by Rachel Lee
“I hope you got some sleep,” he said. Because she still looked hollow.
“A little. Thanks. What was wrong with the lambs?”
“We’re still not sure. Waiting for test results.”
“But they’re okay now?”
“A whole lot better. For a couple of days, I thought I was going to lose a whole bunch of them.”
“That must have been scary.”
“It was,” he admitted. “For a while they were even too weak to suckle, so we milked the ewes and used bottles to squeeze some nourishment into them. But it’s better. They started standing again yesterday, and by late afternoon they were suckling again. So they made it.”
“I’m so glad.” She picked up the braid and fiddled with the end of it. “I would have helped if I had known. Really.”
“I admit I was kind of surprised you never popped over.”
She bit her lip. “I hate to imagine what you were thinking of me.”
“Nothing near as bad as what you evidently thought of me.”
Her cheeks reddened and her head dipped. “When you didn’t call...well, when I didn’t know you’d been calling, I kind of thought the roses were a kiss-off. A way of getting even for how I hurt you that summer.”
“God!” He sat up a little straighter. “And then Lisa.”
“Yeah. And then Lisa.”
He mulled that around. “Have people been treating you that badly?”
“As a rule, no.” She raised her head, met his gaze, then looked away again. “You have no idea what I see on a regular basis. I know what people are capable of, Cliff. A lot of it isn’t pretty.”
“So it’s affected your expectations?”
“I think it’s made me more defensive, yes. And apparently more suspicious.”
“Damn, woman, you need a new job.”
“Yes, I think I do.”
Fully awake now, he leaned forward until his elbows rested on his folded knees. “You’ve made up your mind?”
“Well, when I wasn’t busy imagining the worst, I started making some phone calls. A friend from Chicago wants to help me. She’s a family psychologist and says she’ll work for room and board. And I talked to the lawyer, Mr. Carstairs. He’s looking into all the legal aspects, but he seems to think that I should start as a guest ranch. I can invite families out here. It’ll get me up and running while we deal with all the stuff having just the kids here would require. So I think I’ll do that. I can afford to bring some families out here, thanks to Aunt Martha.”
“That sounds like a good plan.”
She nodded. “I need to go back for maybe a month to close up everything. My cases, my apartment, giving notice, all that. But then I’m coming back here for good.”
“In spite of me.”
“In spite of you,” she agreed. “My mind is made up.”
“Good.” He honestly meant it. The last thing he wanted was for her to move here because of him. He couldn’t think of a worse reason.
He could see that wasn’t the answer she had hoped for, but it was the only honest one he could give her. She had to decide to live here for her own reasons. Anything else could be poisonous, and she had herself to thank for teaching him that lesson. It had taken awhile after she left, but he’d finally gotten it.
She picked at the braided grass she held, then slowly started weaving again. “I bet this stuff with the lambs put a hole in your budget.”
The change of direction surprised him. “Temporarily. We’ll catch up soon. We’ll be selling wool and lambs before long.”
“Good.”
Man, this was getting awkward. She clearly needed to say something more and couldn’t find her way to it. Or couldn’t find the words. But he couldn’t stay out here all day waiting. He needed to get back, spell his guys so they could catch some sleep and check on those lambs again. Ten years ago, his parents had pretty much let him have huge chunks of time over the summer to go running around with Holly, but he was the one in charge now. He couldn’t afford to be so careless.
At last Holly broke the silence. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”
His stomach took a plunge. He swilled some water before trying to reply. “I thought you had a few more days.”
“I do. But I’m trying to change my flight. If I can’t, well, a few days in Denver won’t hurt. There’s a lot I need to think about.”
“I thought you’d made up your mind?”
Her brows lifted. “I have. I’m coming back. But for some reason being in Martha’s house isn’t helping, being around you isn’t helping and I need to clear out some cobwebs. This is a huge leap I’m about to make, and I need some space to be perfectly clear in my own head.” Then she smiled. “I also need to talk to some people. I’m getting impatient to get rolling.”
That smile was heartbreakingly beautiful, he thought. Then she jumped up, wiped her hands on her jeans and said, “I imagine you need to get back. I’ll leave Lisa the house keys, and tell her to give them back to you when she’s ready to move on.”
Just like that. He drove her back to her car, she paused just long enough to squeeze his hand, then she drove away.
He felt as if he’d just been hit by a truck, though he wasn’t sure why. She’d said she was coming back. But why the hell was she leaving so early?
To get away from him?
Damn, he was feeling angry all over again.
Chapter Eleven
A month later when Holly walked up the Jetway in Denver, she could feel a spring in her step. A month had done wonders. She’d handed off her cases, easing the transition for her families. She’d found lots of interest and support inside the department and outside among charities in her idea for the ranch and she even had some commitments for donations once the place opened.
She’d put on five pounds while she was at it. And this time she wasn’t coming to bury her aunt. No, she’d spent plenty of time in the past month saying farewell in a way she hadn’t seemed able to do while staying at Martha’s house: she had remembered. Somehow the indulgence of endless hours of remembering her aunt had brought her to a sense of peace. She still missed Martha, missed her deeply, but now it was a quieter, more comfortable grief, one she didn’t keep trying to hide from by distracting herself the way she had during the time she had spent in Wyoming. She had faced it, and accepted it.
Maybe most importantly, she had felt an opening inside herself, a welcoming for whatever the future might hold. Yes, she’d been excited by the idea of all this before, but there’d been plenty of trepidation and uncertainty, even once she made up her mind. There would always be uncertainty of some kind, but she had emerged from her internal mental crouch and felt ready to open her arms to all the experiences life might bring.
So she was already smiling when she saw Cliff waiting for her once she left the security area behind. The cobwebs of the past no longer seemed to cloud her vision.
He returned her smile and held up a single long-stemmed rose.
For another year, she thought, and her throat tightened even as happiness bubbled up in her. She didn’t know what was going to happen between them. The years had changed them, and the little time they’d had together had probably only shown her part of the man he’d become. One thing for certain, she knew she was a different person from just one month ago.
When she reached him, he caught her in a bear hug and kissed her soundly. “Welcome home,” he said as he released her. Then he handed her the rose. “You look wonderful.”
“So do you,” she said frankly. “Thank you for the rose. It’s beautiful. Now let’s blow this joint. I hate airports.”
He laughed and grabbed her carry-on. “You must have checked bags.”
“I shipped some boxes yesterday. I decided Martha had the right idea—go minimalist.”
“So what’s all the news?” he asked as they worked their way through passengers and courtesy carts. Even though they had talked weekly on the phone during the past month, they’d avoided heavy emotional ground. She had talked about her job and her plans, he had talked about ranching. The only thing he had left her really sure about was that he wasn’t angry anymore. They had become friends at last.
“Well, I got myself squared away, I think.”
“Meaning?”
She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, wishing it was possible to just stare at him. He was certainly stareworthy. “I cleaned the cobwebs out of the attic. Let’s just get out of here. There must be some place less hectic to have coffee and talk.”
“I had bigger plans,” he admitted. “How do you feel about staying in town overnight before we head back?”
How did she feel? Like a rocket being launched. Capable of dancing on air. My God, she thought, it had been a long time since she had felt this happy just to be alive. And to be with Cliff?
She cautioned herself to hold her horses. She had no idea whether he wanted anything from her beyond neighborly friendship. “I’d love it,” she responded, hoping she sounded like it without letting her elation seep out with every word.
He took them into town, locating a coffee shop that didn’t seem too busy. He ordered espresso, and she ordered a gloriously sinful mocha frappé. They sat outside, enjoying the early-summer warmth and a pleasant breeze.
“First you,” she said. “How are the lambs and how is business?”
“Everything’s doing great. Thank God the vet is attentive to detail. He marked down the vaccine lots he gave the sheep, and the fifteen who got sick all got the same lot, a different one from the other lambs. Apparently the bacteria in the vaccine was live and kicking, instead of being properly weakened. It’s probably going to cause a major recall.”
“So you made your lambs sick by trying to help them? That must burn.”
“I’m just glad it didn’t spread past them. It could have, and I wouldn’t have been able to nurse hundreds of lambs. Anyway, we’re doing great, we got some pretty decent prices on the wool and on the lambs we sold. We’re set for another year, and we should have some more angora wool to sell this fall. You could say things are looking up.”
“I’m glad.” She meant it from the bottom of her heart, and found herself wishing they weren’t in such a public place. She might have cleared out the cobwebs in her brain, but not her attraction to Cliff. Just sitting across from him like this made her insides clench with need.
“Now you,” he said.
“Well, I got a lot of positive feedback on my ranch idea, and some charities have promised to donate once I get it started.”
“Super.” He smiled. “That must make you feel good.”
“It does. Things are looking up.” She hesitated, aware that her heart was beating nervously. The other things were harder to discuss. A lot harder. “I took time to grieve for Martha. I wasn’t doing that when I was here. I was finding every excuse to avoid it. Somehow it was easier to do back in Chicago. I don’t know why.”
“Maybe because you weren’t surrounded by constant reminders. I don’t know, but it seems to me being in her house was like being caught between two realities.”
“That’s a good way to describe it, I think. Some part of me just didn’t seem capable of accepting that she was gone.” Sighing, she looked down. “It was a helluva month, Cliff. It was a week before I decided to turn in my resignation. It was like giving up a huge chunk of who I was. But once I did it, I felt light enough to float. So I guess I’d reached my limit. Everyone was very understanding, and reminded me that caseworkers have a limited life expectancy. We see too much sadness, pain and ugliness. As one of them said to me, I’d have had to kill my emotions not to care that much, and when you care that much...well, finally things inside you start to shut down because you can’t handle any more. That wouldn’t have been good, and I was getting there.”
He nodded encouragingly.
“Some things you said also helped.”
“Me?” He appeared surprised.
“Yeah, just little things, but they made me step back and take a look at myself. I was living in what I think of as a mental crouch. I had gotten to the point of expecting the worst of everyone, Cliff. I don’t want to live that way, but that’s what I was doing. So I hammered away at that some, and managed to mostly shake it off. There are lots of good people in the world. I need to spend more time with them.”
“I’m so glad.”
She met his turquoise gaze and saw real pleasure there. And the sparkle of something hotter, something that had never died between them. Her body responded instantly. That, she thought, would probably never change. But where would it take them?
All of a sudden she wanted to blow this joint, too.
* * *
“I only reserved one room,” he said as they approached the hotel.
“That’s fine,” she managed. Her heart had begun to hammer with anticipation and even some anxiety, and it had risen to clog her throat. Her core began to throb as if climax was only moments away. She would never understand this chemistry between them.
“I can get another...”
She interrupted. “Oh, cut it out. No more games.”
He laughed, but the sound was husky. “I know. Somehow we need to slow down. Maybe talk, fool around, that thing they call foreplay.”
“I always like it better after.”
At that a loud crack of laughter escaped him and despite her anticipation and nerves, a grin stretched her own cheeks until they nearly hurt.
She’d expected a relatively cheap motel, but instead he took her to a real hotel, a nice one, the kind where a bellman took their bags. The part of her that had been scraping by for so long made her wonder if he could afford this. On the other hand, he had chosen it, and as she had already learned, he was no spendthrift.
She expressed her amazement and appreciation when they reached their room, which was not only lovely but had a great view of the Denver skyline. “I feel like a princess!” she exclaimed.
“I hope you always do.”
Her breath caught and she turned to him. “Cliff?”
“That’s still my name.” But there was no smile as he closed the space between them and took her into his arms. Feeling him snugly against her reminded her how much she had been missing him. And for how long? Ten years. Ever since she had left him the first time. She’d had a mission, but in giving him up, she’d given up something very important.
Only now could she truly face that. Maybe she had done the right thing. She had certainly done what she was determined to do. Maybe everything had happened the way it was supposed to, but it remained that she had never stopped missing him.
“I could jump you right now,” he said quietly. “But you know what? We both need more than that. We know that part is great. This time, damn it, I want us to share other things.”
She remembered those lazy conversations that had always followed their sex. It wasn’t as though they hadn’t talked. They’d talked volumes during the afterglow. She remembered a summer of laughter, love and talk. Everything had clicked in its own time and way.
But that was ten years ago, so maybe he was right. Maybe they needed a different approach.
She sat at the table near the window while he called room service and ordered some food. “I’m sure the peanuts on the airplane weren’t enough,” he said as he joined her at the table.
“I’ve been eating more,” she admitted.
“I can tell and it looks great. I was worried about you when you arrived last month.”
“I didn’t exactly realize it, but I guess I was worried about me, too.”
He reached across the table and took both he
r hands. “I’ve been thinking.”
“Yes?” She wondered if that was a good thing or a bad thing. All of a sudden she didn’t feel like jumping for joy.
“I want to help you realize your youth ranch. I may not be able to help much financially, but I’m sure my men and I can help with construction and that kind of thing. Is that okay with you?”
“Of course.” But the lump remained in her throat.
He smiled faintly. “Good. But there’s more. If there’s one thing I figured out when you were here, it’s that I’m not over you. I thought I was, but I’m sure as hell not. The thing is, we can’t pick up where we left off ten years ago. We’re not the same people. So unless you object, I want to pick up here and now. I want to date you, I want to spend time with you. I want us to learn who we are now.”
“I’d like that.”
“I can learn all about what you do and want to do. You can get an understanding of what I do and why there might be long stretches when you hardly see me. We can find out if we mesh. I think we probably will, though.”
“Why?”
“Because we’re going to both be ranchers, even if different kinds.”
Despite her nervousness, she had to laugh. It was true in its own way.
“The thing is, Holly, I’m pretty sure I’m still in love with you. So I don’t want you to go forward on this with me unless you’re pretty sure you might fall in love with me. I don’t need a rerun of what happened before. So I guess what I’m asking is, blow me off now, because you might not be able to blow me off later. And we’re going to be neighbors for a long, long time. There are limits to my masochism.”
That was fair, she thought as he went to answer the door for room service, even though her heart wanted to sing at his declaration of love. Soon enough a tray of hors d’oeuvres occupied the table along with tall icy glasses of tea. Cliff rejoined her and encouraged her to eat.
But eating was the last thing she seemed capable of doing just then. “I think,” she said slowly, “that I’m still in love with you, too. I didn’t want to face it. I never wanted to face it. I was too driven, and then I had to believe I made the right decision.”
