by S. Moose
The fire of anger mixed with sadness in his eyes, makes it all too real how my leaving affected my friends. I need him to understand or at least try to.
“All I can say is I’m sorry.”
Memphis nods and I take that as my chance to talk. I tell him about New York City and the years I spent there, and then I tell him why I’m back and why I didn’t sign another contract.
“Are you okay?” he barely lets out.
“If I keep up with my doctor appointments, I’ll be fine.”
“Does Landon know?”
I shake my head.
“You need to tell him, Ash.”
“Phis.” My nickname for him. “I can’t. Not yet. I’m staying with him and I don’t plan on leaving Mason again.” I step closer to him until we’re inches apart. “I missed my best friend.”
Memphis picks me up and hugs me hard. I wrap my arms around his neck and finally let out the tears I’ve been holding in.
“I hope you’re here to stay.”
“I am,” I whisper. “I am.”
Chapter 10
Landon
“MORNING.” ASHLEY SITS DOWN ACROSS from me at the kitchen table and pours herself a cup of coffee from the carafe I have sitting in the middle. She reaches over, takes a slice of toast from my plate, and eats it.
“Help yourself,” I mutter.
“Thank you. So, guess who I saw last night?”
“Who?”
“Phis. He’s back from his trip. We spent all night talking, and then we had to take Leigh and Shelby home because they got a little too drunk. But Phis and I stayed sober. I didn’t even finish my wine.”
I huff, shaking my head. “That’s nice.” I don’t tell her I know what time she got in since I couldn’t sleep until she was in her bedroom.
Even though Mason’s small and everyone’s friendly with one another, you never know what could happen. When three in the morning came around, and the door opened and closed, I went to bed and remained awake until I heard her bedroom door shut. I needed to know she was safe before I found sleep.
“Sounds like a great night. I need to tend to the horses, so I’ll be gone most of the morning and well into the afternoon. Most likely won’t be back until dusk.”
“Can I help you with anything?”
“No.”
“Oh. Okay. Well, I guess I’ll go hang out with Phis or something.”
When she tells me her plans, I get up from the kitchen table and put my plate and mug in the sink. I turn on the faucet, and let the warm water flow through my hands. I’m mindlessly washing my dishes, using the soapy sponge to clean, and staring outside at my land. It’s bringing me some peace to stand here and look outside. My mind plays damn tricks on me, and I picture us on a blanket as we’re having lunch and laughing. She’s throwing her head back and her laughter sounds like music to my ears as it travels through my body and spreads through my heart, imprinting her beautiful sound, and staying there forever. I’m reaching over and touching her face, bringing my lips to hers, and deepening the kiss while entwining my fingers with hers. Our hands fit perfectly. Our lips move together in perfect harmony and the world makes sense.
“When are we going to sit down and really talk? Landon, I’ve been back for over a month and we’re going round and round without stopping.”
Her voice pulls me out of my fantasy. I set the sponge down and shut off the facet.
“Whiskey?”
I don’t miss the exasperation in her voice. I hate the way it’s affecting me. The more she’s around, and the more I hear her voice, the fight in me is losing.
There’s a brief pause and I can hear her gentle breaths.
Then she says, “I really want us to talk. You keep pushing me away and putting me a safe distance from you. I feel like I’m losing here, Whiskey. Am I? Do you even want me here? Because if you don’t; then I’m leaving. I came back to Mason for you. And you aren’t giving me the time of day to explain. I know I hurt you and I know it’s going to take a miracle for you to forgive me.”
Panic.
Fear.
I’m reliving those emotions again. She’s going to leave and I’ll lose her forever. I’m panicking over losing her when I haven’t given her any chances. I’ve shut down.
And now, the possibility of losing her again, punches my chest and I’m thrown back hard.
“Fine. Whiskey, I don’t know what else to do. I love you and I’ll always love you, but I can tell you aren’t going to give me another chance. I’ll pack up and leave today.”
“You’re the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed. I send a prayer up to God every night, praying that He’s watching over you and making sure you’re healthy and happy. Nothing will ever change my love for you.”
“Then why all of this? The silence? The avoidance?” She cries, wrapping her arms around her tiny body.
There’s a moment of silence, but it doesn’t last long.
“I just want you. Only you.” She fidgets with her shirt, and suddenly I realize what she’s wearing.
“Why are you still wearing that?”
I wore it one time before Ashley found it in my closet and put it on. She said it was hers. I wasn’t sure why she picked that one out of all the ones I had. It was a shirt Texas A&M gave me when I went for a visit.
She wore it every day we were together at my house or hers. It was huge on her, but I loved taking it off and spending hours cherishing her body. Whenever she wore it, I went into a caveman state and felt territorial.
“This is my favorite shirt. I sleep in it every night. It’s faded, but I don’t care. I bought your favorite cologne over the years and sprayed it. When I fell asleep, I thought of you and dreamt that we were back together.”
She turns her face away and I can see her wiping the tears. It’s fucking breaking my heart, seeing her like this, and not being able to comfort her. My feet are frozen to the floor.
“I have seven years’ worth of sorry. I wish we’d have another chance. Just one more chance.”
My heart stills. “Please stop crying. You’re killing me.”
Her eyes stay lowered as if seeing me right now will break her. “It’s not easy. Leaving you, being with Shawn, getting that letter, and then coming back and being here with you. Sometimes I want to run away and never come back, but then if I do, I’ll hurt you again. It’ll break me and I’ll never recover from it. I’m so sad, Whiskey. All of this sadness is killing me. I miss you so much. I miss being in your arms. I miss your kisses. I miss it all. I’m tired of missing you, tired of this ache in my heart that only you can heal. This hole I have,” she places her hand on her chest, “this hole won’t fill because you’re the missing piece that I need.”
“I hear what you’re saying. It’s killing me too and I want to trust you and let you in my heart again. Only I can’t. I can’t let go of my anger toward you.”
“Okay. I think I need to give you space. I owe that to you.”
I’m not sure what to say so I nod and let my eyes trail down so I’m looking at the floor and not her.
Chapter 11
Ashley
FOURTEEN HOURS.
Eight hundred forty minutes.
Fifty thousand four hundred seconds.
Time passes and Landon hasn’t reached out to me. My mind’s heavy with regret. Heavy with sadness. I’m not angry or disappointed. Landon needs space to figure things out and I should be fair and give that to him.
Mama doesn’t know what to say to me so she makes me a cup of tea and sets it on the coffee table. I stare at the floral print cup and hate it. The brightness is making me so dizzy with anger that I want to pick it up and throw it across the living room.
My soul’s turning into dust and our song doesn’t play anymore. The pinch in my heart comes back. It’s on a repeating cycle every five minutes. The sting is so fierce and I feel it. I feel every pure hell. Yet, I welcome it. It’s telling me I’m still alive an
d I need to figure out what I’m going to do. The more I’m sitting here, away from Whiskey, the emptier and more scared I become.
My phone vibrates and I quickly check it. The text message is from Memphis, asking if he can come over.
Me: Actually, can I come over?
Memphis: Yeah, of course.
Me: Can you do me a favor?
Memphis: Anything for you.
Me: Can you go to Landon’s and pack some of my things? Kemper’s going over there tomorrow to get the rest of my clothes, but I need some stuff now.
Memphis: Sure thing, doll face. Anything else?
Me: Make sure you have everything that’ll cure a broken mess.
Memphis: I got you, girl.
An hour later, I’m sitting with Memphis on his leather couch, watching reality TV, sharing a plate of French fries smothered in ranch, cheddar cheese, and bacon. Both of us have a beer and I’m pretty sure this is my . . . third . . . no, fourth one. Yes, I, Ashley Monroe, am most likely tipsy on my fourth . . . no . . . going on my fifth beer.
“Wooooo!” I cheer and shove more fries in my mouth.
Memphis yanks the plate away and tries to grab the beer bottle, but I’m faster and chug it down. When I put the empty beer bottle down, he swats my hand and shakes his head.
“What? Phis, give me another beer. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve vegged out? I had to count calories and never ate anything fried or with sugar. My diet was strict as hell and now that it’s not, you better give me another beer and make more fries. Oh God, these are so good.”
“I don’t think so, honey.”
“Don’t honey me!” I yell and push him so that I can get up from the couch and try to walk. The room’s a little busy and I slowly sit back down. “You never told me what Landon said when you went to get my things.”
“He asked how you’re doing. I told him we’re getting together tonight with food to make you feel better. He smiled, but I know that he misses you.”
“How do you know that?” I spit out.
“First, he’s one of my best friends, and second, anyone can see how much he loves you. You’re doing the right thing by giving him space and time.”
“I’m trying,” I whisper and play with strands of my hair to keep my hands busy. “How much time should I give him?”
Memphis doesn’t answer right away until he puts away his phone and nods. “Why don’t you get ready, so I can take you out? Leigh and Shelby are at the bar so we could meet them there, or later tonight at the diner.”
“Let’s go to the bar,” I mutter, getting up and grabbing my bag by the door.
Earlier, Memphis went to Landon’s and packed what he thought I’d want. Asshole doesn’t give me a variety and I have only three outfits, all my pj’s, underwear, and bras, at least I can look somewhat decent. Part of me hopes Landon will be there, and the other part hopes I won’t see him. It’ll be too hard to see him this soon. I need time to figure things out and come up with another plan. If one is possible.
After we get ready, Memphis puts his arm around my shoulders and kisses the side of my head. “It’s going to be all right.”
“Whatever you say.”
“Don’t have that attitude, Ash. You’re not putting yourself in his shoes. All that you’re thinking about is yourself and what you want.”
When people say the truth hurts, they’re right. It stings to hear how selfish I’ve been. I’m the one who left, and I’m the one who’s invading his space and trying to push myself back into his life.
“What do you think I should do?”
Memphis takes a moment to think, scratching his chin and being overly dramatic with his thinking gestures. “Maybe try being his”—intense pause—”friend.”
“Right. Friend. I can do that.”
For some reason this makes Memphis laugh, so I punch his arm and grab his beer from his hand. After finishing it, I see him looking at me.
“What?”
“We need to come up with a better plan for you. Mission get Landon Fisher back. But, this will only work if you give him space.”
“Space. Okay. I can do that.”
“Really?” He hurries up and grabs me by the arms so we’re facing each other. “So, I didn’t want to tell you this, but Leigh texted me, and she said Landon’s at the bar . . .” He pauses and I’m about to fall apart because I have a feeling I know what he’s about to say based on his tone and expression. “With Magnolia.”
Chapter 12
Ashley
FIFTEEN MINUTES.
That’s all it takes before I’m standing in the bar, watching Magnolia touching Whiskey’s back. He’s not close to her and I can see the tension in his body. With so many people here, and Magnolia’s jerk face cousin, McCarthy, here with his friends, I know he’s being polite and doesn’t ask her to move away.
“Whiskey,” I say and when he turns around, Magnolia does, too.
“Ashley?” She snickers. “What are you doing back here? Couldn’t cut it as a model?”
“Oh, suck it, Magnolia. You know damn well I did and put my mark in the modeling and fashion world.”
“What can I get ya, Miss Ashley?” Kenny, the bartender and owner, says while smiling. “You look like you need something stiff.”
I look at the glass Landon’s holding and know exactly what he’s drinking.
“Another round of Whiskey.” I smile and wink at Landon before looking at Memphis, waiting for him to give me the okay to keep going. “Another round of Whiskey,” I repeat, and this time I’m looking right at Landon.
Kenny nods and gets to it with our drinks.
“So,” Magnolia starts to say, “were you a plus-sized model? I don’t recall seeing you in anything nice. I’m sure the big designers didn’t want you so they suggested you go be a model with those big girls.”
I’ve never punched a girl, but tonight might be an exception.
“This isn’t fat, Magnolia. I have curves and muscle.” I lift my shirt and point to my abs. “See? Tone. Fit. Zero body fat. And yes, the big designers loved me so much they did anything and everything I wanted. I even helped create a new winter line. You’ll love it.”
I finish talking to her and turn to Whiskey. He’s laughing and shaking his head, while taking a drink.
When Kenny sets down our drinks, I slide one to Landon, hand one to Memphis and take the other one. Thank goodness he only served us three and forgot about Magnolia.
“To second chances and another round!” I shout and lift my glass. Both the guys do the same.
After we take the shots, Memphis tries to distract Magnolia by asking her about the upcoming festival and if there’s anything he can do to help her. She eats it up and forgets Landon’s with me. I take the chance and I jump in to get my man back.
“So, Magnolia, huh?” I joke.
“It’s not what you’re thinking, so don’t get started.”
I act coy and flash him an innocent smile. “I’m not thinking anything, babe.” I wink and Kenny hands me a glass of sweet tea. “If she’s what you want then go for it. I approve.”
He huffs and takes a drink of his beer. “You look beautiful,” he mutters.
I don’t miss the lustful tone in his words. Maybe I’ll have to thank Memphis for picking out my favorite jeans and crop top.
“Memphis came over today, but you already know that.”
“I do.”
He turns to look at me and smiles. “I didn’t want you to move out, Ashley.”
“I know, babe. I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere. I have to be fair and give you space.”
“Space,” he repeats and tears his eyes away from me.
The song currently playing ends and a soft melody comes on. Right at that moment, I look at Whiskey and he’s looking back at me. This used to be our song.
“It’s Your Love” by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill was playing when he first kissed me. We proclaimed that song as ours, and somehow it played duri
ng the most important stages of our relationship.
“Dance with me,” I tell him instead of asking. When he doesn’t answer, I pull him from the bar and he doesn’t fight me.
We move to the center of the dance floor and I wrap my arms around his waist, holding him tight, and he’s doing the same. It doesn’t take long until we’re moving together like we used to before. Landon pulls me closer and I rest my forehead against his chest, afraid to look up. The emotions are running so deep in my heart and soul that I’m scared once I look at him, they’ll go away.
The song ends and Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood’s song, “Remind Me” plays.
“Being with you right here reminds me how you felt in my arms.” He sucks in a breath and trains his eyes on me. “All I want is for you to understand where I’m coming from. I appreciate the space you’re giving me, but that’s not what I want.”
“Then why didn’t you stop me?”
“Because letting you go now will be easier than later.”
I sigh and cup his face. “I am not leaving, Landon,” I tell him and emphasize each word. “This is my home. You are my home.”
I hear the shuddering sigh and gently pull his head down so our foreheads are touching.
“I’m sorry for coming back into your life like a hurricane. That wasn’t fair for you, so I’m going to take a stand and let you know that you’re my friend. My best friend. You know exactly how I feel and who has my heart. When you’re ready, I’m here for you.”
A slow smile comes on his face. “Don’t go to Memphis’ tonight. Come back with me so we can figure this out.”
“Okay.”
The song ends just as a fast beat song plays and Landon places his hand on the small of my back and leads me out the bar.
***
The week goes by, and since that night of our dance, I’ve been in Landon’s bed and waking up wrapped in his arms. We’re not having sex and keeping things very friendly. Each night when we’re in bed, we talk, really talk, and I tell him about New York City. He listens to everything I’m telling him and asks questions, wanting to know every detail. Then he tells me about his passion for horses and his dream of expanding his rehabilitation farm.
