“Aisha, are you okay?” I asked softly but her eyes glazed over me. She looked stunned, incapable of speech. Panic hit my chest. What had happened? I shook her gently and called out her name but she remained lost. Her eyes were open, yet she wasn’t there.
Her hands squeezed my arms and then she moved me away. She took tentative steps to the mantle, her eyes never left the photo. I watched her, as she traced a finger across the image.
My heart ached. She still loved John. I was jealous of my dead, best friend, right then. It was so wrong but seeing her touch his photo with such tenderness broke my heart. Then, she collapsed on to the floor. I rushed to pick her up and she slumped into my arms. Tears ran freely down her face as her trance broke. She blinked rapidly and uttered his name.
“Oh John...John...God how did this happen?” I wondered what she referred to. Was it John’s death or our relationship?
“Shush...it’s going to be fine, Aisha. I’m here. It will be fine.” I held her in my arms. Her body shook as tears flowed incessantly. Her tears were my undoing. I would have given anything, even walking away…if it stopped her tears.
I rubbed her bare back and hoped she would sleep so that she could rest while I removed any of John’s belonging from the house. Instead she froze in my arms, with the stone-cold feel of a punishment to be meted out. She sniffed and wiped her eyes and looked at me. She broke free of my arms, then dressed in silence. When she finished, I ran my hands over her shirt to smooth it. Her head hung low. I put a hand under her chin and lifted her head up.
“You need to go,” I repeated knowing fully well her intention. Her eyes filled up again, thick tears spilling down her cheeks. I held her face, my thumb smudging the tears mid-way while my insides twisted in unbearable pain. “Let me drop you home,” I said quietly to which she shook her head. “It’s too late, Aisha. Let me come with you,” I pleaded but she continued shaking her head and took a step back.
“I am sorry, Liam. I cannot do this.” Her finger pointed to the space between us.
I swallowed, willing my heart not to die. I wanted to hug her and show her how much things could work between us but everything about her screamed space right now. I rubbed at my neck and tried to ease the tension. I felt defeated. Defeated by the one woman I couldn’t seem to not love, even though she couldn’t stop loving my former best friend.
“I’ll call a taxi for you,” I said and left the room. It was incredibly hard for me to watch her break down. She took my world with her. The thought of life without her terrified me, but for now, I needed to call a taxi and help her reach home safely. Only then, would I allow myself to shatter into a million pieces. Yet again.
CHAPTER TEN
AISHA
My head pounded. I squinted to see the time on my bedside clock. Five-thirty in the morning. Too early. I had reached home last night at ten. I hadn’t been able to stop crying. The taxi driver was alarmed and asked if someone had hurt me. He threatened to hurt the man who made me cry, but his words only had me crying harder. Liam had put my heart back together, piece by piece with so much love, only to watch it shatter again.
I had been so happy yesterday. Elated to be at Liam’s place, peeking into his world at Princeton, thrilled to finally be a part of his life in the way he was in mine. But the memories of the past were too noisy to ignore. My world crashed when my eyes fell on John’s photo.
I’d remembered the exact moment that photo was taken. Our whole group of friends was at Mt Poconos, celebrating John’s birthday, just couple of months before he died. It had been so damn cold at the mountains and yet, everyone was up at midnight ready to give birthday kicks to the birthday boy. But right before we could attack him with our excited squeals, he held up his hands to stop us. He had a big announcement to make. Everyone had been puzzled except for Liam who stared at me. Before I knew, John was on his knees, proposing. There were no second thoughts. I said yes.
And that’s exactly when someone took that photo. John’s face held pure happiness, eyes crinkled on the sides and filled with love. I loved that picture and held on to it for a long time before I decided to store it in my memory box. It was painful to see his frozen smile when I knew I couldn’t reach him.
When I saw the same photo on his bedroom’s mantle, my world stilled. I was back in that hotel room in Pocono where John proposed. My fingers shook as betrayal engulfed my world. Shame overtook me. I longed to run away, escape.
Liam, on the other hand, didn’t run. I think he knew, though. He gave me space and even offered to drive me home. But I couldn’t use him as my crutch anymore. He had been there for me and had done enough.
He’d brought me out of mourning by giving his time and his love. And yet, I had to give him up. I couldn’t be with him, while a part of me still longed for John. I couldn’t be his completely. Who would settle for that?
I sat up in my bed and wiped at the never-ending tears. I had no idea how to get over John.
I freshened up and decided to do something about my raging headache. I checked my phone which had been left in the living room. Liam had left a text and asked me to call when I felt okay. I had no heart to call him.
I had thought I was moving on and yet, one little memory had been enough to break me. I moved to the kitchen to make myself coffee. The new coffee machine stared at me. Liam bought it last week because mine was broken. I looked around the kitchen and noticed the new aprons, the new herbs, and my cutlery rearranged. Within such a short time, Liam had taken over my house and kitchen. I had no idea he was so fond of cooking and more importantly, feeding me.
I rested my head on the refrigerator as sadness crawled deeper into my heart. It wasn’t fair to Liam but I couldn’t be with him… I couldn’t give him one hundred percent of my love. I gave up on any respite from my throbbing headache and decided to open up the restaurant early. So I left my home as soon as I could.
***
Everyone reached out to me this week. From my parents, to long-forgotten friends, my phone buzzed every hour over the last six days. I didn’t want to talk to any of them, but I was polite and spoke to them. I couldn’t let those relations wither away because I sulked at fate.
Today, Marcy wanted me over for an early dinner and none of my protests worked. Thankfully, it was a short meal and I needed to be at the restaurant to help Kiya. I hadn’t been a great boss during the past few days so I was determined to help her out. Partly because I started seeing a grief counselor. Staying away from Liam had proved more difficult than I anticipated. I felt confused when I realized how strongly I felt for Liam. On one hand, I wanted to spend every waking and sleeping hour with Liam but on the other, I also felt guilty of finding joy in another man. Was I to grieve forever? I wanted to move on and my counselor said that’s the dream I needed to hang on to. I was ready to welcome love from another man in my life. Liam showed me how wonderful it could be.
The chill of February had been replaced by a more pleasant March. The trees sprang to life with beautiful white and pink blooms. I missed walking on the streets with Liam. I missed his hand in mine, the silent promises he made with everything he did.
I took a deep breath. Liam had not called me. Not even once. I was devastated to think he’d finally given up on me. I had been in his arms naked when I called out John’s name. Can a man recover from that humiliation? Even if he is now the only person I want to be with, would he give me another chance?
My grief counsellor was the ever-positive kind. She kept assuring me that Liam would understand my situation—how I grieved for John’s loss even when I was with Liam. Apparently, our hearts have enough room for loving more than one person. If only, I could believe her. If only, Liam would believe me. If I ever muster the guts to face him.
I rubbed my hand on my chest and felt a physical pain at losing Liam. He used to be my closest connection to John. Now he’d become the only thing which made me happy. He took care of my fragile heart the way no one else could. But I lost him, too. Tears burned in my
eyes but I took a deep breath. The restaurant was right at the corner and I didn’t want to alarm Kiya any further with my tears.
As soon as I entered, I felt something different in the restaurant. There were a few guests eating and a happy buzz emanated from Kiya. I greeted a couple of our regular guests before I made my way back to the kitchen. My heart stopped when I saw Liam, his shirt sleeves rolled up. He was helping the chef with the food. I gasped at their shared laughter and how beautiful he looked.
“Stop staring, Aisha. You are making Kiya very uncomfortable here.”
Kiya giggled like a little girl and balanced three plates of food in her hands. I closed my mouth and swallowed. Liam said something to the chef and cleaned his hands with the kitchen towel before looking at me. My heart thundered as our eyes met, memories of how I left him assaulted me. I lowered my eyes in shame.
He walked slowly toward me. With his every step, I retreated until my back hit the wall. He stopped just a few inches from me. I looked at him, my breath heavy, then I noticed the dark circles under his eyes. His unshaven beard and unruly hair showed how tired he was. Had he slept at all? He touched my forehead with his and sighed.
“Gosh I missed you,” he breathed in. I trembled at his touch. I wanted to tell him how I missed him too but I couldn’t utter the words. How can I explain to him about my breakdown? How could I atone for hurting him? Would he believe my words if I tried to explain? I touched his face, trailing my hand on his jaw and he closed his eyes as if relishing it.
“We need to talk, Liam. I have to…explain,” I whispered, knowing how difficult this was. To my surprise, he nodded but said nothing. My lower lip quivered, knowing the end was close. I would lose him forever. What man could forgive the mistake I made?
I circled my hands around his neck and hugged him. My heart warmed from being in his arms, if only for a short time. His fingers played with the tendrils of my hair, the way he would often do after we made love. “Liam…I think…”
He shook his head and put a finger over my lips to silence me. A glint of steel in his gaze told me, he wouldn’t be budged.
He started reiterating, “Since you left my house, I haven’t been the same. I missed all my lectures for the last three days, Aisha. I didn’t have the energy to leave my house to even buy food. After a day of starving, I ordered every meal delivered. I was scared”
His confession shocked me. I broke our embrace and looked at him. When I touched his face, he cupped my hand in his and kissed the inside of my palm. His lips tingled my skin.
“All I did was think. Think about you, John, and of our time together. It was all there. I felt like I was trapped in a torture chamber with a past I couldn’t control or change.” His shoulders shook and he smirked. “I have a fucking PhD and it took three days for me to realize it.” He looked at me, his eyes roamed over my face. His green eyes sparkled.
“Realize what, Liam?” I asked drinking in the sight of him before it ended. He smoothed my hair, and planted a soft kiss on my lips. Dare I hope? His kiss felt like freedom, and forgiveness.
“I don’t need you to love me…my love for you is enough for both of us.”
A single tear escaped and ran down my cheek.
He planted yet another kiss on my lips and continued talking as if one of his lectures. “John left before you could finish what you started with him and you had no way to conclude it, right? I get it. But Aisha, I loved you all those years and you didn’t even know it. It was enough for me. It was enough because you were happy with John. That smile…” he said touching my lips, “...the way your eyes lit up when you were happy…” He kissed my eyes, “...that’s all I want. I can make you happy. I can do it without you ever being in love with me. I’m really quite okay if you only like me. I’m also fine if you never fall out of love with John,” his gruff voice held conviction while his fingers cupped my face gently. “I know my love would be enough for both of us.” His hand moved to my heart. “I’ll fill those holes in your heart, baby. I will let you mourn him the way you want. But…,” he swiped at the streaks of tears rolling down his face, his pain bared for me to witness, “but I am right here to dry your tears and hold you tight until you are happy again. Anything to make you smile again”
His thumb smudged my tears again, wiping them off my cheeks while I sniffed. He bent and touched my forehead with his, while I closed my eyes reveling in his touch. “Don’t give up on us, baby. Don’t give up. Please.”
A dam of pain broke inside of me. I hugged him as if my life depended on it. Tears flowed, drenching his tee shirt, while his hands gripped me tight. I thought I had lost Liam but here he was, asking me to give us another chance. I had thought I’d known love. I had thought I loved John with all my heart. I’d been so wrong. I couldn’t match what Liam had in his heart for me. When I lost John three years back, I felt I couldn’t love again. There were so many little pieces of my once happy heart that I couldn’t dream of ever putting them together. But turned out all I needed was to find my will to love again. I was ready and with Liam, our love would be as strong as my love with John had once been.
“I’m sorry I left you,” I said, my voice muffled by his arm. He rubbed my back and I knew it didn’t matter anymore. “I shouldn’t have run. First, I couldn’t shake the guilt of betrayal…and then I couldn’t face you to beg for forgiveness. I thought you didn’t want to see me. I was afraid. I believed you’d moved on.” I sniffed. “But…I have been seeing a grief counsellor now. You know she told me it was normal to feel this way. That…that I can love you more than anyone else and still…love John.” Liam stilled and I knew which part caused him to hold his breath. I had never been more sure of this. I looked up at him, his green eyes meeting mine with so much love. Heat rushed to my face, the truth tearing out of me. “Liam...I think…I love you, too”
I didn’t mind the bone-crushing hug he gave me as I realized I had been in love with him since Valentine’s Day when he promised me to show how beautiful love could be. He kept his promise. He gave me his world. It was time I give him mine.
“I’ll see that you are sure of it, baby. Later tonight,” he promised. I believed him with all my heart.
THE END.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shilpa Mudiganti believes life is too short to read tragedies. She writes romance and fantasy fiction that always has a happy ending. No matter how hard the circumstances are, the hero and heroine will walk in to the sunset holding hands. IT professional by day and dreamer by night, she loves to hear from her readers about their life experiences. There is no inspiration like life.
You can reach out to her at: [email protected] or drop her a private message at her Instagram account: https://www.instagram.com/shilpa_mudiganti/
If you would like to remain updated on her latest books and get FREE short stories, sign up here – http://shilpamudiganti.com
WHAT’S BETTER THAN A BOOK BOYFRIEND?
Sarah Vance-Tompkins
Other Books by Sarah Vance-Tompkins
Kisses on a Paper Airplane
What’s Better Than A Book Boyfriend
Copyright © 2017 Sarah Vance-Tompkins
All rights reserved.
DEDICATION
To the book girl geeks of the world. I am grateful to have you as my kindred spirits.
CHAPTER ONE
“I fucking hate Valentine’s Day!”
Charlie Bishop’s loud declaration echoed throughout the cavernous three-story lobby. Even the patrons in the basement of the small town library could hear her lament. “As if single people need to be reminded in the cold dead of winter that they’re sad and lonely.”
The assistant librarian of the Good Harbor Public Library, Charlie’s job involved creating a timely display in the grand foyer entrance every few weeks. She’d been putting off doing the February display for the last five days.
“Your thesis is coming through loud and clear, dear.” Children’s Librarian Effie Peterson said. In a beige
cardigan and matching slacks, Effie looked like a stereotypical rule-abiding librarian. As far as Charlie was concerned, Effie’s wisdom and snarky sense of humor were absolutely priceless. She wouldn’t make it through one day without her.
Charlie was perched high up on a ladder. Her red-gold hair was swept up into a messy bed-head bun on top of her head. When she was at the library, pens and paper clips somehow found their way into her topknot, and stayed up there for the rest of the day like Christmas tree decorations. “You don’t think I missed anything?”
“Ten Reasons Why Books Are Better Than Boyfriends,” Effie said, reading the hand-cut letters Charlie had spent the better part of an hour cutting out of red and pink construction paper, and taping above the display case. “A novel, and yet truly bitter approach to the holiday,” Effie said. “You are a woman after my own heart.”
“Valentine’s Day sucks,” Charlie complained. The holiday had obviously triggered an uncharacteristic sense of gloom.
“As a spinster of a certain age,” Effie said. “I’m aware of the pitfalls of having to endure a holiday devoted to romance annually.”
“What do you usually do on Valentine’s Day?”
“I read.”
“See, Books are better than boyfriends. They don’t get upset when you need space,” Charlie said tartly. “There’s no such thing as too many. And when you need a new one, you know exactly where to go.”
Valentine Kisses: A Kiss to Last a Lifetime Page 29
