Because a part of her still wanted a mother? Because she knew she needed to forgive?
But not this woman. Not now.
“Madeline, I was young. I made mistakes.”
“Mistakes?” Madeline shuddered as she released a breath. “Mistakes are something a person makes in their checkbook. Mistakes are when you say the wrong thing or buy the wrong car. Those are mistakes. You didn’t make a mistake. You allowed your only daughter to be abused.”
“I know.” A long silence, sobbing on the other end that Madeline couldn’t be sorry for. But she was. “I hurt you. I wanted you to know that I was afraid, too.”
“Oh, okay, well, thank you for sharing that. I’m sorry you were afraid.”
“This isn’t going well.”
Madeline closed her eyes and tears slid down her cheeks.
“No, it isn’t. I can’t talk to you right now.”
“Maybe soon? I have a job and an apartment in Tulsa. I wanted to be close to you so I moved here.”
“I have to go.” Madeline hung up.
A few minutes later Jade kneeled in front of her. She didn’t take the dog. Instead she curled close and hugged Madeline. “Are you okay?”
Madeline nodded. She tried to smile and reassure Jade, but she couldn’t. Her heart ached. Her throat tightened with the tears, the emotion. She wanted to crawl inside herself, the way she’d done as a teenager. She wanted to hide from the pain and close herself off from feeling.
But she couldn’t go back. God had done too much in her life. She couldn’t go back to being the person who hid from life.
Jade hugged her hard and let go. “I’ll be back.”
Madeline nodded. She knew Jade walked away. The puppy, limping and hopping, followed. Madeline hugged her knees close to her chest and took a deep breath. She had to get it together.
She needed to take care of Jade, not let the girl take care of her. She leaned her head on her knees and prayed for strength to get through whatever her mother would throw at her in the coming weeks. She prayed for strength to truly forgive.
And then the front door opened. Madeline looked up. Jade stood nearby. She pointed at Madeline and Jackson nodded. In the blink of an eye Jade disappeared and Jackson was at her side. He leaned and lifted her into his arms.
“Why are you here?” Madeline leaned into his shoulder, finding it hard to believe that he had showed up when he did. Jade had called him, of course she had. And he was here. Her heart wanted to open up like a flower in early spring reaching for the sun.
He carried her to the couch and sat down with her held against him, his arms strong and holding her close to his side. She closed her eyes. This is what safe feels like, she told herself. To be held.
She thought of all the times God had held her. Through the toughest times of her life. Held and kept her anchored in faith.
“Jade called. She was worried.”
“I’m fine.” And then she cried. She flooded his shirt with her tears and he stroked her hair and told her everything would be okay.
She believed him.
“What happened?” He reached for the tissue box on her table and handed it to her, but he didn’t stop holding her, making her feel safe.
“Do I have to talk about this?”
“Not if you don’t want to.” He wrapped her in protective arms and held her tight. She leaned into his strength and she couldn’t force herself to move.
“My mother has not only found me, she called and she’s living in Tulsa. She’ll be there when I decide I want her in my life.”
Jackson sighed. She felt the rise and fall of his chest. His hand slid down her back. “I know this isn’t easy, but I know that you’re strong. And you know I’ll be here.”
“I know.” Did she? Why would he be here for her? She couldn’t ask those questions. For the moment she had someone in her life who promised to be there for her.
Jade had asked her if she loved him. No, of course not. She was a grown woman. She knew better than to think she’d fallen in love with him. They’d been thrown together for a short time because of a teenager and a dog. They’d somehow forged a friendship.
“Maddie, I mean it.” His voice, soft and husky, warm near her ear. She wasn’t in love with Jackson. Attracted to him, definitely. But love?
She looked up, intending to tell him something brave and witty, if only she could think of something. When her lips parted he leaned and met her with a kiss that made her forget doubts, fears, pain. He brushed her lips with his, feather-soft, once, twice. She clung to him, exploring this moment, no fear, no desire to run, only a need to stay in his arms. His lips touched hers again, lingering this time.
The dog barked; Jackson pulled away. His eyes widened a little and he smiled. “Maddie, Maddie, you do push a man to forget his convictions.”
“Right, Jackson, that’s me, the temptress.”
They both laughed and he pulled her close. “More than you know.”
The dog hopped into the room. A moment later Jade followed, a knowing little grin on her face. “I’m going to bed.”
Jackson stood and pulled the girl into an easy hug. He kissed the top of her head and ruffled her hair. “Thanks for calling me.”
“Anytime.” Jade’s gaze dropped to Madeline. “I took the dog out.”
The evidence was in her face. The pink cheeks. The red nose. Her eyes glistened a little.
“Jade, are you okay?”
Jade nodded. “I’m good.”
Madeline patted the couch next to her and Jade plopped down. Madeline hugged her tight. “It really is going to be okay.”
“I know it is. Right?” Jade looked up at Jackson.
Madeline followed the look and what she saw frightened her. Jackson put on a good front. He smiled and Jade probably believed him, that everything would be okay. The look in his eyes, a look he sent Madeline, told her otherwise.
Jade seemed convinced. “Good night.”
The girl hurried down the hall, the dog trying to follow.
“What’s going on?” Madeline asked as Jackson paced her floor.
Jackson pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and tossed it her way. He put a finger to his lips and she got it. Everything wasn’t okay. He sat down next to her again.
What she read slammed her heart. She knew he must have felt this way or worse when he read the results. The DNA test showed that Jade Baker could not be Jackson Cooper’s biological daughter.
She didn’t know what to say.
Madeline handed him back the paper and she couldn’t look at him, couldn’t see the sadness in his eyes. Or would it be relief?
When she did look at him, she saw concern and worry, not relief. It made her heart soar a little.
“Now what?”
“I’m not sure what to do.” He rubbed the back of his neck and then leaned back on the sofa, closing his eyes.
Madeline didn’t know what to say. She reached for his hand and waited, because he needed time and she knew he needed a friend. A friend. He had those. He had family. And he was sitting next to her, on her couch, lost.
“Jackson, we have to find her mother.” She held his hand tight, wishing she could do more.
His thumb brushed her fingers. “Yeah, I know. Thank you for being a part of this. ‘We’ sounds much better than me, alone.”
She wondered about that. He seemed good at being alone.
“Of course I’ll do what I can. I love her, too.”
“I know.” He let out a long sigh. “I have to tell her she isn’t mine. And I have to take her back to Oklahoma City to her mother.”
“I’ll go with you.” The words rushed out. Jackson’s hand tightened on hers. He lifted it and held her palm to his lips.
He moved to the edge of the couch, leaning for a moment over clasped hands. Madeline’s hand rested on his back and he turned, smiling.
“And I have to go now. Because you’re amazing and I…should really go.”
She followed hi
m to the door, trying to figure out the sudden change.
“Maddie…” He leaned and kissed her goodbye, soft and slow, ending with a sigh as he walked away.
Madeline wanted to run after him. She wanted to call him a coward for running. She was the one who ran but she hadn’t. This time she hadn’t run. She hadn’t hidden inside herself.
She watched him drive away, headlights in the dark night. Somewhere a coyote howled. She could hear trucks on the distant highway. Lost, she stood there in the cold of the open door because Jade might have a point. A teenager understood Madeline’s feelings better than she understood them herself.
Jackson fired up the tractor the next morning and hooked a round bale to take out to the cattle in the back pasture. Madeline hadn’t gotten there yet with Jade but Travis had shown up and he’d be in the barn when they arrived.
He drove along the fenceline, stopping to open a gate when he got to the field where they were grazing the beef cattle. He hopped back in the tractor and eased it through, then got out to close the gate again. He latched it tight because he had no intention of chasing down a hundred plus head of cattle today. Sleet had started to fall an hour earlier. Nothing major but enough to make the cold pretty miserable.
As he climbed back in the tractor he heard a pitiful sound. He stood on the step and looked around but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. The cattle were a good hundred yards out. They were grouped together, fighting the wind and sleet. As he headed their way they started to move. He’d brought a bale out yesterday but he planned on moving several bales today. He also needed to corral the young bulls he would be selling this weekend to a breeder just outside of Oklahoma City.
The City, as it was more popularly referred to. When someone was going to the City, everyone knew what they meant—Oklahoma City.
A dark form in the grass caught his attention. He lowered the bale of hay and backed off from it. The cattle were already moving in, even though they still had hay. He’d need to check the automatic waterer, to make sure it wasn’t frozen.
He hated the cold. Even in the enclosed tractor, complete with heat, he felt it down to his bones. The wind whistled. Maybe the sound of the wind made it seem even colder. Whatever, he was ready for spring already and winter hadn’t really hit yet.
The dark shape moved and he saw that it was a calf. The form next to it didn’t move. He headed the tractor in that direction. Not a good morning for a downed cow. As he got closer the cow still didn’t move. She didn’t even raise her head.
Even worse. He jumped down from the idling tractor and eased toward the bawling calf. Cold air gusted, blowing against him. The calf appeared to be a few hours old, and half frozen. The sleet coated its dark fur, still wet, but icy.
“Not a good way to start your life, little guy.” He scooped up the bawling calf, took a last look at the momma cow to make sure his assumption was correct.
She was gone. He walked away, holding the calf. Part of farm life. Yeah, he knew that. He’d learned the lesson early in life. Sometimes animals died. People died. He guessed for some people it got easier.
He reached to open the tractor door and pushed the calf inside the cab, following it. “Now what in the world are we going to do with you?”
A few minutes later the tractor rolled toward the barn and he knew what he’d do with this calf. Madeline’s car parked in front of the barn gave him the answer he needed. He drove past the barn to the equipment barn. Tractors, an old farm truck and a couple of stock trailers were parked under the roof of the three-sided, open-front building.
Jade ran toward him as he got out of the tractor and headed for the barn. She didn’t seem to notice the cold and he remembered how his grandfather had always said that cold got colder as a man got older. He grinned, remembering.
“A calf!” Jade’s eyes lit up. “Where’s its mom?”
“Gone.” He didn’t want to say more. He didn’t want to see her eyes full of tears. But he knew it had to happen. Just like eventually he’d have to tell her that she wasn’t his.
“What happened?” Madeline had walked up behind Jade. She looked so good this morning, he wanted to grab her up in his arms and thank her for being in his life.
He didn’t know who would be more shocked if he did that. Probably better if he let it go. The tender vulnerability in her eyes last night warned him to go easy, move slowly.
Jade was petting the sticky, wet calf.
“I found him with his mother. It happens.” He hated that it did. “We need to get him a bottle and get him warmed up.”
“He won’t die, will he?” Jade’s eyes widened as she looked from him to the calf.
“Of course he won’t.” Jackson led them all into the barn. Travis had left. “Where’d Trav go?”
“He had to get home and start packing for Tulsa.” Madeline’s voice trailed off when she said the name of the nearest city. “School got cancelled due to the weather.”
“Yeah, I can imagine that. Let’s get this little guy settled and a few chores done and I’ll take you girls to the Mad Cow.”
For lunch. And he didn’t care what people said or how they talked.
“What can we do?” Madeline followed him into the feed room.
“I’ll hold him if you can grab that bottle and mix the calf starter. In that rubber tub, a scoop of the starter and then fill the bottle with water from the sink in the bathroom through that door.” He pointed to the door across from them. “Jade, grab a towel out of that cabinet and let’s get him dried off.”
“Got it.” Madeline already had the lid off the tub. Jade pulled a towel from the cabinet and rubbed it over the calf.
“A little harder than that, kiddo. We need to get him dry and warmed up.”
“Poor calf,” she crooned as she rubbed the calf he’d set on the floor of the feed room. “Everyone should have a mom.”
And that sent an arrow to his heart. Every kid should have a family, too. His mom had tried to give a home to as many as possible. He’d learned at an early age that family didn’t necessarily have to be about blood connections and DNA.
“Here it is.” Madeline returned, a city girl in jeans and a heavy coat, lace-up suede boots to keep her feet warm. She knew how to blend.
She handed him the bottle, her hands covered in crocheted gloves that were probably pretty worthless in the cold, especially if they got wet.
“You need better gloves.” He shoved the bottle into the fighting calf’s mouth. The calf turned his head one way and then the other. “Hold his head.”
“Okay. Why doesn’t he want it?”
“It isn’t his momma. Give him a minute to realize it’s food and he’ll take to it.”
Madeline held the calf’s head and Jackson opened his mouth. The calf let out a little moo and then clamped down on the giant-size baby bottle.
“There he goes.”
Jade moved close. “Aww, just like a baby.”
Jackson laughed. “Yeah, a baby who will someday weigh close to a ton, have horns and be able to run you into the ground. Don’t let him fool you. He isn’t a pet.”
“But he’s cute,” Madeline insisted. He’d put the calf on the wood floor and it wagged its tail and pushed against the bottle he had handed over to Jade. Slobber flew, dripped down the calf’s chin. Jade laughed and held tight to the bottle.
“He’s strong.”
“He is strong,” Jackson agreed. “And cute. But still, he’s going to grow up to be…”
“A big, mean bull.” Madeline repeated his warning with a little laugh.
He shot her a smile and watched her cheeks turn pink. Yeah, he hadn’t lost it completely.
“Right.”
Madeline kneeled next to the calf. “You aren’t planning on sending this thing home with me, are you?”
Jackson widened his eyes and pointed to his chest. “Me, do that to you?”
“Yeah, you’re going to do that to me.” She pulled off her city-girl gloves and stroked the
calf’s back. “Where would I put a calf?”
“You have an empty barn and a corral.”
The sucking air sound meant an empty bottle. Jade pulled the bottle from the calf’s mouth and it chased after her, butting against her, wanting more. She laughed and stuck out her fingers. The calf brought his long tongue around her hand.
“What do we do now?” Jade kneeled in front of the little bull calf.
“For now we’ll put him in a stall with plenty of straw to sleep on and feed him again later.”
“He’ll be all alone.” Madeline stroked the calf and looked at him with kind of pleading, kind of accusing eyes. Great, an orphaned calf and two big-hearted females.
“Yes, he will. But that’s about the only option. He wouldn’t survive on his own in the pasture.” He picked up the calf and headed toward an empty stall, trying to figure out a way to undo the sad look in Madeline’s eyes. It hadn’t been but a couple of weeks ago that he’d just do what he had to do and that would have been the end of it.
A female around the place changed everything. They brought emotion into farming. He sighed and shook his head because now he couldn’t walk away without it bugging him, too.
He put the calf in the stall and turned, smiling because he was going to be the hero. “I’ll get a goat to keep him company.”
“A goat?”
“Yeah, Ryder Johnson has a few goats that he sometimes pairs up with foals. We’ll stop by there on our way back from the Mad Cow.”
Jade leaned in, looking at the bawling, unhappy calf. “Can’t we get him a friend now?”
He shook his head and pulled out his phone. “Let me call Ryder.”
He made the call and fifteen minutes later Ryder pulled up to the barn and led a big, fat goat into Jackson’s barn. Ryder grinned, tipped his hat and handed the lead rope of the goat to Jade.
“Told you to buy a goat.” He shot the comment at Jackson.
“Right, I should have listened to you.” Jackson opened the stall door and the goat walked right in, eyed her new companion in unblinking silence and grabbed a mouthful of straw.
The Cowboy's Holiday Blessing Page 13
