Always

by Amy Richie

  He sat down heavily in front of me. There was no talk of love. It had always seemed obvious before that Edmund didn’t love me. He had once told me that he admired me, which was plenty enough for him. Perhaps if he had loved me, his decision would have been easier to make.

  I remained silent as he argued with himself over the best course of action. “This just won’t do,” he finally announced. “I’ll have to ask my mother what I should do.”

  “Your mother?” I was horrified that Lady Harris would learn of my indiscretion.

  “Yes,” he nodded quickly. “She’ll know what to do.”

  He stood back up abruptly and strode purposefully toward the door. Seeming to remember his manners at the last second, he turned, bowed slightly, and hurried out the door.

  I watched the closed door long after he was gone, willing it to come back open. I could scarcely believe that he would discuss such a delicate topic with his mother. I wanted to bury my head in my lap and have a good cry.

  No matter what happened, though, I couldn’t bring myself to regret spending time with Marcus. I knew that I would always cherish the memory of him. I would look back on these last three days as the best of my life.

  I perked up when the door opened, but was disappointed again when it was Aunt Dora.

  “What are you doing in here alone, dear?” she asked kindly.

  “Edmund just left.”

  “Ah.” She sat beside me so she could take my hand in hers. “Things will work out,” she promised.

  “I think he must hate me now.”

  “He does no such thing. In order for someone to hate someone else, there must first be an immense love.”

  “Love and hate are completely different, Aunt Dora.”

  “Not as different as you would think. They are both very intense feelings. There is such a thin line between love and hate.”

  I shook my head, tears already starting to fall. “He hates me,” I sobbed.

  “He can’t,” Aunt Dora insisted, “he just barely likes you.”

  I smiled at her sincere logic. It didn’t make me feel any better. “What if he won’t marry me now?”

  “Then you’ll stay here with us.” I slumped forward in my seat. “Things will work out,” she promised.

  “I think I’ll go lie down if you don’t mind, Aunt Dora,” I said softly.

  “You must be tired after your ordeal. I just can’t tell you how relieved we are to have you back.”

  “I’m sorry to have put you through such turmoil.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  It was mostly my fault though. I had wanted to stay out in the woods with Marcus for as long as I could. “I guess so.”

  “You go and rest. Maybe after an hour or so, you’ll start to feel like yourself again.”

  “I don’t think I’ll feel better until I’ve talked to Edmund again.”

  “He’ll have to come back soon, you two are to be married this afternoon.”

  I shook my head sadly. There was no way that Edmund would go through with the wedding now. I had never before seen him so angry.

  With a heavy heart, I made my way slowly up the stairs and to my bedroom. In such a short time, I had lost two futures: one with Edmund Harris, and the other that I had barely the time to glimpse–with Marcus Letrell.

  I lay down on top of my blankets still completely dressed, including my shoes. Aunt Dora was probably right; I needed to sleep for a while. Maybe then, things would begin to look better.

  It didn’t escape my notice that I should be happy today. Maybe I would have never been exactly happy marrying Edmund, but excited to start a new life.

  A single tear seeped from the corner of my eye and slid off my nose down to the bed. What kind of a situation had I gotten myself into?

  I had always been a respectable young woman–hadn’t Uncle Philip and Aunt Dora always said that? Were they disappointed in me now? What would they say if Edmund called off the wedding?

  I closed my eyes, trying to rid myself of my disturbing self-loathing. As soon as my eyes closed, I could see Marcus so clearly in my head that it made my heart ache.

  I remembered the way he had looked yesterday by the river, the way he had smiled and teased me. I had never before felt so comfortable with someone else. I knew I would never feel like that with Edmund. The most I could hope for was a comfortable sort of friendship.

  Maybe it would be better if Edmund refused to have me. I would live my life alone, but maybe that would be better. I sniffed several times, trying to stop the now steady flow of tears.

  I suddenly wished, more than anything else, that my mother were there. I closed my eyes briefly to remember how she’d looked the last day I’d seen her before the sickness got her. She had been standing just outside the front door of our house in her bare feet, her hand resting firmly on her hip. The sun glared perfectly off her wild mane of hair, so much like my own, showing off the red highlights perfectly. She’d smiled as me and papa approached hand in hand.

  I opened my eyes and puffed out my cheeks. Aunt Dora had been wonderful to me, but I really missed my mother in that moment. I sluggishly rolled myself off the bed. When my feet hit the floor, I had to use all my strength not to let my body follow.

  In my vanity drawer, shoved all the way into a forgotten corner, was my mother’s locket. I hadn’t looked at the locket in so many years. I released the latch and it swung open to reveal two tiny images. My mother smiled at me from the right side. It was so real that I could almost hear her laughter again.

  My father didn’t smile in his image. He tried to look serious and strong. In real life, father smiled and laughed often. Our times around the dinner table were some of my fondest memories.

  I lightly traced around the metal edges of the locket with my finger. What advice would Mama give to me?

  She had married my father for love. She had been happy in her life, I was sure of it. Even though her life had been cut short by a cruel illness, Mama had not regretted the decision to follow Father on his adventure.

  She would have wanted the same for me, her daughter. What would my life have been like if I had grown up in the States with my parents? Would I have already found someone to marry? Would I have been more like my mother?

  My mother had been willful to a fault. Aunt Dora had told me hours worth of stories from her childhood with Mama. As a child, I loved to curl up beside Aunt Dora and let her words paint pictures in my head of the mother I was desperate not to forget. As I got older though, Aunt Dora took her place in my heart. Instead of always thinking of my mother, I began to try to please Aunt Dora. The things she enjoyed, I also took pleasure in.

  My Aunt Dora was the opposite of what my mother had been. She never took her shoes off and waded through the creek; she held Mama’s shoes for her, and she never felt the wind through her wild hair on the bare back of a horse; she watched through half squinted eyes as Mama did.

  Aunt Dora was respectable and proper–and so was I. I sat up straighter in my seat. With a last look at the smile that was too much like my own, I shut the locket and slid it back in its place at the back of my drawer.

  I was not like my mother, I was like my Aunt Dora, and I would be content with a marriage to Edmund Harris, I told myself firmly.

  At least all that had been true three days ago, before I met Marcus Letrell.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I stared at my reflection in the looking glass; same rust colored hair that I had just three days ago, same bright green eyes. Yet, somehow, I didn’t even recognize myself.

  There was a soft knock on the door. “Miss,” Becky called from the other side. “Are you in there?”

  I ran my hand quickly under my eyes. Maybe she wouldn’t notice that I had been crying. “Yes, of course,” I called back with only a little shaking in my voice, “Come in.”

  She went immediately to pretending to fuss with my hair. It wasn’t long before she was wiping away her own tears. I should have known Becky wou
ld notice.

  Becky had come to us as an orphan from the village. We had grown up together. She was the closest thing I had to a friend in a town where youth was not the dominant age group.

  “Mr. Harris is here to see you,” she said softly.

  “I expected him to come.” I tightened my lips and swallowed back the emotion that threatened to spill over. “I’ll be right down.” She nodded and hurried from the room.

  I splashed powder under my eyes and pinched my cheeks. It didn’t help my appearance any. I still looked as though I hadn’t slept in days.

  Edmund was there to call off our marriage; of course he wouldn’t follow through now. Who could blame him after all that had happened the day before? It was my own fault that I would end up an old maid, never to be married. No one would have me now, even if there were other suitors available.

  I had never really wanted to marry Edmund Harris. In fact, I had been searching for an excuse to call off our engagement. But now that I knew he was here to call it off himself, I found that I was saddened by the thought.

  My bottom lip began to shake dangerously. I stood up quickly, brushing the length of my all white gown with my damp palms. It was best just to get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible. Just before I turned away from my reflection, Marcus flashed through my mind.

  Marcus as I had last seen him. “I’ll never marry. Get that out of your head right now.”

  I brought my hand up to cover my mouth and turned to the door. After Edmund left, I could return to my room and have a good cry. I could wallow in my self-pity for a while and then figure out what to do next.

  It might not be so bad. I was sure that I could get Becky to stay with me. As long as I was staying, she wouldn’t go; no matter how Micky was starting to look at her. She would stay with me.

  “How selfish you’ve become, Claudia,” I scolded myself.

  I descended the steps slowly, savoring each groan and creak the old wood made. Edmund’s home would no doubt have smooth marble staircases. I let my shoulders slump forward slightly.

  I wondered what Marcus Letrell’s home was like. He had said he wasn’t wealthy, but it was clear by the way he held himself that he was.

  “He probably has marble staircases, too,” I grumbled to myself.

  My heart beat wildly in my chest. What if Edmund demanded an explanation? What could I tell him? I couldn’t understand why I was so hesitant to tell him the truth. I had done nothing wrong and yet… I couldn’t tell him I had spent the day with Marcus.

  Yesterday was a memory I was keeping only for myself.

  He hadn’t been gone very long, so I wondered what agreement they had come to. He probably just went along with whatever his mother said.

  “Claudia,” he nodded my way when I entered the parlor. After I was seated, he almost immediately began pacing the floor in a nervous pattern.

  “I have spoken with my mother,” he began in a grave voice.

  I clasped my hands together in my lap, trying not to look nervous. I probably wasn’t doing well, but he didn’t pause in his steps across the floor of Aunt Dora’s parlor.

  “We have both come to the same agreement.” He turned to make sure I was still paying attention to him. I kept my eyes on him.

  “You disappoint me, Claudia.” I felt myself shrink under his intense stare. “I expected to be getting a respectable young woman for a wife. I had hoped,” he continued without allowing me to speak, “to mold you into a wife I could be proud of.”

  “This is my wish as well,” I said in a soft voice.

  “Now this will never be.”

  “I have learned my lesson, Edmund.”

  “I hope you have, but it doesn’t change what has already happened.”

  “It will never happen again,” I promised weakly.

  “Still, every time I look at you now, I will be reminded of your indiscretion.” I sighed and looked down at my lap. “You have used poor judgment,” he scolded, “and caused me to lose my temper.”

  My bottom lip began to tremble, so I pressed it firmly between my teeth. “I know.”

  “I hardly ever lose my temper the way I did this morning when you refused to tell me where you had been.” He turned his back to me and looked out the window.

  I decided it was best for me not to say anything.

  “So,” he turned back around to face me again, “here we are at a crossroad. Which way should we turn?” He raised one eyebrow almost to his hairline. It wasn’t nearly as attractive as when Marcus did it.

  “Stop it,” I scolded myself severely, “you are not allowed to think of him anymore.”

  I repositioned myself on the chair so I could pay more attention to what Edmund was saying. “I feel I must tell you, Claudia, that mother was also extremely disappointed and her approval is much more difficult to gain again once it is lost.”

  My expression remained the same throughout his rant.

  “Do you have anything else to say for yourself before I reveal what has been decided?”

  “Um,” I straightened in my seat, “I would just like to say again, Edmund, how sorry I am for bringing any amount of shame to your name.”

  He sucked in a small breath and let it out quickly again. “I admire your sincerity, Claudia,” he smiled tightly. “I am willing to put this entire nastiness behind us.”

  “You are?”

  “I am. We can proceed as planned for this afternoon and pretend as if this whole thing never happened. Can you agree to these terms?”

  I was confused as to what terms he meant. Did he mean only that he didn’t want me to speak of this again; because I had no intention of ever telling anyone the things that had happened in the woods.

  For a brief moment, I wondered what would happen if Ryan came back for another late night visit, but quickly pushed such notions from my head. We wouldn’t even be in this area for much longer. Edmund had said we would leave for Bath shortly after we were wed.

  “We will meet at the church this afternoon as planned,” he said with a nod. He didn’t smile, but he seemed less angry.

  “Yes, Edmund, I am very happy for that.” I didn’t give myself time to wonder if I really meant that.

  “We’ll leave Hamel within the fort night.”

  “So long?” My eyes widened at the prospect of staying for so long when I’d already resigned myself to leave right away.

  “Mother will want to be sure you are dressed properly.”

  “Oh.”

  “Might I assume that you have no proper dresses?”

  “I…um…”

  “No matter,” he waved his hand dismissively, “there is a woman coming from London to make gowns for you.”

  “From London?” My eyes lit up. I had often dreamt of having dresses from London.

  “Yes,” he appeared less than impressed.

  “Edmund, may I ask you something?”

  “Yes.”

  “When we…when we are in London, may we go to see a show?” It was the most I had ever asked of him and I held my breath as I waited for his answer.

  “What do you know of the shows?” His eyes narrowed suspiciously.

  “Nothing. I have only heard of them and would like to see one for myself.”

  He shook his head before I had finished talking. “Mother doesn’t like to visit the shows. She says they are too noisy and there are too many bodies pressed together.”

  My shoulders fell in disappointment, but I only nodded. “Oh.”

  “You will have plenty to do to keep yourself occupied while you are my wife.”

  “Like what?”

  He seemed shocked that I had even asked, making me wish I could take back the words.

  “I do not know what women do all day,” he exclaimed. “How would I know of such things?”

  “I am sure that I will learn quickly what is expected of a lady living in London.”

  “You need not worry yourself, Claudia. Mother will be there to help you every step
of the way.”

  My smile froze in its place. “That’s wonderful,” I replied sweetly.

  “I am sure that the two of you will get along beautifully. You are both such respectable women.” His eyes lit up momentarily. “I must be off now.” He stood up abruptly, surprising me.

  “So soon?”

  He smiled, wider than I had seen. “We will have the rest of our lives to spend together after today,” he reminded me. “I am sure you can manage one more afternoon on your own.”

  “I am sure you are correct, Edmund. I will find some way to keep myself busy.”

  “You could pack your things,” he suggested.

  He was right; I still needed to do that. I had planned to do it yesterday, but…

  I quickly moved my thoughts back to Edmund. “That is a good idea.”

  “Don’t pack much,” he warned again. “Mother is looking forward to dressing you up.”

  “Alright.” I tucked my hair behind my ears and glanced down at the floor.

  “Then I will leave you until the church.” He was halfway to the door when he turned back to me.

  He hesitated and then in jerky movements, he leaned down to kiss my cheek. His lips were cold and made me want to pull away from him. I dutifully stayed rooted to the spot. He left without looking at me again.

  “Well,” I whispered when I was safely alone, “that was awkward.”

  I was only alone for a few moments before Aunt Dora came in to join me. “Did everything go well?” she asked with a hopeful raise in her voice.

  “We’re still getting married.” I would leave it up to her to decide if that qualified as well or not.

  “That’s…wonderful news.” She picked up her needlepoint and began threading her needle.

  “Yeah.” I reached into my own basket to retrieve my red thread. Maybe I could finish my rose this afternoon before we had to go to the church.

  “We sure will miss you around here,” Aunt Dora commented quietly after a long stretch of silent sewing.

  “I’ll miss you as well,” I didn’t look up.

  “That old horse of yours will miss her rides.”

  Clover. I sighed softly. “You know, I think I’ll go out and see Clover.”