by T. M. Logan
Stories that turned out to be untrue. Malicious lies, circulated by an old flame with an agenda of her own, someone I’d never even met.
But malicious or not, the effect had been catastrophic. When Rowan confronted him with her explosive accusation, their marriage had unravelled in spectacular fashion. Henry, a faithful husband driven away by his wife’s mistrust, eventually sliding into the very affair of which he had been innocent before Rowan confronted him.
They separated three months later.
‘I wanted to say sorry again, Rowan,’ I said. ‘For what happened with Henry, the way it happened. I shouldn’t have done what I did.’
‘Nonsense. You did what you thought was right at the time.’
‘I should have known, should have found out before I told you.’
She leaned forward, put a hand on my arm. ‘It was up to me what I did with that information, and up to him how he reacted. It wasn’t your fault, you were just the messenger. Anyway, it was probably for the best.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Henry didn’t actually want children, not really. So if I was still with him today, I wouldn’t have Odette.’
‘That’s one way of looking at it, I suppose.’
‘You’re worried about history repeating itself, aren’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Terrified.’
I had been wrong before. I couldn’t afford to be wrong again.
51
The house was eerily quiet when we returned from the village. Sean, Russ and Izzy had taken the girls to a craft market in the nearby village of Murviel-lès-Béziers, while Alistair had volunteered to stay behind at the villa and look after the boys. But there was no sign of them when we got back. I checked the garden and the pool area, the gazebo and the games room. All deserted.
Eventually, I found Daniel alone in his bedroom. He was on his bed, lying with his back to me as I came in.
‘Daniel?’
‘Hi,’ he said, without turning around.
‘What have you been up to? You OK?’
‘Hmm.’
I went around to the bed and sat down. ‘Wow, looks like you’ve nearly finished your book, we’ll have to—’
I stopped, putting a hand to my mouth. There were cuts and grazes up his forearms, dirt and blood on his knees and shins. More dirt caked under his fingernails and on the front of his shorts. A smear of blood on his chin, his eyes red from crying. His favourite Harry Potter T-shirt was ripped at the neckline and under the arm was a long tear that went almost to his waist.
He looked as if he had been in a fight.
‘What on earth happened to you, Daniel? Are you all right?’
‘Fine.’
‘You look as if you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. How did you get these cuts?’
‘Fell down.’
‘Where?’
‘Outside.’
‘Oh dear, you really are in a bit of a state. Sit up a minute and let me get a proper look at you.’
He did as he was told and I gave him a quick check to see if anything was sprained or broken.
‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Let’s get you sorted out.’
I took him into our bathroom and washed some of the dirt off with a flannel, cleaning his cuts and scratches and dabbing on antiseptic with my fingertips. His T-shirt was beyond saving.
He stood, blank-faced and silent, while I worked.
‘Are you going to tell me how you got these cuts?’
‘Told you,’ he said, eyes downcast. ‘Fell over.’
‘Were you with Jake and Ethan?’
He hesitated. Then, ‘They made me promise not to tell.’
‘Who?’
His voice so quiet it was almost inaudible, he said, ‘The boys.’
‘And where are they now?’
‘Dunno.’
‘Aren’t you all friends?’
‘They said I couldn’t play with them any more, and they went off somewhere.’
‘They left you here on your own?’
He nodded miserably, the sharp tang of Savlon making him wrinkle his nose.
I sat him down on the edge of the bathtub.
‘What happened, Daniel?’
‘When I fell down I was a bit upset, so Ethan got cross and then he said him and Jake were going out somewhere and I thought they meant they were just going outside, like hide-and-seek or something, so I went out to look for them in the garden but I couldn’t find them. I looked for ages but I couldn’t find them and I thought maybe they’d gone out in one of the cars. I looked everywhere.’ His voice dropped. ‘But I couldn’t find anyone.’
‘What about Alistair?’
‘Didn’t know where he was.’
My worry turned to anger.
‘You couldn’t find him either?’
‘No. I ran around everywhere but it was like everyone had just left without me and I was all on my own and everyone had forgotten about me. I got scared then, so I went to my room and looked out of the window for someone to come back. Then I read my book. I was a bit sad.’
‘Alistair was supposed to be here, looking after you.’
He gave a little nod but still wouldn’t look at me.
‘I thought . . .’ He tailed off, his voice growing quieter still.
‘What did you think, darling?’
‘I thought everyone had gone home without me. Back to England. Just left me here on my own in the holiday house and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Like what happens to Kevin in Home Alone, but kind of the other way around.’
I smiled and shook my head. Home Alone was one of his favourite films.
‘You silly sausage! We’d never leave you all alone. I would never leave you.’
‘Are you cross, Mummy?’
‘A bit,’ I said, giving him a hug. ‘But not with you.’
‘Will Jake and Ethan be in trouble?’
‘It’s not fair to go off and play without you so I need to find out why they left you on your own, and where Alistair was.’
He stiffened.
‘Mum! Please don’t! Jake’ll know that I told you even though I promised not to tell.’
‘Then I’ll talk to Jennifer.’
‘Please, Mum.’ His voice cracked and I could tell he was on the verge of tears. ‘I just want to go home. I don’t like it here any more. I don’t like the holiday house. It started off being really cool but now it’s just horrible.’
‘We’re going home on Saturday, Daniel. It’s only a few days. In the meantime, perhaps steer clear of the bigger boys and stay near the villa.’ I looked away. ‘Play with your dad, OK?’
‘What if something else bad happens?’
‘Nothing else bad is going to happen, Daniel. I promise.’
He sat, twisting his hands in his lap. He wouldn’t look at me.
‘Just want to go home,’ he said in a small voice. ‘Back to our normal house, with our normal things.’
I gave him another hug and kissed the top of his head.
‘Soon.’
‘Promise you won’t tell Jake and Ethan?’
‘I promise.’
I handed him a clean T-shirt to wear.
‘Where’s my Harry Potter T-shirt, Mum?’
‘It’s ruined, Daniel, I had to throw it away.’
His face crumpled again. ‘Please can you try to mend it?’
‘It’s all ripped up the side. I’ll get you another one.’
‘Please?’ He looked up at me with his big blue eyes. ‘It’s my favourite.’
‘Well . . .’
‘Please?’
I stood up.
‘All right. If Jennifer has bought a sewing kit I’ll see what I can do.’
I went to the pedal bin in the corner to fish out his T-shirt and was about to let the lid fall again when something caught my eye beneath it. It was one of those things that you recognise instantly – even if you haven’t held one in your hands for a decade or more.
I lifted it out of the bin, turning it over in my hand. Dizziness clouded my vision for a moment. This was . . . No, I didn’t have the headspace to think about this right now, to even consider the implications of it. There was too much going on already, too many plates spinning. Too much worry and suspicion and fear. I slipped it into the back pocket of my jeans.
Just a piece of generic white plastic with a singular purpose.
But what on earth was it doing here?
I needed to ask Lucy as soon as she got back.
52
I found Jennifer out on the balcony, looking down into the vineyard.
‘Jennifer, can I talk to you?’
She turned and gave me a sympathetic smile.
‘Sure. Is everything all right?’
‘Perhaps we could go somewhere a bit more private?
‘Of course.’
She followed me down the outdoor steps and into the garden, the grass soft beneath my feet. We sat at either end of a bench made of clean white stone.
‘I don’t want to make a big deal out of this, Jen, but apparently the three boys had a big falling-out this afternoon. All a bit of a shame, really. Daniel said they left him alone in the house, and he also thinks . . .’ I hesitated, knowing I was on shakier ground now. ‘He said something else as well.’
‘What?’
‘He couldn’t be sure, but he thinks they might have gone off in your hire car. For a drive.’
Jennifer frowned.
‘A drive?’
‘He couldn’t find them anywhere, and he said he was in his room when he heard a car pull up on the drive, and then Jake and Ethan walked in.’
‘He heard a car?’
‘That’s what he said.’
‘Didn’t see anything?’
‘No. His bedroom looks out over the garden, rather than the drive.’
‘Hmm,’ Jennifer said. ‘Well, that doesn’t sound like the sort of thing that Jake and Ethan would do. Jake’s far too young to drive, for a start. It doesn’t sound like my boys at all.’
Yes it does, I thought, wondering how she could claim to be so unaware of what her sons were like. It sounds exactly like your boys.
‘Can you raise it with him? With Jake?’
‘That’s not a good idea.’
‘Why not? You can’t have him driving around the French countryside. Who knows what might have happened.’
‘The truth is, he gets very upset sometimes when he feels he’s in trouble. Very upset. Especially when he’s accused of something he hasn’t done.’
‘I understand that.’
‘And he didn’t do what Daniel’s saying.’ Her voice was quite firm, no room for manoeuvre. ‘He didn’t do those things.’
‘Daniel was quite specific—’
‘He’s mistaken. I’m sure Daniel was upset, and I’m very sorry about that, but I’m absolutely certain that my boy didn’t do what he’s saying. This estate is a very big place, there must be a hundred hiding places here. It sounds like a game of hide-and-seek that just got a bit out of hand.’
‘All the same, could you ask him? See what he says? Daniel was really very upset when he thought he’d been abandoned – he couldn’t find Alistair either.’
‘Like I said,’ she replied, her voice taking on a harder tone, ‘he doesn’t take it well when he gets accused of things.’
‘And like I said, Daniel was quite specific.’
She hesitated, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.
‘I need to tell you something. So you understand.’
‘OK.’
‘You have to promise it won’t go any further. Not even Sean. Especially not your children.’
‘Of course.’
‘I’m only going to tell you this because you’re my dear friend, and I want you to understand.’
I thought about Alistair by the pool, looking at Lucy’s social media accounts. I wondered if she was about to tell me something about him – that she knew he was doing it and would speak to him. Perhaps he’d been doing it for years.
But it wasn’t her husband she wanted to tell me about.
‘Do you remember last year, when Jake had encephalitis?’
I nodded. ‘He’s fine now, though, isn’t he?’
She smiled a sad little smile and looked at the ground. ‘Most of the time, yes.’
‘And he’s got so tall this past year, I can’t believe he’s already overtaken—’
‘It wasn’t encephalitis.’
I waited for a moment, thinking I’d not heard her right. ‘He was misdiagnosed, you mean?’
‘No.’
‘I don’t understand, Jennifer.’
‘That was just what we told people. We didn’t want him to be stigmatised.’
She looked away, across the garden, tears in her eyes. I waited for her to continue, but she seemed to have lost her words.
I put a hand on her arm. ‘It’s OK.’
She looked back at me, then over to the villa, checking again that no one else was within earshot.
‘The real reason was that he had to go away from us for a little while, for some treatment.’ A tear spilled down her cheek. ‘He was going to hurt himself, Kate. You can’t understand if it’s never happened to you, but we had an argument one day, seemed like nothing out of the ordinary, just something silly about tidying his room, which he never seemed to want to do. But he reacted like – like I’d accused him of a terrible crime. He went nuclear. And then I found him sitting on his window ledge, and you know his bedroom is two storeys up, right?’
I nodded. ‘The attic room.’
‘Took me two hours to persuade him not to jump, and every single second my heart was in my throat. I didn’t sleep for three nights after that. The next week he did it again, and the week after that we found him wandering up the railway track behind our house. It was awful, just the most awful thing imaginable. Every day worrying about what he would do next. Worrying about a phone call, or a visit from the police – or worse. We grounded him, but he just went out anyway, so we tried locking him in but he always found a way out. You can’t keep your child prisoner in his own home, especially when he’s bigger than either of us.’ Her voice dropped again, until it was barely above a whisper. ‘Eventually we got so scared that . . .’ Her voice tailed off.
I waited for her to continue.
‘What happened, Jen?’
She wiped a tear away. ‘We had him – we had him sectioned. So he could be treated.’
‘My God, Jen, I had no idea this was all going on!’ I hugged her, rubbing her back. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘We didn’t tell anyone. The doctors spent a lot of time with him and eventually he was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder – impulsive behaviour, risk-taking, emotional outbursts, yada yada yada. Although I believe that’s mostly garbage,’ she added hastily. ‘We knew he’d been getting in trouble at school, too – fighting and stealing and skipping lessons. That’s why we moved him and his brother to Lucy’s school.’
The memory came back to me: she had said Jake and Ethan were being bullied.
‘So it wasn’t bullying?’
She shook her head.
‘We thought that if he had a fresh start, a clean break from all the bad influences at his old school, it would be easier for him to move on. That’s what Alistair said, anyway. He’s supposed to know about these things.’
‘Oh Jennifer, you poor thing. I had no idea you were dealing with all this.’
‘So you see, I have to be really careful. It’s like he’s on a knife edge most of the time. Some days he can be super-excitable and into everything, trying everything, but other days he gets so low. He has these black moods and he’s just knocked down by everything, especially when he’s accused of doing things he hasn’t done. And he’s my baby, my firstborn. I have to protect him.’
‘I know that, Jen, I understand.’
‘You’d do the same for Lu
cy.’
‘You’re right. I would, absolutely.’
I paused, not sure how to ask the next question.
‘Was there any . . . any treatment for him? To help him get through it?’
‘He has pills, but he doesn’t like taking them. Says they make him feel like a zombie.’ She turned her wedding ring on her finger, rolling it between thumb and forefinger. ‘I found a stash of them under his bed; he’d been pretending to take them but he’d just been hiding them instead. And I was so frightened. I didn’t want to confront him in case it set him off again, so I just left them there. Pathetic, aren’t I?’
‘No, you’re not. Not at all.’
‘Will you promise me you won’t tell anyone about this?’
‘Of course. I won’t tell anyone.’
‘Not even Sean?’
‘Not even him.’
She got up off the bench and wiped her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out dramatically. ‘Let me talk to Ethan about – about whatever happened this afternoon with Daniel. I’ll ask him to be nicer to him from now on.’
‘Thanks, Jennifer. Are you OK?’
‘Fine.’ She summoned a shaky smile. ‘I’m always fine.’
I watched her walking back across the lawn, towards the villa, and thought about what she’d said. It was a terrible thing to fear for your children, to fear they might come to harm. It was the unthinkable dread of every parent that their own flesh and blood could somehow end up being the cause of that harm. Anxiety, depression, isolation, self-harm; drugs to blot out the pain, blades to slice flesh where the scars couldn’t be seen. The thought of your own child suffering in secret was unbearable.
I knew all of that. I felt it myself, for my own children.
53
Lucy was slumped in the big armchair with her phone when I knocked on her bedroom door.
I pushed the door shut behind me and sat down on the edge of her bed.
‘How was shopping?’
‘Good,’ she said, not looking up from her phone. ‘Hot.’
‘Get any bargains?’
‘A few bits, a new hat and some sandals.’
‘Great, you must show me them later.’
