by Catori, Ava
“Yes.”
“You go. Do something for yourself. I’ll see you back here tomorrow.”
Kendle left the truck stop, and headed to her sister’s embankment under the overpass. She was curled up sleeping in her blanket. Kendle tucked in beside her and curled up.
Cree stirred. “Kendle?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s going on?”
Kendle sighed. “I’m afraid of healing.”
“Are you ready?”
“I want to be. What about you?”
Cree shrugged. “I don’t know if I can heal.”
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself.” Kendle’s voice was flat.
“Do you want to get better?”
“Yeah. What about you?”
“Honestly? Sometimes, but I’m afraid if I look at my emotions, I’ll break and won’t be able to function.”
“Will you try?” Kendle hoped her sister would at least try.
“Maybe soon, not quite yet. It’s easier this way.”
“I slept with him,” Kendle admitted quietly.
“Who? The picture guy?”
Kendle nodded. “Yeah, we made a deal.”
“Just like old times, eh?” Cree nudged sarcastically.
“He kicked me out after.”
“Ouch. Why?”
“I think he knew I was cold inside. It hurt his feelings,” she said with a shrug.
Cree didn’t like that answer. “You held your end of the bargain if you made a deal.”
“He wanted all of me, not just my body. I can’t open up. He wants more than I can give him.”
“See, you don’t want to feel things either.” She felt triumphant in some small way.
“It’s not the same, and you know it,” Kendle said defensively.
Cree tried once again to explain how she felt to her sister. “I hate him, okay? I hate the monster. I am so afraid that if I let even the slightest bit of light in, I’ll crack. You want me to heal, and I’m terrified of healing. It’s easier to be angry than feel the pain.”
“I get that, truly I do. I just don’t want to be chained to the past forever.” Kendle closed her eyes, frustrated.
Cree looked away. “You’re stronger than I am. You always have been. I wouldn’t have left if it weren’t for you, even knowing he’d continue. I was afraid. Now I’m afraid of my own shadow, but I’m glad we left.”
“This isn’t what I planned. I didn’t think we’d be here years later. I just wanted to get out. I thought it would be easier,” Kendle admitted.
“You wanted to protect me, I get that. You pulled me out the moment you knew. You did okay.”
“You’re still out here, sleeping under an overpass. That’s not doing okay. I’m barely surviving in a motel room, and you don’t want to come inside.”
“Go back to your picture guy. Apologize. He’s your shot at a better future. It sounds like he had some kind of feelings or something.”
Kendle felt lost. “He’ll know I’m lying if I say I feel something.”
“Tell him you want to try. You just need a little time.”
“I should go. You need to sleep.” Kendle pressed her palms to her thighs and sighed.
“I’ll come by for a hot shower later, okay? I’ll talk to you then.”
“Room twelve now, remember I moved.”
“Twelve. I’ll see you later.” Cree closed her eyes, and drifted back to sleep.
Chapter 13
Kendle twisted in her sheets. It was dark, he was on top of her, and when the light hit his face it was Graham. Kendle bolted upright, sweating, trying to catch her breath. It was just a dream. Kendle clenched her hands, holding tight to the sheet. How could she trust him? He’d hurt and betray her, just like her father had.
It wasn’t just her father. It was men. They’d hurt her if she gave them a chance. They’d use her for their own needs and throw her away. Kendle threw her head back onto her pillow. She tried turning to her side, drawing her knees up, but the ache inside wouldn’t diminish.
Stavros was the only one she didn’t fear. Maybe it was because as tough as he was, she saw how Gina had him wrapped around her little finger, and he adored her so openly. They fought often, but she knew he loved her with everything inside of him. He was a good man. He was a protector.
She didn’t know who Graham would end up being…a snake, or a guardian, or someone that would take care of her the way Stavros takes care of Gina.
Why couldn’t they just follow the plan? He’d take her picture, she’d become famous, she’d have money and take her sister into hiding while they went after her father. Eh, it was a dream anyway.
Instead, he had to feel something. Why? It changed everything. When he touched her, when he kissed her, it all changed. She knew it had. He looked at her differently. His voice softened. He wanted more of her, dammit; she didn’t have any more to give. She tried. She climbed into his bed, let him put his hands on her, in her.
Hot tears slid down her face. She didn’t want to feel anything. Rejection. The sting of rejection was biting at her. He threw her out when she didn’t feel anything. Well, she felt something now, fucking rejection. She was cast aside like a street dog. Get out, leave, you aren’t enough if you can’t share yourself.
He barely knew her. How could he expect her to just flip a switch and come back to life? It didn’t work that way.
Kendle sat back up and clicked on the lamp. She stood before the mirror and saw the vacant stare in her eyes. She hated herself. She hated the monster more. She didn’t hate Graham. She felt bad for him. She wanted to be able to be present, but how could she when all she could do was shut down her mind, the same way she had when her father was on top of her.
Graham wasn’t the enemy. She knew that. He was the solution. He could help her. He had the resources she needed. He had the money to take her father down, money to hire a lawyer, money to get him thrown in jail. It was time to make a decision. Could she convince him she wanted another chance? Could she sell her soul and be who he wanted, or would he know she was faking it?
Kendle dug his card out of her wallet. Taking a deep breath, she dialed. It was late, but she could leave a message. She didn’t expect him to pick up. But he did.
“Graham?” Her voice shook.
“Kendle?” He was obviously surprised to hear her voice.
“Will you pick me up? I want another chance.”
He paused a moment. “You didn’t feel anything.”
“It was delayed. I didn’t realize I wanted this until I came back. I just have to move slowly. I don’t want to sleep alone tonight. I had another bad dream.”
“Will you talk to me?”
“I’ll try. Really, I will.”
“I’ll send the car around.”
“Thank you.”
When the car pulled up, Kendle climbed in. Thankfully, it was only the driver, which allowed her a few more minutes to collect her thoughts.
What would she tell him? How would she sell the lie?
When she arrived, he was up, waiting. “Are you sure about this?”
“I need to try. I want to try.”
“This can’t be one sided,” he warned.
“I’m scared. I’m not used to talking about things.”
“If you want to move forward…”
“My Dad, okay. He molested me. He molested my sister. It didn’t happen just one time, but when I found out about my sister, I got us out.” Her eyes were empty, and her heart raced. She said the evil words out loud. There was no taking them back.
“My god.” Graham drew his hand up to his face. He wanted to pull her close, hold her and take away her pain. He knew she needed space. It was the most she’d said. He let her continue. She was lost in her mind, talking blankly.
“We worked the streets. I didn’t have a way to take care of her. We needed money.” She paused, letting the words hang in the air. She looked away, her expression glazed. The smoky glass of the
living room windows muted the city lights. Walking to them, she placed her hand on one. “She won’t come inside.” Kendle turned to Graham. “She can’t. She’s afraid to. I need to help her.”
The pain etched across her face was new. Her eyes tripped from empty to aching. The key was her sister. She’d shut out her own feelings, but when it came to her sister there was no hiding the pain.
“I couldn’t help her, Graham. I didn’t know he was doing it to her, too.” She shook her head with disgust and closed her eyes. Kendle drew her fingers up to her temples and rubbed them. “Now she lives her life out in the streets. I used to, too. Don’t you see that I’m no more than a street mongrel trying to climb my way to a better life?”
“I can help.” He spoke softly. “Let me help.”
Kendle nodded quietly.
He took a step closer and met her gaze. “Can I hold you?”
She shrugged.
Opening his arms, he wrapped them tenderly around her, his heart breaking. Graham placed his cheek on the top of her head, and held her to him. He was afraid to let go, afraid she wouldn’t let him hold her again. He could make things better if she’d let him.
Kendle liked how his arms felt around her. She felt warm and safe, secure in a way she hadn’t before. She wanted to tuck into him, hide away and let go. She wished she could show him the affection he needed, but she was broken. It would take time for that, if he was willing to give her the time she needed.
“Will you tell me more?” His voice was soft.
“I don’t know what else there is.”
“Your mother…does she know?”
“She’s in denial. When we left…anyway, my parents are dead to me.”
“Your sister?”
“I want to help her off the streets. But it’s not as easy as getting her inside. She isn’t ready. Prostitution, having control, in some weird way it helps her heal. She wants to forget, she says it helps her. It never helped me. I could only remember why we were out there.”
“The truck stop?”
“Stavros,” she smiled. “He’s been good to me. He has a good heart. Please be nice to him, treat him with respect when you talk to him. He’s a good man. He took me in, helped me.”
“How did you know him?”
She turned away. “He was a regular client.” It stung saying it out loud. Gina didn’t know. She felt like she’d betrayed her, but she knew Stavros first. He’d go to the back alley, and get a little on the side. When something opened at the truck stop, he told her to come by. She wasn’t cut out for the life she was living. She was a nice girl. He wanted to help her find a better life. Gina couldn’t know how he found her. As far as she was concerned, Kendle had answered a want ad. They stopped once she worked for him. Nobody needed to know.
Graham’s stomach turned, knowing that she’d touched him in that way. Could he live with that knowledge? How many others had there been? How long had she worked the streets?
“And now?”
“No, we don’t.” It was almost like she could read his mind.
“The motel?”
“It was better than the street, but all I can afford. I begged my sister to move in with me, but she wants to be outside.”
“Where does she live?”
“Outside.” She made it obvious she wouldn’t say more.
“What can I do for you?”
“I don’t know. If I made a better living…maybe I could help her. Maybe I could go after my family, have the monster thrown in jail. Maybe she would finally move inside. I couldn’t save her back then. Maybe I can now.” Her eyes were hollow again. Kendle swallowed hard, her stomach felt as if it was filled with lead.
“I want more of you.” He was as honest as he could be. She’d been open. It was his turn. “I’ll be honest. I saw us climbing to fame and fortune. Your face, my ability to capture it…but I can’t see you being splashed across magazines, on billboards, raw and vulnerable, until you’re healed. It’s too much. It’s a rough life, harsh, cold. They’ll eat you up and spit you out if you don’t deliver. I always thought I wanted to be back on top, but now I’m realizing I really just want someone to believe in me again. Maybe we can help each other.”
“How?”
“If you put your faith in me, I’ll try to help you. In return, you make me feel whole…do you think….” he trailed off, feeling almost foolish. He looked away, his jaw tense. “Never mind, let’s focus on your issues first.”
Kendle reached up and stroked his face. He looked fragile for a half of a second. “What do you need?”
“I need to be loved.” He looked down at the girl before him, their eyes locked.
Nobody said a word, only their breathing filled the room.
“I don’t think I know how anymore.” Her words were soft, broken, and barely audible.
“You can’t force love,” he said, feeling defeated. “Listen, why don’t we just take things one day at a time? I’d like to take your picture and help you build a career, but we’ll go slowly. I saw a fast, meteoric rise before, but slow would probably be better. I’ll talk to some of the people I know, get a feel for what’s current, and we’ll take it as it comes. The thing is, once the world grabs a hold of you…” he trailed off. She wouldn’t be his. He knew. She’d want other things, different people in her life, younger men. “Anyway, let’s just take it one day at a time.”
“Can I come to bed with you? I can’t…” She looked away. “I’m not ready to go there, but it would be nice to feel safe.”
Graham walked down the hallway, his arm over Kendle’s shoulder. “Let’s go to bed.”
Chapter 14
Kendle pulled the crisp white sheets back and climbed into Graham’s bed. Her naked body, slender under the covers, was tense. Lying beside him, she knew he wanted more. He wanted to touch her. She wished she wanted him to. He was a decent enough guy. She was growing more comfortable with him, but touching…it still left her cold.
Graham rolled up to his side, placing his head on his hand, and propped himself on his elbow. “Do you think you’ll ever grow to love me?”
“I just met you.”
“Now I sound like the desperate one.”
Kendle flinched. “I’m not desperate.”
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean it that way.” He lifted his hand to her face and gently stroked it. “I hope you’ll grow to want my touch.”
Kendle said nothing. She wanted to be able to return his feelings, his desires. “Me too,” she lied.
“Why don’t you try to get some sleep, and in the morning we’ll talk about how we can help your sister.”
“Okay.”
She didn’t expect to wake up in his arms, but somehow through the night, she’d clung to his body in her sleep. Her head was in the nook of his arm and chest, his arms wrapped around her. On waking, she didn’t pull away. She simply stayed in the warmth his body offered. Graham was still sleeping, holding onto her in his sleep.
Kendle ran her finger over his chest, barely grazing his chest hair. He was an older man, older than her anyway. If she had to guess, she’d guess he was in his mid-to-late forties. Or maybe not, maybe he’d just had a hard life and aged quickly. He had tiny lines around his eyes, and a few strands of silver gray in his hair. He certainly wasn’t fifty yet, but was probably out of his thirties. It was hard to tell. He spoke of his past life as if it was ages ago, but it couldn’t have been that long ago, right?
Touching him as he slept, she could analyze him and slowly become familiar with each arc and curve of his body. His arms were solid and strong, like someone who took care of himself, and his chest broad. His legs were muscled, or at least the one he’d thrown out from under the covers. What if she could learn to love him? They barely knew one another, and yet he wanted more from her. Why? How could he feel things already? They were practically strangers.
What did he see in her eyes? He said he saw something. She figured her eyes were a vacant wasteland. At least that’s
what she saw when she looked in the mirror.
Graham stirred and pulled her closer. Was he awake? She looked up, studying his face. No, it was still too relaxed. Kendle took a finger and slowly traced his lips. Would she want to taste his lips one day, crave him and feel something? Or would he simply be another body? Would she forever be trapped going through the motions, void of feeling?
His warm breath teased her finger. His snore was soft, but steady. Kendle let her finger draw down over his strong chin and back down to his chest. She hadn’t touched somebody like this before, intimately and not afraid. His skin was warm as she continued tracing lower. She stopped at his abdomen and drew a lazy circle around the top of his hip.
Did she dare? Did she dare reach down and touch the sleeping beast? Kendle looked up to him. His eyes were still closed. She took a deep breath and let her fingers wander over the soft brush of hair that surrounded his manhood. It stirred at her touch, gently bobbing a bit, slowly filling with lust. She watched it grow. Kendle brought her fingers lower and traced a testicle, and then drew back up his shaft as it hardened. Would there be a moment where she ached to feel him inside of her?
Being held was more than she ever thought she’d want, but his warm arm around her…she didn’t want him to let go.
Graham stirred. “Hey you,” he whispered. “What’s going on down there?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Don’t apologize. It feels good.”
She couldn’t move. Her hand froze in place. Now that he was aware, it felt odd. Would he read into it, think it was more than it was, her simply exploring?
Graham placed his hand over hers. She felt his pulsing shaft against her palm. Cupping his hand over hers, he felt her relax again. Her fingers wrapped around him gently.
“That a girl,” he whispered. “It feels nice.”
She knew how to please a man. She’d done it so many times before. Was this any different? She could pleasure him, wake him with a smile, but it would be a hollow victory for him. Instead, she was honest. “Can I just touch you? I’m not ready for more.”
“Sure,” he said. There was no disappointment laced through his voice. Kendle was relieved.
