“I had to do it.” He looked down in shame and, at first, I was struck at just how important that name was to him without him even knowing it. Then I justified it by realizing it was Dean’s way of tormenting himself every day. I knew he felt pain for what he did. I knew he would do anything in his power to take it all back. And I knew he meant every word he said when he told me he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me.
Lifting my hand up to his face, I gently tugged his chin up to meet me. “I know,” I whispered, staring into his guilt-ridden eyes, holding his stare so he knew I meant every word. I could never trivialize his guilt. I knew he was suffering. And I knew it would eat away at him for the rest of his life. But it somehow didn’t make this right. It didn’t make what he did right. In the end, he made his choice. And his choice completely destroyed me.
So why was I there with him, basking in his glory? Why was I determined to see this through with him today?
Because, to be brutally honest, I was selfish. I was letting him in because a part of me wanted to feel this. I needed to feel this. The little devil inside of me was screaming me, me, me, and I couldn’t possibly ignore it. For just these few little hours, I needed to have this connection with Dean. I needed to be close to the boy who once was. And, my god, I had missed him so much that even thinking about it made my insides burn. Right now, I just couldn’t let him go.
“Come to bed with me.” I looked into Dean’s eyes and he nodded, gently kissing me on the lips. He turned the shower off, helped me out, and gently dried us down before leading me to the bed.
This was my moment now. This was me as a young Tyler, reaching out for her hero. Reaching out to the one man she knew would give her everything she desired. I wasn’t going to stop this for nothing. My selfish needs were winning out over anything else. I couldn’t possibly give up this moment.
At the bed, Dean turned and cupped his hands on my face. With a gentle kiss, he closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m going to make sure all your pain is erased.”
And, for just a few hours, he was right.
Chapter 10
Dean
That which redeems consumes.
Pete Abrams
I was feeling so full of hope and joy that I had finally won my Tyler back and, for a moment, I let myself revel in that feeling. Right now, I didn’t want anything to spoil this.
I was lying in bed the morning after and I couldn’t help but smile, remembering everything that happened last night. After the shower, I made love to Tyler for the very first time. I wasn’t rough like how she remembered me to be. I was tender and gentle. I wanted to please her however I could. I wanted her to see the real Dean who had been hiding behind the monster all this time. She needed to know I was still around. She needed to know I wasn’t just a memory.
But I also knew that nothing was “happily ever after”. Tyler was with me but, for some reason¸ I knew this wasn’t it. I hadn’t won her back completely yet.
And that was why I still had my eyes closed. I daren’t open them to find what I knew I would see once I let the light of the day sink in.
An empty space beside me.
Tyler gone.
Tyler missing.
Tyler out of my life for good.
Right now, my eyes were glued tightly shut. To protect me from the agonizing ripple of pain that would engulf me, they wouldn’t open.
So I lay there a few minutes more, remembering the feel of Tyler beneath me, on top of me, beside me. I had to hold onto those memories as tightly as possible, so her leaving me never truly happened.
But the more I lay there, the more I knew I couldn’t stay like that forever. The hard façade I always wore was yelling at me to stop being a fucking pussy and open my damn eyes.
So I did.
*****
Two weeks had gone by and I hadn’t heard from Tyler. I knew she had gone back to the new life she created for herself. It made me rage inside to think she may have gone back to that fucking numpty of a man who thought he could give Tyler everything she wanted. Tyler was a woman who needed a real man. Someone who would walk on water for her, but wouldn’t take any fucking shit from anybody. Someone who would protect her to the ends of the earth. Someone who would die for her.
I sat, legs resting on the barstool as I nursed my ninth bourbon of the night. I was wasted, but not enough to know that the barman gave me that “look” fifteen minutes ago. The one that told me he was on the verge on ringing Jimmy. In fact, I bet he already had.
So to screw with him, I downed my ninth bourbon and pushed it towards him. “Another please, Graham.”
Graham looked at the glass, then at me with a worried frown. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough, Dean? Maybe you should walk outside and get some air.”
A rippling chortle left me as I thought how ridiculous that sounded. “Hey, I don’t need no fucking air.” I waved my hand to emphasize my point and nearly toppled over. A pair of hands captured me and steadied me on the stool. I turned, but I already knew who it was.
“Jimmy! How the devil are you, my knight in fucking shining armour?”
Jimmy smiled, nodded at Graham, and turned to me. “I’m fucking peachy, Dean, but I can hazard a guess that your head won’t be tomorrow morning.” He sat down on the stool beside me and grabbed my shoulder. “How many times have you been in here this week?”
“Five!” Graham shouted.
I glared at him. “Okay, mate, no need to fucking count. Jeez!” I shook my head and looked back at Jimmy. “Who needs a barman as an accountant, Jimmy? All I want is another fucking drink. Is that too much to ask? I mean, I thought that’s what barmen were there for?”
Jimmy tutted and looked over at my empty glass. “But the amount that you want is going to kill you, Dean.”
I laughed. “It doesn’t fucking matter. I’m already dead.”
Jimmy sighed and looked at me for a moment. “What do you think Tyler would say if she could see you now? Do you really think she would want you like this?”
“I don’t fucking care,” I growled.
Jimmy’s eyes popped open. “Oh, but you do. You fucking care too much, and that’s your problem right there. You’re trying to hide yourself back into the person you once were. It doesn’t wash with me, Dean, and it sure as hell wouldn’t wash with Tyler again. What happened to the man who was going to fight to the ends of the earth to win her back?”
I huffed. “She doesn’t want him. Plain and fucking simple. She didn’t say the words, but her message was pretty loud and fucking clear to me the morning she left me in that hotel room.”
Jimmy sighed. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe she just needed time? What you did to her was pretty fucking terrible, man. It would take a lot to try get over something like that.”
I felt my nostrils flare as the anger came. “You don’t think I fucking know that? Shit, Jimmy, what are you trying to fucking do here?”
“I’m trying to help you, you fucking knucklehead!”
I looked at Jimmy for a moment and the anger that was once there vanished. Jimmy smiled, then the laughter came. “You’re a fucking numpty.”
“Shit shoveller.”
“Pansy.”
“Assbutt.”
“Dipshit.”
“Fucktard.”
“Rumpleforeskin.”
That stopped me, and I frowned at Jimmy. “Seriously?” I shook my head with a laugh.
Jimmy shrugged. “I was just rolling with it.” He raised his eyebrow at me and nudged my shoulder a little. “I’ve always liked you man, but I think I like you better since I heard about Tyler. I don’t know Tyler too well, but you know how much I’ve followed her around. She seems like a cool chick, but I can tell when someone’s missing something from her life. She has that look in her eye. The same fucking look I get to see in you every day. You need to change that look, Dean, and only you can do it. Only you can beg her forgiveness until she caves.”
Through the fo
gginess of my brain, I shook my head. “She doesn’t want me, Jimmy. I’ve hurt her too much. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.”
Jimmy sighed and laid his hand on my shoulder. “Let me be the judge of that.” He straightened his spine and frowned a little. “I have a plan. Do you trust me? It will mean giving me some expenses to run with.”
I looked down at the bar for a moment before meeting Jimmy’s eyes. “I don’t know, Jimmy.” I didn’t know whether I could trust anyone again.
“Look, man, do you want Tyler back or not?”
I huffed. “Of course I fucking do. I would do whatever it took if I thought there would be some hope of her ever forgiving me.”
Jimmy leaned in a little. “Well, then, you’re going to have to loosen the reins and fucking trust me a little.”
I smiled and shook my head. “Why do you want to help me anyway?”
Jimmy slumped a little and sighed. “You two seem like you belong together. Besides, I know what it’s like to lose someone you love. It fucking kills you. I don’t want to see that happening to you and Tyler.”
I frowned for a moment at this little bit of Jimmy that I didn’t know. He was always so secretive. A bit like me, I suppose. I never knew anything about him. “Why couldn’t you get her back?”
Jimmy shook his head, a painful look in his eyes. “If I’d tried harder, she wouldn’t be dead.”
I winced at this news and it fucking killed me to think about that happening with Tyler.
Jimmy saw my expression and nodded. “You see? That’s what I don’t want happening to you.”
“What happened?”
Jimmy let out a breath and turned his body around to face the bar. “I’m going to need a fucking drink in order to tell you this. I haven’t told anyone, so make sure what I’m about to say never leaves this room.”
I looked at him. “Jimmy, you know everything about me and Tyler now. I would hope you would have the same respect and courtesy you’re asking me. It fucking goes without saying.”
Jimmy nodded and motioned for Graham to come over. He looked at my empty glass and lifted his eyebrow. “You want another?”
I shook my head. “No, I think I’m done.”
Jimmy nodded with a smile and ordered a double bourbon on the rocks. When Graham poured the drink, Jimmy swiftly picked it up, downed it, then ordered another. Once that came, he stared at his glass with a sad look on his face.
“It was five years ago last February. Her name was Grace. I always called her my ‘Grace from God’.” He laughed a little at the memory. “We had been going out for a couple years and I was very close to asking her to marry me. She had this male friend at work who was a jackass.” He gave me an inquisitive look. “Sound familiar to you?” I nodded with a huff. “Well, she was out with her colleagues one night and they’d all been drinking. I was sitting at home waiting for her, but I couldn’t seem to settle. I knew that fucking punk would be there and I knew he would have done anything to take her away from me.” He stopped for a moment and took a sip of his drink.
“What did you do?”
“When it got close to eleven o’clock, I couldn’t take it anymore. I went down to the bar where she was and saw him kissing her. I stormed in, beat the living shit out of him, accused her of playing me behind my back, and ended up with my arse in jail.”
I shook my head. “Shit, Jimmy! I’m sorry, man.”
He shook his head. “Me, too. I fucking embarrassed her in front of everyone. I later found out it was that punk, Brandon, who had made an aggressive move on her. Grace had nothing to do with it. In fact, her colleagues were saying he was becoming a pain in the fucking arse and were going to say something to him before I came barging in and ruined the night.” Jimmy sighed and took another swig. “Anyway, Grace said she was leaving me because she wanted to be with someone who would trust her one hundred percent. I begged her not to go. She said she needed time away, so she packed her bags. I groveled for a while but, in the end, I thought it was best to give her time. Three weeks later, she texted me to tell me she was moving back to Scotland. I told her not to go and that I loved her and wanted to marry her. That I was sorry and I would do whatever it took to get her back. She told me it was too late and that she was already on the road.” Jimmy gripped his eyes shut as though he was trying to block out what he knew was coming next.
“That February was particularly bad, weather-wise. It was snowing heavily and the roads were treacherous. Her car lost control and collided with a lorry. She had no fucking chance. She survived for a while. She was hooked up to a ventilator for a few weeks, until the doctor suggested we turn it off. She was brain dead. The doctor said it was for the best.” Jimmy banged his fist on the bar. “Fuck!”
Raising my arm, I squeezed his shoulder. “I’m so fucking sorry, Jimmy.” The realization dawned on me. “That’s the real reason you hate hospitals, isn’t it?” He nodded. “Fucking hell, Jimmy. Why didn’t you ever say anything? I would have understood.”
Jimmy shrugged. “I’m only telling you now so you can see how important it is to never give up without a damn good fight.”
Jimmy sighed again. “At the scene, she was found clutching a photograph of us together. I found out from her best friend that she never truly wanted to leave. She was hoping I would fight harder for us. I was thinking it was best to leave her to think, but that decision turned out to be the worst I’ve ever made.” Jimmy looked at me with tears in his eyes. “Now do you see why it’s so fucking important to fight for Tyler? When you truly love someone like you do Tyler, and like I did with Grace, you should never give up fighting and never give up hope. Most of all, you should never stop telling them how much they mean to you because, one day, you might lose your chance forever. And when forever happens, there’s no going the fuck back.” Jimmy turned his head and shook it a little. I could tell he was broken. This was something he had to live with for the rest of his life.
As I sat there, my head losing its fuzziness from the alcohol, I realized something. If Tyler really and truly wanted me to fight for her, I would. I wouldn’t be another Jimmy. I was determined not to see that happening. I was going to win her back, even if it fucking killed me.
Motioning to Graham, I signaled for him to refill Jimmy’s glass. With a smile, he did, then walked off.
I turned to Jimmy. “Okay, Jimmy. Let’s do this. I trust you, man. I trust you.”
Jimmy turned his head to me with a small smile. “Thanks, faggot brain. That means a lot.”
I shook my head with a smile. “Don’t fucking test me, turd burglar.”
Jimmy laughed and the sadness that had overtaken his face had now softened a little. “Let’s pay up here and go clean your shit up. We have a lot to do.”
I nodded, placed a couple of twenties on the bar and motioned to Graham. “Thanks, man.”
Graham saluted with his two fingers. “No sweat. See you around.”
Jimmy and I walked out into the fresh summer air. The British weather lately was nice for a change. The high street was packed, but it always was this time of night. There was no shortage of fucking numptys like me, drinking their cares away.
As we waited to call a taxi, a little thorn in my side approached. Antonio, Jr., was nineteen now and acting every bit the fucking twat his father was. He was tall, but nowhere near as tall as me. He had blonde hair that was obviously dyed. He was Italian, so blonde hair never ran in his family.
“I hear someone lost a girl and is now acting like a pussy.” His fucking smug face lit up as he passed me.
I was about to charge at him when Jimmy held me back. “He’s not worth it, Dean. He’s just doing it to get a rise out of you.”
Antonio, Jr., laughed. “I see you have your lap dog, Jimmy. Rein the fucking arsehole in, will you?” He snorted, then raised his hand. “Hey, I heard Tyler is a fucking machine in the sack. It’s a pity she isn’t here. I could show her how a real man fucks!”
Turning to Jimmy, I glared at
him. “Oh, hell no.”
Jimmy let go of me. “You better fucking punch his arse before I do, Dean.”
That was all I needed. I turned, walked over to him, and punched him square in the face. I heard his nose crack as he fell, the blood soon following. Antonio, Jr., wailed as everyone gathered around to have a look.
I wasn’t finished, though. I was so fucking angry, I could have killed the son of a bitch. In fact, I thought I would. I must have kicked and punched him a couple more times before I felt Jimmy’s arms holding me back.
“I think that’s enough, Dean. Don’t send your arse to jail. He’s not worth it.”
I let Jimmy pull me back as I spat on the ground next to the little punk. “You think I’m a fucking pussy now, do ya?”
Antonio, Jr., wiped his nose and winced a little before scowling at me. “You killed my fucking father, you wanker!”
Some people gasped and I shook my head. “Antonio, your father was a fucking dipshit who made a lot of enemies. He was fucking people’s wives, making deals with the devil, and blackmailing half the fucking law of London. Don’t tell me he didn’t pick up some enemies along the way. Get a fucking grip.”
I walked off, but Antonio obviously wasn’t done. As Jimmy and I got into a taxi, he screamed, “I know it was you! I’ll get you for this, Dean. Don’t you forget that!”
Jimmy slammed the door shut to muffle out his noise and the taxi soon sped away.
Jimmy laughed a little and turned to me. “Well! That was quite an eventful fucking evening.” He smiled and we both started laughing. I agreed with him one hundred percent but, then again, I was used to those.
*****
It was a few days later and I hadn’t heard from Jimmy. I had given him ten grand to do whatever he needed to do, but I thought he would have gotten back to me a lot quicker. I didn’t know where the fuck he was, or what the fuck he was doing.
It was late morning. I had finished my workout, showered, and was now eating some breakfast. I was on edge, though. I was on edge every day, waiting to hear something. It was about five minutes after eating when I got a phone call. I rushed to the phone and picked it up. “Yeah?” I huffed.
Redemption Page 11
