by S. Moose
“Like I said,” I slowly say, “love wasn’t on our side and love still isn’t on our side.”
The explosion in my chest is more than I can handle. I need to maintain my emotions and myself. I can’t break down and let her see the pain I’m feeling. It’s like a thousand knives forcefully slicing my skin until I bleed. The pain turns into numbness and I can see each slash. The sinister smile from the blade laughs in my face; it continues, and I’m useless to fight back.
She takes back her letter and slides it inside her pocket without breaking our connection.
“You owe me an explanation.”
“Come again?” I say to her.
“You heard me.” I don’t miss the sass in her voice. Same old Ashley. “We’re going to talk.”
The words waver between anguish and hurt. “No. I’m done, Ashley.”
I sound like an asshole. I can tell she’s hurting from the way her hands are trembling and the way her eyes are begging me for something. Anything.
“We’re not done.”
Jim, the bartender, makes his way over to us and looks at Ashley. “What can I get ya?”
She looks at my empty beer bottle and the shot glass I didn’t realize was there until she did. I’m guessing it’s from Gunner and Jeff.
“Another round of whiskey,” Ashley says. “Are you staying or going?”
“Going. Enjoy your night and leave me the hell alone,” I slowly say and move away from her.
My heart’s beating wildly, blood pumping hard and fast through my veins. I can’t think straight and shake her out of my system. I hurry out of the bar, rushing to my truck, gasping for air when my hands slam on the door. Fucking Ashley’s back. The other half of my heart’s back.
But will I take her back?
Chapter 2
Ashley
“GET UP, HONEY.” I OPEN my eyes and see my beautiful mama standing beside my bed. For a fifty-seven-year-old woman, she’s a beauty, with long dark brown hair and deep, honey brown eyes like mine. She sits down on the edge of my bed and takes my hand in hers. “It’s almost noon, and I’d like to spend some time with my only daughter.”
“You have a son, too, ya know?” I laugh and sit up, leaning against the headboard of my childhood bed. “Where’s Kemper?”
“He’s out at the Mathews’ ranch for a little bit. I guess he wants to learn more about horses, and Jeff’s been teaching him.”
My older brother, Kemper, went to school for business at Texas A&M for two years, then decided college wasn’t for him. I was a senior in high school when he came home and told Mama he wasn’t going back to school. He knew his heart belonged on the farm in Mason and not in some hoity-toity office at a corporation. He’d rather be in his Wrangler jeans, plaid shirt, and boots than a three-piece suit.
“I’m glad Kemper’s finding his way. Is he still with Jesslyn?”
Mama shakes her head. “He caught that girl cheating on him. It’s been over for a few months now. Kemper didn’t tell you?”
“We haven’t talked in a while.”
Guilt strikes me again.
When I left Mason, seven years ago, not only did I leave Landon; I left my family and friends. I always meant to call, and I did for a little bit, but then my time was being tugged in all directions, and it became harder to keep in touch, so I’d only occasionally call.
“Honey, you need to talk to your brother, but first you need to get up, get ready, and let me take you to lunch. You’re skin and bones. Haven’t you been eating?”
I look away, ashamed.
“Oh, honey.” My mama brings me in for a hug, and for the first time in a while, I welcome her to comfort me and let out seven years’ worth of tears. “That isn’t your life anymore. You don’t need to be this skinny for anyone.”
“I know,” I whisper, and let her squeeze the love into my soul. “It’s hard.”
“I know, honey. That’s why you came back home, because you know I’ll be here to support you and guide you.” She lets me go and kisses my forehead the way she used to when I wasn’t feeling good. “I know the pain and pressure you went through, and it’s going to take some time to heal, but leave those demons at the door and trust that God will help you find yourself again.”
I nod since there’s nothing more I can say.
***
We’re at a cute little café, sitting outside under the warm sun, and I’m listening to her tell me about what she’s been doing with some of the other women in town.
“The festival’s in a few weeks. We’re making so many pies and jams. You can help me get it prepared.”
“Of course, Mama. Whatever you need.”
“Oh, I’m just so glad to have my baby girl home. Do you have plans this evening?”
Before I can answer, a warm hand grips my shoulder. I glance up and gaze into the familiar blue eyes of Ellie Johnson—now Ellie Mathews.
“Oh, my gosh! Hi, Ashley!”
“Hi!” I get up from my chair and throw my arms around her neck and she hugs me back. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her. We let each other go and Ellie says hello to Mama and gives her a hug, too.
“Are you back for good?” she asks me.
I nod in response. “My contract is over and I didn’t want to renew it. I wanted to come back home and get out of the spotlight.”
“That’s wonderful! I have to get going because I’m meeting Gunner for lunch, but let’s get together soon so you can catch me up.” She leans over to hug me again. “Good seeing you.”
“You, too.”
I watch Ellie walk away and then sit back down at the table to continue lunch. For some reason, jealousy claws at my gut and chokes me. Little Ellie found the love of her life, and now she’s glowing, happy, and clearly so in love.
That could’ve been me.
“That Ellie,” Mama says. “She’s done good for herself, especially now that she’s with Gunner.”
I nod and reach over to sip on my drink, trying hard to not think about what could’ve been. I remember seeing that Jeff, Ellie’s older brother, is married, too.
That could’ve been Landon and me.
“Mama?”
“Yes, honey.”
“Do you think I’m selfish? You know, for leaving Mason to chase after my dreams and never coming back to visit or try to win Landon back?”
She sighs and places her hand on top of mine. “Do you want my honest opinion?”
I nod. “Of course. Please, I’m so lost right now.” I’m doing everything I can to hold back the tears.
Last night wasn’t what I expected, but I shouldn’t be surprised. I knew seeing Landon would cause an argument and he’d walk away from me. My leaving and agreeing to be Shawn’s girlfriend was the final nail in our coffin. Right when I signed the non-disclosure agreement for two years to promote his new album and tour, I knew that once Landon saw it splashed all over the news and magazines he wouldn’t have understood.
“I don’t think you should’ve been gone for seven years. Before you signed whatever deal you did, you should’ve thought about what that’d do to Landon, your brother, and myself. You weren’t thinking. All that mattered was you . . .”
“No,” I interrupt her. “That’s not true.”
“Honey, that may be the case, but your actions were perceived in that manner.”
“We had a blowout last night at The Rustic. Mama, he hates me.”
“No, sweet girl. He doesn’t hate you. Landon Fisher loves you completely. When you left . . .” She pauses and I can see her thinking.
“Mama, just say it.”
“After you left, he spent nights in your bedroom. He didn’t talk to me or anyone else about you leaving. He walked around Mason like a lost puppy for so many years.”
I don’t stop the tears from falling. Everything she’s saying is breaking my heart, and I don’t blame Landon for being so upset with me.
Chapter 3
Ashley
WHEN WE GET HOME F
ROM lunch and shopping in Austin, it’s almost late in the evening. Kemper’s not home yet so we’re on the porch, drinking tea, and not saying much. The silence is refreshing. Being outside is helping me think. There isn’t the hustle and bustle of the big city here. It’s peaceful and exactly what I need to cleanse my soul and bring back the girl I used to be.
“Mama?” I call for her, breaking the silence.
“Hmmm?”
“I really need some guidance. Some sort of wisdom you can give me, so I can wrap my head around this.”
She sighs and places the book that she’s reading down on her lap. “What do you want, Ashley?” she asks, while turning to look at me. “Look deep inside your heart and tell me what you want.”
“I want to be happy. I want Landon back.”
“Well,” she begins to say and slows her speech. “You can’t expect to come back home and have things go back to normal. There’s been too many years that have passed and wounds that are reopening.”
“You always told me to fight for the fairy tale because it exists.”
“Yes,” she says and nods. “Yes, fight for the fairy tale, but also realize there will be obstacles standing in your way. The path you now choose will be the one you must live with. This path isn’t going to be easy. You’ll be tested and pushed to your limits. Are you strong enough to handle that?”
“Yes, of course. I understand it won’t be easy,” I tell her. “My path, the one I’m choosing, is to be with Landon. He’s my choice. My forever.”
“Because now it’s convenient for you?”
The question slams into me with force and I’m thrown back against my chair. The truth is dangling in front of me and I must do the hardest thing and accept it.
“You’re right.”
“Mama always knows best. Which, leads me to my next point.”
“Okay?”
“You’re a big girl and I love having you home, but did you ever think it might be time to have your own place again?”
“Wh-what?” I stutter. “Are you kidding me? I just got back into town.”
“No, not kidding. You lived on your own for so long. I’m sure being with your mama isn’t what you want.”
I blink a few times before answering. “It is what I want. Wait, are you trying to kick me out?”
“I’d never do such a thing, Ashley. I’m merely suggesting you should find somewhere else to live, that’s all,” she answers nonchalantly. “The fact that you aren’t where you want to be should be motivation to fight for what you want.”
Holy crap. I’m getting kicked out and I have no idea where to go.
“Landon’s a Southern man. Rae and Arthur taught their son to be a good man. I’m sure he wouldn’t turn you away.”
“Mama?”
“Ashley.”
“No,” I let out and sigh. “Mama, please, you can’t kick me out. I just got back to town and I need to settle a little more. I need a few more days to get my things in order.”
Mama leans in and smiles again. “I’ll give you until tomorrow morning, and I expect you to come back for Sunday dinners.”
“Where am I supposed to go?”
She smiles that wicked smile again and takes a sip of her tea. All the fight is leaving me and I know exactly what she’s doing.
“Remember, Landon’s a Southern gentleman.”
Evil woman.
Chapter 4
Landon
I STAND IN THE SHOWER, letting the hot water calm my aching muscles, and all I can see is Ashley. Fear swallows me whole and I fist my hands on the shower walls. My head hangs and all fight leaves my body. Her smile invades my mind. Her voice repeats in my ears and her presence assaults me, pushing me over the edge. I’m falling, but then the fall slows and I gently land on the rocky ground. Once I’m back on my feet, it’s Ashley who’s standing before me, wearing a beautiful white wedding dress. She’s waiting for me to come to her and be with her forever.
Fuck.
Even after seven years, she still has power over me. I’m still not over her, and I’m doing the same thing I always do. I slam my hand against the bathroom wall. I continue to do this until the shooting pain runs down my forearm.
I fucking hate Ashley for leaving me. And I hate that I’m not living. I’m a ghost of the man I used to be. For years, I’ve been in the shadows, working hard to build my ranch and my rehabilitation center for horses that need care. Every night, I think about Ashley, wondering what she’s doing and whom she’s with. I look her up on her social media accounts and see her smiling or posing with her fans or her ads. She’s breathtakingly beautiful.
Now she’s back in Mason, wanting to talk to me. She wants me to sit there and listen and pretend it’s not killing me to see her again.
I didn’t think our love would spiral out of control the way it did. I thought she’d chase her dream for a little bit, then come home and be with me. Once she got the taste of the city life it became her addiction and she craved more of it. That was what she wanted. She lived her life in the spotlight and traveled the world. There were warning signs everywhere and I chose to ignore each one because I believed our love was stronger than anything in the world.
Then the image of her and Shawn creeps back into my thoughts, attacking me and pulling on every chord of my heart with full force.
I step out of my shower and dry off, quickly getting dressed, and walking downstairs until I’m outside on my deck. It’s late and I can’t sleep. I pull out my phone and hit the Instagram app. Once I’m in, I click on the search function and press on her profile. I’m scrolling through her posts when I catch a quote that says, Sometimes, two people need to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.
The quote stares back at me, egging me to think about it, internalize it, and I allow it to confuse the hell out of me.
She posted that image two days ago.
I scroll through her feed and I don’t see any pictures of her and Shawn. When I Google their names, I see an article from a reputable magazine and the headline screams at me.
Shawn McKay and Ashley Monroe Call it Quits After Two Years.
That article was posted three years ago.
Three fucking years.
I don’t know how I never saw it. I click on the article and it says that the ex-couple had been keeping it silent, and sources say they didn’t want the breakup to be all over the Internet.
My head goes in a million directions. She was letting someone love her, feel her, and cherish her. From what I read previously, it sounded as if they were on their way to getting married.
Now the truth is in my face, waving to gain my attention. It’s shoving the words down my throat.
She’s back.
Without a boyfriend.
Without her career.
She’s back in Mason.
The morning sun comes too soon, and when I’m done checking on the horses, I take Conquest, my horse, out into the deep grass. The sun’s out, not at its highest peak, but out enough where the light touches the fields. Conquest gallops in the pasture and stops when I yank on the reins. I can see my childhood home from where I am. The pain of seeing it there, of remembering all the times we shared, hits me hard.
It’s torture to live here with all the memories of her. But, no matter how much it hurts, I can’t ever leave. Not only is Mason my hometown and my friends are here, I can’t leave behind a place I’ve called home my whole life. I know it’s not healthy to keep all the memories and harbor them in my heart. I’ve been told to let go and move on. It’s easy for someone who isn’t in my shoes to say that. Simply put, I can’t let her go.
Then I remember the night at the bar.
I’ve never yelled at Ashley. Never raised my voice to her. Our relationship was perfect. We got along and knew each other inside and out. We finished each other’s sentences and fit together like we were meant to be.
Seeing her in front of me, throwing that damn letter in my face, and dema
nding to talk, well, I lost it. I feel bad and I wish I could take it back. Then on the other hand, this is what she’s reduced me to. This is the man I am: cold, broken, uncaring, and hurt.
I know everyone deserves a second chance and I should hear her out. Once I do that, who’ll be there for me? Who’ll tell me that I’ll be okay? Or what happens when she leaves again and doesn’t look back? Ashley and I are two strangers standing on our path with a hurdle of hurt and pain. There are unanswered questions, and more than likely these questions may not have an answer. These questions may be too difficult, too arduous, to answer.
The pain cuts deeper again and I’m forcing her out of my head. Out of my thoughts. The only thing I know is, she’s back, and I need to decide what to do.
Chapter 5
Ashley
THE HEARTACHE OF SEEING LANDON stings deeply. His face is on permanent replay. Each time I think about Landon, my hands start shaking and I can’t stop them. Our reunion at the bar is still killing me. I can’t shake him out of my head.
He looked the same—my Whiskey. Yet, I noticed some subtle changes. He’s matured over the past seven years, his body wider and more muscular. The once soft-looking boy was now a hardened man, and it was because of me.
I’m standing in front of the gates to the home he built, taking it all in. It’s that moment I realize this is my dream house. The white house has light-brown shutters and large bay windows in the front, with a balcony off the master bedroom facing the front yard. There are rose bushes all around the garden. The wraparound porch with two rocking chairs catches my attention. I used to dream about sitting in rocking chairs like those with Landon and we’d watch the sun set. No words needed because we would be content in each other’s company.
When I open the gate, and hear it clank behind me, I take in the massive yard with an oak tree and a tire tied to one of the branches.
One of my favorite things to do during summer days with him was to come to the open field and sit underneath the oak tree. It was strange to us that there was one tree in the middle of the field. Since we played on this field when we were younger, we declared it our place.
