“You’re so beautiful,” I said as I caressed her breasts, moving to her stomach.
She tensed beneath me. I continued to brush my fingers across her silky body, but she didn’t say anything, only inhaled sharply several times. Before long, we both dozed off. I slept soundly, her cinnamon smell lulling me to dream of her and the passion we shared.
I woke to her rushing from the room, clutching her stomach and covering her mouth. Quickly, I followed after her, grabbing a blanket from the edge of the couch. She sat on the floor in front of the toilet, retching as she held her hair back with one hand.
Crouching beside her, I gently pulled her hair from her hand, holding it for her as she continued to empty her stomach. Rubbing her back, I consoled her as she continued on for what seemed like ever. She finished, resting her head on her arm on the side of the tub. Was she ok?
“Daphne?” I asked. “Are you ok?”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“This is more than a nervous stomach,” I said. “Are you ill? Should I take you to the hospital?”
Shaking her head, she chuckled. “No, no. Don’t do that. I’m fine. I get sick sometimes.”
“Why? Do you have some sort of disease or something? I questioned.
“Or something,” she said. She glanced at me, her green eyes sad and filled with worry.
Taking her hand, I held it and rubbed my thumb across her palm. “Tell me, Daphne. What’s the something? You’ve puked both times I’ve been near you.” Concern filled me. I barely knew her, but I knew enough to know I wouldn’t be ok if she was deathly ill.
“I’m pregnant,” she blurted. The tears filled her eyes and I dropped her hand.
Pregnant. “…Wwwwhat?” I muttered.
“I’m pregnant, Zander,” she repeated. She bit her lip as she stared at me.
“How far?” I asked, glancing at her stomach.
Clenching her eyes shut, she choked back a sob. “Three months.”
Three months. Three months ago was June. We slept together in June. “Three.” I couldn’t bring myself to say more than a few words. Shock was filling me like a bad taste, my mouth was dry, and my palms sweated.
She nodded. She still stared at me, not saying any more, and not even blinking. “Three.” Her hand found her belly, holding it gently.
“Is…I mean…when we…you said you were on the pill,” I finally blurted.
“Yeah, I was. It didn’t work,” she replied.
“It’s…mine?” I finally choked out. Was I going to be a father? Was Daphne pregnant with my child?
She sobbed, sniffling as she shook her head up and down. “Yes, it is.”
Falling back, I brought my knees to my chest and buried my head in between them. She was pregnant with my baby. Three months pregnant. My child had been growing for three months and I hadn’t known. Did she know what it was? Was everything ok? Did she get sick like this a lot? Was it normal for her to puke so much? My emotions were all over the place: confusion, hurt, excitement, worry. How should I feel in this moment?
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I spat, throwing the blanket I still held on the ground beside her. Standing, I rushed from the bathroom and fumbled to find my clothes.
“Zander,” she called, following me. “I’m sorry, ok?” she cried. The tears fell freely, streaking her reddened face. “I didn’t know who you were until this past weekend. You never told me your name!”
“Still,” I growled, turning around quickly. “You should have tried to find me.”
“How?!” she screamed. “I knew nothing about you!”
My head was foggy with anger, and I kept shaking it as I pulled on my clothing. “I don’t know, I don’t know,” I yelled back. “I deserved to know!”
Sobbing, she collapsed on the couch and wrapped the blanket around her body. “I know, and I promise you I was going to tell you. Seeing you at the wedding was a shock, Zander. I didn’t know what to do.”
Turning, I slammed my fist on the back of the couch. “You should have told me, dammit. As soon as you saw me. This is something I deserve to know, Daphne! That’s my child, too!”
“I know!!!” she screamed, face red and wet. “I know. I know. I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t talk to you right now. I’m going for a walk,” I told her. I left her there, naked and crying on the couch. My heart hurt for her, for my baby, for me. I walked for twenty minutes, aimlessly strolling along the road, getting lost in my thoughts.
I was going to be a father…and soon. How would I be as a father? Would Daphne be a good mother? Would we have a son or daughter? Would I be able to do all the things my own father didn’t? Tears welled in my eyes and I fought them back.
By the time I circled around the streets and back to the house, I was calmer, though my worry had increased. I slowly made my way up the steps, allowing myself in. She sat on the couch, cradling her stomach, and eyes closed. Her hair was piled on top of her head, and she lay in stretch pants and a t-shirt. Damned if she wasn’t gorgeous.
“Can we talk?” I asked.
Her eyes flew open and she nodded. Blood red veins streaked her eyeballs and the tip of her nose was raw. “Sure.”
“I shouldn’t have yelled,” I started.
Shaking her head, she interrupted me. “No, you were right. You deserve to be upset.”
Reaching out hesitantly, I stopped a few inches from her stomach. “Can I touch?”
Smiling softly, she nodded.
Resting my hand lightly on her skin, I allowed my mind to wrap around the fact my child was growing in there. A baby. Half my DNA, half hers. I broke down in that moment, the tears falling as I lay my head in her lap and sobbed against her stomach. “I’m going to be a dad.”
She softly brushed my hair and I heard her begin crying. “Yes, you are.”
Pressing my lips to her stomach, I kissed my soon to be child. “Do you know what it is or anything yet?” I asked, wiping my face dry.
“No,” she said. “About two more months before we can find out.”
“Do you know anything?” I quizzed.
“Well, I’ve been to the doctor a few times. They say everything is good. I had one ultrasound at the ER when I hurt my foot, that’s when I found out, and it looked like a peanut that was vibrating,” she explained, her face lighting up as she talked about it. “And the heartbeat sounded like horse hooves running across tile or something. It was so loud…so beautiful.”
“Daphne, I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m going to be a father to this baby,” I said.
Grinning, she blinked and nodded. “I know. I want you to. My next appointment is next Tuesday if you want to come.”
“Of course,” I said. “Will we get to see it?”
“I’m sure we can ask Dr. Kennedy for an ultrasound so you can meet my little musician.”
“Your what?” I asked, sitting back and bringing her legs to my lap. For some reason, I needed to touch her in any way possible.
Blushing, she rolled her eyes. “Well, I feel like it’s a boy. I don’t know yet, but I have a feeling. So I call him my little musician since his daddy, you, was playing music and singing the night he was made.”
My heart swelled. Where was all this emotion coming from? “I like it. I’ll teach it, him or her, to play.”
Giggling, she patted her tummy. “We would love that.” Something about her features in that moment, the way the light hit her soft face, her hair glimmering in the morning light, had me reeling. I could love this woman.
“Is everything ok with you? Do you get sick like that a lot?”
“Mmhmm,” she said, still looking at our growing child. “It happens every day. Doctor says it’s normal, and hopefully will stop soon since I’m now in the second trimester.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I was three months yesterday. That means second trimester,” she explained.
“I know nothing about pregnancy,” I admitted.
Grasping
my hand, she squeezed. “Me neither. We’ll learn together.”
Comfortable silence filled the air around us as we sat there, hands locked, and gazed at her stomach. Our child was growing in there, moving and simply being, and it mesmerized me. I couldn’t wait to see it on the ultrasound.
Daphne
A few pounds of the humongous weight on my shoulders was lifted with Zander finding out the truth. My family was next, followed by my friends when Francesca got back. I couldn’t tell any of the other girls before I revealed it to my bestie. It didn’t seem right. Marcus and my office coworkers were understanding and excited. I finally allowed my own excitement to show, and couldn’t seem to stop smiling.
The worries of pending motherhood weren’t untouched, and each night I sat and stared at my kindle as I lost myself in thoughts of what could be, what will be. The darkness and I mingled as it tried to take over and I fought to push it away. It was a never-ending struggle, but I refused to lose this battle.
Zander and I hadn’t seen each other since that fateful night and the next morning, but my doctor’s appointment was this afternoon and he was set to meet me. Nervous didn’t begin to describe how I felt about him coming along, but seeing the delight on his face as he learned of our child was enough to mask anything I felt. Three p.m. couldn’t get here fast enough
“Daphne,” he called as he jogged up to the door I was headed toward.
“Am I late?” he questioned, rushing ahead and holding the door for me.
Shaking my head, I said, “Thanks. And no you aren’t. I decided to come in early in case there was any papers to fill out or anything.”
“Do you have good insurance?” he asked, running a hand through his hair. “Cause I can pay this stuff. And the baby can be put on mine if you want. Did Francesca tell you about the money I got? Of course, we already talked about this. Well, I can pay for everything. Don’t worry about it,” he rambled. His words poured out like coffee from a pot, flowing together and hardly making sense.
Laughing loudly, I stared at him. “Zander, we have a few months. Let’s just worry about today right now.”
He nodded, jaw set in seriousness. “Ok.”
Shaking my head at his silliness, I led the way to Dr. Kennedy’s office, and he once again held the door for me. Chivalry wasn’t something I was used to, but I was finding I sort of liked it. We sat in silence as we waited to be called back, and I couldn’t help but see him shaking his knee in nervousness as he kept clicking his phone on and off. Was that the new pen click? The phone click?
“Calm down,” I said, laying a hand on his leg to stop it. “It’ll be ok.”
“You weren’t nervous the first time?” he asked, raising a brow.
“Of course. I was in the ER and didn’t have much time to process it, though. I’m telling you it will be ok,” I assured. The nurse called my name just as I spoke and we both stood.
“Hey,” I smiled as she weighed me and took my vitals. Zander waited anxiously, shifting his weight back and forth from foot to foot as he stared everywhere but in my direction.
By the time we got to a room, I was convinced he would pass out. The nurse luckily didn’t make me undress this time, so I waited with legs swinging on the table while he paced the room.
“Are you going to be like this every time?” I asked with a giggle.
He gave me a glare and stopped. “I’m sorry, ok?”
“It’s fine,” I said. “I think it’s cute.”
The knock on the door prevented him from answering, and Dr. Kennedy waltzed in. She gave Zander a curious look, then smiled at me. “Hello, Daphne.”
“Hey, Dr. Kennedy. This is Zander…he’s…the father.” I explained awkwardly.
She held out a hand and greeted him. “Nice to meet you.”
“You, too,” he said.
We went through the normal routine, her asking questions about how I was feeling, if I was attending therapy, how my eating habits were. I answered them all truthfully, though the therapy question raised Zander’s brows and had me worried. I wasn’t ready to reveal all those facts to him just yet.
When the appointment ended, I asked for an ultrasound, explaining Zander really wanted to see the baby and she happily obliged. We waited in the room for the tech to get us, and I watched as he grew nervous all over again.
The tech arrived, leading us to the room, where I lay back, lifted my shirt, and waited for the cold gel to shock my skin. Zander sat near me, leg bouncing, and waited for the baby to appear.
Cautiously, I reached out and grabbed his hand in mine the moment machine touched my skin. The screen filled with the black and white picture, a tiny baby right in the middle. It was no longer a peanut, but looked like an actual baby.
Zander gasped beside me and squeezed my hand. Crushing his back, I felt the tears well up. “Can we hear the heart?” I asked.
She nodded, turning the knob on the side of the machine and the beautiful sound filled the room. Tearing my eyes from the screen, I glanced at Zander to see his face lit in elation and his eyes wide with emotion. My heart swelled and I flashed my eyes back to the baby.
“Can you tell what it is yet?” he asked, finally finding his voice.
She moved the stick around on my stomach, and explained what we were seeing. “This is the baby’s legs right here. It’s still so small that if we could try to see what it is, there’s a possibility we’ll be wrong. It’s a 50/50 chance at this point for getting it right. If we wait a few months, the fetus will be larger and finding the gender will be easier.”
“So November?” I asked.
“Sometime late November, early December. Depending on when the appointment is,” she grinned. She pressed some buttons, and then cleaned my stomach with a towel. Handing over a slew of pictures, she said, “Here you go. So you can show that baby off!”
I took them, examining each one closely and handing them to Zander. “Our baby,” I smiled.
He nodded, clutching the string of photos. “Our baby.”
The tech sighed. “You two are adorable together.”
Moving my mouth like a guppy fish, Zander spread his lips in a wide smile. “Thank you.”
Completing the rest of the appointment, making another appointment and paying my co-pay, I couldn’t stop thinking of what Zander had just said. Thank you.
Did he not want people to know the truth about us? It was embarrassing to tell people we hardly knew each other, that our child was created during a one-night stand, but would he rather lie? Or did he think we needed to be together since we were going to be parents? The questions assaulted my mind until we parted, him taking half the photos, and me taking the rest.
It was time to tell my family.
“Selene,” I said into the phone. “Are you still at Mom and Dad’s?”
“Yes,” she said. My little sister was basically my twin, looking so much like me and so close in age that growing up most people believed we were twins.
“Don’t leave. I’m almost there,” I instructed, hanging up before she could reply. Our relationship was like that, though, we didn’t have to have words to understand what the other meant.
Pulling into the driveway, I clutched the ultrasound photos in one hand and grabbed my keys with the other.
Selene met me on the porch, pulling me close for a hug. “Daph,” she said into my hair.
“I’ve missed you, sis,” I said back.
She held me at arms’ length, looking me over closely. “Something’s different.”
Smiling widely, I took her hand. “Let’s go inside.”
Greeting my parents, we all hugged and voiced how much we’d missed each other. They lived in the outskirts of Knoxville, so visiting didn’t happen as often as I’d like. After telling them I had something important to tell them, they all sat on the couch staring at me impatiently.
How did I tell them? What words should I say? Their eyes watching me made me edgy, so I finally took the photos, unpeeled them, and held the
m over my stomach. “Surprise.”
My dad didn’t move, my mom covered her mouth in shock, and my sister jumped from her seat, squealing loudly, and jumping up and down as she ran to hug me.
“I’m going to be an aunt!” she repeated over and over.
Wrapping my arms around her, I watched my parents. Were they angry? Upset? Happy? Neither moved, so finally pulled from Selene and stepped toward them. “Mom? Dad?”
“I’m going to be a grandma?” my mom asked, her voice soft and quiet.
I nodded. “In March.”
She cried out, standing and placing her arms around my neck. “Daphne, I don’t know what’s going on, but you are going to be a wonderful mother,” she sniffled.
Dad stood, his face still hard and walked out of the room. Two out of three wasn’t too bad, I guessed. “Thanks, Mom,” I said, burying my head in her shoulder.
We sat on the couch, me squished between the two of them, and they asked a million questions. I explained as much as I could about the baby, but when it came time to tell them about Zander, I froze. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it.
Again.
“He’s this guy, he worked for Francesca for a while. We aren’t dating or anything,” I said, then paused, looking at my mom. “Sorry, Momma.” Sighing, I bit my lip. “Anyway, we were careful, but the pill isn’t one hundred percent and I was the lucky exception.”
Mom didn’t say much, but Selene was full of questions. What did he look like, where did he work now, what did he think about the baby, did I think we would date? She rambled on, but stopped when Mom held her hand up, palm facing her.
“Daphne,” she stated, serious and concerned. “What about your depression?”
Gulping, I looked down at my hands. “I’m going to my therapist weekly. I had to go off my meds, though. They weren’t safe.”
Anxious Hearts Page 11
