“With my family, there was always one last job to do. Always something they needed to get out of the way.” He took a deep breath and I could see in his eyes that something bad was coming up.
“When I was sixteen, my parents took me to my uncle’s club. It was no big thing as I often went with them. Most of the time, I sat down and just drank my coke and nodded my head to the beat of the music. However, this particular night, I got curious. I knew my mum and dad had disappeared into my uncle’s basement, so I slid off my seat and made my way down there. I wanted to know what they were up to. I wanted to know who my parents truly were.”
I saw Dean grip the steering wheel tightly, grinding his teeth. “I guess you found out.”
Dean let out a sigh, but his body was still rigid. “My dad was torturing someone whilst my mum, my uncle, and their buddies just watched. My mum was actually filing her nails like she was bored. Can you fucking believe that?” He shook his head. “But then something was said and my mum’s posture changed. It was then that I knew she wasn’t bored. She was just hiding her pain. Fuck!” Dean bashed the steering wheel. “Sorry, Jimmy. It’s just every time I think about it—”
I put my hands up. “Don’t mention it, Dean. You don’t have to tell me anymore.”
Dean let out an exasperated sigh. “It’s okay. I’ve come this far.” He glanced at me with a tight smile. “I didn’t know the whole story until I asked my father later, but what I got out of that night was the man my father was torturing raped my mother.”
Dean gripped his eyes shut momentarily before looking at the road again. Even after all this time, I couldn’t blame him for getting angry. I would be exactly the same if it were me.
“One of my father’s men had betrayed them. He told them that Antonio Pinzano’s brother wanted to meet to form a truce, but he would only meet with my mother because he knew how much of a fucking hothead my father was. It was all a trap, though. My father’s man, the one who was sent with her for protection, was secretly working for them. Pinzano’s fucking brother trapped her, tied her up, and raped her repeatedly. He sent her home so fucking sore and bruised, she could barely walk for weeks.”
I winced. “Fuck. I’m so sorry, man.”
Dean sighed. “It happened and, unfortunately, I can’t take that back. I had always shied away from what my parents did. I always thought that side of them was ugly. But when I heard about what he did to my mother, the only thing I could think of was I wished it was me in there torturing that fucker. I wished I had the blade that cut him. I wished my fists were the ones smashing his face in. That night, I realized I truly was a Scozzari. I had it running through my blood, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could fucking do about it. I had to accept that as my fate.”
He paused for a minute and smiled. “But the only thing that kept me sane, the only purity I lived off of, was Tyler. The very next day, I went to her. I was tired and so, so fucking angry. I knew one look at her would take it all away. I knew her innocence would melt away the fucking ugliness that was inevitably growing inside of me.” He laughed a little. “She asked me where I had been and I told her I had been to my uncle’s nightclub. Just remembering it tore me up inside. But then she got jealous about me gawking at the hot girls at the club. Can you believe it?” Dean shook his head. “If she only knew.”
Dean went silent for a moment and shook his head, laughing again. “Right then, I didn’t care about anything but her. She was jealous that I was looking at girls, not realizing the half of it. Her innocence and beauty astounded me. I was torn at that moment. I wanted to drown myself in her and bury us both, but I also knew that the side of me I hid away would surface one day. I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do then, but the selfish side of me needed her. I needed her purity to keep my head above water. To keep me sane.” He shook his head with a laugh. “I don’t know whether I’m making any fucking sense here, but—”
“You are,” I interrupted. “You’re making perfect sense. Why did you think I called Grace my ‘Grace from God’? She would always keep me level-headed. I could always count on that at the end of my shitty, rotten day. She would be there for me like my beacon of light. I always knew how to follow it home.”
Dean laughed, nodding. “Look at us…two fucking soppy pussies.”
My lips curled into a grin. “I know. I could go about my day torturing people and think nothing of it. I was used to it by the time I had left the SAS. I’d been desensitized. The only reason I left was because civilian torture money was a lot more profitable. It was a job, pure and simple. But, at the end of the day, I would come home to a pair of loving arms and the moment she touched me, she could ask for anything and I’d give it to her. Grace was my torture. She was my sweet torture.” I stayed silent for a while, enjoying the memories.
“And now? What about now, Jimmy? What about Tara? You certainly didn’t go to all this trouble just because you simply care about her. You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”
I nodded. “And you know the sickest part in all this?” Dean shrugged and looked at me a moment. “It took tonight to realize it. It took her ex-husband finding her and beating her to a pulp to fucking realize just how much I do love her. How fucking sick is that, Dean? How fucking twisted am I to be so blind up until that moment? I had been fighting how I felt for her because, deep down, I thought it was tainting Grace’s memory. I felt like I was betraying her when all I was ever doing was kidding myself. I’m well and truly sick in the head.” I shook my head at the irony of it all.
“You’re not sick in the head, Jimmy. You’re human. Grace will never go away. She will always be a part of you. But you have to realize that her leaving doesn’t mean your happiness goes with her. She will always have a special place in your heart, but a new one needs to take centre stage now. Tara’s a nice girl, Jimmy. You’re good for one another. The fact that you did what you did for her tonight shows that you truly care. If it also got you to see how you truly felt for her, then why not? Sometimes good things can come out of a bad situation. Don’t think of it as a sign of being sick in the head. Think of it as a wake-up call. You’ve been dreaming all these years with Grace in mind. Now it’s time to wake up, Jimmy. It’s time to open your eyes.”
I laughed a little at his analogy. “Are you seriously doing this deep shit with me, Dean?”
Dean laughed. “Nah, you’re too much of a tosser for that.”
I reared my head back. “If I’m a tosser, that makes you a fucking twat.”
“Wanker.”
“Shitbag.”
“Toad licker.”
“Sheep shagger.”
Dean pulled his head back and laughed. “I could fucking beat the living shit out of you for that, but that was way too funny.”
“Baaaaa.” I couldn’t help the laugh.
He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and shook his head. “Does Tara know the shit that comes out of your mouth?”
I raised my eyebrow and feigned disbelief. “Does Tyler?”
Dean shook his head with a laugh. “Touché, you little fucker.”
He pulled into a driveway by a little diner. “I love the little pet names you have for me. It truly makes me feel wanted.”
Dean laughed and got out of the car. I followed suit and we slammed our doors shut. “Don’t fucking push it, Jimmy.” Dean shook his head again as I followed him into the diner.
*****
An hour later, we were back on the road. It was getting close to three o’clock, so we knew we had to move fast. Daylight was only a few hours away.
When we got back to the warehouse, he was already dead and the rats were about halfway inside his chest. The smell was fucking awful, but I was used to it by now. I embraced it, considering Tara never had to worry again.
We got to work getting the rats out and burning the wood that had soaked up his blood. We wrapped sheeting around his body and cleaned away everything as if we hadn’t been there at all. Dean put the rats back with full
bellies and we loaded the car up with the rest of scumbag.
We travelled about a mile down the road to the pig farm. Luckily for us, the house was nowhere near the pen, so we were able to tip the body in for the pigs undetected. I didn’t feel anything when I dropped him in. If I felt anything, it was relief. Relief at the knowledge that scumbag will never be able to hurt Tara again.
Both Dean and I were tired and our clothes were stained with blood, but we knew we had conquered something tonight that would make a world of difference in one woman’s life. A woman I just happened to be hopelessly in love with.
The journey home was quiet, but I think we both welcomed the peace. I was just dying to get home to see how Tara was. I wanted to make sure she was okay and that she still welcomed me after knowing I killed her ex-husband. A part of me worried, but the other part of me didn’t care. No matter what she thought of me, she will never have to look over her shoulder again. That’s a piece of knowledge I will gladly live with.
Once we pulled into the driveway, we got out of the car and walked up the front walkway. Dean opened the door and quickly switched the alarm on. He shook his head and whispered, “Dammit. Tyler didn’t put the fucking alarm on.” He shook his head in disbelief and marched over to the laundry room. “Give me your clothes and I’ll get them washed. I know you must be dying to get to Tara.” He smiled at me cheekily.
I did as instructed and stripped down to my boxers, handing the clothes to Dean and hesitated. He saw me hesitate and smiled.
“Go. Now.” He tutted and shook his head, but I didn’t waste any more time. I rushed up the stairs as fast as my legs could carry me and got to her door. I took a deep breath and opened it up to find Tara’s silhouette. I thought she was sleeping until she spoke.
“Jimmy, are you okay?”
I shook my head with a grin and shut the door behind me. “You’re suffering, but you ask me if I’m okay? Tara, it scared the shit out of me tonight.”
I heard her sigh as I searched for her through the darkness. I pulled the sheets back and slipped into bed. I gently put my arm behind her and held her softly. That was all I wanted to do all night. It was all I wanted to do every night from now on.
“I know and I’m sorry.”
I sighed. “Don’t ever apologize. Are you okay? Are you in pain? Do you need me to get you anything?”
She laughed. “No, just you being here is all I need. Tyler took really good care of me tonight. She nursed my bruises, ran me a bath, and poured me a glass of Prosecco as she listened to my shit. She’s the best friend I could ever wish for. She was a better nurse than I was tonight.” I felt her laugh against my chest and pulled her gently towards me I inhaled her beautiful scent and sighed.
“I doubt that very much,” I breathed. “Besides, sometimes nurses need looking after, too. I just wished it had been me to nurse you tonight.”
Tara trailed a finger along my arm, making me shudder. “What happened tonight, Jimmy?”
I tensed and I knew she felt it. “I can’t tell you.” I had to protect her. If I ever got caught for what I did tonight, I had to make sure Tara was safe. And to keep her safe, I had to leave her in ignorance. I could only tell her what she needed to know. “But what I will say is this. You’ll never have to worry about him again.” I kissed her head and tenderly stroked her face. “I promise you that you’re safe. Do you understand, Tara?”
I felt her nod her head against me. “I understand, Jimmy. Perfectly.” She sighed and I hated that I couldn’t see her face.
She began trailing her finger along my arm and I knew we were okay. “So, what was it you wanted to tell me? You have me in your arms now, Jimmy. You wanted to say something, so spill it.”
I laughed a little and trailed my nose against the base of her neck. I loved her smell. She always smelled so clean and fresh.
“I wanted to let you know that I need you in my arms forever, Tara. I want to take care of you and protect you with everything I have left in me. Why? Because I love you. I never thought I would say those words again, but it’s true. I love you so fucking much, it hurts, Tara Becksworth.”
For a moment she fell silent and I lay there, my breath caught violently in my chest. Waiting for her response was agonizing. For a moment, I thought she wasn’t going to say anything, or that she would simply fob me off. But then I heard her sniffle a little as she gripped my hand.
“I love you, too, Jimmy.”
Music to my fucking ears.
Chapter 15
Dean
How did you know that what you sought was redemption
And not righteous vengeance?
Pete Abrams
I placed Jimmy’s and my clothes in the laundry. I was spent, truly fucking knackered, and the only thing that kept me alert was knowing Tyler was upstairs. Alone. Possibly naked. Also possibly disappointed with her Dean. The Dean she always knew was her safe haven. The Dean she now quickly learned was not the boy she always thought he was. I didn’t know whether Tyler would throw me out. She must know by now that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, but I couldn’t help myself. I consider Jimmy family and when he hurts, I hurt. It was pure instinct that drove me tonight, making me go along with Jimmy and hatch out the plans that were needed. If Jimmy had gone on his own, it probably would have resulted in a lot of shouting, a lot of beating, a murder, then a police car taking Jimmy away. I couldn’t let him go alone knowing his feelings for Tara would ultimately lead to his downfall. He needed someone on the outside looking in. He needed someone to rein him in and let him know that lashing out would never lead to the best outcome. I wanted revenge just as much as he did. The guy was a scumbag. He hit a woman. Above all else, that should never be tolerated, but the way Jimmy would have gone about it would have ended up with him in jail. I could never let that happen.
So, with the clothes in the wash and my tail between my legs, I went upstairs and quietly walked inside Tyler’s room. I looked over to where she lay on the bed and took in her beauty for a moment. She lay on her side, her hand underneath her pillow as her slow, dreamless breaths escaped her lips. Her hair was cascading down her back, exposing her sculptured shoulder blade that ached to be touched. That ached to be kissed.
Fuck me, I had it bad. I had it bad for Tyler like Jimmy had it bad for Tara, but I knew something that would completely contradict what I said to Jimmy tonight. Jimmy thought he had found his one in Grace, but then he met Tara. With me, Tyler was my one and only. She always had been. If Tyler ceased to exist, nothing else in this world would matter anymore. It was a simple fact I could never ignore. Tyler was and always would be my one.
Sighing to myself, I reluctantly turned and headed for the en suite shower. I had blood on my hands. Evidence which I need to wash away. Again, Tyler was my purity. Her innocence washed away all my sins. I need to make sure she never saw that part of me. The part she was so frightened of.
And who could blame her. She had Jeremy now and he would always be a priority over me. I accepted that because he was our son. Jeremy first, me second. I could never make her choose something that was without choice. Our son was her choice.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I stepped inside the bathroom, closed the door behind me, and switched the shower on. I pulled my boxers off, waiting for the shower to get warm. Once I knew it was hot enough, I stepped in and let the water wash away the blood. It quickly turned red as I watched it disappear down the drain.
Suddenly, I felt Tyler’s arms around me as the evidence still cascaded down my body and onto the shower floor. I immediately stiffened as I watched her watch the blood. I cringed, knowing what was coming. This side of me wasn’t what she wanted. She asked me to change and I promised her I would. Tonight, I broke that promise.
I held my breath, waiting for her to ask me to leave. I was expecting her angry voice to echo through my brain. I braced myself for it. On instinct, I tried to shield her from seeing the evilness that now stained the floor.
Instead, she shocked me by squeezing her arms around me. “Is it done?” she simply whispered against my chest.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know whether to breathe, move, or tell her I’m fucking sorry. I just froze for a moment.
“Yes.” I suddenly exhaled a breath and tightened my arms around her, afraid she would be taken from me.
Tyler sighed and my heart ached. “Good,” she simply replied, and I couldn’t believe what I was fucking hearing. Did she not hate me? Did she not think I betrayed her yet again? Did she not think I went against everything she ever asked of me?
“Tyler—”
She stopped me with her finger to my lips as she gazed into my eyes. “Don’t say anything, Dean. Please. You don’t need to explain.” She replaced her finger with her soft, warm lips, and I was gone. Had she truly forgiven me for what she knew I must have done tonight? Did she forgive that side of me? The side she wanted out of her life for Jeremy’s sake? I agreed with her wholeheartedly. I truly believed my parents wanted to live a normal life for me, but they never worked hard enough at it. Now I was carrying on in the same way. I had a son who I wanted to shield from that part of my life. I wanted to keep him safe at all costs, but all I did was become the same person I had hated in my parents all those years ago, and why? It was necessary, it was important, and it was vital to keep Tara safe. That was what was pushing me tonight. That was what kept me going. I had to make sure justice was done.
And the fucking irony of it all? In my quest for justice, I had sucked Tyler into my world. The moment her lips touched mine, I knew she accepted the fact that I had killed tonight. I had taken someone else’s life, and Tyler felt that was perfectly acceptable. Should I be mad? Should I be asking her why? I didn’t know. The whole thing fucked with my mind and left me wondering what was right and what was wrong.
Redemption Page 20
