with her.”
I took a deep breath.
“I knew something was going on, you’ve been different the last two months. You were good at hiding it though, keeping up the rouse that you wanted to have sex with me. You are exactly like your father, you do know that, right? Your five-month-old son is at home right now, sleeping in his crib, and you are out with another woman. Cheating on his mother for the last two months of his life.”
He reached out for me, but I pulled away.
“You spent our entire relationship telling me you loved me, telling me how beautiful I am because of how I was treated by Michael. Now, by the looks of this, all your hard work just went down the toilet. You never thought I was beautiful, you just wanted to sleep with me. Then I guess we just got in too deep.”
A tear fell down my cheek, but I hastily wiped it away.
“You said you married me because you almost lost me once thanks to Michael attacking me. But now all you have to blame is yourself for really losing me this time.”
I took off my rings, slamming them down on the table, “I don’t want you anywhere near me or my son. We will be out of the house after his afternoon nap tomorrow until his dinner time. You will come to the house during that period of time and collect what you will need for your away game. Your point of contact to get to me is through Bo and Angie. They will set up a time and day for you to get your shit and get the fuck out of my house.”
My hand shook as I lifted it away from my rings which now sat on the table, “I hope you have a great life, Finn Walker McAllister. Because you just lost two of the people who loved you more than life itself.”
Turning on my heel, I stalked out of the bar, only stopping once I was outside in the warm summer air. Bo quickly joined me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as we started walking away.
“Julianna!” Finn’s voice called out from behind us.
Bo looked over his shoulder, “Just give it up, Finn. It’s too late.”
Silence greeted Bo’s reply. He led me to the parking structure and to where he had parked his car. I couldn’t even bring myself to look out the window for fear that I would see Finn again. Bo was right, it was too late. It had been two months, I should have noticed something sooner. I should have searched through his things sooner. But, like the naïve girl that I was, I believed that Finn would never do that to me…that he loved me like he said he did. For over a year he had tried to fix me from the damage that Michael had caused…now he had broken me all over again.
When Bo and I returned to the house, I told him and Angie that it was okay to leave. I had only wanted to be alone with my son because from here on out, it was us against the world. Angie and Bo said their goodbyes and I locked the door behind them. Dragging myself up to the master bathroom that was attached to our room, I wiped off the makeup that Angie had caked on and put my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head.
I changed out of the dress that I had bought to impress my husband, leaving it on the floor, and put on a pair of baggy pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt. Taking my pillow and the comforter off the bed, I went into the nursery where my beautiful baby boy was sound asleep. I set up my bed on the large rug beside his crib and locked the bedroom door in case Finn tried to make an appearance. Leo started to fuss in his crib, not fully waking up. I gently lifted him from the crib and went to rock him in the oversized glider that we had bought for his room. As I rocked him, I gently kissed his forehead.
“It’s just you and me, Leo. I will always protect you, for as long as I live.”
The birds that were chirping in the tree outside the window were starting to piss me off. Didn’t they know that today would not be a great day? That today was the first day of my separation from the only man that I ever truly loved? It was too soon to rush off to the courthouse to file for a divorce. A lot of times, the courts wanted you to try to work it out, for the sake of the child, but we weren’t going to work out. Once a cheater, always a cheater…right?
I sat up from my makeshift bed and rubbed my eyes. Leo would be waking up soon and then we would be up and running from then until naptime. Afterwards, I planned on taking him to the free zoo that was in Saint Paul. The large Minnesota Zoo might be a little too overwhelming for him at this age, so a small free zoo would be perfect. Standing up, I started walking to the door. I would have just enough time to go to the bathroom before Leo would be his usual spitfire self in the morning.
As I turned the handle, I heard a crunch below my foot. I reached down and picked up a piece of paper that had been shoved under the door. Finn’s handwriting was scribbled on the paper, I only knew it was his because I had been with the man for over a year. Hell, I could have told you it was his, a month after we started dating.
Julianna- I’m sorry for the pain that I have caused you and our small family. You don’t understand, I need to explain. Please call me so we can talk. I need you and Leo in my life. Love, Finn.
I crumpled up the note in my hand before immediately smoothing it out again. No, I didn’t want to let him back in. I had spent most of the night trying to close off my heart to him. But at the same time, I knew that I loved him, that this was the most difficult thing that I had ever experienced. Taking a calming breath, I went to the bathroom and got back just in time as Leo woke up. Day one of single-parenthood. Let the games begin.
Chapter Eighteen
It had been one month since Finn and I had separated. Well, more specifically, since I kicked him out of our house and he had to live month to month at a fully furnished apartment of his choosing. A week or two after I caught Finn cheating on me, I felt bad about keeping Leo from his father. I grew up never really having a connection with my biological father and neither did Finn. The only difference between Finn and his father was that Finn wanted to be a part of Leo’s life.
Bo would tell me that Finn was asking to see Leo. I told Bo to tell him that once he secured a place to stay, I would let him take Leo for the weekend that he didn’t have an away game or for a few days during the week if he had to travel. That was when Bo and Angie said it was difficult to communicate exactly what one of us said to the other about our son. So, I caved and told Finn that he could tex
t me, if, and only if, it pertained to our son.
There had been a few nights of drunken texts since then, usually after a game and the guys went out to celebrate or drink their sorrows, but I never responded. I had meant it when I wanted it to be about our son. Not only was my heart still broken over what he had done, but so was my self-esteem. I continued to wear baggy clothes, only wearing things that made me feel comfortable when I went out in public. There was no one to impress in the world, so if I wanted to go out in my baggy jean shorts, then let me be.
Even though Finn and I had put Leo in an odd position at such a young age, he was thriving. He was sitting up by himself, he loved to play peek-a-boo and he adored sitting on your lap as you read him a book. Leo babbled more and more every day, and he did the most adorable tummy scooting when he wanted to get to something. I had a feeling he would be an early crawler.
Finn would be to the house any minute to pick up Leo for his few day stay at his apartment. His team had an away game this weekend, so Finn would have Leo Monday through Thursday evening when I would be picking him up after work. He didn’t get to see him the weekend before because of yet another away game so I allowed for a few extra days between them. Leo’s little traveling bag was packed with his favorite toys, some spare outfits in case Finn hadn’t gotten around to buying him extras yet, and his favorite bedtime book: Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. He was too young to understand it, but he would always giggle and smile at the voices I made as I bounced him on my lap to the beat of the pentameter that the author used.
Leo laid on my legs as I played peek-a-boo with him, his loud giggling made me smile whenever I said boo. His hair had stayed the same light brown hue that matched Finn’s to a T, but for his eye color, he got my light blue ones. Leo was the perfect balance between me and Finn, it always made me think about if we had stayed together and had more children. Would they have been the perfect balance of us as well?
A soft knocking came from the door. The rule was, if Finn was going to pick up Leo from the house, he had to knock. Technically he no longer lived here, so he couldn’t just walk right in.
“Daddy’s here, my sweet boy,” I kissed his small mouth before lifting him from my legs.
Standing up from the couch, I put Leo on my hip and went to the front door. Finn still looked like his immaculate self, maybe a little less sparkle in his eyes these days. It only ever shined if he looked at me or his son. I pretended not to notice, just as I pretended that he didn’t still make my heart race. He wore his red fading University of Georgia shirt and blue jeans as he stood on my doorstep.
“Hey,” I said quietly after I looked at him for a second too long.
“Hi. He all set to go?” He took a step into the house when I stepped aside.
“Yeah, his travel bag is right here, and the pack and play is leaning up against the banister over by the staircase,” I said adjusting Leo on my hip.
Finn went to grab the pack and play as I picked up our son’s little travel bag from the floor. He quickly rushed to take it from my hands, “I got it, Julianna. You’ve already got the baby in your arms.”
“I’ve become quite good at multitasking, Finn,” I pointed out as I rolled my eyes.
“I’m sure you have but let me take the bags to the car. I’ll be right back to grab him.”
I nodded and watched Finn walk out the door with Leo’s things. Leo played with my necklace, the same one Finn had given me for our one-month anniversary. It felt odd if I took it off. You’re probably thinking, ‘why not wear a different necklace, dumbass?’. Believe me, I had tried about three different necklaces, but they just all felt wrong.
Finn returned, and we stood in the foyer. Lately whenever we had been alone it felt awkward. We still hadn’t talked about that night. And we both still had feelings for one another. I was still in love with Finn and he possibly still cared about me because we had a son together.
“I packed some spare clothes in his bag in case you haven’t had a chance to get more. I also packed another container of formula for you to keep at your place. He’s gotten a little picky with the brands. Um, he just had carrots and peas the last two nights, so make sure you feed him fruits. I put his new favorite bedtime book in his bag. He likes when you make voices for each of the different letters. Other than that, make sure you keep an eye on him if you set him down on the ground. He’s been rolling over a lot the last few days and he has really gotten the hang of his tummy scooting,” I briefed. This was how every conversation went.
“I picked up some more clothes for him, but with him and his messy eating you can never have enough. Thanks for the updates though, I’ll do my best to do the voices as well as you do for his book,” he gave me a small smile and I was pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.
No, Julianna. He broke your heart, you can’t let him in again.
“I’m sure you’ll do just fine. I put his blue rubber ducky in the bag too for bath time. He seriously never puts it down when he’s in there,” I smiled back.
Seriously, did you not just hear what I said?
Finn nodded, “Good to know.”
I pursed my lips, “Mind if I walk you two to the car? I need to check the mail anyways, I forgot to grab it.”
“Yeah, not a problem.”
I followed Finn out to where his black Ford Explorer was parked in the driveway. When I stood beside his car, flashbacks of the night we had sex against his car after we got engaged came to mind. I attempted to shake them from my head, but they wouldn’t go.
“You fuck me so good, Finn,” I moaned, my head leaning back as it was before.
“You like that Jules? You like how I’m fucking you right now?” He grunted, his mouth going back to kissing and sucking on my neck.
“Yes, yes, I love it,” I pulled on his hair.
My body felt hot at the memory. I fanned myself with my hand as Finn opened the back door where Leo’s car seat was waiting.
“You okay, Julianna?” He asked, his brows furrowed.
God damn it, why was that still so adorable?
“Yeah, totally fine. Just didn’t realize how hot it was out here today,” I lied.
He nodded slowly, narrowing his eyes at me. I turned my attention back to my babbling son whose hand latched onto my necklace.
“Okay, sweetheart. You be good for Daddy, you hear me? I love you. I’m going to miss you so, so much!” I kissed his chubby cheek repeatedly until he rewarded me with a squeal and giggle.
It was always hard to hand Leo over to Finn. It wasn’t like I didn’t trust him or anything. But, Leo was my buddy at home. When he wasn’t here, I had nobody. Lately, I had strongly been considering getting a pet to keep me company when Leo would be with Finn. The sound of Finn answering Leo’s babbling as he strapped him into his seat brought me back to the present.
“Really? That’s so cool! What happened next?” He talked in his light baby talk voice.
When our son was all strapped in, Finn adjusted the canopy that was attached to the seat and pressed a button on the toy that sat over the headrest of the back-passenger seat that lit up and sang a song. Leo cooed loudly before Finn shut the door and turned back to me.
“So, you’ll pick him up Thursday night after work?”
I nodded, “Yeah, I’ll probably be there around 5:30-5:45 depending on traffic. If you could feed him dinner for me, that would be great. That way when I get him home I can just start his bedtime routine right away.”
“He’ll have a full belly and will be waiting for you on Thursday night then,” he started to step towards me but immediately stepped back.
I cleared my throat, almost wishing he would’ve closed the distance between us, “Thanks, I really appreciate it. You two have fun and don’t hesitate to let me know if you need anything or something happens.”
“I will. But, Julianna?” He looked at me hopefully.
“Yeah, Finn?” I tilted my head to the side.
“I don’t leave until Saturday afternoon for
Sunday’s game. Would you want to maybe grab dinner with me on Friday night? We can talk about Leo and how we want our arrangement to continue down the line,” he was clenching and unclenching his hands, one of his nervous ticks.
“You sure that’s all we’re gonna talk about?” I raised my eyebrow at him.
“I’d love to talk about us too. Work this out between us, but I know you want to be focused on Leo right now. So that can take a backburner. He is the main priority.”
Why the fuck was him saying that our son was the main priority so hot? Dammit brain, make up your mind, do you want him or not?
“Let’s keep it about Leo right now. But dinner sounds good. Let me know when and where and I’ll find a sitter for him.”
His smile widened, “Okay, will do. Bye, Julianna.”
I waved as he got in the car and backed out of the driveway, watching his car disappear down the street. After going and checking on the mail, I sat down on the couch. I was going on a date with my estranged husband. This could either go very right, or very wrong. My head laid back against the couch, what was I gonna do?
All the way until Thursday, I threw myself into my work. It was one of the only things that had been able to keep me sane this past month besides spending time with Leo. Picking up Leo from Finn’s went off without a hitch. He fed him like I had asked, and Leo was all set for bed by the time his bedtime routine was finished.
But now it was Friday night and Finn was on his way to pick me up. Angie was over to watch Leo for me, even though his bedtime routine would be starting any minute. I walked down the stairs in a simple black dress and black flats, coincidentally, the same outfit that I had worn on mine and Finn’s first date. He had just told me to dress nice for the place he was taking me. I had offered time and time again to just let me meet him there, but he refused. He hadn’t even picked me up for our first date.
