My grip on the door loosens, my mouth parting with a gasp. Did he just say what I think he said? I shake my head frantically side to side. I don’t want to hear those words.
“There’s no need for you to lie to me. I don’t need your sympathy or your fake words…”
I’m about to rant on when he rushes to me, gripping my arms with his hands, holding me in place. I avert my gaze, because I don’t want to look into the eyes of the man who killed my brother and feel nothing but adoration.
“Do you know how fucking hard it was for me to let you get walked all over by your brother who did nothing but manipulate you and trap you? All your life, your family has done nothing but take, take, take, and you have been on the receiving end every single time!”
A feral scream rips through my body as I push his arms away from me. I pace the room, Charlie’s eyes pinned on me the whole time. I feel shame. Nothing but shame and disgust for what I have become. And the worst part about it is Charlie feels sorry for me?
“I chose to be with Chris. I made that decision. You think I’m the innocent party in all of this, but I’m not. I slept with my brother night after night, comforting him when he screamed through his nightmares, being close to him in every way a sister should but also wanting him in every way a sister shouldn’t. I’m fucked in the head and sick. I was disgusted with myself day after day and night after night, but I still went to him. I still craved his touch, I still wanted his cock inside of me. What the fuck does that say about me, huh?!” I slap my chest, my torture spilling out and laying bare for Charlie to see. Charlie closes the distance between us, but I step back. How can he want to be near me after admitting such repulsive truths?
“You think you’re guilty, but the fact that you feel disgust for what you were doing speaks volumes, don’t you understand that?” I part my lips, about to tell him how wrong he is, when he carries on speaking. “Bri, you were a kid when you were abused day after day by your uncle. You were brought up being made to feel that it was perfectly normal to go to him and give him what he desired in order to feed yourself. Is it any surprise that when you got your brother back, that you sought comfort in his arms too? You only ever wanted to be loved, and in your mind’s eye, you thought you’d get that from the one and only person who had been a constant in your life. The one person who you relied upon as a kid growing up. The one person who missed being there for you when you needed him the most.”
“Please stop,” I whisper, not wanting to hear any of this. “There is no justification for my actions. None.”
“For fuck’s sake, Bri, you’re the victim here. All your life, you’ve been neglected and abused. You had no one but Chris to rely upon, and even he abused you and the trust you shared as brother and sister.”
“Don’t you fucking talk about him like that. He was everything to me!” I scream.
Charlie’s eyes flare as he sucks in an angry breath. “And yet you sought affection in another man’s arms. You sought affection in my arms because you knew deep down that you could never live a normal life with Chris, but you could with me. You were desperate for normality—desperate for me to take you away from the emotional pain you went through day by day because you knew what was happening between you two was wrong.”
Turning my head away in shame, I close my eyes. I want to scream and shout at him, tell him how wrong he is, but how can I when every single word coming out of this mouth is nothing but truth?
“We could never have been truly happy together,” I whisper, my whole body exhausted.
“Yes, but at times, we were, weren’t we? And I believe you sought that despite knowing it may break your heart in the process.”
I grip my eyes shut, the pain of what I’m about to admit tearing away at my heart. “After his death, I came back home, and I looked around the empty space, knowing Chris will never fill it again.” I glance around the living room, my gut clenching. “Do you know what feeling came to me in that precise moment?” I lock my eyes with his, finding eagerness to know the answer shining through them. “Relief.” A small laugh escapes my lips. “Can you believe that? I felt relief that my brother was dead. Do you know how fucked up that is? Do you not realise just how messed up I am in the head, knowing that I felt that way? I mean, what kind of person does that make me?”
Charlie tentatively steps forward, and when I don’t move, he steps forward again until he’s within reaching distance. He places a finger under my chin, lifting my head up to him. “It means that you were locked up in a cage, but now you are free.”
I shrug my shoulders. “But for how long, though?” An angry thought flicks through my mind. “So many occasions I have sought help from the police, and they let me down every time. It’s kind of ironic that I’m now on their radar, isn’t it?”
Charlie narrows his eyes, irritation mirroring my own. “They haven’t got shit on you, Bri. Although you were with Chris, you had nothing to do with his criminal lifestyle. All you need to do is stand your ground. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
I laugh. “Yes, and the funny thing is, even after all that’s happened, I believe you. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that they will stop at nothing until they find something on me, and they certainly won’t let you stand in the way of getting their justice. I was there when Chris killed Brandon and those little shitheads. I was there when we went to Spain, and the guys shipped all that stash from Morocco that they placed in the warehouse your lot raided. I may not have known it at the time, but I quickly found out when the Spanish national guard boarded the boat and Chris bribed them right in front of my eyes. I was complicit.”
Charlie grabs me by the arms again, holding me in place. “They don’t know that, and I’m certainly not about to tell them.”
It’s then something dawns on me. My eyes widen with awareness. “You killed for me. You’re a copper, and you killed for me…”
“Yes, and I would do it all over again if it meant keeping you safe. You have to believe me. I may have been your enemy once. I may have even hated you once, but the realisation that you are the most beautiful woman on the inside as you are on the outside quickly changed all that.”
I roll my eyes. “How cliché.”
Charlie laughs, loosening his touch and placing his hands back by his sides, shocking me at the loss I feel when he does.
“I guess clichés are the best way to get your point across at times.” We both fall silent a moment. “I watched you today… at the funeral.” My eyes snap up to his questioningly. “I wasn’t sure how you would react to me being there, so I kept my distance. You have no idea how fucking hard it was to watch you bury your brother all on your own, that lost look on your face nearly killed me. I almost ran over to be with you and hold your hand, but I didn’t know how you would react to me being there, so my feet stayed cemented to the ground, hiding behind a tree like a deranged stalker.”
Something else dawns on me as he speaks, causing a slight smile to arch my lips. “You could never be with me because of your line of work, not because you didn’t want me.” A bit presumptuous of me to say, but in my heart, I feel it to be true.
“Yes,” he replies, his response exhaled in a relieved breath. “The amount of times I wanted to tell you everything, take you in my arms and ask that you run away with me, were immense. Selfishly, I wanted you to choose me, knowing full well I couldn’t be with you in that way. There really is no competition when it comes to family, but that still didn’t stop me from wanting you all to myself, fuck the consequences.”
I swallow, my heart pounding in my chest. Chris may no longer be here, but that still doesn’t take away the fact that Charlie is a police officer, and I would never, ever ask him to choose me over his life’s work.
“I would never expect you to give up your whole career for me.”
Charlie closes the distance between us, cupping my head in his hands—something he’d done often during our last few weeks together, and I love him for it. It makes me
feel like I’m the most precious gem, delicately held in his possession and handled with the utmost care.
“And that’s what makes you so special. You want so passionately, but you never expect anything. If I asked you now what it is that you want, what would you say?”
My eyes fill with tears as my head screams at me to yell everything that my heart desires. In an ideal world, my brother would be alive, the life we shared as a couple gone, and I would be Charlie’s forever. But like everything in this world, it’s not as simple as that. Charlie was investigating us, I was with my brother in a way I shouldn’t have been, and to top it off, I’m now in the arms of the man who killed him.
The ultimate betrayal.
But my heart wants what it wants, and I owe myself the luxury of being selfish. Just for tonight. That’s all I can ever ask for. So when I open my mouth to answer his question, the truth—in so many forms—comes rushing out.
“You.”
Charlie’s eyes become hooded, his breath ragged, as he leans forward, gently touching my lips with his. “You have me, Bri. You have all of me.”
His words punch at my heart, my body quivering with the need to be in his embrace. I race to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, pressing him to my body in a feral kiss. Charlie growls into my mouth, setting off fireworks in my belly.
“I want you inside me,” I whisper, hot and heavy into his mouth.
“I want to be inside you. Fuck, Bri, if I never had anything else, I would die a happy man.”
I press his lips to mine again, my tongue dancing with his in the most passionate kiss. His hands slide from my head down to my lower back, pressing me into his hardness. I hiss my pleasure, causing Charlie to moan. I jump into his arms, straddling his waist, dry humping him the moment he captures me.
“Where?” he commands, his feet moving before I can answer him.
“There,” I reply, pointing towards the spare bedroom. There’s no way I’m taking him into the room Chris and I used to share. That would be all kinds of levels of fucked up.
The boot of Charlie’s foot kicks the door open, bashing it against its frame, the vibration lasting long after Charlie bounces us both on the bed, our mouths meshing in a frenzied kiss.
We’re a mess of arms and legs, both of us yanking at each other’s clothes, desperate to get the other naked. Charlie’s shoes go first, followed by his jacket, then shirt, his bare, dark chest heaving and calling for me to touch it. I look up at him with hungry eyes before pulling my t-shirt over my head. I unhook my bra, letting it fall down my arms, desire swimming inside me at the hungered look he greets my breasts with. Leaning over me, Charlie hooks his fingers at the hem of my sweatpants, pulling them down along with my knickers. I’m fully naked, fully bare, fully vulnerable… and I haven’t felt this free in weeks. I part my legs, all the while Charlie is watching my every move. He’s yet to take his jeans off, but after baring all to him, he doesn’t need any coaxing. They’re off in a flash, his fists kneeling against the mattress, his frame hovering over me like a lion about to pounce on its prey. Our eyes lock, staying that way the whole time as I slide up the bed towards the pillows while Charlie crawls over me. Then I’m trapped, taken into his arms as he presses his hardened frame against mine. His lips place feather sweet kisses along my jawline as my fingers trail from his upper back until they meet his impressive, taut arse. I squeeze him to me, loving the reaction he gives me when he growls into my mouth.
“Charlie, please,” I beg, needing more.
As if his cock knows what I want, it seeks out my entrance, sliding its way in. We both moan, our breaths hitting each other as he starts to move inside of me.
“I fucking love the feel of you around my cock. It’s like your pussy was made for me. Fucking perfect,” he groans, sliding into me again.
I throw my head back into the pillow, my eyes closing, my moans echoing off the walls. He feels incredible, and I tell him so as he makes love to me. And he does make love to me. For the first time in my life, this act between male and female feels as natural and as right as it should be. I don’t feel any guilt. And I won’t feel disgust later. All I feel is love.
Pretty soon, I am swimming on that high, loving every single thrust he gives. We come together, shuddering in each other’s arms, completely open and completely exposed. But I know I’m safe. I will always be safe with Charlie.
“I need to ask you something that’s been bothering me,” Charlie says as he’s stroking my hair.
Intrigued, I reply, “Go on.”
“I don’t want to bring up bad shit, but I need to ask you why you didn’t tell Chris about your uncle? If he had known, he could have—”
“Done something about it?” I complete for him.
“Yes.”
I sigh, my fingers trailing a line across his bare arm which lies across my chest. “I didn’t want any more murders on Chris’s mounting list, but that’s not the main reason. Chris’s mental state has always been my top priority, and if he had known when he joined the army that he had left me in the arms of an abuser, he would never have forgiven himself. I think knowing that would have killed him.”
“So you protected his mental well-being at the cost of your own?”
I grip my eyes shut, willing the torture of it all to disappear. “In a nutshell, yes.”
“Oh, Bri,” he sighs, tugging me to him.
“I know, I was a martyr.” He kisses the top of my head, a gesture that warms my belly.
“No, you were a loving sister.”
Tears prick my eyes as he continues to hold me. At some point later, we fall asleep, waking only to make love again. When dawn arrives, I lie there for a moment, allowing myself five minutes to watch him sleep—creating a memory that I can cherish forever.
When I know I can’t stay any longer without Charlie possibly waking up and catching me, I carefully and quietly slip out of bed and get dressed. When I’m about ready to leave, I falter, staring at the spare bedroom door. I can’t leave without saying something.
Quickly grabbing a pen and piece of paper, I scribble down five words. Five words that will hopefully explain why I’m running away.
I have nothing to lose.
I place the pen on top of the paper before grabbing my bag and slipping out the door and down the lift to my rental car. I purposefully left two days ago dressed in a black, short wig, baseball cap, and loose jeans that made me look like a boy, then headed for the nearest car hire place. There, I used one of Chris’s fake credit cards and rented a little Fiat 500. I’ve had two weeks to plan all this and two weeks to enact my plan of escape. If Chris couldn’t live out his dream, then I will live mine out for him.
Just like I’d pinky promised.
I load the car up with all my things then take out the baseball cap and place it on before I drive out of the car park. It’s still dark, but there is the faintest of light peeking through the sky, alerting me that I need to get a move on.
I drive to car rental lot, my heart heavy with every mile that’s placed between me and Charlie. With every mile that’s placed between me and Chris’s gravesite.
Eventually, I pull into the car rental drop-off area, and as I’m the only one here, the guy comes out quickly, checking the car. After this, I sign a form and then I’m quickly on my way with my suitcase and bag in tow to hail a cab to take me to Green Park Station.
I offer the cab driver a twenty to wait outside for me then I quickly run into the storage shop next to the station. Once I find locker 316, I take a deep breath, pulling out the key from my jumper and staring at it a second before placing it in the lock. All that’s inside is a holdall bag. Despite wanting desperately to look inside it, I simply grab it, locking the door behind me, and leave to get back inside my taxi. Once inside, I ask him to take me to Heathrow airport.
We pass by all the familiar London streets, the place I have called home since I was born, feeling sad knowing I will probably never see them again. The pavements are fillin
g up now that it’s lighter, the street cleaners out power-hosing down the mess people made the day before, newspaper vans dropping off their deliveries to all the local newsagents. Although I am leaving, life in London still goes on, and I take in as much as I can, knowing it will be my last chance to.
During my journey towards Heathrow, I allow myself to shed a couple of tears. Despite my crappy start in life, I will miss this place. With all the bad, there has also been some good. It was the place I found my perfect job, the place I met some great people, and it’s the place that brought me Charlie—the one and only man I ever fell in love with.
A sad smile pulls up on my lips as I think about leaving Charlie. Without me in his life, he can move on, find someone worthy to marry and have kids with. It fucking hurts like hell that it won’t be me, but as the famous saying goes, if you love someone, let them go.
This is me, letting him go.
One year ago - The decision that changed everything.
Chris has been home for a few weeks now, but he in no way the Chris I’ve always known. The Chris I knew seems to have died long ago in Afghanistan. The Chris I knew and loved is long gone, and strangely, I find myself mourning his death. Strange because he’s here beside me now, breathing deeply in sleep.
It’s in these quiet, reflective moments as I stare at the ceiling when my mind dances back to a world that once was. The world where my brother used to make me cheese and ham toasties as a treat when he could steal the ingredients we needed. Or when he managed to steal a couple of quid and he’d take me to the shop to buy me cola bottle sweets. Because anyone who eats cola bottles knows how much they rock. I used to get a huge high on them as a kid when Chris used to be able to grab what little money we had left for food and drink before our mum drank it all. It was in those moments when he used to take me to get sweets, where we would skip—well I would—to the park, and he would tell me funny stories about his mates trying to chat up girls, or how they’d started smoking because they thought they looked hard, that I would see that glint in his eyes. Those few precious moments of happiness shining through them like a beacon of light calling to me. I would be transfixed in those moments. It may not sound like a lot, but those moments meant everything to me. My brother was all I had.
Tainted Love Page 26
