Always

by Amy Richie

  “How did he propose?” Marcus broke into my stray thoughts.

  “Umm,” I stuttered, “well, it wasn’t anything too fancy.” My memories took me back to the day that Edmund Harris had proposed.

  “I spoke with your uncle, Miss Sinclair.” He stood awkwardly a few feet from where I sat.

  I only managed not to run from the room by counting my heartbeats. One, two, three, four. “Was it a…pleasant discussion?” I pressed my hands tightly together in my lap.

  “Very,” he smiled for the first time, but it disappeared quickly. “We have decided between the two of us that marriage between us would be welcomed.”

  I felt the air whoosh in and out of my lungs, but it felt like I couldn’t get enough air. “You and Uncle Philip?” I squeaked.

  His nose wrinkled in disgust and his eyes narrowed. He quickly closed the distance between us. “No, Claudia,” he sat across from me, “you and I.”

  “Oh,” I kept my eyes open wide. I knew if I blinked, I would cry and crying would not be an appropriate response to a marriage proposal.

  “He just basically said that our marriage would be…good,

  ” I told Marcus, who was waiting patiently for my answer.

  “Not very romantic, is he?”

  “I’m glad he wasn’t,” I scoffed.

  “I thought women liked romantic suitors.”

  I shook my head. “I wouldn’t have known what to say if he had tried.” I didn’t join in Marcus’s laughter. “Edmund is a very practical man.”

  “I just assumed…” he let his voice trail off.

  “Assumed what?”

  “You’re not wealthy.”

  “That is an easy assumption to make and you would be correct.” Of course he knew that.

  “I wasn’t finished.” I bit the inside of my lip. “I had assumed before that since you weren’t wealthy, it must mean that you were marrying for love. Then when you told me you didn’t love each other, I was surprised.”

  “Edmund’s mother wanted him to marry a nice quiet girl from the country; someone he can easily mold.”

  He tilted his head slightly. “Has she met you?”

  Laughter bubbled forth on my lips. “I know this is hard to believe and you better not laugh,” I warned sternly, “but normally, I don’t run through the woods with strange men.”

  “No?”

  “No. And I’m usually dressed quite properly and I behave quite properly.”

  “That sounds quite boring.”

  “And,” I continued primly, “I am even considered attractive by some.”

  “You?” His eyes widened.

  “Yes!”

  “I don’t see it.”

  “Hey,” I pushed his shoulder playfully. We both laughed at our own silliness.

  “Okay, maybe a little,” he conceded.

  “I wasn’t always like that, though.”

  “Attractive?”

  “Not what I meant,” I pretended to glare at him. “There was a time when I thought I would marry for love.”

  “Uh-oh,” he widened his eyes.

  “My parents married for love; and so did Aunt Dora and Uncle Philip.”

  “So did Sylvia and David.”

  “See? It is possible to marry for love.”

  “Yet, you are settling for a marriage of convenience.”

  “Perhaps if someone I loved would ask me,” I looked up at him through lowered lashes. I saw his lips clamp tight, but I forged ahead. “Like if you would ask, I’m sure I would say yes.”

  I was sitting so close to him that I was almost leaning against his shoulder. If I just moved my head a few inches, I would be touching him. He stood up so suddenly that I had to put my hand on the ground to stop myself from falling.

  “You need to get these ideas of marriage out of your head,” he snapped.

  “I…I just…”

  “You just what, Claudia?” His scowl darkened further.

  “I didn’t mean anything, Marcus. I was just…” I stopped talking, unable to say anymore.

  He leaned down to get directly in my face, “I will never marry. I cannot marry and I have no intention of ever marrying anyone. It’s not possible.”

  “Okay,” I tried to make my eyes wide so I wouldn’t cry.

  “Get your boots back on. It’s time for you to go home.”

  Tears sprang to my eyes as I blindly reached for my discarded boots. He was right, he had told me that he would never marry. I was an idiot for even bringing it up.

  I was too ashamed to look at him with tears streaming down my face. I had assumed too much. I liked him so very well and he was laughing with me; I had dared to hope that maybe…

  I let out a forced breath and pulled on my left boot without even bothering to clean the mud from my toes. I needed to hurry and get my boots on so he wouldn’t have to keep staring down at me.

  What must he be thinking? What a foolish, foolish girl I had shown myself to be. Now he would discard me back home and I may never see him again. Surely now he would hide away in his home until I was safely away in London. I could only hope that he wouldn’t tell David or Sylvia how I had behaved.

  I was confident that no one else would ever know of our night of adventure, but would he tell his family? Would they all laugh together over the hasty words I had spoken?

  I almost groaned at the thought. I pulled on my other boot and pushed myself up off the ground. I was thankful that I was mostly dry and for once in my life, I was glad for being short. At least now I could hide from the disgust in his face.

  “Are you ready?” he asked a little less harshly.

  “Yep,” I nodded, still only looking at the ground.

  “Claudia…”

  “I’m fine,” I tucked my hair behind my ear and tried to get past him without looking up.

  “You just don’t understand,” he said softly.

  “I do,” I sniffed back my sob, “you said you don’t want to marry anyone.” I caught my trembling lip between my teeth. “I should…have never said anything..so foolish.” I wiped away the embarrassing tears.

  “We should go.”

  “I’m ready.” I took a deep breath and prepared to follow Marcus, but he didn’t move.

  For long, agonizing seconds, I stood there trying not to breathe too heavily. I didn’t want to look at him, but I needed to know what he was thinking, why he wasn’t moving.

  I raised my eyes slowly, looking past his hard chest that had offered me comfort last night, past his broad shoulders that had been strong enough to carry me after I had fallen, past his tight mouth that had laughed more than anyone I had ever known, and up to his eyes that were staring at me with such conflicting agony in their blue depths.

  “Claudia,” he began, but then snapped his lips shut again. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips. “I…” He couldn’t seem to get a complete sentence out.

  It wouldn’t have mattered much, I could hardly hear anything over the roaring of my own heartbeats. He reached down ever so painfully slowly to put one of his large hands against my face.

  He leaned in towards me. I froze, not even daring to breath. My mouth fell open slightly. Was he really going to kiss me? I was aware of only Marcus as he leaned toward me, indecision clear on his handsome face.

  “We have to go,” he spoke in a near whisper. “Do not for one second think it is because I don’t want to kiss you. But I cannot.” His hands began to tremble. “You are going to be married in a few days. I am not prepared to step into Edmund Harris’s shoes.”

  He stopped talking and dropped his hand away from my face. I felt the cold creep into my skin. “I will not compromise your integrity. One day, you will remember this moment and you will be grateful to me, young Claudia,” The intensity in his eyes took my breath away.

  I could only nod in response. He reached down and took my hand in his. “We’ll remain friends,” he ordered. “I’ll take you home and later–after you’re married–we will remain friends.�
�� He squeezed my hand. “Are you ready to go home now?”

  “Yes,” I smiled bravely at him. He didn’t smile back, but he did squeeze my hand again.

  As we made our slow way back to Uncle Philip’s home, my mind whirled with all that had happened in just one day. I scarcely recognized the girl with her torn nightgown and muddy feet that was holding tight to an almost stranger’s hand.

  I couldn’t bring myself to pull my hand away from his; I was too aware that we would never be able to be like this again. Only too soon, I would have to go back to the life I had been living.

  I could picture my life, how it would be without Marcus in it. I would always be painfully aware that so much was missing. I couldn’t decide if it was better or worse that I had met Marcus Letrell. If I had never met him, I could marry Edmund and at least pretend to be happy. We could go through all the motions of having a happy marriage.

  On the other hand, by meeting Marcus, I now knew what love felt like. Wasn’t I more complete now that I knew? Even if I could never have it–wasn’t it better that I had at least felt love once? I would have something to hold onto through all the years I would spend as Edmund’s wife.

  The path ahead of me suddenly looked very bleak. Marcus didn’t say a single word as he pulled me along through the woods. This return trip was so different than the way out here. I wasn’t afraid this time, we weren’t being chased, and yet it was so much worse.

  I tried not to cry, but I had to wipe the tears from my face many times as the day faded to evening. The forest was beginning to look eerie again, but Marcus did not slow his stride.

  “We’re almost there,” he finally broke the silence.

  I nodded silently, but stopped when I realized he couldn’t see me. “Will I see you again?”

  “I’m sure you will.” He dropped his hand from mine.

  “I’ll just tell everyone I got lost, then?”

  “That should work,” He turned slightly to flash a brief smile.

  We walked for another ten minutes before I recognized anything. “We were so far out,” I exclaimed.

  “Further out than you’ve ever been.”

  “Yes.”

  “So, in a way, you really were lost.”

  “I guess you’re right,” I smiled.

  I pushed ahead of him in my eagerness. I hadn’t wanted to go home, but now that we were almost there, I was excited to be back to something familiar.

  I felt Marcus behind me as we got closer to home.

  Chapter Twelve

  The house was just within reach when he stopped. “Aren’t you coming with me?” I asked.

  “I think you can make it alone from here.” He smiled sadly.

  “I want you to come with me.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Claudia…”

  “I’m getting married tomorrow.”

  “Which is exactly why you need to go alone.”

  I pressed my lips together, fighting the urge to say the things that would only embarrass me further. “Will I see you again?”

  “We’ll be staying in Hamel for a while, so I’m sure we’ll see each other from time to time.”

  I was already shaking my head, though. “Edmund is taking me to Bath for a few weeks after the wedding and then we’ll be in London.”

  “You’ll come back here, though.”

  “It won’t be the same,” I denied. “We won’t be able to be alone.”

  He ran his hand roughly through his hair. It fell haphazardly back on his forehead, but he left it where it lay. “I don’t know what to say,” he admitted.

  “You don’t have to say anything.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “Just…will you kiss me?” I couldn’t believe that I said the words, but once they were out, I realized that was what I wanted most of all–a kiss.

  “You’re getting married.”

  “Tomorrow.”

  “I don’t think…it would be a good idea.”

  His dark blue eyes filled with indecision. “Please?”

  “I’ll never marry.”

  “You already told me that.” He stepped closer to me.

  “So get that out of your head right now.”

  “I didn’t ask you to marry me. I only asked for a kiss.” He came closer, making it hard to swallow.

  “You might regret it one day.”

  “I won’t,” I whispered.

  He was standing so close I could feel his warm breath on my face. I closed my eyes and leaned into him, breathless with anticipation.

  Everything around me was quiet and still; too still. I opened my eyes slowly, but I already knew what I would see. Marcus was gone.

  I sucked in a quick breath and wrapped my arms tightly around my chest to hold my heart in place. He hadn’t even said goodbye. I may never see him again and he didn’t even say goodbye. I sank to my knees in the damp grass.

  Why had I asked him to kiss me? What a brazen thing to do. Now the last thing he would think of me was that I was a loose woman; the first young, single man to come around these parts since Edmund Harris, and I threw myself at him.

  I ground my fists into my eyes to stop the tears before they started. The sound of rustling leaves got me back on my feet. Marcus had said that Ryan was long gone, but I couldn’t be so sure.

  I peered around me into the darkness. I wasn’t in the woods anymore, so it was easier to see the shadows. I didn’t see anyone around me, but the trees weren’t far behind me. In the distance, a dog barked, sending me scurrying into motion.

  I looked back over my shoulder several times as I hurried across the field to my house. It was nice being so close to the familiar door, and yet there was an aching in my chest.

  What was wrong with me? I knew he would never marry, never fall in love with anyone, but that had not stopped me. I loved Marcus Letrell, I admitted to myself as I inched open our front door.

  I loved him, but he could never love me back.

  Just before I closed the door on the night, I looked back one last time to the place where Marcus had disappeared. My heart nearly exploded out of my chest when I saw him standing there again–waiting for me to go inside.

  He raised one hand in a farewell gesture. I knew I had to resist the urge to run back to him. He didn’t want me; he had made that painfully clear.

  My eyes darted on their own accord to where everything had started just the night before. Hunter, the poor thing: I wondered if his body was still there. I couldn’t see it from where I stood, but he might be there still.

  Was Ryan still out there somewhere? Would he be watching me through my window–waiting for a time when Marcus wasn’t there to protect me?

  The wind picked up suddenly, setting my teeth chattering. I needed to go inside and get to my room before someone woke up and found me like this and yet I hesitated to shut the door and leave Marcus out there all alone.

  Would he go after Ryan now that he knew I was safely at home? Marcus was still watching me, but there was no putting it off any longer. I waved once and then softly shut the door.

  I leaned heavily against the wood of the door, gasping great gulps of air. I needed to get a hold of myself before I woke the whole house.

  I looked around and took stock of the familiar surroundings. It was everything I had known since I was a young girl and yet all so strange and uninviting.

  I put my hand on my chest, trying to quiet the fluttering of my heart. Everyone was sure to wake up when they heard it.

  The thought of Uncle Philip coming down the stairs and finding me in such disarray made my feet start working again. I quickly peeled my boots off and set them neatly next to the door. They were still covered in mud, but I couldn’t help that. Maybe I would be able to clean them tomorrow before anyone noticed.

  I turned quickly to go up the stairs and smashed my elbow against the door handle. I was careful not to make a racket as I hopped around rubbing the offended elbow.

  I realized with a frown that I
still had Marcus’s jacket on. I pushed the fabric up to my face and inhaled deeply. I could still smell him even over the dirt and filth. Would I dare to return the jacket tomorrow? Then I would be able to see him at least one more time.

  A small noise coming from the servant’s room had me scurrying for the steps. I tiptoed up, cringing when it squeaked halfway up.

  I paused on my way past my aunt and uncle’s room. Now that I wasn’t with Marcus anymore, guilt started to creep in. They must have been so worried about me when they woke up that morning and I wasn’t there.

  I shook my head silently in the darkened hall. I should not have stayed away so long. I should have insisted that Marcus brought me home immediately. I didn’t know who Ryan was, but I should have never let him chase me from my home. They must have thought the worst things; especially if they found Hunter.

  I let my shoulders droop; they suddenly felt too heavy to hold up. There was nothing I could do about it now, though; apologies would have to begin in the morning.

  With one last look at the closed door, I started again to my own room. I opened the door, but hesitated to go inside. Was there anyone lurking in the shadows? With my heart in my throat, I ducked inside the comfort of my bedroom.

  I was relieved to see that there was a fire blazing warmly in the fireplace. They must have known I would return. The only thing hidden in the shadows were the shadows themselves. I dropped to my hands and knees and searched under the bed then opened the bureau to make sure no one was there either. When I was satisfied that the room was empty, I allowed myself a small smile. I was finally home.

  I chewed nervously on my bottom lip. I needed to wash up, but I couldn’t call for Becky–she would wake the whole house up. Was it safe to go to the pump for water?

  Well, I could at least change my nightgown, I decided. I crossed the room to the vanity table and opened the drawer where I kept an extra gown. When I stood back up, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the looking glass.

  The sight was gruesome. My hair was a complete mess, plastered to my head in some places and sticking straight out in others. My mouth fell open. At least my face was mostly clean. I removed Marcus’s jacket so I could get a look at the scratches along my shoulder.