“What was that?” I said.
“What?” she appeared bewildered.
I stared at her hard. She stared back trying to portray confusion. I took a step toward her, and she pushed her back closer to the counter. I put my hand on the bottom of her shirt right above her belt line and she tried to push away, turning away with tears in her eyes. With both hands, I rolled up her shirt revealing her stomach. It was a hard sight to look at. My throat tightened, and I felt like I had just had the wind knocked out of me.
Bruises lined her stomach. They were dark; clearly, he didn’t hold back. There were deep scratch marks, welts, intimating she had been struck by something. I turned her around, and her back was even worse.
“It’s all I had,” she whispered. “I’m not smart, I don’t have a job, I can’t fucking have kids, all I have is my body. Now, look at it . . . It’s ruined.”
She began to cry uncontrollably.
“I’m not even good enough for him. The one thing he wants, I can’t give him. What the fuck is wrong with me?” she sobbed.
“Nothing,” I assured her. “There’s something seriously wrong with him, Cindy. Nobody deserves this.”
“I’m nothing, Danielle. I’m worthless. Even to you. What kind of person am I, giving this shit to a kid?” she laughed mirthlessly at how ridiculous it was.
“I’m not a kid anymore,” I said, fully aware that statement probably wouldn’t help, but not knowing what else to say.
She lifted up her shirt while looking in the mirror. She had an expression of disgust as she scrutinized herself; tears running down her face.
“You’re still beautiful,” I said.
She turned to look at me with a different expression on her face as if she needed something. She pulled her shirt back down, moved across to me, put her arms around me, and hugged me. I hugged her back, then she whispered something in my ear.
“Tell me again,” she pulled back and looked me in the eye, both of us still with our arms around each other, “Tell me again,” she begged.
“You’re beaut . . .” I started, but before I could finish, she put her hand behind my neck, pulled me in, and kissed me. I reacted immediately, and unexpectedly. I pulled her close to me. I hadn’t kissed many people in my life, but even if I had, there would be no precedent for this. I knew it wasn’t a normal kiss, and I knew it wasn’t right, but nothing would have stopped me at that moment. I didn’t kiss her because I wanted her, I kissed her because I wanted her to feel wanted.
Our lips collided in chaos. I felt her tongue against mine, and it unleashed something inside of me. I pushed her back to the counter and pushed her up to where she was sitting on it with my waist between her legs. I felt as if I couldn’t get her body close enough to mine, and I could tell she felt the same way. Her nails dug deep into the skin on my back. Reality began to catch up to my very slow mind, but not fast enough; the door opened.
“Um . . .” Peyton said, staring in complete disbelief, “Dinner’s ready.”
She turned and left the room before I could even put half a syllable together. I pulled away from Cindy, who looked horrified. She pushed me back.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, with her hand over her mouth. She, nor I could believe what just happened. I wasn’t too concerned about explaining the situation till I glanced down and noticed a pile of coke was still spread out on the counter in perfect miniature corn rows.
“Oh fuck,” I said.
Cindy grabbed me by the arm, “Go fix it.”
The look in her eyes was completely different from when I came into the bathroom. She was back in control.
“Go, I’m okay,” she said, I began to grab my jacket and reached for a smaller bag that still had some white powder inside, holding it up questioningly.
“Take it,” she said with the wave of her hand.
I raced down the stairs and out the front door. When I got outside, Peyton was just sitting in her car. She looked as if her brain had just powered down because it had seen too much. I knocked on the passenger window. She didn’t look at me, she just unlocked the door. I climbed inside slowly, not knowing what to say. She started the car, and we began to drive away.
We drove to the park, and she turned off the engine and got out. I followed her. She walked about ten feet and sat down in the grass. I sat next to her, looking at her, not knowing what to say.
“I don’t understand,” she finally confessed.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Be honest with me. What exactly was going on in there, Danielle?”
“What do you mean?”
She gave me the ‘fuck you,’ look, “Don’t play stupid.”
“I’m not, I just don’t understand what you want to know,” I said.
“What were you doing?” she asked.
“Stuff. I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”
“Listen, I’m not here to judge you, I just don’t understand why I just saw you nearly fucking your uncle’s girlfriend with a bunch of fucking drugs on the counter,” she said, clearly angry.
“Okay, I went in there, and she was crying, and it just happened, I don’t know why,” I pleaded.
“Has it ever happened before?” she asked.
“What? No, this was the first and only time.”
“And the drugs?”
“They were hers, I didn’t do any,” I lied.
“Don’t! Don’t you dare fuckin’ lie to me, Danielle!” she nearly screamed at me. “You think I can’t tell?”
“You know what, you’re not my parent, you’re not my girlfriend, and even if you were, it’s my life, my body. You do what you want to your body,” I said, pointing at her wrist, “and I’ll do what I want with mine.”
“You really want to go there?” she asked in a threatening tone. I wasn’t sure if I did, but I nodded.
* * *
“Okay . . . okay . . . um . . .” The doctor looked over her notes repeatedly.
“Yeah . . .” I said, knowing how crazy it all was.
“Well, this story is like a bad day for everyone. Unbelievable, all of that could occur in one day,” she said.
“Well, if you were there, it would be even more unbelievable.”
“I don’t understand, it seems like you had a lot of um, how do I say this? ‘love’ feelings for Peyton. Why would you do that with her in the house? In fact, why would you do that at all?” she asked.
“I don’t know. At the time it seemed to be something I had to do. Not because she wanted it because I felt like I could actually alleviate someone else’s pain. I just wanted her to know that she wasn’t worthless; that someone thought the world of her.”
“No offense, Dani, but she kind of hit the nail on the head. How could she be considered a good friend, or even a good person to you when she’s been supplying you with highly dangerous and highly illegal drugs since you were barely a teenager? I mean, fourteen years old, that’s about the age of your brother now.”
As she continued to talk I began to space out. Fourteen? She’s correct, that is how old my brother is now. Since I’d been here, he’d just been in a time capsule in my mind. I had never considered the fact that he’d grown older, probably much taller, and probably was starting to forget me.
“ . . . Dani, are you listening?” the doctor asked, “Or am I just talking to myself?”
“You said that you talked to my family?” I asked.
“Yes, that’s correct,” she sounded cautious.
“My brother, what did he look like?”
“I don’t think discussing your family’s circumstances at this time is such a good idea.”
“What do you mean?” I didn’t understand.
“Well, I’m sure a lot has changed since you’ve been here, at least it seems that way,” she said.
“A lot has changed?” I repeated.
“You’re not there, Dani. It’s not the same. The people you remembered have gone through hell and back since before you left up u
ntil now. They’ve experienced loss, they’ve struggled, they’re alone. Their daughter and sister has been in a mental institution for three years now with no signs of recovery, and at this point, pretty much no hope that they will ever see you again.”
“And what do you think?” I asked, “Do you think I’ll ever be out there again?”
“Sooner than you think,” she said plainly, “Now, I’m curious, how did things change between you and Peyton?”
“That was the beginning of the end. It was from that point that everything started falling apart. I began to push her and everyone else away. I pushed her away at the time because I felt I had to in order to protect her. If I had still been there for her as I had always been, then she never would have gone away. I was supposed to be her best friend, look out for her, want what’s best for her. She just wanted to be close to me, and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I couldn’t let her get too close because every time she saw a glimpse of what I really was, I felt like I didn’t deserve her, more and more.”
“And is that how she treated you?”
“No . . .” I said, “She always treated me like no matter what I did, no matter how bad I screwed up, no matter how much I lied to her, blew her off, pushed her away, I still meant the world to her. Until the last time. I just couldn’t get over the idea that she was missing out on the life meant for her by being around me.”
“So, you deliberately pushed her into the arms of another lover?” she asked, already knowing where the story was going.
“I thought he could give her more than I could, or just give her something normal, something good, and something she deserved.”
Chapter Nine: Toxic
I was in my room, getting ready to go out. Peyton would be here soon to pick me up. I didn’t really put in much effort; parties weren’t really my thing. I just didn’t want to be alone with Peyton at this point. I didn’t want her to look at me with questioning eyes as she had been doing for the last week. I just wanted her to be distracted by something else. So, I suggested we go to the boys’ party that night. I knew this meant all of Peyton’s friends would be there, welcoming her back into their world with open arms. Cain would be there, and I liked being around him. Most importantly, Abel would be there, and he would be waiting for Peyton.
I heard a knock at my door, simultaneously I heard my phone beep. It was a text message: ‘I’m here.’
“Come in,” I said, and began to grab my things, and get ready to head downstairs.
“Hey,” my brother said, poking his head in and closing the door behind him.
“Hey, Nathan, what’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said, “Are you about to leave?”
“Yeah, did you need something,” I asked. It was kind of unusual for Nathan to come into my room at this stage in his life, but since the game, he seemed to want to be a little closer to me. So, naturally, I distanced myself from him.
“No, I just wanted to talk . . .” he said.
I waited for a moment, then when he seemed to have nothing in particular to say at the time, I walked over and gave him a quick kiss on the head.
“Tell you what, I’ll be around tomorrow. We can talk then, sound good?”
“Yeah, okay,” he said, “Well, I have baseball practice in the afternoon, will you be here in the morning?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m pretty sure I will be. If not, we can talk whenever I am here.”
“Okay,” he sounded disappointed but smiled.
I stopped when I saw him do this. I knew it was a fake smile. It broke my heart to see him do that. It was something I did, and here he was doing exactly the same thing, and I knew no one else would notice. For a second, I wondered how long he had been doing this and why. But instead of an interrogation, I gave him a hug and headed down the stairs.
“Don’t forget your medication if you’re staying at Peyton’s!” my mother called to me. I slowed up, trying to avoid this conversation.
“Oh right . . .” I said, and I grabbed it off the counter, “Thanks.”
I had avoided telling my mother all week that I had stopped taking my medication. I didn’t think that moment was a good time. I headed out the door.
We arrived at the party, and Peyton stayed seated in the car. I removed my seatbelt waiting for her to follow my lead, but she remained seated.
“You know, I’m not really sure if I want to go. Can’t we just go somewhere to be alone?” she said.
“What do you mean, we’re already here?”
“I know, I just . . . I don’t know. It’s like going back in time. I’m done with this part of my life,” she said, rubbing her hand across her forehead in frustration.
“Well, maybe you’re not. Maybe there’s something you missed,” I said.
“Why did you want to come tonight, Danielle?” she said with a frustrated expression on her face.
“Hey, Peyton, you made it!” I heard Abel’s voice from the front porch. “Come inside!”
He stood there, smiling as if his birthday had come early. He had obviously put extra pride into his appearance today because he was looking quite handsome. I silently thanked him.
“Hey, Abel,” Peyton said as we walked up. He hugged her, then hugged me.
“Do you know how hard it is to get you ladies over here?” he asked, laughing.
We entered the boys’ house. It was beautiful with a log cabin feel to it, but modernized. You could tell their family was into the usual: having money, hunting, fishing, and raising athletes. Several animal trophies lined their walls. There were a couple of deer heads, some fish, a bobcat, trophies, and pictures. It was very homey and welcoming. It was an open-plan layout. From the entrance, you could see the living room, the kitchen, and the entertainment room, which had an exquisite pool table that was obviously only used for get-togethers like this. Several people sat around in that room waiting for their turn, drinking beers from their little red cups.
“I really like your house,” I said, looking around, “Nice animals.”
“Right? See that buck right there,” Abel said, pointing to a massive deer on the wall, “I shot that one when I was twelve years old.”
“Oh, that’s nice,” I said, not knowing how to be properly impressed.
“See that, right there?” he pointed to a tiny fish that had somehow been preserved to look like it was still partially alive.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Cain caught that when he was fourteen, and he felt so bad he cried because my dad wouldn’t let it go,” he laughed hysterically. It was kind of funny.
“Seriously?” Cain said, walking into the room, “Are you going to tell everyone that story?”
“What, I can’t brag about my baby brother?”
“Well, I’m actually older than you by several minutes, so no,” Cain said.
“Well, I guess ‘cause I was in the womb a tad longer, I was the only one who developed the ability to grow muscles, get a tan, and grow facial hair,” he was still laughing. This made others laugh too.
“Well, I think it’s a lovely fish,” Peyton said with a smile.
“Thank you, Peyton,” Cain gave her a hug, “Good to see you.”
“Danielle,” he hugged me too, “Always good to see you.”
“You too,” I said hugging him back.
“I’ll get you guys a drink,” Abel said, heading to the kitchen.
As soon as he took off, Peyton’s girls walked over.
“Oh, my God, look who’s here!” Trish exclaimed.
“Finally,” said Bailey.
“No way!” Alicia remarked.
“Hey, girls,” was all Peyton said.
“You’ve been keeping her all to yourself, Dani,” Trish said, giving me a little tap on the shoulder.
“Yeah, sorry.”
They all hugged her and began talking nonstop about school, track, boys, Abel, Cain, the party, and many other things. I took this chance to slink away. Those girls produced way too much energy;
it was difficult to be around all of them at one time.
“Hey, got you a drink,” Cain said. He was holding one in his left hand and offered the second one in his right hand toward me.
“Thanks,” I said, taking it.
“It’s cheap, but we might have some shots later if you’re into something a little more hardcore.”
“Oh, you have no idea . . .” I said, not wanting a shot but definitely wanting something a little more ‘hardcore’ as he put it. I slipped my hand in my pocket to make sure it was still there. I felt a small lining of a plastic baggy and was reassured.
“So, how’s school?” Cain asked.
“Uh, almost over, thankfully."
“Ha ha, true. Hey, we should play beer pong, me and you versus my brother and Peyton,” Cain suggested.
“Let’s do it,” I said. Actually thinking this might be some fun.
Abel cleared out everyone else playing as soon as he heard the idea.
“The championship of all championships!” Abel announced to the entire party, “In corner number one we have Dani and Cain. Team Save the Fishes with a record loss of 5 out of 5 games, will they be able to compete against the undefeated, relentless, extremely attractive, badass of all badasses Abel, and his newly acquired, exceptionally beautiful, new teammate, Peyton Deason!”
We laid out a triangle of cups on each side of the table and filled them with beer. Everyone began to gather around.
“I feel a bet coming on,” Abel said, rubbing his hands together. “What do you think, baby bro?”
“Ha ha, I think I was expecting that. What are you thinking?”
“Hmmm, whatever I want?” Abel asked.
“No, not whatever you want, something that’s legal,” Cain said, as he finished pouring the beers.
“Okay, okay, I’ve got it. If I win, Cain, you have to kiss three boys in here,” the crowd laughed out loud. “To prove that you are in fact, actually gay. Three of my choosing. Boys, if you don’t want tongue from my brother, please leave now, otherwise, you are left with no choice. Hey, and this never leaves the house.”
Manifesting Shadow, #1 Page 13
